by C. A. Harms
“Do you wanna trade, buddy?” I asked, and his face lit up once again. “Here you go.” I held it out toward him. “You can keep them both.”
“Let’s go pick up our tickets and find our seats,” Molly said with a smile.
I followed close behind as Landyn bounced along at Jerry’s side, peppering him with questions about Sean and his car. When Jerry told Landyn that maybe Sean would let him sit in his car, I stumbled. This was all happening. I was about to watch the guy I’ve loved since I was a child race around a track at high speeds. And after the race, I would be face-to-face with him once again. It excited me and terrified me at the same time, but I feared his rejection most of all.
I didn’t honestly expect a happy reunion filled with tears and hugs, but I hoped it wouldn’t be filled with hate and sadness either.
SEAN
“CAN I ASK you something?” Monty spoke to my left, startling me. I hadn’t even noticed him standing there.
“Sure.” I turned back toward the hustle of the crew running around securing everything.
“What is it about this track that always gets you wound up?”
Even though I gave Monty a hard time like Dirk did me, he was a great guy who always had my best interest’s front and center. He made sure I was safe on the track, at least as much as he could. But he was also apparently more observant of my emotional well-being than I had given him credit for.
“It’s not the track,” I told him. For as much shit as I’ve thrown his way lately, I could at least try to make sense for him of what I was feeling. “I grew up not far from here. It’s what I left behind when I walked away.”
He knew better than to ask if I meant my family because I’d transported my parents to enough of these events across the country for him to know how close I was to them.
“A girl?” he asked.
I nodded because I didn’t really want to go into detail.
Monty was still fishing for information though. “So why didn’t you just bring her with ya?”
My irritation was growing, but I didn’t want to be an asshole because I know he meant well.
“She wasn’t mine to bring,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“But then—”
“You gossiping like a girl isn’t verifying that my car passes all safety checks, is it?” I turned to face him, hoping like hell he’d let it go.
He smirked as he held up his hands and backed away. I knew he wanted to say more, but I also knew he understood when to quit.
I looked over to my right to see Dirk giving me the thumbs-up with a big, cheesy, fucking grin on his face. He was taunting me.
Prick.
I chuckled and shook my head, regaining focus. I listened to the roar of the crowd and the humming of the engines surrounding me, awaiting that one moment when everything felt as if it stood still.
“You got this, Sean.” Monty’s voice came through my headset.
“Hell yeah I do,” I assured him. “Someone needs to have a towel ready for Dirk to dry his tears.”
“Is that right?” Dirk said with a chuckle. “Boy, you’re about to see how a real man drives.”
Hassling one another was our prerace ritual. It eased the tension.
“Head in the game, Sean,” Dirk added, and I knew it was about time.
“You got it,” I told him, tightening my grip on the steering wheel.
It was go time.
The flag was dropped, and the roar of the engines was all I could hear. To some it may have been noise, but to me it was my calm. The sound made me feel as if all the wrong in my life no longer existed. Because for the duration of the race, I was in control and I felt like nothing could touch me.
I had it all.
JENNY
I HAD NEVER seen Landyn so excited.
Our seats were absolutely amazing, but the most enjoyable part of today was how Jerry seemed to bond with my son. He held him on his lap during the race and explained everything that was happening on the track.
Each time the bright yellow car passed, I swear I held my breath. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t control the reaction.
At one point the group behind us began talking about Sean and how he had come out of nowhere, surprising everyone. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. We may not have been close over the last six years—hell, we may not have even shared one phone call—but knowing he had made his dream come true was the greatest feeling.
I remember him talking about wanting to be a NASCAR driver back when we were kids. Robby would always blow it off with a laugh and maybe a “yeah, in your dreams,” but I knew if anyone could do it, Sean could.
And now here he was, making his dreams come true.
“You okay?” Molly asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I nodded but kept my eyes on the yellow car that was once again rounding the corner and coming back in our direction.
“It’s exciting, isn’t it?” she asked.
“Yes.” I tried to keep the emotions at bay, but it was too hard. I turned to face her, tears clouding my vision. “Everything about today has been amazing, and I can’t thank you all enough for inviting us along.”
“You know it’s not too late,” she said, “to find happiness.”
Even though she’d obviously seen the bruises on my face when I picked up my prescription, Molly and I hadn’t talked about what had happened between Robby and me.
But I wasn’t sure I could handle that conversation right now.
“I always thought you and Sean would end up together.” The burning feeling in my chest rose as she continued. “He was so enamored of you. So in awe of everything Jenny.”
Tears escaped, and I quickly tried to hide them.
“He would come home every day tell us all what you did that day, and even though Robby was part of his stories, it was always you he’d smile over.” Molly too had tears in her eyes.
“He never said anything,” I whispered.
“I know, and that was where he was wrong,” she replied. “When he went away that summer, I remember him telling me, ‘When I get back, I’m gonna tell Jenny how I feel.’”
My heart sank as I remember the summer he was gone; the summer I gave in to teenage hormones and everything changed.
“But we all know the rest of the story,” she said as she hugged me close.
“Just know that he may be still hurt and angry over the events of that summer, but he does still love you, Jenny. I think he always will,” Molly said as she sat up straight. “No matter what, or where you end up a year from now, you still deserve your happy ending.”
Even though that conversation couldn’t have lasted more than three minutes, I felt drained. I had my chance at being happy six years ago, and I let Sean walk away without a fight. I made my bed, and now the only choice I had left was to lie in it.
“Last lap, little man!” I was jarred out of my emotional haze by Jerry and Landyn’s excited shouting. “Look at number 44.”
“Go, go!” Landyn chanted as he bounced on Jerry’s knees.
Adrenaline coursed through us as Sean wove in and out of the cars near him. As he edged closer to the front, I squeezed the sides of my seat. It was one of those moments of tunnel vision, when everything fades and your focus remains solely on one thing.
The checkered flag waved, and the crowd roared and surged to their feet cheering. It was so loud yet I didn’t mind the noise.
Sean had come in second, just behind the driver I now knew as Dirk. Now I may know very little about racing, but I knew that had to be a good thing.
And by the smiles on Jerry and Molly’s faces, I knew it was, in fact, a great thing.
As the crowd slowly began to disperse, we moved toward the track.
Jerry flashed his pass and shook hands with a guy that stood guard at the gates.
“The boy did well,” he told Jerry.
“Hell yeah he did,” Jerry replied with such pride.
“Go on back
and he’ll be out shortly, I’m sure.” The man moved the gate and allowed us all to pass through.
I felt like my feet were made of lead as I tried to keep up. Everything inside me was shouting, “You don’t deserve this, you need to leave.” But each time I looked down at my son and saw the mesmerized look in his eyes, I knew I had to keep going because I’d never be able to give him this type of experience again.
He deserved this, no matter what it would cost me.
I stood back as Jerry showed Landyn everything he could about the car and Sean’s pit crew. He spoke highly of the men I now knew were responsible for keeping Sean safe. I couldn’t help but laugh when one of them lifted Landyn up and sat him on a large stack of tires so Molly could take a picture.
The rev of an engine caught my attention just as the yellow car, driven by the man I had missed for far too long, pulled into the area where all the drivers and their teams were gathered and came to a stop.
My heart hammered so hard in my chest I felt as if it was impossible to breathe. Each second seemed to pass in slow motion. Each beat of my heart felt like it echoed in my ears.
I watched as the tall driver in a yellow jumpsuit climbed out of the car and began unfastening his helmet. My hands shook, and I fisted them at my sides to hide the tremors. As the same brown hair I remembered from his adolescent years appeared, I longed to touch it. In that moment I felt as if I could almost feel its softness. I couldn’t help but remember the days we lay by the lake on his parents’ land after going for a swim and I’d comb my fingered through his wet hair.
Only the young boy I once knew had since been replaced with a man. A gloriously fit man with bulging muscles and strong shoulders. Sean had always been very easy on the eyes, and the body beneath his fitted suit was one of perfection. I’d always loved his height, and the build he had now only enhanced his appeal. He had a sweet smile, a dimple in his left cheek, and the most gorgeous brown eyes I had ever seen. They were so warm and soothing.
He was like a fine wine that only improved with age.
My stomach was in knots. I knew seeing him again would be hard, but “hard” didn’t even begin to describe it. I could never have prepared myself for the emotional impact of seeing Sean after six years. The feeling was great pleasure and sorrow wrapped up in a crazy package. I wanted to run to him and hug him, yet I knew that would be the worst possible thing I could do.
So instead I stepped back a little farther, hiding in the crowd that swarmed him and admiring him from afar.
His parents crowded him, offering their praise. Pride illuminated their faces as they looked at the man they raised. The sight made my eyes sting with tears.
Sean deserved every bit of this fame.
“Congratulations, son,” Jerry said as he offered Sean a manly, one-armed hug.
The smile Sean offered him was one I had dreamed of often. From the way it reached his eyes, you just knew it was genuine.
I was so caught up in the moment I didn’t notice Landyn step forward and begin tugging on Sean’s pant leg until it was too late.
“Hey there, little man,” Sean said as he leaned his six-foot-two frame down. Placing one knee to the ground, he leaned in close to Landyn. “What’s your name?”
This was one of those moments when I wished I hadn’t worked so hard to teach Landyn his full name. Because I knew what he was about to say was going to be a slap in Sean’s face.
“Landyn Thomas Whiteman,” he stated proudly before I could do anything to stop him. My sweet little boy missed the flinch in Sean’s stance, but I didn’t.
Sean lifted his head and began scanning the crowd. His eyebrows creased in confusion mixed with irritation.
And then his gaze landed on me. I was still trying to hide in the crowd, but I knew he had found me.
He shook his head, let it fall forward, and looked at the ground for a moment before looking back at my son. “It’s good to meet you, Landyn.” He no longer sounded like the strong, confident driver we all saw only moments ago. “I need to do a few things, but maybe I can show you my car in a bit. Would you like that?”
Landyn nodded enthusiastically.
And just like that, Sean straightened up and walked away, taking yet another piece of my heart with him.
SEAN
MY HEART WAS racing, my palms were sweating, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling as torn as I did now. Part of me wanted to stand up and hold her and tell her that I missed her. That I’ve felt empty inside every day since I left her standing alone staring after me.
I wanted to say that over the years I’d wanted to share parts of my life with her so many times, that being away from her was one of the hardest things I had ever been forced to do.
But part of me still hurt from her betrayal.
I felt like I was gonna throw up. I never expected Jenny to show up here, yet here she was, showing up at my race to throw her kid in my face. A kid she had with a guy who knew how I felt about her, but never let it stop him from taking her.
My hands shook as I walked away from my parents, feeling as if I may lose my shit and unsure of where I’d planned to go in the first place. I didn’t like feeling out of control, but at the moment I didn’t know how to react.
“Sean.”
I froze when I heard my name. I didn’t have to turn around to know who was behind me. I’d heard her voice many times in the dream that played in my head for years. Growing up, I’d spent several summer days listening to the sounds of her words, the soothing melody of her humming next to the lake. There was no way to mistake that soft, sweet tone for anyone else.
Her voice used to calm me; it used to make me feel like everything was okay, even if it wasn’t. But in this moment, it only made me feel even more unsure.
“Please,” she said, and it only infuriated me.
“Please what?” I said, spinning around to face her. I fisted my hands at my sides, because I wanted to grab her and ask what the hell she needed from me. Hadn’t she and Robby destroyed me enough six years ago? Why the fuck was she doing this? Did she need to make sure I was still miserable and alone?
She tucked her chin toward her chest, and I knew she was trying to hide her emotions. I was thankful because I’d never been very good at dealing with Jenny’s tears. I always wanted to fix whatever had upset her, but this time I couldn’t. I wanted to be pissed. It was the one sure way of protecting my heart. Or so I thought.
“I didn’t come to ruin your day,” she whispered.
“Then why did you come? Because it sure as hell feels like a punch to the gut,” I said, unsure of why I actually cared.
She looked so timid and small standing before me. She had changed so much, yet she was still the same blonde beauty I’d been in awe of all those years ago. She was fuller now, curvy, yet still unbelievable gorgeous.
“At first it was a chance to get away, a chance to maybe say I was sorry for all the hurt I caused you.” She paused, taking in a deep breath, still unable to look at me, which instantly made the guilt rise in my chest from snapping at her only moments ago. I hadn’t meant to be so blunt. The rush of the surprise mixed with all the feelings I’d been bottling up for years had just taken me over.
“I actually debated backing out a number of times, but Landyn was so excited about his first real race. We don’t do things like this, ever.” She finally looked up, and I swear I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach by a mule. The mark that tainted her beautiful face may have been faint, but I could still see it. Like it was screaming out at me.
“I just didn’t want to disappoint him. But we can go now.”
I took a step toward her, no longer caring why she’d shown up.
“He just wanted to meet some of the drivers, maybe sit in one of the cars,” she added.
Fury had filled my lungs, spilling over into my chest and filtering up my throat. I wanted to find the bastard and kill him myself. I had never felt murderous, but at this point I could feel my body beginning to shake
with rage.
“But if you’d rather we go now, then I can just tell him he’s not allowed.”
I knew if I spoke I would scare her, because I was actually scaring myself.
I placed my palms against her cheeks, forcing her to look directly at me. She looked back with surprise mixed with confusion. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her lower lip began to tremble.
She placed her hands over mine, closing her eyes, as if to take the opportunity to calm herself.
“Did he hit you?” I asked.
Her eyes flew open in surprise.
My voice trembled, no longer from the emotional rush seeing her here, but with anger. Not at her but at Robby. “I asked you a question,” I said, and she jumped in surprise. Jenny nodded slowly, and I took in a deep breath. I had hoped I was wrong.
I didn’t want to feel the things I was feeling now, because Jenny was no longer my problem. But I was having a real hard time convincing my heart of that. Never once had I even imagined that son of a bitch would lay a hand on her. Had that thought even crossed my mind, I would have taken her with me, whether or not she was married to him and having his child.
Jenny didn’t deserve a life of fear and abuse.
“It was the first and only time,” she stated.
First time or tenth, that piece of shit was going to pay for ever laying a hand on her.
“You do know that’s what most battered women say after the first time their husbands hit them. Then they repeat it the second, third, fourth, and fifth time.” Was she honestly that naïve?
The Jenny I knew never would have been a man’s punching bag. She had been under her daddy’s hateful watch far too long for that.
“I filed a restraining order against him,” she said as she lowered her hands and stepped back out of my grasp. “You know me better than that.”
“Not anymore.” I said it before I could stop the words. But it was true. We both had obviously changed during our time apart.
“You left,” she said as if that was explanation enough for why I no longer knew the girl I once thought would always be a part of my life.