Rachel Lindsay - Unwanted Wife

by Rachel Lindsay

  "Yes," she said, puzzled, "but what has that to do with-"

  "Well, Diana was little Lady Fauntleroy. She had a governess but sometimes she'd give her the slip and come around to my house. My God, that must have been slumming for her!"

  "You make it sound as if you do not see her any more?"

  "I don't. Haven't done for years. I won a scholarship to university and she went off to finishing school. We rarely met after that." He crumpled his napkin. "When are they getting married?"

  "I don't know." She fumbled for her compact and made a pretense of powdering her face. "I would like to go home, Roger. I have a headache."

  "Don't let those two send you away," he said roughly.

  "It has nothing to do with them. My headache is real."

  At once he signaled for their bill, then holding her lightly by the arm he led her to the exit. They had to pass Adrian's table and he half rose from his seat as they did so, though Diana gave Tanya such an unexpected look of dislike that she was startled.

  "She does not like to see us together," she murmured as they drove away from the roadhouse.

  "Perhaps she doesn't think it right for a nanny to dine in the same place as herself," Roger remarked.

  "I'm sure that isn't the reason."

  "Then maybe she's jealous in case Adrian fancies you."

  "Don't say that!" Angrily Tanya swung round in her seat.

  "Why not? You're beautiful and Adrian's a man."

  "He's also engaged to Diana."

  Roger looked rueful. "You're right. You always are. Forget what I said, will you?"

  She nodded but remained tense until they drew to a stop outside Park Gates. Ignoring her protest that he should not get out of the car, he came around to open the door for her, then walked with her to the front door.

  "Will you let me see you again, Tanya?"

  "Only if we don't talk about—-"

  "Adrian?" he finished for her. "I give you my promise."

  "Then I will see you again."

  Swiftly she went into the house, pausing in the hall until she heard him drive away. Only then did she slip through the drawing room and into the garden. She was too overwrought to sleep and made her way to her favorite spot by the lily pond. The moon made phosphorescent ripples on the surface and outlined the pale lilies with silver. How lovely it was here. How peaceful. If only her life was the same. For a long while she remained by the water, then finally returned to the house, knowing that true peace would never be hers until she left Park Gates.

  It was only as she went into the hall that she noticed a light shining under the library door and guessed Adrian was home. Her heart began to pound and keeping her steps light, she hurried to the stairs. But as her foot reached the bottom step the library door opened, and she heard him call her name.

  Slowly she turned. He was framed in the doorway, looking as composed as he always did. Yet not quite. As he moved forward a step she saw that his hair was ruffled, as if he had disturbed it with his hands. His expression too was disturbed: the muscles taut at the sides of his mouth, his jaw looking more aggressive because of it.

  "Come into the library, please. I want to talk to you."

  Nervously she walked past him into the library. He closed the door, then leaned against it, staring at her in a silence that seemed interminable. But she stood her ground and stared back at him, determined not to speak first.

  "How long have you known Roger Poulton?" he asked finally.

  "A couple of weeks."

  "Have you been out with him before?"

  "I've met him a few times with the children but tonight was the first time I've been out with him alone."

  "Have you forgotten who he is?"

  "No."

  "Then why the hell did you go out with him? You know damn well he's my opponent."

  The strength of his anger gave her a momentary elation, before quickly fading as she reminded herself he was only angry because Roger was his political rival. It had nothing to do with his emotions.

  "Why shouldn't I go out with him?" she asked. "I'm living here as your sister's nanny, and what I do in my free time has nothing to do with you."

  "You were once my wife," he said curtly. "Technically you still are. If that doesn't mean anything to you then…"

  "To me?" she cried in astonishment. "I'm the one who came to England to find you. You were the one who turned me away."

  "I didn't turn you away."

  "You are not being honest with your words," she cried. "If it hadn't been for your all-important election you'd have sent me away immediately. But instead you begged me to stay. You never stopped to consider how I would feel about it. All that mattered to you was your career."

  "I didn't realize that staying in my home was such a hardship for you," he said quietly.

  "Then you're a fool!" Wildly she rushed to the door, knowing that if she stayed here any longer she would say something she would regret. But as her fingers fumbled on the handle, Adrian twisted her around to face him.

  "You can't go like this. I didn't mean to hurt you. I never have. But neither of us is to blame for what has happened."

  "I do not blame you for the past." Tears poured down her cheeks. "Only for the way you behave now. I want to get out of your life. I want to build my own future."

  Her voice choked and she was unable to continue. Her tears flowed faster and she put her hands to her eyes. It was a childlike gesture that seemed to be his undoing, for with a murmur he pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair.

  "Don't cry, Tanya. Please don't cry."

  His voice was the gentle one she remembered in her dreams; the voice that had whispered words of love when they had lain together and sworn never to kiss, never to touch, never to belong to anyone else. She knew she should pull away from him, that to stay close was to warm herself against a fire that could burn into her soul. But she did not have the willpower to move. She was being held by the man she loved and, if nothing else, it would give her a newer memory to cherish.

  "I wish things had been different," he said thickly. "I've tried to forget the past—it was the only way I could go on—but since you came back into my life…"

  Trembling, he began to kiss her. His lips were firm but as they touched hers, they seemed to melt and fuse upon her. There was no strangeness in his hold, no strangeness in the smell of him or the murmuring voice that whispered her name over and over, as if it were a benediction. The years of their separation dissolved as though they had never been and remembered response was fired by remembered response as mounting passion drew them close.

  His hands moved down her back to clasp her close and pull her body hard against the hardness of his. "Tanya… I want you."

  His words found an echo in her heart and her hands cradled his neck, her fingers twining themselves in his silky brown hair. Her lips parted and his tongue gently searched, probing further as she put up no resistance. It was as if they had made love to one another every night, so instantaneous was their mutual need. His mouth knew how to arouse her; his hands knew where to explore and though she tried to hold herself aloof from him, a deep familiar languor was pervading her limbs.

  From the time Adrian had kissed her goodbye at the airport eight years ago, Tanya had allowed no man to touch her. Night after night she had lain in her virginal bed, where she had lain as a child, and remembered the brief rhapsody of her marriage, knowing that until she was reunited with the man she loved, she would remain alone. As the years passed, she had wondered what her reactions would be when she was finally with him again, and had often been afraid that desire, for so long dormant, would take time to be reawakened.

  But no time had been needed. The moment she had felt Adrian's body she had wanted him; had known that without him she was a clock without hands, a waterfall without water, a sea without a shore. Yet Adrian could never be her shore. In his arms she could find no harbor in which to rest. He belonged to another woman and to let him go on holding her was to usur
p that other woman's place. The gall of rejection soured her desire, eating away the delicate tissue of love and giving her the strength to push him away.

  "How can you?" she cried. "I'm not a doll you can pick up and kiss whenever the fancy takes you! I'm a woman, Adrian, and I want love—not lust. If you're so desperate to be satisfied, you should go to Diana!"

  "Tanya, I—-"

  Without waiting to hear more, she rushed from the room. Only when she reached the top of the stairs did she pause and glance back. But if she had expected to see Adrian coming after her, she was disappointed, for the hall was in darkness and the door of the library was closed. He had listened to her words and had taken them to heart. It was a good thing he had been unable to hear her heart itself, for if he had, they would not be apart now. But this was the way it had to be, and to pretend otherwise was to live in a fool's paradise.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  For a long while after Tanya had run from the room, Adrian remained there bereft of all feeling. But gradually emotion returned; not the desire which had caused him to lose his self-control but a deep sense of shame that he should have behaved the way he had done.

  No wonder Tanya had been angry. But it was nothing to the anger he felt toward himself. For an instant he debated whether to go after her and make some kind of apology, but then decided against it. They were both in too emotional a state for him to run the risk of igniting the passion that had flared so dangerously between them.

  He went around the side of his desk and sat down in his chair. For the first time in years he did not feel in command of himself. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and he did not like it. But then there was a great deal he did not like about the situation he was in; a great deal he did not like about himself. That was the crux of it. It was his own behavior which he found so unsavory.

  Yet when he had asked Tanya to remain here it had not seemed so wrong. It was only now—seeing his request through her eyes—that he realized that to expect a woman who loved him—who had traveled halfway across Europe in search of him—to remain in his home when she knew he was going to marry someone else, had been the height of cruelty.

  Was he so ambitious to further his career that he could ride roughshod over other people's feelings? He had never used to be that way. The young man who had married Tanya would never have put business achievement before personal contentment. But then, once he had left Rovnia he had not known contentment for a long time. It had only been in the past six months that he had again come near to finding a sense of peace. But it was a peace which Tanya's arrival had shattered. A peace that would not be restored even after she had gone.

  Yes, that was the unpalatable truth and he might as well face it. Even when Tanya left here he would never forget her. With an angry mutter he pushed back his chair and went to stand at the window. The lawns were drenched in moonlight and the muted color of the landscape helped to dim the painful vividness of his thoughts. If only he could put back the clock! But how far would he want to push it? To the time when Tanya had first come here or to the time when he had first met her? And did he wish that they had never met? Remembering her sweetness, the pliant young body that had responded so ardently to him, he knew the answer to that.

  He banged his clenched fist on the window ledge. The sound disturbed some birds nesting in the creepers that clung to the gray stone walls outside, and there was a soft twitter, almost of disapproval. With a sigh he moved away from the window. Because he could not find peace for himself, did not give him the right to disturb the peace of other creatures. Musing on the whimsicality of his thoughts he switched off the light and went to his room.

  But here was no peace either, for it was all too easy to envisage Tanya sleeping a few yards away from him, her long hair unwound from its confining coil and spread around her like a golden cobweb. How he had loved to twine the strands around his body; to ensnare himself visibly as he had begun to ensnare her physically. Yes, they had both been prisoners of their love, never believing there would come a time when they would want to escape. But Tanya hadn't wanted to escape. Through the years of their separation she had gone on loving him. The knowledge had made him hate himself for letting her down, yet tonight—when he had seen her with Roger and should have been pleased that she was making other friends—he had found himself gripped with jealousy. Yet how could he be jealous of one woman when he had pledged himself to another? Was man so possessive that he always wanted to retain what he had once had? It was a disquieting thought but it had to be faced. He tried to think of Tanya objectively but found it impossible; the girl of the past and the girl of the present had blurred into one image.

  Restlessly he switched on his light. It was better to read than to try to court sleep that would not come, or to remain in the darkness with thoughts that were better left in his subconscious. Right now he had a political fight on his hands and must give it all his energies. There would be time to think of his personal life when victory was his victory. What a hollow word it was. With another sigh he concentrated firmly on the text in front of him.

  For the rest of the week Adrian and Tanya did their best to avoid each other. She continued to have her meals in the nursery and only came down to the dining room for Sunday lunch. No reference was made to Roger and it was not until she inadvertently bumped into Diana, who had come over to tea, that the subject was mentioned.

  "I've been wanting a chance to talk to you," Diana said, coming toward her across the hall. "It's about Roger Poulton."

  "I do not wish to discuss him," Tanya replied. "He is my friend and I have every intention of seeing him! Nor do I believe that he will harm Adrian."

  "Of course he won't harm Adrian," Diana stated. "But it isn't Adrian I'm thinking of. It's you."

  "Me?"

  "Yes. Roger could hurt you. All he's concerned with is getting to the top as fast as he can. He isn't interested in anything else."

  "Like Adrian."

  "Not at all like Adrian. There's a world of difference between them. If you can't see that for yourself, there's no point talking about it!"

  Heels clicked sharply across the parquet floor, the library door slammed and once again Tanya was alone. Puzzled, she went to her room. Diana had no reason to like her and no reason to mind whether or not Roger hurt her. That being the case, why should she concern herself about their friendship?

  It was a question that remained with her for the rest of the afternoon, and only when she went in search of the children at teatime was she able to put it into the back of her mind.

  "I thought I told you to have the rest of the day off," Betty said as Tanya came into the nursery.

  "I enjoy being with the children," Tanya smiled. "It gives me something to do."

  "Me too. I get bored doing nothing."

  "You should be running your own home." Tanya put her hand to her mouth, dismayed by her frankness. "Forgive me. I had no right to say that."

  "It's true."

  "But you do not like keeping house."

  "What makes you say that? Because I don't do it?" Betty looked whimsical. "Mother would have a fit if I did anything around here. She'd say I was usurping the staff's position."

  "Then move," Tanya said, "and have your own position."

  "That's what Dick says. But I've got into a rut here and have let things slide. You should keep nagging me. Then I may do something about it."

  "I do not like to nag you, "Tanya said seriously.

  "I don't see why not. You're the nearest thing to a sister I've ever had and—" Betty stopped, dismayed, as she saw Tanya's eyes fill with tears. "Oh Lord, I didn't mean to make you cry."

  "I'm not crying because I'm sad." Tanya fumbled for her handkerchief and pressed it to her eyes. "But it's the nicest thing anyone has said to me since I came to England."

  Betty put an arm around Tanya's shoulders, glancing quickly at Emma and Tim who were watching the scene wide-eyed.

  "Let's go into the other room a minute, Tanya. The kids can play by the
mselves."

  Gratefully Tanya went into the night nursery and perched on Emma's bed while Betty leaned against the side of it and watched her.

  "You weren't really crying because of what I said. Something else has upset you, hasn't it? "

  "In a way. I'm being silly about it but…"

  "Is it to do with Roger Poulton?"

  Tanya nodded. "Everyone says it is wrong for me to go on seeing him."

  "I haven't said so."

  "But you think it?"

  "No. I don't. You'd never tell Roger anything that might harm Adrian, nor would Roger expect you to. Personally, I think you're at liberty to go out with him every night of the week if that's what you wish. Don't let my family sit on you, Tanya. We can be a domineering lot if we're given the chance!"

  "I still feel I'm being disloyal," Tanya confessed. "If Adrian had not—not lost his temper when he spoke to me about Roger, I would have agreed to do as he wished."

  "Thank goodness you didn't. He's far too used to getting his own way. You're only his wife because of a legal technicality, you know. You should remember that." Seeing surprise in the violet eyes, Betty shrugged. "I'm not being a disloyal sister. I'm trying to be honest."

  "You are very good and kind." In an unusual burst of emotion Tanya jumped up and kissed Betty on the cheek, then stepped back quickly as she saw the English girl blush. "Now I will bathe the children and leave you to read them their bedtime story."

  "Only if you promise to come to the cinema with Dick and myself this evening. I'm not having you moping around any longer."

  Tanya nodded and turned to swallow the lump in her throat. Since her last quarrel with Adrian her emotions were raw, and anger—or kindness—could equally be her undoing.

  "I would like that," she said huskily. "It helps to improve my English."

  She was in her bedroom changing when there was a call from Roger. Reluctant to take it in the hall in case she should see Adrian, she went into Betty's private apartment.

  "You sound miles away," Roger commented as her voice came over the line.