Bill Oddie Unplucked: Columns, Blogs and Musings (Bloomsbury Nature Writing)
Page 18
Fight!
I would, of course, love to know where – or who – all this nonsense comes from, but what really intrigues me is what exactly was the disagreement? Were John and I squabbling?
‘You’re drinking my tea.’
‘No I’m not, it’s mine.’
‘No it isn’t.’
‘Yes it is.’
Or were we arguing about what kind of tea we had been given?
‘I love a cup of Earl Grey, don’t you?’
‘Yes, but this is Darjeeling.’
‘It’s Earl Grey.’
‘It is Dar-bloody-jeeling!’
Or was it simply an age-old tribalism?
‘Of course, I am a coffee man myself.’
‘Well I am a tea man.’
‘No, no, you can’t beat coffee.’
‘Tea.’
‘Coffee.’
‘Tea.’
The truth is I do like coffee. But I also like tea. But which is best? Of course, there was only one way to find out. Fight! At which point I clouted John with my tripod.
Give it to him
And where did this assault take place? The fact that I had a tripod with me suggests that it was either a photographic or birding context. Maybe he was a guest on one of my shows, or I was a guest on his. I have certainly met and several times worked with John Craven, but I like and admire him, and I hope the feeling is mutual. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that were we to find ourselves when there was only one cup of tea left in the pot, I would gladly give it to him. Or does he prefer coffee?
Slapper
The tripod myth baffles me, unless it stems from the time the two of us were broadcasting from the Chelsea Flower Show, and I got a bit too playful with a bunch of gladioli while impersonating Dame Edna. I admit I started it, but John did retaliate by giving me a damn good thrashing with a Red Hot Poker.
By the way, this paragraph is as fictitious as the stuff on the website.
And another thing
While I’m at it, I have been implicated in several other urban myths (why just urban? Does that imply that people are less gullible in rural areas? Of course those townies will believe anything!).
I have read and been told several times that I live in Norfolk. I don’t, nor ever have, but I can understand why people think I should. In fact, I have lived in London for 50 years. Before that I lived in Birmingham, and it is true that I went to King Edward’s School, Birmingham. However, the story that on the day of the Queen’s visit I moved all the bollards and rerouted the whole royal convoy through the school is not true. But I wish it was. Finally, it is a matter of rock and roll legend that The Goodies once beat up John Peel after he gave the ‘Funky Gibbon’ a bad review. No, they didn’t.
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First published 2015
© Bill Oddie, 2015
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