When Martha got there, she couldn’t see anything the matter with it. “Maybe it was just sick, and you gave it enough to fight off the problem.”
I was very glad that my skill had worked again.
Later, after Matt took me to lunch, we got a call from Ben saying he’d be home that night. I hadn’t been sure how long he would be gone and was excited to hear he was on his way. As we were leaving the diner, Josh called to see if Matt could go practice, so I tagged along to watch them play. The news that Ben was coming had left me giddy, and I was smiling when we got to Josh’s house.
“Hey, Atty! Having a good day?” Josh asked.
“Yup.”
“Well, how could you not, you’re getting to listen to us play again,” he said.
Andrew was already inside, so I sat down while they warmed up. They played for a while, but it seemed that one hour was their break point because just like the previous time I’d been there, Josh stood up to get a drink. “You want anything, Atty?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks.”
Andrew followed Josh, and I stayed with Matt as he started strumming the chords to an old song I loved. I figured he was just messing around, playing something he enjoyed for a minute. He seemed so relaxed that I couldn’t help feeling that way too. I started to sing along quietly. He stopped playing and looked up at me.
“You like to sing,” he said it as a statement, but I still responded because it was easy for me to answer.
“Yeah, I do. And I love that song.”
“Then sing it real.”
For a moment butterflies took over my stomach. I glanced toward the door through which the other guys had disappeared and wondered when they would be back. When I looked at Matt again, he seemed to know what I was worrying about. “They’ll be out there for a while. They always need a good break from me. ” He smiled encouragingly.
I figured what the hell, he’d been singing in front of me. I nodded for him to start the song again, and I sung it loud. A verse in, I was over the nerves. It helped that this song was perfect for my deep alto range. I knew I could sing it without worrying about my voice breaking on a high note.
I saw the surprise on Matt’s face as he listened and I knew what he was thinking. I got that response a lot. I don’t look like I can sing the way I do. When the song was over, he pointed it out. “Wow, I wouldn’t have known from looking at you that you would have such a sexy voice.”
I blushed a bit but decided to play with him. Frowning I said, “Are you saying I don’t look sexy, Matt?”
He looked alarmed, “No! That’s not what I meant, I mean. It’s just that you don’t look like you would sing like that. It’s so deep, soulful.”
“So you’re saying I’m shallow and not sexy?” I teased him, still with the frown on my face and adding an indignant show of putting my hands on my hips.
“No! No! Crap, Atty. That’s not what I mean at all!”
I understood then what he meant about his shield dropping. I felt it—his force was suddenly exposed completely. I must have really unsettled him. It reminded me of when we’d first met; I hadn’t realized then why I had felt his force get clearer. I decided to help him out, “Don’t worry, Matt, I know what you mean. You’re not the first one to say it. I look like this scrawny, timid girl, but I don’t sing as if I am. I know that’s what you mean and I’m not offended.” I smiled at him.
“Phew. OK, I was getting nervous there. I would never describe you as scrawny. I just obviously suck at explaining myself. You just took me by surprise. I would have expected Ben to mention you could sing like that. He talks endlessly about all your other amazing qualities.”
“Really?” I blushed again.
“Yeah, since he met you he hasn’t stopped telling me how beautiful and smart you are, but he’s never mentioned your singing.”
“That’s probably because he’s never heard me sing. I don’t even sing in the shower when I know he’s around.”
“He’s never heard you sing.” He kept his tone to a statement rather than a question, but I still shook my head. He looked at me like I was the oddest thing he’d ever seen.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He was still looking at me funny.
“Seriously, Matt, what? Why are you looking at me like that? You always say what you’re thinking. Tell me.”
“I just find it strange that you’ve never sang in front of him.”
“I feel weird breaking into random song.”
“People sing along to the radio all the time.”
“Yes, they do. But when I sing along to the radio, I always get looks from anyone near me. So I just don’t do it. I’m not a public performance kind of girl. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“But surely you’re not uncomfortable in front of Ben.”
“I would be if I were singing.”
“Singing in front of him makes you uncomfortable,” he stated, but he wore an expression that told me he wanted to finish that sentence another way.
“Finish what you want to say, Matt.”
“Singing in front of him makes you uncomfortable, but you sleep in his bed.”
That got me flustered, but I didn’t want to get his point, if he was trying to make one. “Singing in front of him would make me uncomfortable, but I sleep in his bed, yes. Or actually, he sleeps in mine.”
“That is strange.”
“It’s strange that he sleeps in my bed?”
“No.”
“Then what, Matt?”
“I don’t want to spell it out for you.”
“Please do.”
He looked down for a moment, seeming uncomfortable, before looking me in the eyes and saying, “I just find it strange that a girl would not find it uncomfortable to sleep with a guy but would find it uncomfortable to sing in front of him. Sleeping with him is generally considered to require more exposure.”
“Generally, I suppose that would be true. But it isn’t true for me.”
He stared at me some more and I stared back defiantly. I was beginning to get angry. Who was he to tell me what I considered intimate? Why should it be strange that I didn’t feel safe singing in front of Ben? Something about that last thought was beginning to bother me when Andrew and Josh walked back in the room.
“I brought you a water even though you said you were OK, Atty.” Josh handed me a bottle of water, then looked at me and then at Matt. He could tell something was up with us. “Everything all right?”
“Yeah,” replied Matt. “All good. Atty was just helping me think of a new verse.”
I flashed him an angry look but decided to quickly change my expression. I didn’t want to continue the conversation in front of his friends. I wondered if he meant it though. Ben said Matt didn’t lie, and I wondered if he was going to write a verse about how messed up I was; because he was right, it was weird I didn’t want to sing in front of Ben. It was weirder that I didn’t mind singing in front of his brother.
I didn’t talk to Matt much after that, just finished listening to the band practice. When Matt and I got home, he said he had some stuff to take care of and disappeared upstairs. I decided to take a shower and then maybe read until Ben arrived. I turned the water to steaming hot and stepped in, happy to relax in the warmth. I was beginning to feel better when I became distinctly aware of Matt’s energy a few rooms away. He seemed to just be sitting somewhere, not moving around. I wondered if he was asleep or maybe playing, he had brought the guitar home this time.
I started thinking about what he had said and soon I was mad all over again. I knew he was right, but it annoyed me that he was. I needed to calm down and the only thing that might help besides the shower would be to sing in the shower, though considering I hadn’t done it in so long I knew I only thought of it because I kind of wanted to spite him. I would sing where it was possible for everyone to hear me—or they would if my voice carried through the vents, that is. I chose a song I liked from the forties, a swing standard t
hat went from slow to fast. I belted it out complete with sultry drops and full vibrato. I was about halfway through it when I felt Ben in the house. The butterflies swarmed in my stomach but only for a second, I was far enough into the song that I could keep going without freaking out.
Ben stepped into the bathroom just as I finished the last verse. His voice came through the steamed glass door. “Damn, Atty. I could almost see it.”
“You could almost see what?” I asked.
“You, in a smoky night club, your hair in waves standing in front of a mic, the band behind you. You gave me such a flashback right now.”
I cracked open the door and peeked out at him. “Is that a good thing?”
He opened the door wider and let his eyes wander up and down. “Is there any way that could be bad?”
I shrugged and he added, “Would you mind terribly if I joined you? I could use a shower.”
“Not at all.”
I was glad that the hot water was beginning to run out because my internal temperature spiked. The steam enhanced his scent, that honey green that made me long to touch him. The water made him taste sweeter somehow too, fresher. It also intensified the way his energy felt as it flowed to me. It wasn’t sharp, not like electricity, but more defined, as if it were being magnified through each drop of water on my skin like sunlight reflecting off rain.
That night, after Ben was asleep, I lay in bed thinking. Matt had stayed in the house; I’d felt him around when Ben and I moved to the bed. We hadn’t driven him out; though I was sure he had felt what was going on. I hadn’t been self-conscious like before; I wanted him to feel how close I was to Ben. I wanted him to know how strong our connection was, whether Ben knew all my secrets or not. Thinking about it though, I wondered why, in such an intimate moment, Matt had been able to distract my focus at all. It made me mad at myself, and I couldn’t find an answer. I fell asleep thinking about it and had restless dreams.
The next morning I felt a twinge of guilt when Ben smiled at me as I opened my eyes. The feeling was soon replaced by annoyance when he said he still had some work to take care of in the morning and asked whether I minded staying home with Matt. I asked if instead he could give me a ride to the reserve; it was on the way to Sydney and Ben was going to his city office anyway.
I shadowed Lynn around the reserve for the rest of the morning, just watching her take care of the animals and helping to feed a few. By noon I was getting hungry. I hadn’t transferred with her around, and I felt like having real food in any case. I was beginning to wonder whether to ask Lynn about lunch when I felt a familiar energy approaching and my heart sped up.
“Hey, Matt,” Lynn called when she saw him.
“Hey, Lynn. Hey, Atty.”
“You here to help?” asked Lynn.
“Actually, I’m here to see if Atty wants lunch. Ben said she would be here. You hungry, Atty?”
“Yes.” Dang. Now, Lynn would find it odd if I said I didn’t want to go to lunch with him. I told her I’d see her tomorrow and followed Matt to his car. Once inside, I sat with my arms crossed and looked straight ahead.
“Sorry about that,” he said as he turned on the car.
“Oh, so you’re sorry that you forced me to have lunch with you?”
“No, I’m not sorry about that. I’m sorry about making you uncomfortable in front of Lynn.”
“Yeah, great.”
He drove for a while, and I kept glaring out the window.
“Come on, Atty. You can’t really be this mad at me. You’re the one who insisted that I explain myself.”
“I did, yes. I just didn’t realize what you would be explaining.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. I glanced at him without uncrossing my arms.
“No really, Atty. I’m sorry I upset you. It’s not that I didn’t understand where you were coming from. You just took me by surprise is all.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I just forget that not everyone is like me. I’m not used to keeping secrets. It hadn’t occurred to me that you and Ben might not know everything about each other. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Weren’t you raised mostly around humans? Haven’t you noticed that they don’t always bare their souls right away? When they’re talking to each other, that is. I assume they bare their souls to you.”
“I try not to make them. But, seriously, I just forget.”
“You said you understood where I was coming from, at least you did just now. Is that true?”
“It is. I do. I understood it when you said it yesterday, but I was too flustered to admit it. It’s always been hard for me to share my songs with people I love. I know they will understand what I am saying and that would leave me exposed.”
“You don’t mind singing them in public though.”
“People who don’t know me can’t really see into me the way the others can.”
“I guess that shows how much I don’t know you. You don’t have a problem singing in front of me.”
“There are songs I haven’t sung for you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything for a while. He just kept driving, and I eventually asked him about lunch. “So where are we going? The diner again?”
“If you want, but I’m pretty hungry. Thought we could eat in Glenbrook or someplace closer.”
“You realize I have no idea where that is?”
“I forget.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that. You should get your brain checked.”
“Funny.”
“I assume you know where we’re going?”
“Yup.”
“Well, just take me some place good.”
He turned and gave me a smirk before returning his attention to the road.
I was still daydreaming about the dessert I’d had just a short while before when we walked in the house and found Ben talking to his father in the living room.
“There you are, Atty. I was wondering if Matt had kidnapped you.”
“Ben! You’re back already,” I said as I ran to hug him. I again felt his defenses melt away. No wonder I hadn’t felt him as we came in.
“So where have you been? I stopped by the reserve on my way back, but you had left.”
“Matt took me to this old lodge where the owner makes home-cooked meals for all the guests. I didn’t realize we could even eat there without staying overnight, but apparently Matt knows how to sweet talk her.” I glanced at Matt and he winked.
“I don’t doubt it,” Ben said looking from me to his brother and back.
“She made this dessert, this bread pudding…”
“Bread and butter…” corrected Matt.
“Right, bread and butter pudding. It was amazing.”
“I bet it was. I’m glad Matt’s been here to take care of you while I’ve been busy. Thanks again, Matt,” he said and nodded toward his brother.
“No problem.”
“You want to do something now? We can go riding, maybe?” Ben asked.
“Sure!” It had been a long time since we rode, and I very much liked it.
The air was cool and the scent of eucalyptus invigorating as we rode quietly away from the stables. I followed behind Ben’s horse until we got to a point where both horses could walk next to each other, though I kept mine’s nose just a tad behind his.
“How you doing, Atty? I’m sorry I didn’t ask last night; I got sidetracked.”
I smirked at him and said, “I’m not sorry.”
He sighed and conceded, “All right, so I’m not sorry in that sense. But I mean, we haven’t had much time together lately. Are you doing OK? Do you need me to stop working?”
As much as I would have liked that, I wasn’t about to disrupt his life on purpose, “No, I’m OK. Better these last few days. My gift’s been working well for the most part. I’ve liked helping.”
“Yes, Martha mentioned you’ve been a great help when I saw her earlier. So you think you’re g
etting a better handle on it?”
“I’m not really sure. I mean, it’s worked. Maybe I just need to keep practicing for it to work every time.”
“Keep at it then. I think it’s the most important thing for you to focus on right now.”
“I think you’re right.”
He reached over and took my hand as we rode, allowing me to draw a bit from him before I returned the favor. Touching him still made my heart flutter, and it wasn’t just from the energy transfer.
We continued quietly for a moment. I was enjoying being next to him without worrying about anything, but I felt I should ask how he was doing too. It was only fair.
“So how’s your work, you getting everything done?”
“Mostly. We’ve got everything set up at the clinic and will probably be ready to open in a couple of weeks. We’re just waiting on one key component.”
“You can’t open without it?”
“We can, but we won’t be able to help the sickest patients until we get it.”
“Well, I hope you get it soon.” I felt a bit guilty because I had a double motive for wanting him to finish. Once he finished getting everything for the clinic, he could come stay with me.
“Me too. I’d much rather you be spending your days with me than Matt.”
“Jealous?” I teased.
“Just a bit.”
“So you admit it now!” I laughed.
“Yes, I admit it. Matt’s a good-looking kid, and he’s your age.”
“So?”
“So I would understand if you were comfortable with him.”
That hit a nerve and I started feeling guilty again. “I am comfortable with him, but that’s because he’s a good friend. You’re the one I love.” I wasn’t sure if I said it to convince him or remind myself.
“And I you,” he said with a smile and another squeeze to my hand.
Chapter 28
Atancia Page 25