by C. A. Harms
“What would you say if I told you I have two tickets to go see the NASCAR race in Fort Worth tomorrow?” Every time I thought about it, my stomach knotted up. I was nervous about seeing Sean after all this time, but Molly had been very persistent about Landyn and me joining them.
“Really?” he asked in disbelief as he leaned forward, his eyes growing wide.
When I nodded, he began dancing around, throwing his hands in the air over and over. His excitement made my anxiety fade, but only for a moment.
Because I couldn’t stop thinking about the last night I’d seen Sean before he walked away.
SEAN
Six years ago
“DO YOU HAVE to leave tomorrow?” Jenny asked. “Why can’t you just stay here?”
Tears filled her gorgeous, bright blue eyes, making them almost glow. I was so close to telling her I’d stay forever if she needed me to, just to see her smile again, but I knew I couldn’t.
Jenny’s tears had always been my weakness. I’d seen them far too many times over the years, and each time she cried, I did everything I could to bring back that light in her eyes. It had been not just the most important thing to me, but my mission for years, but I couldn’t be the guy to do it anymore.
I had to break free, even if I felt like a part of me was being ripped to shreds. And the panic in her eyes was only making the pain harder to bear.
But the alternative was so much worse. I couldn’t stay here watching the two of them together, not when I had been so close to Jenny, not when she had always felt like mine.
“Please stay,” she whispered, her lower lip trembling as she tried her best to stop it. “I don’t know if I can do this without you, be here without you.”
Jenny had never looked at me with such desperation. She had always known the way to my heart, but I had to stay strong, even though I knew we were both fighting and failing to do so.
“It’s the opportunity of a lifetime,” I said, “and it won’t happen if I stay here in Irving.”
But this was so much more than just a chance to travel with one of the best NASCAR drivers ever, and I think she knew that. We both knew it was my way out of the love triangle I’d been living since the moment I returned last summer. Dealing with the three of us now was just too hard.
“I’m gonna miss you like crazy,” Jenny whispered as her tears finally fell.
I had to look away for a minute and remember she now belonged to Robby. He should be the one to console her, but I think we both understood he wouldn’t. He had never been a compassionate type of guy.
My heart hammered in my chest as I fought against the urge to take her in my arms and give her the comfort she needed.
“I’ll miss you too,” I replied, but those weren’t strong enough words for what I knew I would feel the moment I walked away. Jenny and I were so in tune that sometimes I felt like we shared a soul, but somewhere along the way we lost one another.
I lost her.
She offered me a weak smile, and I knew it was the tough girl inside of her trying to hold herself together.
“But you’ve got Robby—and your son,” I added, and just the mention of the life she had begun to build without me made it all so final.
Jenny and I wouldn’t have a future; our chance had passed.
She looked at the ground, and I don’t know what possessed me, but I stepped in closer and tipped her chin upward with my palm on her cheek. “Don’t look so sad, pretty girl,” I told her. “Everything will be okay.”
“Nothing will ever be okay,” she whispered, closing her eyes as the tears ran along her cheeks.
I swiped one away with my thumb and felt like it had burned me. I had done the best I could to remain strong up until that moment, but I had reached my breaking point. I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her close, breathing in her familiar scent. Her arms encircled my waist instantly, and I held her close, just feeling her body against mine.
“It breaks my heart to see you cry, Jenny. You know that.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against my chest. “I just don’t want you to go,” she finally confessed. “The worst part about it is I know you’re leaving so you can get away from me. Away from what I did.”
I wanted to scream that I didn’t want to leave her either. I wanted to say, “Come with me, leave Robby behind, because he doesn’t deserve you and he’ll never be as good to you as I will,” but I couldn’t.
Because even though the asshole knew I had feelings for her and went after her anyway, that didn’t change the fact he was my friend, or that I was to blame here too. I shouldn’t have ignored my feelings for her. I should have told her long before that summer when I lost my chances with her.
“I’ll call,” I whispered hoarsely, “and even visit.” But I knew I was lying, which was something Jenny and I had promised never to do to each other, no matter how disappointing the truth was or how much it hurt.
“No, you won’t,” she replied, and the way she called me out reminded me just how well we knew one another. Hell, we’d been inseparable since kindergarten. “We’ve barely talked since you came back last summer. I don’t see that getting any better once you’re thousands of miles away.”
At this point even thousands of miles still felt too close. No amount of distance would soothe this ache inside me. Jenny was in my blood. She was the best part of my days, and the idea of waking up and not being able to share my life with her was unbearable. But it was something I had to face. Through my father’s business connections, he had met a few CEOs that were heavily into the driving scene, as well as some top drivers in NASCAR, and he was able to set me up with the chance to prove myself to a crew. Yes, I was starting at the bottom of the totem pole, but one day I’d be a driver.
I wouldn’t take anything less.
“What happened to us?” Jenny asked, and I felt like all the air had left my lungs.
You chose Robby over me, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. The two of you broke my fucking heart.
“Life,” I said instead. It was weak, I know, but it was all I had. Even after all she’d done, I still couldn’t find it in me to be cruel.
“I love you, Sean,” she whispered, and I closed my eyes, holding her tighter.
It was really nothing at all for us to tell each other that. We’d done it for years. We said good-bye each night, and every morning before we went our separate ways to class. Even though we hadn’t said it often lately, I knew in the back of my mind that she still loved me and that I would always love her.
But you don’t spend your life with someone and just one day decide you don’t love them anymore. I would always have years of memories of that special kind of love two best friend shared and of the girl I’d fallen head over heels for. The girl I let another man take.
“I love you too,” I said as I tried to pull back and put a little distance between us. My resolve was deteriorating slowly, and if I didn’t let go, I knew I may never be able to.
Only she held on to me even tighter.
Her body shook against mine, and I gave her these last few moments of whatever comfort my closeness was providing. And yes, it was giving me some closure as well.
“I mean I truly love you,” she said. “Last summer never should have happened.”
This time I gently pushed her body back from mine, creating some distance between us, and she looked back at me in surprise. “What are you saying?” I wasn’t sure my heart could take it, but I had to know the truth.
“It was a mistake. One I know I can’t change and one I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.” Her lip trembled and she looked down for a moment as if to gain some control before her eyes connected with mine once more. “I wish it would have been with you and not Robby.”
I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach, like every dream I’d had for us had just been dangled before me only to be ripped away once again.
I tried to speak more than once, but I couldn’t figure out how t
o get the words to leave my mouth.
“Say something,” Jenny said. “Please, anything.”
I shook my head as I tried to step back from her, but she followed close, still holding on to me.
“Don’t,” I said. I couldn’t do this.
The things I was feeling were wrong. She was off-limits for more than one reason. But I couldn’t be mad at her for her choices, even though I tried to be. I loved her, I had for years, and now here she stood, telling me she felt the same.
But we couldn’t go down that road. It was too late.
“Sean, please,” she begged once more. “I don’t know what to do.”
Before I could stop myself, I stepped toward her and pressed my lips to hers. I knew it would be nothing more than a bittersweet good-bye kiss, but I had to.
Jenny and I had never shared a more powerful intimate moment. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline rushing through me or the fact I’d wanted to kiss her for so long, but I could no longer hold back.
She sighed as her body relaxed into mine, and her hands fisted my shirt, making the moment feel even more intense
She tasted so sweet, just like I always knew she would.
And I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. I had denied myself this for far too long, and I only wanted one taste, just wanted one kiss, before letting go forever.
We both took in a deep breath as I pulled back, and that sound slapped me back to reality I knew then that I’d only given myself even more to miss.
“Sean,” she whispered, and I could tell she too knew this was wrong.
“I have to go,” I told her. I now knew more than ever that was the only safe choice for us both. “I’m sorry, Jen, but I need to go.”
I walked away without looking back, because I knew if I didn’t go now, I’d never be able to leave her.
I’ve dreamed of that night often. And each time I did, I wondered if walking away was the right thing to do. It was noble, but was it for the best?
I’ve been trying ever since to find a person who made me feel even a sliver of what I felt for Jenny when I was with her. But I always came up empty.
I’ve come to believe there was no other girl like her.
“You ready for today, Rookie?”
I hated that name, but it came with the territory since I’d only been on the track as a driver for a little over a year.
“I’m good,” I said with a smirk. “I’ll be even better when I leave you on the track, old man, because you know you can’t keep up anymore.”
It was fun to hassle Dirk Montana even though we both knew I was just talking shit. He was a legend, and I grew up watching him destroy driver after driver on every track around the world. He knew the game and played it well, and I didn’t know a driver in NASCAR that didn’t look up to him in some way.
He was also the man who’d recognized my talents behind the wheel. I worked on his pit crew for four years, and during that time I came to idolize him even more.
I still remember the day I pulled his car back into the pit with a knot the size of Texas in my stomach as he stood on the side of the track with his arms crossed, his brow creased, and an unreadable look on his face.
I thought for sure my ass was about to get canned, because I’d gotten on the car a little more than necessary when I took it on a test drive, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Where the hell did you come from, kid?” he asked.
He said he’d seen something in me that most drivers don’t possess—a sixth sense, that hidden talent it took to succeed.
I owe where I am today to Dirk. And though we may be on the same team, never once did the man take it easy on me. In fact, I think he pushed me harder than he did anyone else on the team.
JENNY
I DROVE THE entire way from Irving to Fort Worth with a large knot in my chest.
Landyn sat in the backseat talking away about how he wanted to meet the drivers and touch the cars. But with each mile marker I passed, I only grew more nervous.
Molly wanted us to ride with her and her husband, Jerry, only I couldn’t bring myself to do so. What if I needed to escape quickly? I couldn’t do that without a car.
“Momma, do you think we can get autographs?”
I looked up and met his gaze in the rear-view mirror. He looked back at me with such a hopeful expression that I decided no matter what type of torture I would have to endure, I would find a way to get my son as many autographs as possible.
Because his happiness meant so much more to me than my own shame and regret.
This was the first time I’d been to any event this large. After getting pregnant at such a young age, I never really found the time to experience a thrill like going to a big race. Being a young dad never stopped Robby from having a life though. While I was home pregnant and miserable, he continued on with his parties and staying out late. I figured it would stop once our baby came, but it only got worse. Whenever Landyn woke up crying, Robby would claim he needed some alone time. While I focused on our son, he only focused on his next drink.
Just like his father had when Robby was a kid.
Sitting in line waiting to park only gave me more time to consider turning around and going back home. Yet each time those thoughts threatened to consume me, I would look up into the mirror and see the excitement in Landyn’s eyes.
By this point he had unbuckled and was moving around the backseat, taking everything from the heavy crowds to the large stadium ahead all in, pointing and ecstatic with happy laughter. His look, Mommas and oh wows made the ache in my stomach a little easier to control.
Today was for him. That’s what I kept telling myself. He needed a little good in his life right now.
Once we were finally parked, we gathered our things and walked toward the front entrance.
Molly had given me direction around the place and insisted I meet her and Jerry at the large pillar outside the Speedway Club. With each step I grew even more anxious.
“Momma, look.” I jumped as Landyn squealed. He was pointing off to the side at a clown on stilts carrying signs with the drivers’ names and numbers on them. “Can I get one?”
Before I could answer, he was dragging me in that direction.
“How much?” I asked the lady that stood near the cart holding a majority of the signs.
“Ten each,” she replied.
I pulled out a twenty and handed it to her. “Pick your favorite, buddy.” I motioned toward the signs, and Landyn bolted to the cart. He loved red, so I knew his choice would have nothing to do with the driver himself.
“This one,” he said with a smile, holding up a sign that read Dirk Montana and the number 07 in black. The sign was shaped like a race car and held up by what appeared to be an oversized Popsicle stick. It couldn’t have been cheesier, but it made Landyn happy, so what the hell.
“Here is your change,” the woman said, and I shook my head.
“I’ll take one too,” I told her. “Which one should I get?” I asked Landyn as I knelt down beside him and looked up at the cart.
I had already spotted the one that had my heart racing at a dangerous speed. It was yellow with a big bold 44 in the center, in black. The name on it brought tears to my eyes, because if I’m being honest, I’ve missed Sean so much since he walked away.
“You pick this time,” Landyn said as he happily spun his own car around and around.
I pointed toward Sean’s sign, and the woman handed it to me with a smile. “He is one of my favorites too. For a rookie he really can hold his own. Some are saying he’ll be the one to win it all this year.”
Her words filled me with pride—pride I wasn’t really sure I had the right to feel.
“Jenny?”
I turned at the sound of my name, and the lump in my throat returned. Molly stood only a few feet away waving and smiling at me with Jerry and Mr. Wickers at her side.
Even though she looked happy to see me, I still felt as if my being here was wron
g. I’d hurt Sean when I slept with Robby. He never admitted that he felt the same way for me as I did for him, but I saw it in his eyes, and felt it in the kiss we’d shared before he walked out of my life for good.
“Well, look at you,” Molly said as she leaned over to touch Landyn’s cheek. “You look just like your momma.”
Yes, he did. Oddly he looked nothing like Robby. He had my blond hair and blue eyes.
“Thanks for inviting us,” I said to Molly before moving my gaze to Jerry.
He only offered me a nod, which did nothing to ease my nerves. But I understood why he was so standoffish. Jerry was an honorable man, and his family was his number one priority. He stood behind his son fully no matter what, and that was just the way it should be.
Landyn held up his sign and wiggled it around so they could all see. “Look, its red,” he announced.
Jerry and Mr. Wickers chuckled.
“Yes, it is,” Jerry said as he crouched in front of Landyn so they were at eye level. “That man,” he said, pointing toward the sign, “is a legend on the track. He has won more races and broken more records than any other driver in the history of NASCAR.” The way he spoke to my son as if Landyn was an adult made me smile.
Jerry paused and pride filled his eyes. “But one man threatens all that. One driver who will for sure reach heights that no one ever expected.”
“Who?” Landyn asked, his eyes wide with curiosity.
Jerry pointed to the sign in my hand. My stomach lurched because I had forgotten all about it until then.
“My boy,” Jerry stated proudly. “Sean Nichols.”
I closed my eyes for just a moment because I hadn’t expected to feel so overwhelmed by the sound of his name. When I opened them, I found Jerry looking up at me.
“Your son drives a car?” Landyn asked in awe.
“He does,” Jerry said finally, taking his eyes off me and looking back at Landyn. “Your mommy actually has his sign.”
Landyn slowly turned his head enough to look back at the sign I held. It was adorable how he no longer seemed to have as much interest in his red one.