Disciples

by Austin Wright

  I told him it comes down to two things in this world. One is the thing itself. The other is the rationale. Everything depends on the rationale, which helps you decide who to kill, Oliver not Davey and no stranger in the street. The rationale joins you to Miller as God and the Miller Farm, and fixes your arguments to get the right people on your side like my recruiting arguments for Miller Farm at AA meetings around the country. Rationale gives your folks motives which make them feel better. Rationale helps you scare people like how the world is getting hateful and we need to gather together like a bunch of sticks. Rationale talks of the future when all the various Miller Societies in the world get together and make Armageddon on earth. But rationale is nothing compared to what rationale is for, which is what I feel with the adrenalin popping like drug and my heart thumping in the sky looking at Oliver waddle in my sights on the elephant’s pecker and see I can do it free and nothing touch me.

  The question arises, what if Davey steps across like he was supposed to if Oliver’s plan had its way? I don’t know. Sometimes you don’t know what you want until you do it. Maybe I was thinking of it but I doubt. It would have been Oliver’s plan for Oliver with all the reasons that made him disgusting. I didn’t know the real joy then, I only had a notion, which was why I took the rifle out of Nicky’s hands in the first place. The point is when Oliver not Davey appeared, stepping carefully onto the elephant’s pecker (which he was dumb enough to think was only a tiger’s tongue, the last straw, not to know a tiger’s tongue from an elephant’s pecker), that was all it took to know my true self and mission and clarify in one second what Oliver Quinn was and squeeze the joy out of him into that trigger and up the misty waterfall. Down he came.

  Like is this a mountain peak or my bed like a dream? Am I talking or only thinking? It can’t be a dream but a blot in my mind, momentary amnesia, like Miller’s amnesia can’t remember what it was like to be God so here am I, can’t remember who it was I can’t remember I was. You asked about Nicky. I remember him, crazy about that baby like he was its mother. After the Oliver funeral Miller told me get rid of him. Kid’s dangerous, if he stays around sooner or later he catch on who killed his buddy then hell to pay. Nick’s simple, Miller said, Nick thinks slow but after a while no stopping him. Reality principle Miller said. Get rid of him, he told me, do it your way, just get him out of here.

  Meanwhile Nicky himself wanted me to catch Davey to punish him for giving his baby away or killing Oliver, he not sure which. Even though his own eyes saw me shoot Oliver, it was easy to make him think Davey did it for a while. Then he didn’t know what to do, because it takes a while for the kill notion to collect in a mind slow like his, while I’m thinking how to satisfy Miller until I think the two birds with one stone principle. Utilize, I say, that’s economy. Utilize David to get rid of Nick. Not on Miller Farm though. Out somewhere it wouldn’t be found for which Stump Island was just fine. So I masterminded that expedition for Nick’s benefit to catch Davey, take him to Stump Island, and get rid of Nick in the process while he thinks I’m helping him. Thinking who would check out Stump Island and find them here if I weighted them both with rocks?

  What I’m telling you is, I changed my mind. Which I have a right to do, like maybe my mind changed too when I saw Oliver step into the cross hairs only then it didn’t. With a rationale. The rationale was the mistake in calculation, like in Miller Farm, if Davey disappeared he’d be missed. With witnesses, the geezer at Jake and Jim’s, the harbor master, all them who knew where Miller Farm used to be. Me thinking if I can’t get rid of Davey then I can’t get rid of Nicky either. Like Oliver should have known, we’re not as sovereign as we say when it comes to particulars.

  I told you, when I got to the island the joy went out of it. Not to kill this black man, who had nothing much killable in him, while killing Nicky would be just brutal if it didn’t have a plan or something clever about it. Like I said, did I tell you this? Truth is I hate killers. Hate them worse than anything in the world, damn pricks going around taking God’s life away from people. That’s why I killed Oliver, because the guy was a damn killer, his true colors showing as soon as he confused that elephant’s pecker with a tiger’s tongue. Now if I had to kill anyone on the island, the joy would rather kill Nick, not because Miller said to but because what it wants most to kill is stupidity, like Oliver was stupid, and though Nick is not as stupid as Oliver, he’s stupid enough to want to kill somebody and that’s stupid enough to be killed. This Davey on the other hand was not even stupid enough to kill. He was just dumb, which is different. Stupid wants an excuse to kill and does something else it thinks is as good as killing, whereas dumb doesn’t know what it wants and doesn’t know about the joy of killing. Dumb is ordinary. Dumb reads Raskolnikov and thinks he’s somebody else, not you. Dumb thinks the Christian end is the truth about Raskolnikov, not the killing beginning, and thinks Raskolnikov got what was coming to him, which he did, but only because he turned dumb without having the joy to carry it out.

  I think back to Miller’s command, to get rid of doesn’t necessarily mean kill if I could get rid of them in my own way. Leave them both on Stump Island to eat each other up. Double exile, that would be fun. No better than weighting them with rocks though because of the witnesses, plus the fact that two exiles together gives them more brain than they would otherwise have over a period of time and sooner or later they find a way off, which is trouble to avoid. So I changed my mind again to get my kick out of letting the black man go and leaving Nick stranded alone on the island. Putting the black man in my debt, I’m on your side buddy, the world is yours, life saver. Only then I’d have the black man’s conscience to worry about, if he makes a fuss about leaving the guy behind even if he does want to kill you. So that plan’s no good either. It ended up I left the black man on the island in fake exile only I forgot to tell the man with the boat, and found myself on shore with Nick still with me like nothing had happened and I still hadn’t got rid of him. So in the end I took him to Bangor in the car and then just told him scram, here’s money, go home and don’t come back, which I could have done in the first place without the bother of Stump Island and just as good results.

  So I take my joy where it’s left me to take. The world used to be full of joys if you knew how. I caught Davey for Nick, then let him go, leaving him and Nick in a state of maximum confusion. Sending Nick off to the bus all by himself wondering what to do, so maybe he’ll look up the professor, that would be vicarious, if you can plant that joyful an idea in his idiotic soul to make interesting consequences. I should have been a religious terrorist, too bad I didn’t realize that before. Get my gratification by the principle of maximum surprise, sowing shock and surprise by remote making everybody live in a state of cringe. Emulate God and the irrationality of all fate. What’s the matter with me?

  It looks like pavement, that’s what it is. What am I doing here? I remember. I took Davey’s car to Bangor. Nick went home. What I told Miller, I got rid of him, let him wonder how. Miller’s dumb, not stupid. He doesn’t understand the joys of killing and not killing, though a man in his position really ought to is what I think. What the hell. There’s a day coming. I know it, I feel it. It’s concrete and damned cold. If it’s the big day, I don’t yet know. It’s coming and I was waiting for it. I was ready. I intended to speak to a few guys next week. Sound them out, get a little start. Call it the Raskolnikov Society, good name. Wouldn’t tell Miller, no need for him to know. Gave it up for some reason. Why did I do that?

  Milk. I remember. When was that, yesterday? Today? This morning? That’s what I thought. I came in town early this morning to get milk. Milk. Loomer went to the village to get milk. Because this woman with the kids, stepping out of her cottage when I was on my way to tune up my truck, she asked can I get milk which she ran out of and I said sure. Showing what a nice guy when things are ordinary and no great stress, why not go to town to get milk for this woman whose name I forget because she got kids and needs milk having run out? I
t comes back, I remember now. So that’s where I am, which I would know if I could open my eyes and lift my head and look around. Is it already too late? I must be losing blood is why I’m having such trouble keeping things straight. If you ask I’ll tell you if I can open my mouth. Milk. I get in the truck and drive to town, just in time for the store to open, and when I come out there’s the kid just walking along front of the post office looking at the sky. The kid himself Nicky it takes me a moment to remember I sent him away so how’d he get back, another moment to why he got back, another for him to recognize me like he seen a ghost. Never saw anybody so scared in my life, not even when I was a cop busting in the door to arrest the guy. And him backing off like I was the ghost, though he himself looked like a ghost to me, a ghost looking like he had seen a ghost. Then he asks me my name like he’s not sure, he says, Loomer? like he doesn’t know and needs to be reminded.

  Loomer sure, Nicky I say, what you doing, you come back to live with us? Already I have a bad idea about why he’s here though I don’t yet know the precise nature of the badness. He says, Wait.

  Wait what? Wait what for?

  Stay there, he says, don’t move.

  Why should I move, like he sees me about to arrest him, what did he ever know about me as a cop, did he even know I was a cop?

  What’s the matter with you Nicky?

  Don’t you outwit me, he says.

  Outwit you, what would I outwit you about? He’s fiddling in his pocket. A dirty handkerchief comes out and drops on the ground. He tries another pocket, gets a little white spiral notebook, puts it back, says to me again, Wait, hey Loomer, wait.

  I’m waiting, it doesn’t occur to me what I’m waiting for.

  Back into the first pocket which looks bulgy to me, now the bulge comes out, a pistol, where’d he get that, what does he want with that, a pistol for Christ sake.

  Wait, he says. I wait. While he looks at it and fiddles with it, like he’s not quite sure how to work it.

  What’s that you got?

  Wait. I ain’t no idiot.

  Then he gets it to click properly and he puts his hand up like he’s going to hand it to me. I step forward to take it and something inside me goes bang and maybe the pistol too, mainly it’s what happened internal to me like my insides suddenly decided to explode. Knocking me off my footing, a surprise to find me on the sidewalk like somebody knocked me down with a baseball axe.

  I see his feet standing next me. His floppy brown shoes with the long laces like he could trip over. Some reason I can’t turn my head enough to look up at him.

  You dead? he asks.

  Yeah I’m dead, I say.

  Okay, he says and walk away.

  Leaving me here. Too damn bad, like to make me mad if I could think about it, but there’s a big telephone pole lying across my middle. Getting cold. Once in the zoo I saw an elephant in a cage slamming his pecker into the ground, bang bang bang. That was a sight to see, the pecker bigger than his trunk, three times as thick. You never see a sight like that on ordinary visits to the zoo. I always admire the elephant, keeping that thing to himself, knowing so much he never tells and always moving calm and slow. Not like the tiger licking his chops.

  If I cared, but the spots are moving in, I don’t see so well, and I’m tired. Maybe I don’t really care what the hell. Maybe I never did, if you think about it.

  26

  Nick Foster

  Harry said we’ll go to Miller Farm in the morning and talk to Miller. The voice said if we do I won’t kill Loomer. It said if Harry doesn’t let me kill Loomer I have to do it myself. I thought how to do it myself when I am with Harry. I thought how to not be with Harry. I didn’t know how to not be with Harry.

  I had my own room in the motel and I was not with Harry there. The sun woke up and I was still not with Harry. The voice said how to not be with Harry and I went out not with Harry. I walked out of the motel and up the road and I thought about not being with Harry all the way to Miller Farm. The morning was early and the grass cried. It said dumb people who can’t go out without Harry are not as smart as me walking on the road by myself. I even knew the way to Miller Farm by myself.

  In Wicker Falls the Bonny Vista Café made me hungry and I had breakfast. I saw people pay the cashier. I didn’t know who would pay for me but I found money in my pocket and I gave the cashier. She figured out the change and gave it back to me. Now I had more money than I started with. I thought how smarter I am getting.

  Across the street I saw Loomer coming out of the store. I wasn’t supposed to see him there I was supposed to see him in Miller Farm. I thought go to Miller Farm and wait for him or go now. The voice said there he is am I ready. I didn’t know what to do like he come to make it easy for me only it was hard and I wondered if he was Loomer and I ask. Loomer I said. He was getting into his truck then come out. Well Nicky what you doing here.

  I thought if he ducked behind the truck he would outwit me. It said be careful don’t outwit me. I come back.

  So I see. He come up with his hand and I thought he could outwit me shaking my hand so I didn’t. The voice said why I come to kill Loomer and there he was what was I going to do.

  Wait I said.

  He said what do you want now Nick are you coming back to live with us. The voice said my gun where is it. I looked for my gun. I couldn’t find it. It said watch he’ll get away.

  Stay there don’t move I said.

  He backed up like he was going to get behind the truck and I came along like not to let him because somebody said he was trying to outwit me be careful. I couldn’t find the gun.

  He said what’s the matter with you Nicky. He smiled friendly which was funny because I never saw him smile before and it made him look different like he wasn’t Loomer after all. The voice said him smiling to outwit me and be extra careful again.

  Wait I said don’t you outwit me.

  Outwit you Nicky. What would I outwit you about.

  I ain’t no idiot I said.

  He came toward me. I found the gun. He stopped. It said he was going to outwit me so I took the gun and shot him. Quicker than I thought.

  I had the gun in my hand and the trigger in my hand was no no. The trigger was like my fly not to open except when. I had to say now before I could pull the trigger it had to take the no no off. When it took the no no off it was easy. The gun went bang before the trigger was all the way. It went bang like it was waiting for me to pull the trigger and all I had to do was. Bang came out of the gun and all around too. It came out of the air and my head and Loomer’s belly where the gun was. Bang pushed my hand back into my chest step back my balance. Bang felt good and the push on my hand and all the things happening from my finger on the trigger. Bang felt good because Loomer dropped like somebody holding him let go. Now I can get my baby back I said.

  He lay on the ground and kept talking. I didn’t expect him to keep talking I thought when you shot someone he died. He lay on the ground and said mumble mumble get a doctor.

  Sorry I said. It said make sure he’s dead.

  Are you dead I said.

  Yeah I’m dead.

  Okay I said. Don’t call me an idiot.

  Blame God you’re an idiot God made you what you are Christ get help.

  What kind of help I said.

  He stopped talking. Something was wrong with him he wasn’t Loomer he turned into something else.

  He was lying his head under the truck. The voice said take the truck is free. I got into the truck. I drove around his head. Dumb people don’t have the sense to drive away in Loomer’s truck.

  I thought if I go back to Harry but the voice said Harry took me to Miller Farm that’s where I was going. I drove the truck to Miller Farm. I didn’t see anybody. I sat on the bench by the horseshoes and waited. I thought how to get my baby back now Loomer dead. I tried to figure how. I figured and figured and couldn’t make it come out. I thought the voice will tell me what to do. I thought who and I thought Harry and I waited for H
arry.

  I heard a siren like the city. I remembered Loomer on the sidewalk and it said I killed Loomer probably. I went into the woods and I hid in the trees and I watched. I saw the car with lights and a policeman and I thought who will be my guru now. The policeman went into the house and Miller came out and got into the policeman’s car and they drove up the hill. Another car came down the hill and the policeman got out. People came out of their houses. They talked. They went into the altered barn and ate breakfast. I already had my breakfast at Bonny Vista.

  I thought I don’t know what to do. I thought if I go into the altered barn and say hello. Nice people and Maria will take care of me. It said no no. I thought why no no. It said if I killed Loomer. I remembered shooting Loomer. I remembered Loomer on the ground his different look. I thought if that meant I killed him. I wanted my guru. I thought I’m not smart enough to know. It said would they chase me. I thought I wish I were smarter. I thought how I was smart enough to be not with Harry. Smart enough to kill Loomer and not let him outwit me. Not smart enough to know what to do.