In an Instant

by Adrienne Torrisi

  “Then why does it feel so wrong? Mel hates us both, and if Marcus were here, he probably would, too. He was just on a high from the win that night.”

  “No.” Jake shakes his head with a smile. “Don’t you see that’s not true? Mel just needs time, but Marcus knew that night. He knew, and he still swapped with you. What does that tell you?”

  His words slam into my chest. He knew. I never thought that was a possibility. He knew when we switched seats. It was like his way of supporting it—us.

  Jake’s words melt over me. I start to tremble as I absorb them.

  “I don’t know. I just need time, Jake,” I whisper. It feels wrong to leave Marcus’s funeral and then be with Jake. It would be wrong to walk down the hallway at school with Jake, to kiss him in front of Marcus’s locker. It feels wrong even if it’s what I want.

  “I know,” Jake returns my whisper. His eyes are locked on mine as he uses his thumbs to wipe my cheeks that I’m sure are streaked with so much mascara at this point it’s humiliating. “Hey, there’s one more thing.”

  “I’m not sure I can handle anything else at the moment.” I try to force a smile.

  “I know you’re nervous about the game.” He continues to run his thumbs across my cheeks. “I kind of love that you are.” He gives me a smile, revealing his deep dimples. “But I have to play.”

  I place my hand over his that’s still resting on my cheek. “I know.” I tell him, making sure to take in every inch of him. I need to remember this moment just in case it’s our last one. I need to remember every detail: his smile, his dimples, his gorgeous eyes and the love that they are filled with for me.

  No matter what happens, I know this is what he has to do. Playing is like breathing for him, and if he didn’t play, he would never be able to live with himself. He needs this, but I need him, even if I can’t admit that out loud yet. Instead, I say a silent prayer that nothing will happen to him. I couldn’t handle that. Whether we are together or not, I cannot handle losing anyone else I love.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Bus to State

  I’m on the bus with the rest of the squad on our way to state. I’m grateful for my noise canceling headphones as I drown myself in music in order to avoid the reality surrounding me.

  The bus rides were always one of the best parts of being a cheerleader—time with the girls, secrets that were only shared in the safe zone of the bus. I have never laughed harder than on bus rides to and from games. That is one more thing that will never be the same.

  The game is two hours away, and I’m already planning to sit here in silence, stewing in memories, instead of participating in real life. The rest of the girls are hyena-type laughing at something in the back of the bus.

  There is a loud thump as someone lands in the seat next to me. I look over to see Em. She’s laughing about something as she gestures for me to take out my earbuds.

  “Come on, D. Come back there with us.” I know she means well, but I also know I can’t.

  Most of the girls don’t know the truth. They think I’m up in the front, alienating myself from the fun because of Marcus, so they don’t bother me out of respect. In reality, however, I can’t bring myself to face Mel. I know she doesn’t want me back there, and for once, I need to respect her wishes.

  “Thanks, Em, but I can’t.”

  She gives me a flat smile with a shrug. “I miss you,” she whispers. “Are you okay?” she asks with such sincerity. I know she’s a good friend, though her loyalty is to Mel.

  I squeeze my lips together to try to avoid revealing my actual feelings. Instead, I nod. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I say what she needs to hear and return her sweet smile. Then I put my earbuds back in, giving her permission to go back to the excitement.

  I turn the music up to drown out the rest of the world. The only problem is this is a playlist Marcus made me. He would always take my phone and make the greatest playlists. Half of the time, I didn’t know he was doing it. Then they would pop up and surprise me whenever I was going through my music. I’d find hidden gems all the time. He had a gift for stringing the perfect songs together and giving them the best titles.

  I run my fingers over the screen where his words are staring back at me. I Love Turkey. This was my thanksgiving mix. It makes me laugh. They are all songs that express things we should be thankful for. “I Like Big Butts” by Sir-Mix-A-Lot is currently playing. Marcus was amazing at always throwing in hilarious, old school throwbacks.

  “Always” by I Fight Dragons comes on next, and my eyes instantly glaze over with tears. Thankfully, I’m alone in my seat, so I quickly wipe them away, but they keep coming, faster than my hands can wipe them away.

  The lyrics remind me of Marcus, and they also make me think of Jake.

  My stomach flips over with nerves. I cannot get sick on this bus. Throwing up seems to be my reaction whenever I think about either of them. I can’t seem to bring myself to eat lately, and when I do, it generally comes back up anyway, thanks to all the stress and nerves.

  I don’t want Jake to play today. I have a really bad feeling, but I need to push it away, knowing it’s out of my control.

  One of Marcus’s favorite songs comes on, “We Don’t Believe What’s On TV” by Twenty One Pilots. My heart starts to palpitate, my throat constricts, and I can’t catch my breath. Every song reminds me of Marcus. We listened to this mix together all the time, sharing earbuds. I need to calm down.

  Pull yourself together.

  I start to concentrate on breathing, which seems to be the only thing that can calm me down these days.

  In, out. In, out. Focus on that. Only that.

  I begin to regain control. I’m so conflicted by both the past and the present. There is so much love yet also so much sadness that it’s hard to see past it.

  The seat next to me dips again, and I quickly wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand as I turn, expecting to see Hanna or Em, the only two brave enough to approach me. Instead, it’s Coach McCann.

  “Coach.” I say, trying to hide that I’m an emotional mess.

  “Conner,” she says as her eyes scan me. No one calls me by my last name except Coach. “How you doing?” Her expression tells me she cares, though she’s masking it with her rough exterior.

  You don’t mess with Coach McCann; she’s no nonsense. Always. She runs a tight ship. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a real conversation with her.

  “I’m good,” I answer, the same response I give everyone.

  “Conner, I have eyes.” She raises her eyebrows.

  Shit.

  I start to study the seat in front of me. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” I’m not used to adults caring.

  She places her hand on my shoulder. “You can start with the truth.”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I haven’t really talked about anything to anyone other than Jake. Where do I even begin?

  “It’s complicated,” I respond with my eyes still locked on the green stretched pleather making up the seat back in front of me.

  “I’ve got two hours to kill.” She smiles. “Listen, Marcus was a hell of a kid and player, and I know you were close. I lost a good friend once. I know the pain is unimaginable, but it gets easier with time. It doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget, but it gets easier to remember all the good. You’ve just gotta hang in there.”

  She squeezes my shoulder as she continues, “You can’t shut yourself off from life, from feeling. That’s not what he would want. This game is going to be tough for everyone, but try to enjoy it as if he were out there, because I believe he is. He will be. If anything, let this tragedy help you embrace each moment, not run away from it.”

  She smiles as she pats my leg. “I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing. Just try to remember to enjoy this moment. Embrace life for him; don’t run away from it because of him.” My eyes lock with hers. “He wouldn’t want that.” She gives me a smile then pulls herself up to rejoin the assistant co
aches at the front of the bus.

  Her words seep into me. She doesn’t know the full story. Regardless, what she said resonates in a way it never has before, and I remember what Jake said: he knew, and he still swapped.

  No matter what, Marcus would want me to be happy. He would want Jake to be happy. Most of all, he would want this win, and he would want Jake to play to get it.

  I feel at peace for once … with everything. I always respected Coach, but I never thought she would be able to help me through this. She is right; I have to stop running. I need to start feeling, no matter how scary it is.

  Chapter Nineteen

  State

  As our bus pulls up to the arena, Hanna grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Here we go.” Her smile mirrors my feelings—excitement mixed with nerves and deep sadness.

  The players’ bus is right in front of ours, so we let them get off first and watch as they walk to the locker room. They are all wearing warmups and headphones. No one is talking. It’s clear they are already in deep concentration. It’s always the same before a game. They are in the zone.

  Talking to Jake now would be impossible, so I won’t be able to tell him my epiphany until after the game.

  Once the team is in their locker room, it’s our turn to depart the bus. With the game in two hours, we need to get dressed, so we head straight to the girls’ locker room.

  I know it sounds crazy, but I feel Marcus. He’s here. I breathe him in while we walk toward the arena.

  We are entering this building for the last time as students. There are so many unknowns, but when we leave, it will all be decided. One team will win, and one team will lose. This is it—state—and it’s our senior year. This game is what our team has worked so hard for all year. It’s the pinnacle of our last four years, and we won the last three.

  Marcus should be playing. He should be on that court today. He earned this. He won the last game for the team, and then life changed forever. His. Ours. We need this win for him. I couldn’t really see it before, but now that we are here, I see it from Jake’s point of view. We need this win.

  I keep repeating Coach’s words, Embrace it for Marcus. We need to make the most of this for him.

  ***

  We are finally on the court, and both teams are warming up. This past hour and a half flew by. It was as if all was forgiven, at least while we were in the locker room. Mel almost acknowledged my presence.

  Embrace it.

  The boys pull off their warmup shirts, and I see it on Dax’s jersey first. My eyes quickly scan the rest of the team, and there on the left side, closest to their hearts, is a black patch with Marcus’s initials and his number: 11. My eyes instantly mist over.

  Embrace it, I repeat to myself, though I can’t keep my tears in. I’m so overwhelmed by the love and the loss the team has experienced. It’s such a deep wound.

  It’s obvious, even in warmups, what Nate said is true. Marcus was the heart of the team.

  “Dani,” I hear my name from behind and immediately know who it is. I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Pretty cool, huh?”

  As soon as I turn around, my eyes land on Luke. Seeing him is eerily beautiful and devastating at the same time. He looks so much like Marcus—the deep black hair, the intense blue eyes.

  I pull myself out of my Marcus induced haze for one second and realize, if being here and seeing this tribute is hard for me, it’s even more difficult for Luke.

  “How are you?” I ask while studying him. He looks better than he did at the funeral; there is some life back in his eyes.

  His gaze shifts to his shoes, “It’s not easy, you know. But I needed to be here for Marc.” Then his eyes come back up to meet mine. They are piercing, partly because of how blue they are, but mostly because they are exact replicas of Marcus’s. “And I wanted to be here for you.”

  “Me?” I say, guilt quickly swarming over me. His brother thinks I need support.

  I am the worst human ever.

  “Yeah.” He looks up at the warmup clock. There are ten minutes left before the game starts. “Can you talk for a second?” His arm touches mine as he gestures to the side of the bleacher section.

  I glance over at my coach whose eyes are already locked on us, and she nods her approval. She knows exactly who Luke is since it was just last year he was a student at our school.

  As we walk over to a more private area, I prepare myself to lie, to once again give the performance I did at Marcus’s funeral. I am the grieving girlfriend. I need to hide the fact that I’m the grieving girlfriend who was cheating on his brother with his best friend.

  Luke’s eyes leave mine and shift to Jake who is in the middle of warmups. “I know, Dani,” he says with his eyes still locked on Jake.

  “What?” I ask, totally blindsided. This is the last thing I expected him to say. Ever.

  “He talked to me.”

  “Who?” I ask, following his gaze. “Jake?”

  Luke shakes his head, his eyes coming back to mine. “No. Marcus.”

  “What?” None of this makes sense.

  My head starts to spin. The side effects from my concussion have been cleared up for a while, but it feels as if I’m right back in the hospital. I know this feeling. I’m going to pass out.

  I grab the railing on the side of the risers for support. Luke doesn’t miss it, and he reaches out to help steady me as he continues.

  “Marcus talked to me about everything … before,” he says, as if I need clarification that there is no after.

  I just nod, implying I understand, even though I don’t. However, I need him to keep talking.

  “He knew, Dani, about Jake.” Luke lowers his voice, which I appreciate.

  “He knew before that night?” I whisper to myself, trying to make sense of it.

  “What?” Luke leans closer to me. It’s getting loud and harder to hear. The closer the warmup countdown clock gets to game time, the louder the crowd volume is getting as people find their seats.

  “Nothing,” I say quickly, silently begging him to keep going with my raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

  “Come on, Dani; we all knew how Jake felt about you when we were kids.” He gently brushes his fingers across my elbow. I didn’t even realize my arms were protectively crossed against my chest until he brushed against them. It’s as though they are shielding me from his words.

  I glance back at the court to see Jake going in for a layup. He doesn’t wince at all. There is no reaction. They must have already given him the shot he told me about that will help block the pain for a few hours. My heart aches for him.

  But I need to hear Luke’s words. I need to know what he knows, so I pull my eyes away to refocus on Luke.

  “Growing up, all the guys knew. Jake was always so protective of you. It was always, ‘Date whoever, but not Dani.’ ‘Watch out for Dani.’ It was like you were marked, and we all knew it.”

  I shake my head but keep listening. This doesn’t make sense. It wasn’t because he liked me when we were kids. We were like brother and sister. Could Jake have always felt the same way I did?

  “Marcus liked you even back then, but he knew how Jake felt, even if Jake didn’t. When Jake started dating Mel, he thought that was his chance.”

  “Marcus liked me when we were kids?”

  “Wow, you’re not super observant, huh?” Luke smiles for the first time. I’m glad his usual sarcasm is resurfacing.

  I can’t help giving a small laugh. “You knew he liked me?”

  “We’re brothers; we talk about everything.” He gives me a mischievous smile. God only knows what else they talked about. His words take my breath away, though. It’s as if he unknowingly punched me in the gut, because they will never be able to talk about anything again.

  “Do your parents know about Jake and me?” I ask, mortified, realizing if Luke knows, maybe they do, too.

  “No.”

  “Thank God,” I say before I realize the words actually flew out of my mouth.

/>   Luke gives me a small laugh.

  “No, it’s just … I really like your parents, and what I did was—”

  “Hey.” He reaches out and brushes his fingers against my arm again. “I get it.” He’s known me long enough to know I wasn’t as lucky as he was in the parents’ department.

  “How long ago did Marcus talk to you about this?” I ask, needing to know.

  Luke drops his smile. “A few weeks.”

  “What did he say?” I almost don’t want to hear his response.

  “He told me Jake was finally acting on his feelings.”

  I cock my head sideways, trying to absorb everything.

  “I thought you should know the truth, Dani. I know you, and I can tell you’re beating yourself up over this. I saw you at the hospital and the funeral.” Luke shakes his head, like just saying that word is painful. “I wanted you to know he knew. He sort of always did. He knew he was on borrowed time with you. I think he hoped you and Jake would both outgrow it.” He stops and smiles. “I’m not saying he wasn’t pissed. I mean, he was human. But in the end, he knew, and he still loved you both.”

  I jump on his words. “That’s what Jake said.”

  “Jake knows? I was going to talk to him after the game.” He eyes him on the court. Jake is giving it a hundred and ten percent, as always, but I can tell he’s pushing himself too hard, and the game hasn’t even started yet. “He’s worse than you.” Luke smiles.

  I can’t help comparing his smile to Marcus’s. It’s as if they were twins.

  “Yeah, Marcus talked to him right before the accident.”

  Luke’s smile drops, and his eyes widen “He did?” he whispers more to himself. Then his eyes meet mine again. “He said he was going to wait until after state.”

  We both stare at each other. Maybe Marcus had a feeling something was going to happen.

  It’s then that I know I have to tell him what I promised myself I would never say to anyone else. The only people who know are the eight people who were there that night, but Luke cared enough to tell me the truth, so I need to tell him.