It had been four weeks of fear, of doubt, and of asking herself, would there really be a happy ending. Faith had gotten a job at Fayva, a shoe store in Seaview Square Mall.
Every now and then someone would come into the store and she’d strike up a conversation. This one time, Faith noticed a woman that kept staring at her.
“Do I know you from somewhere?” Faith asked her.
“You look like a younger version of someone I know,” she responded.
Not one to throw words to the wind and because she was in Asbury Park on a mission, Faith said, “Well, my mother is from this area.”
“Who’s your mother, dear?” the woman asked with an intense look on her face.
“Norma Stallworth,” Faith told her.
The lady brought her hand up to her chest and if Faith wasn’t mistaken, the lady’s eyes watered up.
“Are you okay?” Faith asked her.
“Faith? Is your name Faith?”
Faith’s heart started to race a mile a minute. She knew something major was about to happen, that whatever this woman was about to say would change her life forever.
“Yes, I’m Faith.”
Before you knew it, the lady came around the counter and drew Faith into her arms.
Faith pulled away from the lady. “Who are you?”
“I’m your aunt.”
By now, people in the store were looking, whispering, and wondering what the hell was going on.
“My aunt?” Faith repeated.
“Yes, I’m your Aunt Gail.”
Faith tried to remember if her mother had said that her sister’s name was Gail. She couldn’t. “You’re my mother’s sister?”
“Yes, sweetie, yes.”
“How do I know if what you say is true?” Faith didn’t really doubt her because what reason would this woman have to lie to her?
The woman took her purse off her shoulder, laid it down on the counter, opened it, and pulled out a small photo album. “Take a look.”
Faith took the photo album and started to look through it. What she saw overwhelmed her. There were a couple of pictures inside of her mother when she was younger, pictures that Faith had seen in her own household. There was also a picture of Faith and her mother sitting in a rocking chair when Faith was a toddler.
Faith looked up and stared at her newfound aunt and she could actually see the resemblance. After getting over the initial shock of this news, Faith asked about her mother. “Where is she? Where’s my mother? She left us, she abandoned me, did she come here?”
Taking another hit of her coke, Faith thought about the emptiness she felt when her aunt told her that her mother had passed.
Her aunt reached out and took Faith’s hand. “I’m sorry to tell you this, dear, but your mother died last year. She had diabetes and high blood pressure, sweetie. She went to be with the Lord.”
Faith just stood there and looked at her aunt, trying to will her to take back what she just said. But from the look on her aunt’s face, Faith knew it was true. Faith felt numb. She felt like all the air had left her body. There was no way this could be true, there was no way she could have gotten this close to finding her mother only to find out that she was dead.
The emptiness she felt that day was something she carried with her into adulthood. She was now an orphan. She felt as if she had no one.
Faith was hurt because she would not get the chance to ask her mother why she never came back and rescued her. She’d never get the chance to ask her why didn’t she take her when she left. She knew she left her in hell.
“Who are you here with? Is your father here? Where are you staying?” Her aunt fired off these questions quicker than she could respond.
Still in shock, Faith took down her aunt’s number and address. She told her, “I’ll call you or come by sometime this week.”
As Faith said these words, she didn’t know how true they were. Hell, she didn’t know if she was going to be able to make it through the rest of the workday.
Somehow she did and when she got back to her motel room, she sat on the edge of the bed, looked at the phone, and went back and forth in her head. “Should I call her or should I just let it go?” She really didn’t want to let it go, but she didn’t want to be hurt either.
There were so many questions going through Faith’s mind. Would her aunt invite her into her life? Would she ask her to come and live with her? Did her mother tell her how abusive her father was? What could she tell her about her mother? Was she happy? Was she content?
Thinking back to that day, Faith had to be honest with herself and say it was the one time she had made the right decision.
She called her aunt, went to see her, and ended up living with her. Her aunt never called her father and for the first time ever, Faith felt like she belonged somewhere, like she was wanted, like someone loved her.
There was one rule her aunt insisted upon, and that rule was college and in order to go to college, you had to finish high school, which Faith didn’t have a problem with. She wanted to go back to school. She did and she excelled. She graduated at the top of her class.
But being book smart, having street wisdom and man/relationship sense were three different things and just because you excelled in one, it definitely didn’t mean you would excel in the other.
Faith’s first real relationship was mentally abusive and the cycle continued. No, it may not have been physical abuse but verbal, financial, and mental abuse was just as destructive.
Faith knew that she was repeating the same cycle over and over but for some reason she couldn’t stop herself. It’s like she was pressing the repeat button. Even as she sat on the beachfront getting high, Faith analyzed herself.
Her diagnosis was her father was to blame. It was because of him she felt like she didn’t deserve happiness.
Faith wanted to stop trying to prove that she was worthy. She was tired of buying men, of overdoing everything to be with them. She was tired of letting men walk over her.
These thoughts and numerous others ran through her head when she noticed she was out of cocaine.
Faith looked out toward the ocean and contemplated walking into it. She wanted to let herself be taken away. Better yet, maybe she’d take her car and drive off the bridge.
Right when she was thinking these thoughts, there was a knock on her car window. Faith looked up and noticed a man bent over and peering in the window with a frown on his face.
She wanted to ignore him but knew that wouldn’t do any good because he didn’t look like someone that could easily be ignored.
Faith rolled down her window. “Yes?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
The next thing Faith felt were the tears, which were running down her cheeks. She must have cried buckets of water. She was damn near wailing and she knew these crazy emotions were coming from her high.
“Open the door,” the man insisted.
Faith looked at him and wiped her face. Just because she was high, it didn’t mean she was crazy.
Faith turned the key in her ignition, pulled off and left the man standing there. The man was Raheem.
A week later, she returned to the beach.
This time she was sober as she sat on a bench and stared out at the ocean as she tried to figure out what she was going to do with her life.
“So,” Faith heard a man’s voice say, as he sat beside her. “No tears today?”
Faith looked up and thought to herself, why is this man acting like he knows me, I don’t know him.
“Do I know you?” she asked, poised to leave the bench.
“Last week, here at the beach, you were in your car crying. When I asked how you were doing, you drove off.”
Talk about embarrassed, if she could crawl under the bench she would have. Faith recalled being high as hell that night. When she made it home safely, she cleaned the house top to bottom as she tried to get the suicidal thoughts out of her head.
“Oh, yeah, I remember.�
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“So, are we feeling better?”
Better? At that point, Faith didn’t know when or if she would ever feel better. What she did know was that she was willing and ready to take the necessary steps to making it happen.
In her hand Faith held the Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet her boss gave her. She didn’t even recall sticking it in her purse, but she must have, because earlier that week when she was cleaning it out the pamphlet stared up at her, the pamphlet and a cut-up straw, which is what she used to do her lines of cocaine with.
As she stood looking from the pamphlet to the straw she knew it was time to make a choice. She threw the straw away and stuck the pamphlet back inside her purse. With that action, her decision was made, now all she had to do was get up the nerves and actually go through with it.
When Faith looked up at this stranger talking to her, she noticed he was looking at the pamphlet in her hand.
Embarrassed, she covered it up.
“I—I have to go,” Faith stuttered.
“Well, can I at least know your name?” he asked.
Faith saw no harm. “Faith.”
“Well, I hope to see you again, Faith.” He took a business card out of his pocket and handed it to her. “I’m Raheem, call me if you need a friend.”
When Faith left the beach that night, she attended her first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. She also met Susan, someone who would become a lifelong friend.
CHAPTER FIVE
The week the Essence of Self Center opened exceeded Elsie’s dreams. She was concerned that it would take a while for the word to spread that there was a location for young women to come and talk things out, to get advice, hang out, read, do homework, or whatever would keep them out of trouble and out of the streets.
To her surprise, by day three they had received a number of phone calls and a few drop-bys. She still hadn’t hired anyone yet and was hoping that Jewell’s cousin would be the person. The day they were initially supposed to meet was postponed because one of Harmony’s kids was sick. So they ended up rescheduling.
Tonight, Susan was having a little get-together at her house. When Elsie pulled into the driveway, she saw Crystal’s car, Jewell’s car, and a few cars she didn’t recognize. She was looking forward to this little get-together because recently Elsie felt like she had shut herself out from everyone and she thought it would be nice to actually be around some people.
Elsie parked about three houses down the street. By the time she reached Susan’s house, Susan was standing at the door waiting on her. “I saw you when you drove by. Come on in,” Susan greeted.
Elsie could see that the get-together was in full swing. There appeared to be a houseful of people.
“What did you do, invite everyone you know?” Elsie joked.
“Girl, these are Timothy’s people. Had I known he was going to go out like this, I would have been better prepared. I thought we were having a small dinner party.”
Elsie followed Susan into the living room and looked around. “Where is Timothy?”
“He had to run out and get more food.”
“Elsie!” Crystal approached them. “It’s about time you got here.” Crystal started pulling Elsie into the “conversation room” where people were gathered and seemed to be deep into a heated conversation.
Elsie turned to Crystal. “What did I step into?”
“A battlefield, girl.”
Elsie felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She turned around and was surprised to see Bella standing there. “I didn’t know pastors went to parties,” she joked.
“I just thought it was a dinner party. I didn’t realize it was going to be so testosterone driven,” Bella offered in way of explanation.
Even if she had known, the truth was Bella probably still would have showed up. She didn’t feel like being alone tonight. Yes, she could go visit the unhealthy and those in need of prayer but for once, she felt like being around people that didn’t want her to heal them or expect much from her. She just felt like some good company.
“Just because you’re a pastor, it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy an outing as much as the next person.”
“You are right about that,” Susan chimed in as she walked up behind them.
Elsie was about to step out the room and go into the kitchen to get something to eat when she heard a man’s voice say, “Heck, you might as well call me a lesbian, I love women too.”
On that note, Elsie, Bella, Crystal, and Susan moved closer to the conversation.
“I know that’s right,” Timothy’s friend, Malik, remarked. “You just don’t know what you’re getting into nowadays as far as relationships are concerned; everyone appears to be bisexual, men and women.”
Bella looked at Susan. “I think that may be my cue to leave.”
“You don’t have to leave, it’s only a conversation.”
Malik went on to say, “I think it’s a damn shame, it’s like being gay is okay. All this openness and acceptance is crazy. Every time I turn on the television, there’s a gay character prancing around, whether it’s a talk show, a television show, or a reality show. What kind of shit is that? What kind of example are we setting for our kids?”
Elsie did not want to get involved in this conversation but she couldn’t hold back. “You sound like you’re homophobic. Do you have something against gay people?”
Susan looked at Elsie as if to say, why did you even go there, why are you egging this asshole on.
Malik told her, “I have nothing against anyone, I’m concerned for the next generation, that’s all I’m saying.”
Bella knew that Elsie was one of the gay members of her congregation. They’d talked about her sexual preference in private and they were developing a friendship outside of the church. “What do you mean, you’re concerned for the next generation? Do you think that not accepting people for who they are is setting a good example?” Elsie asked.
“What I’m talking about,” Malik tried to point out, “is the world is crazy enough without mixing up our babies. If we allow same-sex relationships, how do men learn how to be men and who teaches a woman how to be a lady and stay in her place?”
This touched a nerve in Faith. “What the hell do you mean, stay in her place?” Faith heard that shit growing up, she didn’t want to hear it at a place where she was supposed to be having a good time.
Bella also put her two cents in. “Yeah, what do you mean by ‘her place’?”
None of the other men in the room were saying a word, they were letting Malik stick his foot in his mouth.
“In my experience as a pastor, having counseled same-sex couples, I’ve come to see and understand that in their relationships their roles are clearly defined,” Bella told him.
“Not to mention last I checked,” Faith added, “many of you so-called men are not doing such a great job anyway.”
Malik ignored that remark and looked at Bella. “So you don’t think homosexuals are hell-bound?”
“I think anyone, regardless of their sexuality, could be hell-bound, as you say, if they are not doing the right thing. I don’t believe you can go to hell based on who you love.”
“What I don’t understand,” one of the other male guest decided to contribute, “is why when a woman wants to be with a woman, they end up with a woman that acts and looks like a man.”
“Yeah,” Malik said, “That shit just don’t make sense to me.”
Everyone looked at one another. It seemed no one had an answer, not even Elsie, who preferred feminine women.
“You know what,” Susan said, “I think part of the problem between male and female relationships is sometimes you men get so caught up in being the alpha male that you forget that women are your partners and not your property or servants.”
Timothy looked at Susan, surprised that she would say such a thing. “Is that what you think I think?”
Susan smiled to reassure him. “Sweetie, you are one of the exceptions to the rule.”
“But must you blame the man for the failure of today’s relationships?” Timothy asked. “I’m a good man, who’s to say that most men are not.”
Malik didn’t give Susan a chance to answer. “I don’t think it has anything to do with the man at all. I think the problem started when someone thought of that equal-opportunity shit.”
Crystal finally cut in. “What the hell are you talking about now?” She looked around at all the women and asked, “Why are we even entertaining this person?”
Malik went on. “The problem started once you women started working and earning a paycheck. When this happened, you started to believe we were equals.” He looked at Bella. “On this, the pastor would even have to agree. It says it in the Bible, the man is the head of the household.”
When these words come out of Malik’s mouth, comments were heard all over the room.
“He done lost all his mind.”
“Being head of the household is something you have to earn.”
“We had to start working out of necessity, because of the sorry-ass men out there.”
On and on the comments went, until Faith threw up her hands and said, “I’m a counselor and just the other day one of my clients came into the office in tears, distraught. She went on to tell me her man constantly cheats on her, he does drugs, he’s not attentive to her needs, a terrible lover, and most of all, not bringing home enough money to take care of his family.”
“Well, if it’s that bad, why don’t she leave!” someone yelled out.
“Because she believes she owes him for all the good he’s done in the past. When they first got together, when she was down and out and he stood by her.”
“That sounds like my sister!” someone called out. Everyone laughed, easing the tension.
Faith waited to see if anyone had anything else to say. She was hoping to get some insight to her situation, but it went unrecognized.
Bella looked at Malik and said, “Before I leave, I want to say this to you. You are correct in stating that the Bible suggests that the man should be the head of the household. However, he cannot be the head of the household if he is an incompetent, inept, and unqualified leader.”
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