Innocent Ride

by Chelsea Camaron

  I stand up and pace the small space, and as I pass her, my mom reaches out and tugs my arm to stop me.

  “What did you do?”

  I bark out a sarcastic laugh. “It’s not what I did. It’s everything I didn’t do.”

  “Sit down and explain.”

  “Mom, I don’t even know where to start. We don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the ways I fucked Tessie over.”

  “You start at the beginning,” she says in a manner that leaves me waiting for her to add ‘duh’ to the end of her statement.

  I sigh in defeat, disappointment, and regret. “Fuck.” I run my hands through my long hair again. “If I go all the way back, it never should’ve started. None of it should’ve started. She wasn’t even legal.”

  “My God, you didn’t,” my mother gasps, not understanding and not knowing my history with Tessie.

  “No, no, no. I didn’t fuck her back then. See, I can’t even talk about her and get it right.”

  “Slow down, Drexel. Just one thing at a time.”

  When I stare at her, seeing the concern in her eyes, I calm myself so she won’t worry.

  My mother may not have always made the best choices, but her love for me and Tripp runs deep, and it truly is unconditional. She has always given us the easy love and acceptance of a parent, something I have to figure out how to give my son. There it goes again. Everything goes back to him now. This is my new reality.

  “I met Tessie at a gas station when she was a high school senior, her tassel dangling from the rear view mirror of her busted car. She was cute. And she was hot in this innocent way that I knew I could dirty up a bit and enjoy every second of.”

  “Drexel, I love you, son, and I really want to be supportive and listen to you work through this whole Tessie and having kid, but can we do it without giving me images of you having sex? I caught you enough times as a teen for it to be burned in my memories for a lifetime.”

  I laugh a little, thinking about her trying to remain sheltered to my bedroom activities.

  “Okay, okay. I didn’t have sex with her that day, though. I just flirted with her, but Mom, Catawba isn’t a big city. I kept runnin’ into her, and I guess I have what some might call charisma. Anyhow, we eventually hooked up. Then I don’t know… Something about her made me keep going back. Honestly, she’s like one of three women I’ve ever slept with more than once.”

  “T-M-I, Drexel. I know you aren’t a virgin and you’re far from a damn saint, but seriously, son, I don’t want to know about the sexcapades.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s not something I’ve cared to hide. Tessie knew how I was … how I am … Fuck, I’m a mess.” Frustration at myself builds inside me for how I have lived my life.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, son.”

  “Mom, she didn’t tell me about my son, because she didn’t want to disrupt my life. She didn’t think I was ready to be a dad, and rather than burden me, she took it all on. She gave up college, her dreams gone all to come home and raise our son on her own. And they struggled. Seriously, she worked at a bar while I continued to fuck her and every other piece of pussy I could while she sometimes couldn’t pay her bills, their bills. Mom, she’s still drivin’ the same piece of shit car she was driving years ago when I met her because she can’t afford something better.”

  “So, she’s done good by your boy. Maybe not by you, but by the kid, she’s done the best she could.”

  “Thing is, Mom, she’s right. Not telling me? Yeah, that pisses me the hell off, but I wouldn’t have done anything more for her, or the kid, than give them money. He’s six. My boy, he’s six, in school, and does well.” I stand up again, as my chest tightens painfully, while I think of being a parent. “He looks just like me when I was his age.” I pace the room yet again.

  “Now you know about him, so what are you gonna do? In life, sometimes the path isn’t cleared in front of us, the road isn’t paved yet. You have a choice now, though. Are you going to stay on the road you’ve been on, or are you going to make your way through the unknown?”

  “How can I stay away now that I know? But I’m no good for her, and I’m really not good for him.”

  She reaches out and stops my movements. “Does she want to be with you?”

  “Oh, that’s where I really fucked up. See, once she did. She’s actually been waiting all this time for me to get my shit together. Only, I didn’t. Now, it’s too late.”

  “If you want her, you care about her, if you love her, it’s not too late.” My mom tries to give me hope, only that is not what I want.

  “I care about her, but I don’t want to be with her … not anymore. I’m not sure what I wanted in the past.” Stepping away from her, I grip the chair as I feel my chest tighten more. I am unable to articulate what it is I truly want from Tessie … for Tessie. “She’s different, I’ve never denied that, but I’m not in a place to be stable for her.”

  “So, get in a place to be stable for both of them.”

  “That ship has sailed, Mom. You make this sound so simple, but the thing is, she has someone else now. And he’s good to her and to Axel. I handled it all wrong, though.”

  “What did you do?” Something in her tone pulls at me to let it all out.

  “First, her car breaks down, so she calls Doll, and Tripp calls me.” My mom is nodding her head that she follows me. “Yeah, I was balls deep in a barfly. So, while I continued pounding away, I called my Hellions’ brother, Shooter, to go help Tessie. Talk about passing on my responsibilities.”

  “Shooter? Is he the one she’s with now?”

  I nod as I continue. “He steps in, fixes her car, and even lets her borrow his to drive something safe while he completely overhauls the piece she had been driving, all out of kindness … Who does that? Shooter, that’s who. She wasn’t fuckin’ him. I knew it. Hell, I tried to hook up with her one night. Only, Tessie had decided fuckin’ me wasn’t good for either of us, so she had cut me off months before. I got pissed because this particular night she rejected me, and I knew—just knew—in my gut, she was done with me.” I pause, catching my breath as the anger rages through me.

  My mom, sensing the change, only sits silently, watching and waiting for me to continue.

  I blow out a breath loudly. “Mom, I left her that night. Alone.”

  I can’t bring myself to say more.

  “What happened, Drexel?” my mom quietly encourages me to finish.

  “She was a-a-attacked. Brutally.” I grip the chair so hard the whites of my knuckles show. “I wasn’t there. Shooter, he saved her. He helped her work through all of that, and in all of that, they bonded.”

  “You can’t possibly blame them for that?”

  “Fuck no, Mom. Who wouldn’t be close after surviving together? Shooter, though, he knew about Axel. He saw him, and when I say he looks just like me, there’s no denying he’s mine. Shooter knew, and yet he didn’t tell me. At the time, I was enraged, but I’ve had some time now to process it now. I was pissed my son was kept from me, but the more time passes, the more I just don’t want to lose any more time. Besides, Lux said she wouldn’t have told me, either.”

  “Lux?”

  “Caroline. She’s Doll’s college friend. She’s the deluxe model of a female, all Fancy Nancy and shit. Mom, she keeps it real even when I don’t want her to. She puts me in my place. And what she said made what Tessie did make sense. Only now, I don’t know how to make it all work.

  “Tessie has something good with Shooter, and I really want good for her, Mom. She’s had it hard. He looks at her like she’s his very next breath, and I could never give her that. How do I fit into all this, though? That boy, he’s part of me, part of us, Mom.”

  “Sounds like you are finally growing up, Drexel. It also sounds like Tessie has done the best she could. The future is what you make it, so if you want to be in your son’s life, it doesn’t sound to me like Shooter or Tessie would hold you back. You say they are good people and good toget
her?”

  I nod, but before I can reply, she puts up her hand to stop me.

  “Mark my words, Drexel Devon Crews, there is a little boy involved here who is no doubt as confused as you are. If you aren’t going to be there one hundred percent—and I mean it— if you aren’t going to be there all the way, then stay out of it. Being a parent isn’t just about the fun times. It’s hard as hell. It’s sacrifice. Tessie has given you an out, but if you step in, you do it all the way for the rest of that little boy’s life, not just till he’s eighteen. You are there as her teammate, as her partner to raise him, fight for him, to provide for him, and to love him. You don’t get to come in and disrupt what she has built just because you wake up and decide to be a dad today. You also don’t get to go to sleep tomorrow and decide it’s too much. If you do this, it’s forever.”

  “I can’t imagine walking away now that I know about him. I can’t imagine missing anything more with him. I want to take him fishing and shit like Pops did with Tripp and me.”

  “Then I ask you, are you all in?”

  “I don’t want to mess him up. I don’t want to mess this up. He has it good, Mom. Am I good enough for him?”

  Tears well in her eyes. “The man in my kitchen today is not the same man who had dinner with me a month ago. The man in my kitchen has actually taken the time to think about the consequences of his life and his actions on someone else. Not only am I proud of the man you are right now, but I’m proud of the man I know you are becoming.

  “Change is not always a bad thing, Drexel. You have a good soul deep in there. A little selfish at times, but you have good in you. To recognize that Tessie has something good and is building something good for Axel shows the sacrifice you are willing to make.

  “A year or two ago, your selfish desires would have you upsetting both of their lives to see if you could fit in. But the man here tonight is thinking about what’s best for his son before he leaps into his life. That’s maturity, understanding, and it’s what will make you an amazing dad, not only to Axel, but to your future children, as well. You can do this, son, if this is what you want.”

  What I want? Hmmm … That is a loaded question.

  She stands, comes over, and hugs me. As the unconditional love of my mother engulfs me, I realize I want to be a father to my son. I want to find a way to give Axel me without taking him from Tessie and the life they are building with Shooter. I want to give my son what my mother has always given me: a rock solid parent. Only, my son will have three with me, Tessie, and Shooter.

  Chapter Three

  Friends

  ~Caroline~

  I survived another day, I sigh to myself as I step out of my heels. Home at last and my anxiety can subside some. By the end of my days spent avoiding the slight touches of Chad, I am exhausted, but I don’t know what to do.

  He asked me to dinner, once again. How long will we stay on this hamster wheel? What part of “no, I am not interested,” doesn’t he understand? Obviously, he is not used to rejection. We went to dinner, once. And it blew up in my face. What would have happened if I hadn’t reacted? I shudder at the thought.

  Sure, I panicked that night because I felt like I was in danger. However, since then, I haven’t allowed myself to be alone with Chad, so I am safe. Well, as safe as I can be. He won’t come to my apartment—too many witnesses if I yell.

  This entire thing is completely out of control. Shivers run down my spine as I think of how many times he whispers that he will have me, but I try to push it down. I try not to think about it. Yet, every so often, Chad is there to tell me, if I say anything, people will believe him over me. He has been there longer; they know him better. It is my word against his. I wanted his attention, after all. Sure, I wanted attention in the beginning. I didn’t want this kind of attention, though. I am so in over my head now. I don’t know what I am going to do.

  Honestly, I kneed him in the balls that night; therefore, I would think he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. What man comes back for more when my rejection was most certainly painful for him, not only physically, but for his ego, as well?

  Somehow, I think I may have challenged him further. Like a panther hunting its prey, he is laying low in the tall grasses of our tall work building to strike out and catch me when I least expect it.

  At that thought, insecurity takes ahold of me and grips me tightly. This is far from over, but I am in too deep to see my way out.

  If only he would stop leading me down the hall to every meeting with his hand low on the small of my back. If only he wouldn’t brush the back of his knuckles against my shoulders or my cheeks every time he leaves a paper on my desk. If only he wouldn’t find ways to keep touching me, from the brush of his fingers over mine to the bump of his legs under the board room table. How can I escape him when I am assigned directly to him? He is everywhere I am for eight hours a day, every week day, and overtime.

  Feeling dirty, feeling covered by my mistakes, I make my way back to my bathroom and turn the shower on to scalding hot. The water burns going down my skin in an unpleasant yet soothing way. The grime of my sin’s past, the filth of his hands finding reasons to touch me throughout the day, and the overall stress of my situation flows down the drain as the water cascades over me. Too bad, the minute I step out, the realities of my life will wash over me once again. Is it possible for me to live in the shower?

  The sound of my doorbell chiming tells me it is definitely impossible for one to live her life in a shower. Well, damn, there goes that idea.

  Hopping out, I quickly dry off, wrap myself up in my robe, throw my hair up in a towel wrapped turban style, and rush to my front door. I don’t allow myself fear of who could be on the other side, nor do I question why I have visitors at all as I swing the door open wide. My friends would call first, so I should be alarmed. Instead, too lost in thoughts and too caught off guard, I open the door wide to find none other than Drexel Crews on my doorstep with a box in hand.

  “Rex,” I greet as my heart rate speeds up. My mouth goes dry as I take in the bad boy in my doorway.

  He is in dark jeans, a black T-shirt that is tight around his bulging biceps, the black vest he wears all the damn time, and boots. His dirty blonde hair falling just at his shoulders is wet, making it look brown.

  I lick my lips as I feel an unquenched thirst race through my veins, like a man stranded on a deserted island with no fresh water.

  Why does he get to me like this? Every time I am in his presence, my pulse quickens, my palms sweat, and I need a drink like never before.

  “Lux, you gonna let me in, or are you gonna stand half-naked in your hallway?” he retorts as my eyes follow his gaze to see that my robe has slid open, exposing my right breast down beyond my nipple.

  Mortification encompasses me as my entire body blushes. Quickly, I cover myself then step back, allowing him into my space. My sanctuary is now as open and exposed as my boob just was.

  He strolls past me as if he owns the place. Rex is a cocky bastard, the kind your mom warns you about. Yes, he is sex walking, sin talking, and everything that makes your girlie parts cry out with need. What is worse, he knows it. He knows exactly what he does to women. His eyes dance in challenge at the thought of a new conquest. No emotions hold him back; just pure, undiluted lust rules him.

  However, I refuse to let him see he gets to me. I am far too controlled, minus my minor failure with Chad, to allow myself entanglements that jeopardize my future.

  “Lux, you gonna stand there all night, holding the damn door open, or you gonna come have some cheesecake with me, sweetheart?”

  Sweetheart? His endearment quickly snaps me out of my thoughts. He may have startled me momentarily, but he won’t rattle me, and he sure as shit won’t shake me. Where is the sign for my door that says ‘No boys allowed’ like I always wanted as a kid for a girl’s only clubhouse?

  Slamming the door harshly, I mask the mixed emotions Rex brings out in me as I steel myself to have him in my home
.

  “Why are you here?” I ask as I make my way to the kitchen where he has already found two plates and laid them out on the counter.

  “To have cheesecake with a friend. Harrison, down at the garage, swears his woman Tiff makes the best damn chocolate cheesecake ever. I could give a shit if it’s the best. I just want to see if it’s good.”

  “So you brought it here? Yeah, ’cause I’m your first choice of people to hang out with … sssuuurrreee.”

  “You could be,” he states in this nonchalant way that almost has me believing him. Almost.

  “Cut the shit, Rex. Why are you here? We aren’t friends, we aren’t fucking, and we aren’t about to start, either.”

  He grabs his chest dramatically in mock pain. “You crush my dreams, Lux.”

  God, I hate when he calls me that, but I have learned, the more I fight it, the more he does it, so I pick my battles.

  I shake my head at him, trying to hold back a laugh. Here I have this tall, built like he lives at the gym, gorgeous man in my kitchen, cutting me cheesecake, and he is acting like I have truly killed his hopes while I stand in my bathrobe, air drying, unsure of my next move. We come from two completely different places in life, and yet, he always makes me smile, even when I don’t want to.

  “Blushing looks good on you, Lux.” He smirks at me, causing me to blush further. “You know, I would look even better on you, in you, and all over you,” he adds without hesitation.

  “Rex,” I attempt to say firmly, although I think it comes out as more of a whine, borderline plea.

  He raises his hands up in surrender. “Friends, Lux. I’m here with chocolate cheesecake to be friends.”

  “Again, cut the shit, Rex. You aren’t here to be my ‘friend.’ ” I use air quotes as I stress the word.

  Lightening quick, he comes around the counter and has me pressed up against him as he wraps one arm firmly around my lower back and uses his other hand to tip my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze.