by J. S. Carter
She practically didn't even notice. “It's not your fault—”
I closed my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. “Please, stop.”
“Chris isn't dead because of you—”
“STOP!” I took a step forward and threatened to break skin. My arm shook, yet she didn't even flinch. I couldn't control myself again. I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted it all to end, but she wouldn't let it go.
“Chris Carr was one of our scouts.”
I blinked at the accusation. He couldn't have been. He had never told me. “You're lying.”
“No...” She stood still for a moment, her eyes somber and delicate. The pity cast onto me was almost worse than witnessing his death itself. “We were both a part of the same group sent from the East coast. We were supposed to gather intel on the hardest hit areas. We sent a few men out ahead of time to identify the worst threats. He was one of 'em, but he never made it back. You met him in Arrino. He died when he refused to tell Kyle where we were.”
I could feel my stomach twist over itself and my eyes started to sting, but I wouldn't let it go. He had taught me so much. I had to hold on to hear the rest of it, if not for myself, then at least for him.
Olivia pushed on. “You came back to Arrino. You made sure Ryan and Kyle weren't able to take charge. Because of you, none of his men took anyone hostage when Juno showed. They slowed her down long enough for the rest of us to get everyone else out alive.”
I shook my head. It wasn't right. If she had seen my past then she knew I wasn't thinking about anyone else but myself. I had been pissed off. I had only wanted to kill.
Olivia held the ring up. “There was a young girl who grew up in Arrino. She lost her parents after they stood up against Kyle's men. They fought for everyone, not just themselves, and they were killed for it. She lost her parents. She didn't have anyone else. She was completely alone, but instead of running away, she went back to her school where she was pressured into hating Seds.”
I knew where she was going with the story. It had to have been wrong. She had to have been dead.
“Then you came. And with Chris, you taught her not to give up. She looked up to you like the sister she never had. She escaped after you left and we found her barely alive, but she made it. We took a detachment to Arrino when we didn't even need it. You were the best thing to ever happen to that town.”
I only watched as Olivia placed the small ring around the tip of the sword and it hung in silence.
“Chris died doing something that he believed in. You didn't drag him to anything, and Ellie is still alive because of you. Her story bears witness to everything you did to save her and everyone else camped out on that field. All you have to do is listen.”
My arm began to burn from the constant weight, but I didn't give in to the pain. I stared at the ring at the end of the blade. All the warmth had passed and instead I felt hollow. To see the spoken idea in front of me—actual evidence that Chris's death had not been in vein and that Ellie was still alive—it was like a giant weight had been taken from my shoulders only to be slammed right in front of my face.
I lowered the sword and dropped down onto my knees with a gasp. The ring had fallen onto the open pages of my journal. Two memories, completely separate yet intertwined, rested in front of me. The hundreds of men, women, and children sprawled out onto the field outside would have had stories just as similar to my own, each one personal, emotional, full of heart ache, and ultimately compelling them to choose whether to give up or move on. I wiped the subtle streams from my cheeks and tried to blink it all away before my eyes ultimately found their way back to Olivia.
She crouched down to my level—never above me, but always at my side. “You're not alone, Tess. You never were.”
Tent City
Olivia stayed with me for longer than I thought anyone ever would. I kept still on my knees and stared away into oblivion while she sat on a cot. She didn't bother saying anything. She didn't coddle me or hold my hand. She had never asked me if I was okay. She had helped me more than I could have ever known just by sitting there with me in silence. I didn't have to face all my guilt and confusion alone, not when there was someone else to help bare some of the weight.
After what finally seemed like too long, I reached over and grabbed the silver ring from on top of my book and rolled the smooth band around one of my fingers. Nothing overtook me like it had with Emma's necklace. Maybe I was broken in more ways than either of us realized.
Olivia cleared her throat. “I can teach you how, if you want.”
I shook my head. I didn't want to learn what Ellie had gone through that way. I understood that an artifact could be extremely useful, but how fundamentally different would it be from looking at someone through a computer screen? I wanted to hear the story as she told it, not as a viewer that didn't belong. I wanted to be in the same room as her, to be there the same way Olivia had been there for me. “I wanna see her—in person.”
Olivia nodded. She must have understood. “Of course.” She got up and started to make her way out before stopping halfway, thinking for a moment and then turning around to face me again. “I know it's not the best timing, but there's someone else that wants to see you first.”
I didn't bother asking who. I was emotionally and physically spent. Laying in a tent in the middle of nowhere and wallowing in my own self-pity seemed just as appealing as whatever Olivia had planned for me, but I knew it wouldn't be right. Chris had done his best to teach me how to fight. I had known before that it wasn't about learning how to master hand signals, shooting, or hand to hand combat. It was about learning how to not give up, to continue the struggle even when I already felt like I had lost, especially after I had lost him. I had just never let myself admit it. The former was much easier.
Olivia gestured towards the pack she had brought in earlier. “Go ahead and wash yourself off. Take whatever you need. There should be something that'll fit you. And some food.” She turned around to walk out and I got up on my feet.
“Wait.”
She stopped and looked me over, never once showing any sign that I had just threatened to stab her with her own sword only a few minutes ago.
“Thank you.” I still had questions, but I could at least wait a bit longer now. It felt good to have someone on my side again, specifically someone I thought I could trust.
She gave me a simple nod and left me alone. I found myself looking around the inside of the tent again. It felt like I was back in Camp Maxwell, but things were different. If I decided this time to crawl underneath the side and run away, it would be for different reasons, ones arguably more selfish and shortsighted.
I grabbed my journal and stared at the blank pages in front of me. To realize that I had somehow turned it into something more than a story was hard to grasp. It almost felt unnatural, like someone could take a peek into my soul, but it also brought a huge relief in knowing that others could witness what I had gone through. The truth would be out for the viewer to see. Olivia had seen it, and because of her, I wouldn't have to bear the memories alone anymore.
I put the book to the side along with whatever else had managed to hitch a ride and stripped my clothing off. I spilled the pack Olivia had brought onto the ground to see the usual until my stomach growled at the sight of an empty bowl. It took me a second to realize what it was for. I unscrewed a metal thermos and poured myself a fountain of hot water that smelled like lemons, the steam rising up and sticking to my skin. It was probably the best gift I could have gotten next to a full on hot shower.
I leaned over and dipped my fingers inside but stopped as my darkened reflection stared back through the diminishing ripples. I had fully expected to see long, jagged scars, yet in its place were only a set of faint lines surrounded by dry blood. My whole face was dirty, my hair matted and full of grime, and I was guessing my tan wasn't as red as it was letting off.
I splashed a handful of water across my eyes and let it run along my chest and back befo
re glancing down again. Some of the evidence was gone, but the girl that I had seen for so many years was still there. I couldn't help but think she was different than I remembered. Where before she might have stared into a mirror to try and hide her imperfections at the start of the day, she now watched tainted water drip down from her nose and chin after almost drowning in a panic attack. I raised an eyebrow at a subtle idea and pulled my hair down to one side, running my hands through the tangled knots in an effort to lengthen it, and I noticed something about her that had definitely changed; she looked like Emma.
I let the thought seep away and scrubbed myself using a washcloth as best as I could. It didn't do the trick, though it was definitely better than nothing. By the end, I was sure I wouldn't be winning any contests. I figured I would at least look decent from a few miles away and anything downwind of that might pass as acceptable if nobody breathed. Still, everything was an obvious improvement after staring into the dirty bowl to see what had managed to come off my skin.
I quickly threw myself into new clothes that fit surprisingly well and laced up my broken-in boots, which were by far the best thing that anyone had ever stolen for me. The leather cover of my journal rested against my palm as I found myself staring at it again while I bit into bits of dried fruits and vegetables. I thought about throwing it away until it dawned on me that I could always wait. The story I had been crafting might have been misleading in some aspects. I didn't show the whole picture, but it sure as hell wasn't fake. It would be better to hold on to it. I could always change my mind later. I stuffed it in my back pocket and remembered to take Ellie's ring with me before heading off outside.
The Tent City down below greeted me with as much enthusiasm as it had the first time, if not more, as a column of school buses began pulling up along the edge and organized themselves into neat rows to unload a new wave of passengers. Olivia appeared at my side not too long after that and met my gaze. I couldn't help but ask. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
Any of it. “All of it.” The amount of planning needed to keep so many people alive on the road seemed incalculable. I couldn't even guess how much food, water, gas, and shelter it took to transport and keep everyone alive, and that was only considering the problems that I had just thought of. The amount of resources and coordination that was probably involved from hour to hour must have been incredible. Chris and I had run into enough problems and it had only been the two of us. How could hundreds do it?
“Eh, we wing it, mostly.”
I glanced over at her to a see a soft smile dance across her lips, but there must have been truth to it as well.
“We stick together, do the math, and plan everything out ahead of time. To be honest, every town that we've looked into has been doing worse than we've been expecting, but they've been able to manage. We don't force anyone to come with us. They all know we have a job to do. Every group that ends up splitting off and following us is still responsible for themselves. They set up militias and send out scouting parties for supplies whenever we stop moving.”
I was somewhat surprised to hear that. “You let them leave whenever they want?”
She shrugged. “Why not? These are families that left their homes. We don't have anywhere close to the manpower to look after all of 'em. The best we can do is recon for new intel and setup security. They're still local. They know exactly what they can find and where they should be looking for it.”
Smart.
I was getting an increasingly growing notion that Olivia had not been the one to look after me by chance. “You help each other.”
She tapped her nose with a finger. “You'd think after a few thousand years people would've gotten their shit together by now and realized that. But then they're always as surprised as you are.”
I watched the crowds while Olivia walked back inside the tent and came out a few seconds later with her swords re-bundled and swung across her back. I had been meaning to ask when she would be getting around to it. It also made me embarrassed to remember I had just used them against her. I always had trouble getting the right words out when I was at fault. “Listen... about earlier—”
“I know.”
Her blunt response caught me up. I had figured some sort of apology had been in order, but she only slapped a hand on my shoulder and continued onward.
“Come on, we're already late.”
Late for what?
I followed her along the length of the hill until the familiar center masts of tents started poking up into the sky from the ground in front of us. Just a few hundred feet away from where Olivia had set up her own reprieve was an outcropping of tents, each one professionally squared off and in formation with each other. It didn't take too much to figure out why.
Small waves of freshly shaven faces and chiseled jaws above olive drab shirts passed on either side as we passed deeper into the military portion of Tent City. I could feel myself tense up and automatically go on edge without even trying. I had always been surprised at how young most soldiers looked, especially when they weren't dressed for combat and laughing at each other and making shrewd comments left and right.
Olivia noticed right away. “We have a few out on patrol and doing anything else that needs to get done, but otherwise this is pretty much everyone we have. We barely get any down time unless another town joins us, then we usually give 'em about a day or so to get up to speed.”
I watched as one of the men caught a football and he immediately got tackled to the ground along with a chorus of accompanying boos. I tried not to pay them any more attention. If they had striven to become intimidating by being in the best physical shape of their lives, then they succeeded with flying stars.
“A little time off will do 'em some good.”
It was almost a relief to stop in front of the largest tent as two fully armed men in camouflaged clothing and combat gear got in our way. The taller one stood up to Olivia and held a hand forward.
“You got an appointment?”
She gave that a look. “Good one.” She tried to take a step forward but hand only came up higher.
He sighed. “New rule, 'mam, since this morning. We've been getting a lot of civilian complaints... Not to mention I'm sure you got wind of the attack at the common the other day.”
“Alleged attack,” she corrected him.
“Yes, 'mam. Innocent until proven guilty, 'mam. Which is exactly why we've been ordered to escort the secretary wherever she goes and limit civilian exposure to appointment only.” The other soldier passed me a glance and now I definitely made sure to return the favor. Why was I already getting the feeling that I was being blamed for something that I didn't do?
If it had any effect on Olivia, then she didn't show it. “So who's the brains of this operation?”
“The secretary, 'mam.”
She slowly nodded. “Right. I'll make sure to let her know you're doing quality work... Just like you always do quality work. Isn't that right, Corporal?” Olivia stared him down for a moment until he finally got the message and shifted in his boots.
He threw a thumb over his shoulder. “I—I should probably let her know you're here—”
“Yeah, you probably should.”
The man quickly ducked inside.
I had thought about joining the military before I went to school, but I had always assumed the war drum had never beat loud enough for me. At the time, the idea of someone else owning me for a few years had not seemed very appealing, and now I couldn't help but feel like I had made the right choice.
I matched the remaining guard's death stare until he finally turned away. The whole conversation had seemed inorganic and brittle. I made sure to keep my voice low so that he wouldn't overhear. “Are you guys always like this?”
Olivia looked back at me and frowned. “No.”
So then... only sometimes?
“We've been on the road for a while and we've taken on a lot people lately. Everyone's just a little tired, that's
all.” I had a good feeling that Olivia wouldn't flat out lie to me, but there had to have been more to her words than she would admit. Still, I wasn't brave enough to question her for it.
“Anything else I should know about?”
She tilted her head. “Actually, it might a good idea not to tell her you're a Paranormal.”
Wait...Seriously?
I reached out for her. “Tell who?”
The first guard came back into view and waved us in before I could ask again.
I wasn't sure what I had expected, but the inside immediately reminded me of Ryan's tent in Camp Maxwell again, especially once I saw what had to have been the exact same wooden desk with accompanying mugs, ring stains, and papers strewn into a mess. It made me wonder how audacious I would have to be to demand a giant fucking desk be carried halfway across the country for me on top of everything else that would be needed if I were in their position.
I held my breath as its owner, an older, curly-haired woman with glasses and a pantsuit, stood up from behind and shook my hand for me with a sudden smile. She looked like she wanted to sell me insurance. “You must be Jessica. I'm Secretary Elizabeth Hayes. It's a pleasure to meet you.”
I nodded and let out an awkward smile, unsure of what to do with my hands. I glanced over at Olivia for any hint of help, but she only stood to the side and crossed her arms. I finally focused on the empty desk and let out the first thread to pass through my head. “Whose secretary are you, exactly?”
She laughed before walking back and put a hand to her chest. “I suppose the mistake is my own. To be perfectly clear, I'm the acting United States Secretary of the Interior. I have a seat at the President's Cabinet.”
Oh... kay.
How was I supposed to top that? Fortunately for me, it seemed as if Hayes was used to doing most of the talking. “So... You must be wondering why I'm here.”