Disciples

by Austin Wright

  In the early morning I wake up with naked Veena loudly beside me. My night was stuck in the confusion of Veena for Judy, Minnie for Harry, and June for myself, with all forms of devotion translated into sex. After a while I hear grief like a train whistle down the track. I see myself as a railroad track straight between the trees and I riding along like a train. I don’t know who laid that track or set me running, but there’s a switch deflecting me suddenly, spinning me into the wilderness. Now there’s no track and I’m stalled, I can’t go anywhere. Someone should have told me, someone should have warned me. I rage in the silence of the early light.

  Then it passes and when Veena wakes up, I’m ready to continue. Good morning to you, sunshine. We take turns in the bathroom and shower. When we are ready we go next door and knock, like lovers traveling with a pair of maiden aunts. We go down to breakfast together. The decorum of the morning prohibits any mention of last night. We are quiet and subdued.

  They leave me by a ramp near Rochester. I have Veena’s address and telephone number in my pack. I’ll probably lose them. I couldn’t see if she was crying when we left.

  Two more rides take me home. First a couple in their twenties. They speak neither to each other nor to me during my three hours with them. Then a couple of guys, one with a pony tail, the other with a beard. They ask me to explain why I don’t like the word nigger. They say they don’t mean no harm, live and let live. Okay? they say. They want me to agree. Okay, I say.

  They let me off at the Mall, where I catch a bus. My apartment is stuffy, having been closed more than a week. I check things out and guess it’s good to be home.

  I don’t call the Fields. Maybe tomorrow. I think what I did on the road, my right to do it, after what I’ve been through without reward. Maybe I won’t call them. Not until they call me. If they do. Then I can decide if I want anything more to do with them. The grief is back. This time it’s for getting off the track my train was on. Like if I don’t follow that track I won’t know who I am. Loyal and faithful, David Leo. I realize that any choice I could have made in the game last night would have been a betrayal. The game was stacked against me from the beginning. This makes me mad once more, and gets rid of the grief again for a little while, anyway.

  22

  Nick Foster

  After I didn’t find the professor in his house I forgot. I kept forgetting.

  I worked at Pompadours. One day I saw the brown man Oliver said was black across the street. He was walking along. I ran out from the kitchen with my apron on. Hey I said what are you doing here.

  You jesus get way from me he said.

  Who let you out you’re exile I said.

  Stay back or I’ll call the police he said.

  I thought that’s wrong. He broke the rules. I called Loomer at Miller Farm. Dumb people don’t know how to make long distance telephone calls. I called from the restaurant telephone and asked the operator. I said I want to call Loomer. Where is he she said. I told her Miller Farm. Where’s that she said. I said New Hampshire. What town she said. I couldn’t remember and then I remembered Wicker Falls. So she called Miller Farm and said Loomer. Loomer said hello.

  Dumb people can’t do that. I told Loomer the black man was loose. Loomer laughed.

  Well what should I do I said.

  I don’t give a damn just don’t kill him Loomer said. Don’t bother me I got better things to worry about.

  I thought about it. I thought if the professor was on the East Coast where the lady said then the professor escaped the black man. Dumb people don’t think things like that.

  I thought if then the professor would be back here home. I figured how to find out. I found his number in the telephone book and if he answered the phone he was back. The lady’s voice answered. I hung up. I waited for the lady to go away and then I called again. Another lady answered. She had a different voice like an old mother or the librarian in the school library asking did I need help. She wasn’t the professor so I hung up again. I thought if I kept calling. After a while the others would get tired and he would answer the phone. I kept calling and got the young lady or the librarian lady. Their voices got jumpy. As soon as I heard the voice wasn’t the professor I hung up so I wasn’t taking up their time. I never said anything. Then I thought they have to go to the telephone to answer it so when I heard the voice this time I said sorry and next time the voice started to say something when I said sorry so I listened and she said who is this like she was mad and I hung up fast.

  One day I told Jake Burridge and he took me to Professor Field’s street to sit in the car and watch if he comes out. I seen the lady with the baby George go out in the stroller and come back and five o’clock the professor drives up. That means he’s back. He’s got a woman I never saw like she’s Mrs. Professor. They drive up and put the car in the garage and walk into the house. I went back to work and thought about it.

  I got the gun but I had to work. I said tomorrow’s better because I have the whole day tomorrow but today they’s only a few hours left before it’s not today any more.

  Then tomorrow is today and they’s not so much time as was which gets shorter because the day gets longer. I put the gun in my pocket and walked to the professor’s street. I went up the steps again. I thought the last time I come here and gun in my pocket and the lady who answered the door and I didn’t remember what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to do something here when I saw the professor but I couldn’t think what it was.

  The wife lady I never seen answered the door. She smiled at me like I was nice and asked what I want and I said can I see Professor Harry. Professor Field she said and she called in the house up stairs like Harry dear a man to see you. He came down. He had a sweater without sleeves and shirt sleeves puffing his arms and glasses and when he saw me he said I know you. Then he asked who and I said Nicky and he said you’re the one give us the baby seat at Miller Farm and what can I do for you.

  I said I need your help.

  Sure he said like he was Miller and he chased the lady and we sat down in his study and I took the gun out of my pocket because it was banging against my leg and he looked and said what’s that.

  I told him it was a gun which surprised me he didn’t know a simple gun when he saw one.

  What are you doing with it. I told him I went to the store all by myself and paid for it with my own money.

  All right he said like a little bit mad. I didn’t want him to be mad. Sorry I said. What for he said like a little bit madder more. I know you the one who helped kidnap my granddaughter and you also kidnapped my friend David Leo and abandoned him on an island in Maine.

  He escaped I said. He wasn’t supposed to.

  Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be kidnapped either he said.

  But Loomer said.

  Loomer eh. He told you.

  I started to say but couldn’t think. I heard people in the hall and I saw the lady with the baby. That’s my baby I said. The baby looked at me. Hey baby remember me I said. The lady turned and saw me and made a noise like when my sister cut her thumb with the scissors. She looked at the gun on the table.

  That man she said. She ran out the door with the baby.

  What’s the matter boy he said. He leaned over the table like a nice old man.

  That’s my baby I said.

  That’s the baby you tried to steal.

  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do I said.

  Do about what.

  I don’t know. I need somebody to tell me.

  I have a suggestion. Let’s start by getting rid of that gun. He put his hand out. I grabbed the gun. I need that I said.

  What for he said.

  I tried to remember. I’m supposed to kill somebody.

  Really. Who are you supposed to kill.

  I looked at him and I was scared. I don’t know I said.

  Did somebody tell you to kill somebody.

  No I said. I tried to think. The professor looked at me smiling like trying to coax Peter Rab
bit out of a hole.

  Then why do you think you are supposed to kill somebody.

  I don’t know.

  Well where did you get the idea.

  It’s who killed Oliver I said.

  Ah he said. Your friend who got killed is that it.

  Yes.

  You depended on him.

  Yes. I said he was my I tried to think of the word Loomer used. All I could think of was Miller and I said he was my Miller.

  Your leader. Your teacher.

  I remembered the word. My guru.

  That’s a big loss for you he said. I thought how he knew. It makes you feel rudderless doesn’t it.

  I didn’t know what the word meant. It meant something so I said yes. Rudderless.

  You need to look in new directions. Seek new leadership. Learn to think for yourself.

  That’s what Loomer said I said. I remembered. He killed my guru so I’m supposed to kill his guru.

  What did you say.

  The black man I said. I’m supposed to kill his guru.

  He was leaning forward and his hands were too close to the gun. I snatched the gun away from him and he jumped up in his chair. He was breathing hard and then he smiled.

  Who’s his guru.

  You I asked. Are you his guru.

  Me. Are you saying you want to kill me. Is that what you are talking about.

  My insides bumped like a dirt road.

  You’re wrong he said. You’re not supposed to kill anyone. He said it madly and I was scared. Is that why you want my help. Well listen to me my young friend. There are two problems with what you said. One it wasn’t Davey who killed your guru. Two I’m not Davey’s guru. Furthermore it’s wrong to kill people. It won’t bring Oliver back to life and it would only ruin your own life. Turn your mind to other things.

  I cried.

  You need to look ahead instead of the past. Get interested in something. Maybe we can figure up something good for you to do. Would you like me to help you.

  I need to kill somebody.

  Why.

  Because he took my baby.

  What baby.

  Your baby. My baby. I loved my baby and he took it.

  Do you mean Judy’s baby for God’s sake. That’s not your baby and no reason to kill anybody about.

  There was a big noise. People ran into the room. They said you freeze. They were cops in shirt sleeves pointing guns at me. One of them grabbed me by the shoulder and pointed his gun in my face. Stand up you he said. Another grabbed my gun on the table and said I got his gun.

  What’s going on the professor said.

  It’s all right sir the policeman said. We got him now.

  What are you doing why are you here.

  Someone called us the man said you’re being held up.

  The lady with the baby came in. I called them Daddy when I saw the gun she said.

  For heavens sake there’s no need for that we were having a peaceful conversation the professor said.

  Nine one one the policeman said.

  He came by the other day with that gun the lady said. He kidnapped my baby.

  No no it’s all right the baby is safe and sound the professor said.

  Where’d you get that gun the policeman said.

  Bought it I said.

  We’re going to take you in concealed weapon.

  No need to do that the professor said. This is a peaceable visit I was giving Nick advice. The weapon isn’t concealed it’s right out on the table in plain sight.

  After a while the police were sorry and left. The lady was sorry but the professor said all right. They went away and the professor talked again. I was glad he kept me from going with the police. Call me Harry he said.

  Listen to me Harry said. Let’s not have any talk about killing people. David Leo did not kill your Oliver get that through your head. Who told you that is trying to confuse you. Did Loomer tell you that.

  I thought who told me. Loomer told me. I thought how did Harry know. I thought how did Harry know so many things.

  David pushed Oliver Loomer told me I said.

  Did you see David push Oliver did you actually see.

  I don’t know.

  Let’s check out a couple of facts shall we do that Nicky.

  Sure.

  Where were you when Oliver died.

  In the woods.

  What were you doing there. Were you supposed to shoot Davey. Was that what Oliver wanted you to do.

  Yes. I thought how did Harry know.

  Then what he said.

  Loomer came along.

  Loomer came along and told you he would do it and sent you off into the woods is that what happened.

  Yes. I wondered how Harry knew. He wasn’t there then I thought how did Harry know.

  So you didn’t see David push Oliver at the top of the falls did you. You didn’t because you were back in the woods right.

  I guess I didn’t I said. I remembered seeing him push and I remembered not remembering.

  Now tell me while you were back in the woods did you hear any shots.

  Yes.

  How many.

  One.

  Who do you think shot that shot.

  Loomer.

  Why Loomer.

  I saw.

  You saw him shoot that shot you really did.

  I think I did.

  What direction was he shooting.

  Up.

  Up in the sky.

  Up the waterfall.

  What did you think did you think he was shooting Davey as he said he would.

  I thought he was shooting the black man.

  But he didn’t did he.

  No.

  Who came falling down the falls.

  Oliver.

  After Loomer shot up the falls.

  Yes.

  Oliver came falling down when you were expecting Davey to come falling down is that right.

  Yes.

  Then why isn’t it obvious to you that Loomer shot Oliver. Loomer I said.

  He killed your friend don’t you realize that.

  Loomer I said.

  You saw it yourself didn’t you just tell me.

  Loomer I said. I thought. I knew it I said.

  I knew before but now I knew it. It made me jump up and down. I stood and jumped up and down. I knew it like I knew everything. I growled like the tiger’s tongue and trumpeted like the elephant’s pecker.

  Easy boy. You knew it he said.

  I saw it I said.

  What did you see.

  I saw Loomer kill Oliver.

  It made me mad. I felt good and mad. I hit my fist in my palm. I aimed the gun at Harry. He ducked so I aimed it at the window. I said wow.

  Now do you see why you mustn’t kill Davey.

  Not him I said. I smashed my fist and banged the gun against my head. Careful with that he said.

  He deceived you Harry said. He induced you to deny the evidence of your eyes and your good common sense.

  My good common sense.

  Loomer. He’s tricked you Nicky.

  Wow I said. Dumb people don’t see how they are tricked. I saw how I was tricked and it made me good and mad. I said if Loomer killed Oliver then Loomer took the baby.

  Loomer didn’t take the baby he said. Oliver took her and Loomer and Miller gave her back to us.

  That’s what I meant I said Loomer gave the baby away. I heard a voice talk not Harry. The voice said ask him.

  I asked him. Will you help me I said.

  Gladly Nicky I can put you in touch with counselor types. We can give you tests to discover your aptitudes and special interests.

  The voice said tell him. You help me kill Loomer I said.

  Kill Loomer don’t be ridiculous. Don’t talk about killing you mustn’t think in such terms.

  I thought in such terms. The voice said if you were smart you would do it yourself. I said don’t worry I’ll do it myself.

  No you won’t Nicky you’ve got to rise
above.

  The voice said go to Miller Farm. I said I’ll go to Miller Farm and kill him myself. I felt proud for doing that.

  You stay here you can’t go to Miller Farm. Stay right here you can come to me for help. We’ll work out a program.

  I went home. I worked at the Pompadour. I asked the voice what to do but it didn’t say. One day I came back. Harry talked more. He said I would never amount if I killed somebody. He made me talk to a lady in an office. She had a white coat. I took a test and filled in blanks. The test was hard.

  One day I went to Harry again. Harry talked about careers. He asked me if I liked to make things and the good feeling I get from making something. He said the good feeling if I make Nick Foster. I said how can I make Nick Foster. That’s ridiculous I am him how can I make him. He said like I could build me out of me. It sounded like hard work. He said forming habits and getting interested. You’re smarter than you think you are Harry said. He said I’m going to teach you how to think for yourself.

  I liked when he said that. Oliver said I wasn’t as smart as I think I am. Harry said Oliver was wrong. I liked it both. If I was not smart then I could do what Oliver said and not worry. If I was smart then I could do what I wanted and not worry. I heard the voice talking again not Harry. It talked about killing Loomer. It said don’t tell Harry because Harry said I should get over it. If I don’t tell Harry he won’t say get over it. The voice talked and talked. I thought and it stopped talking and I stopped thinking. Then I didn’t know what to do. If I thought I didn’t know what to do too. If I didn’t know what to do that’s what I needed Harry for.

  One day the voice said ask him for a ticket to Miller Farm. Harry said what do you want to go to Miller Farm for. I told him so I could kill Loomer.

  He said get rid of that obsession in your mind who taught you that barbarous idea.

  Thou shalt not kill everybody knows that I said.

  One day I asked him for a ticket to Miller Farm again. Harry said no way. He said I’m not going to pay for an assassination no way. I said what’s assassination and he told me.

  Next time I asked him the voice said tell him I don’t want to kill Loomer. I want to see Miller.

  Why do you want to see Miller he said.

  I remembered. Because Miller is God Himself I said.