When she arrived next door, Mr. Lee let her in. “Hi Bella, we’re glad you could do this.”
“I’m glad I could too,” she told him. “I really need the money.”
“You’re saving up for something?” Mr. Lee asked.
Bella wanted to say, “Yeah, I’m saving up to move the fuck out,” but being the respectful fourteen-year-old that she was trying to be, she just told him, “yes.”
Mr. Lee followed Bella into the house.
Bella could practically feel him on the heels of her sandals, he was walking that close to her. If she stopped, he might have run into the back of her.
“So, how long has it been since you’ve been with the Reeds?”
“Almost two years.”
“Are they treating you good?”
“As well as can be expected.” Why was he asking her all these questions ?
By this time they were in the living room, Bella looked around. “Where’s the kids?
“My wife is bathing them, we’re leaving right afterward.”
“What time will you be back?” Bella found herself crossing her arms because if she wasn’t mistaken, Mr. Lee was staring at her breasts.
“Probably around midnight, you might want to see if you could spend the night.”
On that note he walked off.
About ten to fifteen minutes later, Mr. Lee, his wife, and the kids appeared.
“Here’s the number you can reach us at in case of an emergency. Remember we’ll be late returning, so see if you can stay over.”
“I will, and don’t worry, I’ll take good care of your babies,” Bella assured them.
When they walked out the door, Bella turned toward the kids. “So, what would y’all like to do first?”
As it turned out, it went smoother than Bella expected. All the kids really wanted to do was play games and watch television.
Around 10:30 P.M., the Lees called and told her they’d be back around one in the morning, so she got permission to stay the night.
When the Lees returned home, the kids were in bed and Bella was asleep on the couch. Mrs. Lee covered her with a blanket and went into their bedroom, so Bella thought.
Sometime in the middle of night, Bella felt someone staring at her. When she opened her eyes, she saw that it was Mr. Lee.
“Yes?” she asked in a low tone and feeling uncomfortable.
Mr. Lee whispered, “You’re a beautiful girl, Bella, do you have a boyfriend?”
Bella sat up. She wondered why he was asking her this question in the middle of the night.
“Thank you and no.” What else was there to say? She could tell he was up to something, but she felt paralyzed, as though she couldn’t move.
Mr. Lee sat on the edge of the couch and touched her leg. “Do you want to make some extra money?”
Bella wasn’t stupid, she knew what he was getting at, and she wondered what made him think he could ask her something like that?
“Why?” Even though she was only fourteen, Bella had a little experience not in traditional sex but in oral. One of the boys in school that she had a crush on asked her to suck his dick in the locker room and she did. She thought it would make him like her back, but it didn’t. At first she was devastated but then she was thankful because it was short of a miracle that he didn’t go around bragging.
“There’s something I would like for you to do,” Mr. Lee told her.
She really needed money so she could run away. Would whatever he asked of her be something he’d be willing to pay for?
Mr. Lee took her hand and placed it on his penis. He waited to see what she would do.
Bella looked toward the bedroom. “I’m not sleeping with you.”
“I’m not asking you to, I just want you to touch me and show me your stuff.”
Bella looked toward the bedroom again. She knew what “stuff” he was talking about.
“You don’t have to worry about my wife. She’s sound asleep,” Mr. Lee assured her.
Bella knew this was wrong, she knew she should get up and leave but she also knew he would be willing to give her some money, he’d said so himself. So she reached over and squeezed his penis through his pajama pants.
“Let me see your pussy,” he told her.
Bella closed her eyes, took her hand off his penis, and pulled her dress up. She moved her panties to the side.
She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel, a part of her wanted to cry but desperate times called for desperate measures.
That night, on top of her babysitting money, she received an extra fifty dollars, just for letting him masturbate while she rubbed on herself.
This soon became a routine of theirs. He often asked her to babysit or when his wife wasn’t home he said he needed someone to watch the kids while he worked around the house.
Between Mr. Lee wanting to see her again and her making money off of stolen clothes, she figured she just might be able to move in two months’ time, three at the most.
Bella knew she was wrong for what she was doing but all she was thinking about was survival, hers.
Stealing was easier than she thought, especially when the stores were busy. She discovered she didn’t have to be down with anyone, she could do this on her own.
Over the next couple of weeks Bella wore her new clothes to school. When someone complimented her on her gear, she let it slip what she was doing. She even cut her price under 50 percent to beat out the competition.
Bella tried to justify what she and Mr. Lee were doing by telling herself it wasn’t that bad because she wasn’t having sex with him, he just liked to see her naked and play with himself. If he tried to take it further, she was going to end it. Actually, it depended on how much he would offer her.
It didn’t take long for her to find out. After a month of seeing him about twice a week, he finally asked for sex. Scared because she was still physically a virgin, she told him no but when he told her to name her price, she decided to reconsider.
This just might be it, this just might be my opportunity to leave.
“One thousand dollars,” she told him while she thought there was absolutely no way he would agree to it.
To her surprise he did and they arranged for her to cut school so they would meet at a hotel.
This was not the way Bella thought she would lose her virginity but at least she was being paid for it.
She put it in her mind that she was going to have to lose it one day anyway and at least this way it was all under her control.
That day they met at the Holiday Inn, Bella was scared out of her mind. How bad was it going to hurt? How would it happen? She asked herself all these questions and more. Not that it mattered because her clothes were packed. After this was over, she would not be returning to the Reeds’ home.
Before anything happened, she asked him for the money. He handed it over. He also pulled out a little yellow pill.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“It’s something to ease your nerves.”
“I don’t do drugs.”
“It’s not really a drug.”
Bella gave him the I’m not stupid look.
He insisted that she take it. “It’ll take the edge off,” he told her. “You’ll be more relaxed.”
After taking the pill and having a couple of drinks, Bella lost her virginity, all for the sake of cash.
When they were done, Bella saw the blood on the sheets and told Mr. Lee that she was ready for him to leave, that she needed to be by herself.
Of course, he begged to see her again. She just looked at him. She knew she’d never be returning to this place or be in his presence anymore.
Bella didn’t remember a thing about the sex and that was a good thing, but when she saw the blood on the sheets she cried, stood up, took the sheets off the bed, and stuffed them in the garbage can. She then went into the bathroom to take a bath.
As she waited for the tub to fill with water, she thought to herself, I have ov
er three thousand dollars in cash and the ability to steal, what more could a girl ask for?
That day was the beginning of a new life for Bella. It was the day she lost her virginity, the day she turned fifteen, and the day she left the Reeds.
CHAPTER TWO
ELSIE
Dear Journal,
Today I am starting a new venture—not only am I starting a new venture, I’m ready to make some serious changes in my life. I’m ready to share my life with a child. How is this going to happen when I’m a gay woman? Well, it’s happened for many other gay women. I just need to look into the options that are available and God willing, I’ll be a mother.
Today I’m opening my nonprofit organization called the Essence of Self Center. I’m so thankful to be given this opportunity to assist in the growth of young women. We should be willing to give back because what goes around comes around and when you help others good things come your way. It’s called karma.
This past year has been one of growth, setbacks, heartaches, heartbreaks, and bullshit, but I’ve overcome and I’ll continue to overcome.
So, journal, I start this morning off by thanking you for being the one consistent thing in my life that I could turn to and talk to without judgments.
Everyone should be so lucky.
Your friend, Elsie
Elsie found herself thinking about babies constantly. She was ready to be a mother, a birth mother, not an adoptive mom, not a foster mom, and not a godmother. She wanted her very own child and she wanted a baby to come out of her womb. The question remained, how it would get there, because she wasn’t up to fucking a man, that wasn’t going to happen.
Elsie was seriously considering getting a sperm donor. Once she got the Essence of Self Center up and running, she was going to start researching the process.
Every morning when she woke up, her mind was on motherhood. Perhaps it was because she often dreamed of her ex-girlfriend, Summer, and her daughter, Winter. If she had not been such an asshole and they would have stayed together, they would be a family. She would be a mother by extension and then maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t be so pressed to have a child.
It was five in the morning when Elsie glanced at her clock. She hadn’t even set her alarm; it was like her body knew she was on a mission that morning. Elsie stretched across the bed and let out a big yawn.
“God, I thank you for another day,” Elsie said out loud just before she climbed out of the bed. She walked into her bathroom, flicked on the light, opened the doors to her shower, and turned the water on. She had quite a morning planned and there was nothing like a cool shower to wake her body up.
She took off the only thing she wore to bed, her panties, climbed in the shower, stood under the water, and let the coolness hit her body.
She threw her head back, allowing the water to hit her face and run down to her throat, while she psyched herself up for the hour and a half that lay ahead. She was meeting with Angel, her personal trainer, at the park.
Elsie reached on top of the door for her rag, grabbed her peppermint body gel, and wiped her body down while inhaling the scent, invigorating her mind.
Ten minutes later she dried off and threw on some deodorant, sweatpants, a sports bra, and a T-shirt.
Why she let Angel talk her into doing a boot camp workout, was beyond her. She was comfortable sticking with the treadmill and free weights; too bad it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t seeing the changes in her body she wanted to see.
When she told Angel, “I work out almost five days a week. I’ve improved my eating habits but I’m not getting the results I want,” Angel told her, “you should never get too comfortable with your workout because once you do your body gets comfortable, and that’s when you’ll stop seeing changes. What good is it to do all this work if your body stays the same?”
Elsie had to admit, Angel was on point with that one because whenever she looked in the mirror, she saw a lot of changes she wanted to make. Okay, maybe not a lot but a few like the age-old slimmer thighs, flatter belly and tighter ass, every female’s wish list.
When Elsie pulled up to the park, she noticed that Angel was already there and had the audacity to be stretching out.
“What the hell?” Elise asked, as she approached her. “Did you sleep here?”
Angel laughed. “I figured I’d get here first and get a little run in, plus when I show up before my clients, it looks good.”
Elsie chose Angel as a trainer because at the gym, she always seemed personable with the people she was working with. They also seemed to be having a good time. If someone could make working out seem like fun, then that’s who she wanted to train her.
“All right, are you ready to burn fat, build muscle, and sweat for the next hour and fifteen minutes?” Angel asked, as she jumped up and down and warmed up her body.
“I’m always ready,” Elsie lied.
“That’s what I like to hear.”
Elsie looked at Angel and just like she did at every session wished Angel was gay, but she learned a while ago that wasn’t the case.
“I’m strictly, dickly,” was Angel’s response, when Elsie asked her if she’d ever been with a woman.
For the next hour and fifteen minutes, Elsie ran, jumped up steps, squatted, lunged, and did so many push-ups that she had convinced herself she’d lost an inch from that workout alone.
After they walked around the track one final time for a cooldown, Angel hugged Elsie. “Congratulations, girl, today’s your big day, you’re getting ready to change lives with your organization.”
Elsie liked the sound of that. “Yep, I am.”
After they said their good-byes, Elsie went home to get started with the rest of her day. Exhausted and hungry from the workout, she threw some frozen fruit and protein powder in the blender and took another shower.
While in the shower, Elsie placed her hands on her stomach. She was doing all this work to have flat abs and a toned body just to lose the results by eventually having a baby. What was the point, she wondered; it didn’t make any sense, but then again it did, because when she finally got pregnant she wanted to be in the best shape possible.
After her breakup with Summer, Elsie didn’t know what she was going to do relationship-wise. She knew she needed to take time for herself and that’s what she did. She didn’t date or have casual sex. She was never one to do that anyway. Being alone allowed her time to think about her life and the direction she was headed in. That’s how the whole nonprofit organization idea came up.
That’s not the only idea that came up. It was then she realized that she wasn’t getting any younger. She also realized that marriage didn’t look like it was going to be in the picture and because of these two issues, she was going to miss out on something wonderful and that’s a child.
An hour later when Elsie arrived at the Center, she was the first one there as planned.
Crystal, Susan, Jewell, her pastor Bella, who was coming to bless the building, Faith, a counselor she hired with Susan’s referral, a couple of reporters, and a photographer were all coming a little later.
Elsie was proud of what she turned from a thought to reality. Every little detail was carefully thought out, especially the location of the center, which was in Asbury Park, New Jersey.
Asbury Park is a small suburban town that’s two square miles. This small town has had its share of ups and downs. The Center was housed in a building that was a few blocks down from the beach, which was a shadow of the past. It used to be a tourist site but times had changed due to riots and other negative activities in the 1970s.
The reason Elsie chose Asbury Park for her location was because there had been some resurgence in the Asbury Park real estate market and it was in the process of being redeveloped. She wanted to be a part of that redevelopment. She saw big things happening there. She knew it would be a struggle but she was here for the battle.
It bugged Elsie out how on one side of town, people were out and about shopping and strollin
g, stores were open, and it looked like a little city. While on the other side of town, just two physical blocks over, it was the hood. There were run-down homes and people hanging on corners obviously selling drugs, because they knew no other way of life. A local store called Sheffields was the main hangout for teenagers.
Would that ever change? She didn’t know, but she hoped. Elsie’s goal was to bring the two sides together and to assist the women who were struggling to survive, maintain, or just keep it together in the community.
She believed that when you change, educate and, uplift one female, you were changing, educating and, uplifting a generation.
Elsie paused at the door and ran her hand across the sign that read THE ESSENCE OF SELF CENTER. This was an important moment and she wanted to take it all in.
She pulled her key out of her bag and opened the door. She turned on the lights and glanced around. As the first one to enter the center she looked around the room to see what impression the others would receive when they arrived.
She wanted the reception area to be welcoming, more like a guest area as opposed to a waiting area. She chose warm, serene blues and comfortable furniture. She didn’t purchase regular chairs, she chose two loungers and a chaise. You sank when you sat down in them. There was also a coffee table with magazines and uplifting books on display and two end tables. Up against the wall, she placed two bookshelves, with a variety of authors. The reception desk was facing the door on a slant, she didn’t want the receptionist to be up in people’s faces the second they walked through the door. Elsie was pleased with her design.
So pleased that she wanted to cry tears of joy but she would save that moment for another time. She wanted to be clear-eyed when people arrived.
Elsie walked from room to room, office to office, thanking God for the space, for the chance, for allowing her to be in this position and for the opportunity.
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