She slings her arm around me and kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry I doubted you. You’re a good friend. Violet is lucky to have you.”
My heart warms at her words, but I know I’m not the only lucky one; Vi would do anything for me too.
“You’re just happy I didn’t punch Julia, right?”
She mumbles something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like ‘she would have deserved it’, before ushering me out of the house.
“C’mon let’s go visit our friends and see if we can’t get me drunk enough to throw some eggs.”
God, I really do love my mother.
Violet
Present day
There’s one birthday in particular over the years that stands out to me more than any other. I was ten years old and I was finally allowed to have a party with the kids from my school.
Every birthday I’ve ever had has been celebrated fiercely by my family – I know it’s because no one’s ever been sure if I was going to get another one the following year, and I’m grateful for the attention, cake and ridiculous amount of gifts I received.
But if there was one thing I missed it was handing out invitations in class like all the other kids.
When I was younger I remember thinking that Mum and Dad were just being mean by not letting me have a big party every year like my classmates did, but now I realise it’s because they didn’t want me to be the kid that had no one turn up.
I missed a lot of school back then. Every time my class was hit with a bout of germs or bugs; it took me twice as long to get over it – sometimes when something was doing the rounds, Mum would pull me out and keep me at home as a precaution so there was no extra risk to my heart.
As a result of missing so much school, I didn’t make that many close friends. I had Lucy, of course, and she had friends who were nice to me, but I always felt like they were always Lucy’s friends, not mine.
Sometimes when I think back I wonder if I made it out to be something more than it was. Deciding that people don’t want to know me before they’ve been given a chance is something I’ve been doing my whole life.
I guess I’ll never know which of the two it was, but either way, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve never been the popular kid and now I’m past the point of caring about having a lot of friends – I’d rather have one good one than ten mediocre ones.
But this one particular year however, I must have been feeling brave, because I invited every single person in my class.
I doubt any of them can recall even one thing about my party, but I sure can… and maybe being brave is what I need to do more of, because, despite my worry, they all came. I laughed, had fun and felt normal… and back then, it was probably one of the best days of my life.
I smile at the memory as I sit here, in my hospital room on the day that I turn yet another year older, surrounded by the people I love the most in the world and I think about being brave like I was eleven years ago and vow that tomorrow I’ll try to be more courageous.
I stare at the flames and smile before blowing out the candles.
I might not have that much to be happy about this year – spending your twenty-second birthday in a hospital room isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. Spending Christmas wasn’t any better, but at least today I get to make a wish.
I don’t have to think long or hard about what to wish for this year.
I know exactly what I want and although it’s not a new heart I’m wishing for, at the same time I sort of am.
I’m being sneaky and trying to kill two birds with one stone.
I wish that I’ll get to meet the man with the blue eyes, and given that I’m not in the best of shape, I figure I’m going to have to get my new heart first… in fact, I’m counting on it.
I can’t see that fate would be cruel enough to save me then, only to take me now, but with every day that passes, I can feel my hopes slipping, and the slope feels far too steep for them to climb back up again.
There’s a light knock at my door and I look up from my book in surprise. Everyone has been gone a while now and I wasn’t expecting any more visitors.
Dr. White appears in the doorway looking fresh and bright eyed. She must be starting her nightshift.
“Come in.” I smile at her.
She’s not my regular cardiologist, but ever since she saved my life she’s sort of taken over the duties. I like her better than the grumpy old guy I got assigned after I switched from child to adult care, so I’m certainly not complaining, and it gives Dr. Ellis some breathing room from my mum – so I figure it’s a win for everyone involved.
“I bought you a present.”
I frown at her because frankly, I’m confused – she’s not holding anything and it’s certainly not normal for a doctor to be buying gifts for their patients.
“You can’t open it, but I think you’ll like it all the same.” She smiles as she walks towards me.
“Okay…”
I’m not sure where this conversation is heading, but I can’t help thinking back with hope to the wish I made only a few hours ago.
“You’re next on the list, Violet, if there’s a heart available within a four-hour window that’s compatible with you, it’s yours.”
I don’t want to cry, but I can feel it’s going to happen anyway.
This is a big development for me. I’m next. I’ve been waiting what feels like forever for this news.
I don’t know what to say. I’m at a total loss for words.
I hope to God that any people ahead of me have received hearts and not passed away instead. I consider asking her but think better of it. I won’t sleep well tonight as it is. I don’t need to be brewing up new worries to concern myself with at two in the morning.
“It’s my turn?” I croak. My voice has momentarily got caught in my throat.
“That’s right.”
I know I’ve got a real chance now. The possibility that I’ll get to live outside of this hospital room and be free of all these wires and tubes is suddenly so much more real.
I know there’s still a lot of factors that have to fall into place, and a ton of criteria that needs to be met in order for me to actually get a heart, but it’s one step closer and that’s the best I can hope for right now.
Just one step at a time…
I’m well aware that I’ve probably been bumped up a few places on the list. My condition is deteriorating and we all know it – It’s no secret that I can’t stay on this machine forever… and my time is running out.
“You know, Violet.” She sits down on the end of my bed as she speaks. “I’ve seen a lot of patients in my eight years here, but I’ve never met one with quite as much spirit as you’ve got. I’ve got a good feeling about you – I know better than to make promises, but I really do think we’ll find you the heart you need.”
I know she doesn’t say this to all her patients, so I’m grateful she’s here saying it to me. She’s a lovely woman and I know I’m lucky to have her on my side.
“It’s the universal recipient blood type that’s got you so convinced, isn’t it?” I tease, referring to the conversation we had all those years ago. I doubt she’ll remember, but she smiles at me and winks like it’s our own little private joke.
She stands up and heads for the door. “The blood type certainly won’t hurt, but it’s more than that… you’re destined for great things, Violet. We can all see it.”
She leaves me alone in the room contemplating her words. She’s not as black and white in her thinking as the other doctors. She allows a bit more of her personality to shine through – and she’s optimistic, which is something I think others in her field are afraid to be.
She’s exactly what I need to keep my spirits up.
There’s so much I want to do with my life. I’ve tried not to dwell on it too much during this hospital stay because I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually make it out of here alive, but I know I need to stop thinking like that. I’ll ne
ver make it through if I have nothing to strive for.
I’m filled with hopes, dreams and aspirations for myself and it’s time I allowed myself to believe I have the potential to achieve every single one of them.
There’s only one thing I can think of doing now that will soothe my soul, and that’s painting.
I’ve never loved my brother as much as I did when I saw him coming through my door carrying some of my art supplies.
I wasn’t even a little bit mad at him for getting into my studio, I was just grateful.
Grateful that he cared enough to do this for me, and in awe that he knows me well enough to see I was struggling big time without my outlet.
I buzz for the nurse and have her set me up with a fresh sheet of paper, and sit all of my paints close enough for me to reach.
I should probably be sleeping seeing as I’m going onto the external VAD tomorrow, and I don’t know how that’s going to feel, but I’m strangely keyed up.
I’ve got all sorts of feelings bustling through my mind and body, and the only way I know how to deal with that is to put a brush to paper.
So that’s what I do.
I pour my heart and soul into my work – the same way I always have. It’s the only way I know to rid my mind and body of thoughts and feelings.
Some people talk, others write… and me… I paint.
Hours later, when I finally set down the brush in my hand and it’s well and truly dark outside, I decide that this one I’ll call ‘opportunity’.
Violet
Present day
There’s a certain vibe in the ward today that I can’t seem to put my finger on. It’s a bit like hope laced with an air of despair.
I don’t know what to make of it, or what it means, but I feel it.
It’s got me so on edge I can’t do anything even remotely constructive.
I can’t focus on my book, I can’t sleep, and the TV show that’s been on for the past half hour may as well be in Japanese for all I’ve understood of it.
There’s a saying, where if someone is talking about you, your ears burn…
Well, that’s how this feels.
My ears are figuratively burning hot right now.
I just know I’m being talked about.
Nurses and doctors I’ve never seen before have been popping into my room, checking my chart, and asking me somewhat strange questions.
No one has brought me any food this morning, and even though I’m not eating much at the moment, I’m still curious as to why.
The only thing keeping me from losing my shit entirely is the fact Mum will be here in a few minutes, like she is every other morning, and I know she’ll straighten this out for me.
There’s probably nothing at all going on, I’ve probably dreamed the whole thing up – I’ve always assumed people were talking about me and judging me, but lately it’s been worse than ever. I swear it’s being in this place for so long that has made me so paranoid.
I lean to the side, trying to watch what’s happening outside my window. I’m not sure why I’m bothering, I don’t know what I expect to see. They’re hardly going to be putting up a big neon sign that flashes the word ‘dying’ outside of my door.
I’m not even being dramatic this time. I know things are getting bad for me, I look like absolute crap and my oxygen saturation levels are dropping lower and lower by the day. I’m tired all the time, yet I never seem to be able to get any restful sleep.
Maybe that’s what this is – maybe I’m really going to die soon.
Rationally, I know that they’re not just going to leave me here to die – we had a plan… if a heart didn’t come in time, I’d have to get the long-term VAD. The only thing I can think of is that they’ve left it too long – that perhaps I’m not strong enough for plan B anymore. Maybe that ship has sailed.
I can see one of the regular nurses, Jackie, out at the nurse’s station, she’s got her back to me, but when she turns, it’s plain as day that she’s been crying.
It’s not just a stray tear or two either, it’s big, fat, ugly ones and her eyes are so red and puffy I’m not sure she’ll even be able to see the computer screen in front of her.
I’m still staring at the upset woman when my mum breezes into the room, but I don’t so much as glance at her. I can’t pull my eyes from the tear-stained cheeks of the middle-aged nurse who has been so kind to me these past months.
I assume it’s me she’s crying over – that I’m dying, and she’s upset.
This is what I’ve always been afraid of – the amount of people I’ll take down with me when I go… it’s the ticking time bomb feeling all over again.
Mum is rambling about something so unimportant that I can’t even make sense of it.
“Violet!” she calls loudly.
I snap out of my trance and turn so I’m looking directly at her.
She glances between my face and the window I was looking out of. “What on earth is going on?”
“I’m dying, Mum, that’s what’s going on.”
I can hear Mum. She’s not yelling, but her voice is right on the cusp of it. She’s talking loudly, and her tone has that slight element of terror that gives the distinct impression that she’s anything but pleased.
“My daughter is in there, worried that she’s about to die, for crying out loud. Why is everybody bawling out here?”
I can’t hear the reply of the man she’s talking to – he’s one of the nurses who has been into my room this morning that I don’t recognise.
It’s unnerving to say the least.
A whole bunch of random medical professionals coming in and out of my room can’t mean anything good.
I don’t know what he’s said to my mum, but she’s talking again, only this time she’s deadly quiet.
That’s when I know for sure.
My time’s up.
I thought it’d feel different, I thought I’d know that the end was near, but I don’t… I feel no different today than I did yesterday, or the day before that, for that matter.
I’ve been in here so long; one day is just blending into the next.
I can see the distinct difference between the day I was brought in, and now. But I was expecting something more sudden. Cardiac arrest felt a hell of a lot more like dying than this does.
I pick up my phone, about to text Lucy to let her know she needs to get in here as soon as she can, when I catch sight of my mum walking back through the door.
She’s got tears in her eyes and I feel my heart sink further.
It’s not until I see the smile on her lips that I release the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding.
Leanne
Present day
They’ve found her a heart.
I’ve still got no idea what half the nurses were crying about out there, but I don’t care anymore – they’ve found my baby a heart and it’s the best news I’ve ever heard.
I know that a transplant isn’t a foolproof solution, and that there’s a huge risk to any surgery, let alone open heart, but this is the best option we have left. She’s made it through so many of these types of operations, I know she can do it again.
Violet is deteriorating before my very eyes and there’s only so long she can hold on for. It’s been hard to watch her like this, but now I think I finally understand her decision – I can see why she wanted to take a chance.
This will completely change her life.
She needs this heart more than anyone else in the whole country and she’s finally going to get it.
I know I shouldn’t feel so entirely elated – someone, somewhere, is probably having the worst day of their life right now. They’ll be preparing to say goodbye to a loved one.
I know it probably makes me a selfish, horrible person, but I’m so grateful that it’s not me who is having to say goodbye.
I hope that family out there can find some type of comfort in knowing that the person they cared about is going to save others –
I hope the knowledge of this gift can bring them a little bit of peace.
I’m so grateful that this person, whoever they are, decided to be a donor. There’s a lot of people out there who aren’t and that’s something I’ll never understand.
I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea that when you’re dead – you’re dead.
Yes, I believe there’s something more out there… some type of afterlife, but you don’t need your body for that. You don’t need to take a perfectly good heart or set of lungs deep down in the earth in order to move on from this life.
There’s thousands and thousands of people on waiting lists for organs in this country and only so few people willing to donate something they no longer have use for. The concept truly blows my mind.
I understand it’s probably the first-hand experience we’ve had with recipients that’s made me see this in such a black and white fashion – but I can’t imagine ever denying someone the chance to live after I was already gone.
“Mum?”
Violet is looking at me in bewilderment and it’s then I realise that although my mind is going a mile a minute, I still haven’t said a word out loud.
“They’re coming in to see you now.”
She’s about to demand answers from me, I can see it in her eyes, but she’s going to have to wait, because they’re already here – time is of the essence now, when that heart gets here, they have to be ready for it.
Dr. Ellis, two nurses and a cardiologist whose name I can’t recall stand before us.
“What’s going on?” Violet whispers.
She’s terrified; I can smell her fear from here, but finally this time it’s good news.
Dr. Ellis gives her a smile and just nods her head.
“Are you… are you saying?” Violet stutters, disbelief thick in her voice.
“I am,” she confirms. “We found you a heart.”
Violet
Present day
My Heart Needs (The Heart Duet Book 1) Page 13