A Lady in Attendance

by Rachel Fordham

  Walking warmed them but not enough to keep all their shivers away. With chattering teeth, she told him how Hugo and Elizabeth had agreed to help and that they were to come back in a week. In a softer voice, she said, “We talked of Nathaniel, and I find myself wondering how he truly felt about me. For a long time I tried not to think of him, but now I feel guilty and curious and . . . so many feelings. I’m eager now to read his journal.”

  Gilbert nodded but said nothing. He wasn’t sure what to say or how he fit into it all. Nathaniel was a piece of Hazel’s story that he’d never be a part of. A chapter he wasn’t sure he’d ever fully understand.

  “I’m sorry I left you in the cold for so long.”

  “Don’t be.” He quickened the pace, afraid they’d be trapped in the city if they didn’t hurry.

  “When we get back to the hotel, I will pen a letter to my parents letting them know all that’s happened and asking if I might see them next week. Then I’ll be ready to go.”

  He nodded. “I’ll pray their hearts will be as soft as Hugo’s and Elizabeth’s were.”

  When they stepped through the hotel doors, he sighed as the heat kissed his frozen fingers and nose, sending a painful tingle through them. Moments later, they were greeted by Ina and Duncan.

  “I’ll make arrangements for our ride while you write your letter,” Gilbert said after they gave them a brief recap of their morning. “We can discuss our plans as we travel. We need to leave as soon as we can.”

  “But where is Eddie?” Hazel asked. “We can’t leave him.”

  “He came back earlier and said he was finding his own way home. We tried to stop him, but he insisted.” Ina looked distraught over the confession. “We tried. Honest we did.”

  “I don’t doubt it. Don’t worry about him. The time alone might even do him good,” Gilbert said despite the worry he felt. “I will run to my room and pack. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

  Dear Father and Mother,

  I know you’ve requested I not write, and throughout the trying days since my release, I have obeyed your wishes. I would continue to do so, but I feel I have cause to write.

  In as few lines as possible, she summarized the case, beginning with her initial fears and finishing with the help Hugo and Elizabeth promised.

  I know it is a lot to ask that you believe me innocent, but I beg you to try. I’ll be back next week, and I’d like to see you and Mathilda. I’ve heard she is sick, and I fear I won’t rest easy until I see her and tell her once again how I adore her. I must also warn you that there is a small but real chance that danger could befall you if anyone knows that I am back and working to clear my past. Be on the lookout. I’ll pray for your safety, Mathilda’s health, and our reunion. If you will allow me to visit next week, send word to Mrs. Northly’s boardinghouse for women in Amherst. Address it to Hazel McDowell. I’ll explain it all later.

  Hazel looked out the window at the falling snow. She needed to hurry and leave. There was so much more to be said, but there was no time. She quickly finished the letter.

  I want you to know that I love you all. I didn’t appreciate familial love like I should have, but when it was absent from my life, I felt the void. I turned to the Lord and found peace and comfort, but I still long for another chance to be the daughter I should have been.

  All my love,

  Hazel

  She folded and sealed the letter, then dashed downstairs, where she paid the doorman to deliver it to her parents and joined the rest of the group. They hurried into their rented ride and under the travel blankets.

  “With Hugo and Elizabeth’s connections and money and all the evidence we have already, it should not be a hard case to prove.” Duncan sat back in his seat. “I hadn’t expected everything to go this smoothly.”

  “I wished for it and prayed for it,” Hazel said. “No matter what, I’m grateful for your efforts and kindness.”

  Gilbert gripped her hand then and held it as they traveled home. The journey was easy despite the snow, the goodbyes were brief but heartfelt, and then Hazel and Ina found themselves back at Mrs. Northly’s. They readied for bed in the same way they always did. It felt odd to do such normal things while in the midst of so much uncertainty.

  “Are you going to read Nathaniel’s journal now?” Ina’s eyes went to the leather book Hazel had set beside her bed.

  “Yes, though I’m afraid to open it. I know what I want to find, but I’m afraid of what I will find.” She flipped absently through the pages. “I will read it though. No matter what the entries say, it will be better to know how he felt than to always wonder.”

  “Will it change things with Gilbert?”

  “The journal?” Hazel sighed. She’d asked herself the same thing. “I don’t know. I’ve insisted we remain only the best of friends, and I think that’s wise considering the history I share with Eddie.” She ran her hand over the soft leather cover. “I think what I want is for the journal to somehow reassure me that Nathaniel did not go to his grave regretting our marriage. I’d find a measure of comfort in that, and maybe some courage too.”

  Ina looked up. “Courage?”

  “I’ve been afraid for years now that I ruined a man’s life, and knowing that I didn’t would . . . well, it would change things. I’d like to know that I was not a wretched woman to live with, and maybe then I could be brave enough one day to remarry.” She fidgeted, uncomfortable with such vulnerability. She had never voiced her fears of remarrying before, and now with her worries floating around them for Ina to interpret however she wished, Hazel felt exposed.

  “You mustn’t think that. Soon you’ll be able to leave here if you wish and start life with a man or go back with your family. Either way, you’ll be able to leave this boardinghouse. The doors to your future are opening. Life is changing. Can you feel it?”

  Hazel’s hand froze in midair as she processed what her friend had said, well aware that she should feel nothing but happiness. Going home with her head high, walking through her parents’ front door. That was what she had wanted for such a long time. Then why did her stomach clench at the thought of leaving Amherst behind?

  “What I know is that we don’t return to Buffalo for another week. I have a journal to read and the very best friend living down the hall. The rest is out of my control. No, not the rest,” she said. Life had taught her that she could control how she faced each day. “I could not get out of my marriage to Nathaniel, so I chose to try and find happiness there. I could not shorten my sentence, so I chose to seek reformation. And so, in whatever lies ahead, I’ll try to control what I can. I shall take it one day at a time.”

  “It’ll be a good week. You’ll make it so,” Ina said. “I can feel it in the air.”

  “That’s snow you feel.” Hazel smiled at her friend.

  She shook her head. “No, it’s not just snow. It’s hope. We both have bright futures ahead.”

  Once alone, Hazel sat on her bed and opened Nathaniel’s old leather journal. The first entry was from two weeks before they ever met.

  I spent the early morning down at the docks with Father. I thought I might not like working with him, but I find the days enjoyable, and he’s a smart and good businessman.

  After our morning at the docks, we walked through the city together and I almost told Father how I felt about Joanna. It’s hard to speak feelings out loud, so I didn’t tell him but hope to soon. I’ve never been more comfortable around a woman than I am with her. I will wait until after her sister’s wedding to ask her for her hand.

  Hazel closed her eyes, unable to read another word, her chest heavy, weighed down by the reality of what she’d done. He’d been in love, happy, and then she came into his life. Kneeling beside her bed, she offered her heartache and regret once again heavenward, knowing retribution was out of reach.

  “Good morning,” Hazel said as she walked through the door of the dental office the next morning. “I thought I might blow away before I ever made it here.”


  “Hopefully this is just a passing storm.” Gilbert took her thin coat and hung it up. “With any luck, it’ll melt quickly.”

  “Has Eddie returned?” Hazel picked up the day’s schedule and busied herself looking at it, hoping her calm demeanor would mask the worry she felt whenever she dwelt on the rift she’d caused between Gilbert and his brother.

  “He was home before I arrived last night. He never told me how he got there.”

  She looked up from the paper she held. “Is he still upset?”

  “He’s angry, but I think that has to do with more than you.” He stepped near her. “He said he would go back to Buffalo and try to find out more about Patrick Harper. So at least we can still count on his help.”

  “That is good of him.” She took a deep breath. “Today will be a busy one at the office. The schedule is full.”

  “It’s a good thing the snow didn’t keep us trapped in Buffalo.”

  “I think half of Amherst would have been upset. This schedule is the busiest I’ve seen.” She shrugged. “Time passes faster when it’s full. We’ll be back in Buffalo in no time.”

  “I’m eager for it—for your sake.”

  “Only for my sake?”

  He touched a strand of her hair. “I’m a little worried for myself.”

  “You are?”

  “I’m afraid this week may be our last together.” He gestured around the dental office, and her eyes followed his movements. She’d come to love it all—the desks, the paintings, even the drill. “Me, you, patients, humming while you clean. I want you to be free. You deserve that. But I’m selfish, so I’m afraid that when you go, I’ll have a hole in my life that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fill.”

  “I’ve loved my time here.” She’d found a purpose within these walls that she’d never known before.

  He put a hand on her shoulder. “Well, Red, at least we have this week together. And I believe our first patient is headed this way. Let’s soak it all in.”

  “If I find time to scrub the floors today, I promise to hum while I clean.”

  “I’ll work extra fast so I can hear it.” He went to the front door, but before he opened it, he said, “Spend extra time with me this week?”

  “Yes.”

  That morning they pulled teeth and fitted a denture. During the first small lull of the day, Hazel filled her bucket with water and mopped the floors. She hummed as she scrubbed, and whenever she dared a glance in his direction, she saw him smiling back at her.

  “I didn’t realize I had a favorite sound. But now I know I do.”

  “Really?” she asked and then hummed a ridiculous tune that sounded more like a sick cat than something memorable and lovely. She struggled to keep a straight face. “How was that?”

  “That’s my favorite tune. How did you know?” Gilbert wore a playful smirk on his face.

  “It is not.” She stood up and threw a rag at him.

  “You didn’t.”

  “Oh, I did.” She reached for the rag again.

  He grabbed her around the waist. “No you don’t.”

  Laughing, she struggled to get away, giggling harder with the effort. Suddenly she froze and her eyes found his. The playfulness from moments before vanished, replaced by something stronger, deeper, and more exhilarating. Her heart beat wildly as she stood in his arms. Everything in her wanted to reach up and rest a hand on his cheek, but she held back, knowing that if all went well, she’d be at a crossroads. Toying with Gilbert would not do. She cared too much for him to sink into his embrace when she was so very uncertain about her future.

  “Hazel,” he whispered in a voice full of yearning, “I know you didn’t steal. It makes no difference to me if the law ever acknowledges it. You’ve told me your past, and it does not scare me that you used to walk on railings and flirt. I see it all, and I still want you. I care about who you are now. There’s no reason—”

  She squirmed in his arms, torn between breaking away and melting into them.

  He looked down at her, his eyes pleading. “If you’re willing, we could talk about lines and how they can change.”

  She bit her bottom lip but held his gaze.

  He moved his head closer, his lips enticing her to close the distance.

  “Gil,” she whispered, “I can’t. Not with Mathilda sick and your brother angry and so many unknowns. And seeing Nathaniel’s parents. I have so much to think about. After that . . . I can’t make any promises. It’d be unfair to you.”

  His eyes lost their fervor, but he nodded. “I’ll be content with listening to you hum all week. They are your lines to move.”

  “Thank you for understanding and . . .” She opened her mouth to say more but shut it again when the front door creaked. “That must be Diana Maas.”

  “The future can wait, but Diana will not,” he said before walking away from her.

  I met Joanna today by the large oak tree in the park. It is the spot I’d hoped to offer my hand in marriage, but today I met her there and broke her heart. I’ve never felt so cruel as I did watching her crumble into tears, knowing I could not comfort her.

  And now I am back with my wife. I’m a married man. Married to a woman I did not choose and have no affection for. Everyone knows Hazel Bradshaw is a beauty with conniving ways. Men who don’t know her long to be associated with her, but I never had such desires. Now I am to love and cherish her all the days of my life. I don’t know that I can keep my vows, which saddens me.

  Hazel shut the book and paced her small room. She wrung her hands together, sat back down, flipped several pages ahead, and read again.

  I spent the day at the Sally Belle. It docked last night, and I wanted to help Father get her unloaded. I think I’ll try to familiarize myself with the comings and goings so I can be an asset to the business. Things seem to run smoothly, but sometimes an eerie feeling comes over me and I believe something may be amiss. Most likely it is just nerves about being new and unfamiliar in my role there.

  I’ve been married a month now, and each day I accept my fate a little more. I no longer wake wondering why there’s a woman in my home. Her presence has worked itself comfortably into my daily life. She is not as overbearing as I had expected, and occasionally she is thoughtful and kind. My lot is cast and mine is to be a marriage of convenience, but I find it will not be the burden I originally feared.

  It was hardly a confession of love, but it offered Hazel some comfort. At least he’d found her to be a reasonable companion. She tucked the journal beneath her pillow and walked to Ina’s room to see how her visit with Duncan and Amy had gone.

  Ina greeted her warmly, excited to relay the evening’s events. “Amy was so happy to see me, and she gave me a picture she made.” Ina went to her desk and picked up a piece of paper. “See here? This is me and this is her, and she drew Duncan next to us.”

  “I love their little stick legs. And look, she drew you taller than Duncan!”

  “It’s a treasure,” Ina said, returning the masterpiece to the desk. “We had a perfect evening. Amy asked Duncan when she could come and live with him, and he said soon. Then he looked at me over her head and winked, and everything inside of me melted.”

  Hazel gasped. “I never would have guessed that Duncan would wink. That seems so out of character for him.”

  “I would have agreed with you at first, but he does little things like that now. I think he feels safe enough with me that he can have a little more fun. Do you feel that way with Gilbert? That time has shown you more of his personality and character?”

  “You and Duncan are courting. Everyone knows that. Gilbert and I are . . . well, we’re something else. But there are moments when I feel us becoming more friendly.” She thought of the rag she’d tossed at him and the way he’d held her in his strong arms and nearly kissed her. “He still holds back some.”

  “Probably because he’s waiting for permission.” Ina had a knack for simplifying things. “You told me yourself that you’d set boundar
ies and he’d promised to obey your every wish until you changed the rules.”

  “You’re right. I don’t deny it. I’ve set rules and questioned those rules and utterly confused the poor man.” She paused, contemplating it all. “Do you think I could make a man happy? After Nathaniel, I worry.”

  “I do,” Ina said with an earnest expression. “I think you could be happy too. I . . . I have to confess something. I feel silly now for not saying it at first.”

  “What is it?”

  “Duncan spoke to me about marrying him.”

  “I thought the wink was good news, but this is so much better. Why didn’t you tell me straightaway?”

  Ina flipped the end of her hair around in her hand. “I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say. I thought you’d think me a ninny for feeling confused. I care for Duncan. I love him.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “I’m scared of getting what I want and waking up to find it’s not as wonderful as I always dreamed it would be. My whole life I’ve had romantic notions, and now they’re coming true and I’m afraid of what it will really be like.” Ina kept her head lowered. “I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed or not know what to dream about next.”

  Hazel groaned, then giggled. “Why is it so hard for us to be happy? I worry about everything too.”

  “What do I do?”

  “I’m not the best person to ask for advice, but I believe if you love him, and I know you do, then you choose not to worry. You wake up each day and embrace your own story. And whatever the day holds, you make it wonderful. And the bad days you laugh about and put behind you. Besides, if you only ever dream, you’ll always wonder, and I can’t imagine that is a better way to live.” Hazel heard her own words and wondered if she’d ever be brave enough to follow them. “Love the life you’re given. There will be long days and hard days and days when you both wonder how you’ll ever come together and be one. But those days will only make the other days more magical.”