by C. A. Harms
“As if I had a choice,” I told her. “What was I supposed to do, stay and watch a guy I thought was my best friend get the one girl I—”
“The one girl you what?” she asked.
I think by now she knew the true reason I left.
I ran my hands through my hair roughly and took in a deep breath, ignoring her question. Why did seeing her still hurt so much?
“Listen.” I looked around us, suddenly feeling as if I needed some distance. “I got some things to finish up. But take your son over to Dirk and tell him that he’s a big fan. He’ll take a picture with him, give him an autograph, the whole works.” I tried to ignore the hurt look in her eyes. I just didn’t have it in me to play as if things were all good, at least not yet.
“I think he’d rather see you,” she said with a shrug. “Your dad sort of spent the entire race talking you up, and now I think Landyn is awestruck by you.”
I wanted to be able to handle it, I did, but the reality of our situation was too much.
She stepped closer. “I know I hurt you, but I never meant to.” She placed her hand against my chest, and I felt like it was burning a hole through my suit. I had always wanted her to be the woman that consoled me in the times I needed it most.
“If I could go back and change things . . . ,” she whispered.
“But you can’t.”
“I know. But a girl can wish.” I’m not sure if she meant for me to hear that last part.
I swallowed past the knot in my throat.
We stood there for a moment longer just staring at one another as if we were both lost in some imaginary past that never was. In my version, I was the man she chose, and I was the man that got to hold her close and keep her safe. The vision made my heart ache so much I couldn’t stand it.
“Well, uh.” I cleared my throat and stepped back to gain some much-needed distance. “I gotta go, but—” I once again attempted to clear my throat. “I’ll try to get back before you take off.”
I backed away, and she nodded, still trying her best to seem unaffected. But she was right. I knew her and I could see right through the mask she wore. And the sadness behind it almost made me go against what my head was telling me.
Almost.
I don’t know how much time had passed as I sat back and watched Dirk interact with Jenny’s son. I even caught myself smiling a few times at the way the little boy giggled and mimicked his stance.
They took pictures together, and at one point he even placed the little guy inside the car and allowed him to sit there for a while as he showed him the controls.
Everything inside me was saying to turn around and walk away, but I knew my parents would also feel rejected if I did. I couldn’t do that to them.
And if I’m being truthful, I couldn’t do that to Jenny either. I just didn’t have it in me to leave things as they now were. Seeing her only confirmed my feelings for her hadn’t changed or weakened.
So I took in one last, deep breath and moved toward them. Immediately my mother looked at me. I swear the woman had eyes in the back of her head. She smiled wide as I stepped up beside her and placed my arm around her shoulder.
“He is loving this,” she said, looking at the little boy.
“I can see that,” I replied, looking forward so I wouldn’t see Jenny. I wasn’t ready to face her. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep my distance if I looked.
Maybe I was being a pussy, but hell, seeing her here after all this time just made it harder to face the truth—that I’d let the only girl I’d ever truly love slip through my fingers.
“Hey, look who finally decided to come out of the shadows,” Dirk hollered with a smirk.
“I figured I’d let you play hero for a while,” I threw back, and he laughed.
“Whatcha mean ‘play’? Son, I am the hero,” he antagonized me. He sure knew how to goad me and push me out of my comfort zone. I should have let it go, only my ego wouldn’t allow it.
“Wanna bet?” I asked as I cocked a brow at him.
He didn’t reply, and that should have been my first signal that he somehow knew what was going on between me and Jenny. But I was in the mood to win, so I moved forward, dropping my hand from my mother’s shoulders.
“Hey, little man,” I hollered, and Landyn looked up from his seat behind the wheel of Dirk’s car. “You ready to sit in a real man’s car?”
I’d never seen anyone move faster. The little dude was already squirming out of the car window, and for a second I thought he was going to face-plant on the ground. I snatched him up just before he threw his leg over the side. He was like a slippery fish as he wiggled around in my arms, trying to get his feet on the ground.
I continued to hold him as laughter fell from my lips. It felt good to laugh freely after what had happened this afternoon.
Once I had him positioned in my arms where I could finally see his face, he looked up at me with wide eyes.
“You’re wiggly,” I said with a smile.
His eyes remained locked on mine, and ever so slowly he smiled back at me. “Yep,” he said proudly, “Mommy said I’m a wiggle worm.”
I chuckled, and without pause I looked up to find Jenny in the crowd. She looked at me unsurely as a sad smile pulled at her lips. I knew I was part of the reason she felt sad right now, and nothing about that felt right.
“Well, your momma’s right,” I said without looking away from Jenny. “What do ya say, Mom, you wanna take this wiggle worm to see a real racecar?”
I knew I may be playing with fire, but I’d never been real good at saying no when sticking to the rules. Even if those rules were some I developed on my own. And really, what would it hurt to allow her in just a little?
We could be friends again. How hard could it be?
Jenny nodded as she stepped forward, and we walked together toward my car, which sat just beside the trailer. When she tickled her son’s stomach and his laughter filled the air, her sweet smile grew wide. In that moment I realized being friends with Jenny was going to be a lot harder than any other task I’d tried. Because that uncontrollable urge to touch her, to taste her once again was hammering in my head as loud as an engine.
JENNY
I WASN’T SURE what this meant, but it was a start. At least we were standing within a few feet of each other and both wearing smiles on our faces. Even if those smiles were brought on by my little boy.
But I’d take what I could get.
“Momma, look,” Landyn hollered as Sean lowered him into his car through the passenger window. He sat down and smiled bigger than I had seen him smile in weeks.
Sean then walked around to the other side and climbed in through the driver’s door. At first, I figured he was doing it to give Landyn a hands-on demonstration of how the car worked, but when he fired up the engine, I panicked.
And Sean must have noticed the look on my face, because he laughed and pointed toward the trailer only a few feet away. “Just putting it away, Mom,” he assured me, and I slowly nodded, hoping I hadn’t just given him permission to take my son on a wild ride.
I stepped back and watched as he pulled forward and made a big circle before aligning the front of his car with the ramp that led up into the trailer attached to a semitruck. Each time he revved the engine, Landyn threw his hands up in the air with delight. And my heart lurched with each loud roar. I looked back over my shoulder and saw we had an audience. Sean’s parents, Mr. Wickers, and even Dirk were now watching the interaction between Sean and Landyn.
In the back of my mind, I knew he would never hurt my son or place him in danger. Sean was the same sweet guy I’d known for most of my life. Even though he put up a good act of being hard and distant, I could see through it.
Who were we kidding to think six years changed who we were?
“Momma!” I turned back to see Landyn running toward me. “Did you see me?”
“I did,” I said, reaching out to tousle his hair. “It looked like a lot of fun.”
> “You should do it too,” he insisted, taking my hand and pulling me toward the trailer.
“No, buddy,” I told him. “Today was for you.”
“Are you still sad?” he asked as he looked up at me with concern. “I don’t like when you’re sad.”
In that moment I realized my son had probably seen me upset more times than not in his short little life. And that recognition was heartbreaking. I hugged him tightly. “You make me happy, Landyn. And, no, Mommy isn’t sad again. I promise you things will be different now. No more sadness, only happy times.”
He smiled wide, seeming to be pleased with my announcement.
I caught movement over his shoulder and looked up to find Sean standing only a few feet away, silently observing us.
I felt like he could see right through me. It had always been that way with Sean. He was the one person I could never hide from. He knew me too well. And no matter what he said, time had not changed that. The way he watched me as I continued to hold my son assured me that he still had that ability.
The connection I still felt to him terrified me. With one look, one smile, he made me feel so safe.
But it would all end the moment he left Texas. I wasn’t delusional enough to believe he had come to save me. But it felt nice to live in that fantasy even for just a moment.
I listened to Landyn beg Sean to ride back to Irving with us for over thirty minutes. And each time I insisted he leave Sean alone, he only pushed harder.
I wasn’t blind. I could tell the mere thought of being trapped in the close quarters of my car with me nearly sent Sean into a panic, and I was trying to give him an out.
But I have, I believe, the most persistent son in the world. So here I was, driving along the interstate in my Ford Fusion with a huge, tattooed man at my side. It was like trying to make a boulder fit inside a teacup. My car was clearly too small for Sean to be comfortable in anyway.
“Thank you for riding with him,” I said without taking my eyes off the road ahead. “He obviously idolizes you.”
“He’s a good kid,” Sean replied.
I took a chance and glanced over at him, only to find he was staring out the window at his side.
We were back to square one, it seemed. For the last twenty miles, I received grunts and one-word answers to everything I said. Had it not been for my six-year-old son sitting in the backseat, I would’ve pulled over, flagged down Sean’s parents, and forced them to take their son.
I didn’t like the strange, distant feeling between us. Why did it have to be so hard for Sean and I to just talk? This trip felt like it was taking twice as long as getting to the track did, and I knew it had absolutely nothing to do with the route I took or the distance traveled.
Landyn lasted until the last ten miles before he gave in to exhaustion. Then I could finally say what had been on my mind since we left the track.
“You do know I was trying to give you an out, don’t you?” Sean looked over this time, and I looked back toward the highway. “You could have just told him you had things to finish up or something.”
“So you’re telling me I should have lied to your kid?” His tone was sharp and accusing.
“I just meant that if you wanted to get out of riding with us, you could have said anything and I would have finally dragged him away.” I didn’t want to argue with Sean; I only wanted to explain.
“And disappoint him?” he replied with a cock of his brow. “Don’t you think he’s had enough disappointment in his life already?”
I felt like I’d just been slapped.
“That’s not fair, Sean.” I gripped the wheel tighter as I tried not to cry.
“No, it’s not fair. Life’s not fair, I learned that a long time ago.” I took a chance and looked at him, only to find that he’d turned in the seat and was finally looking at me.
“People lie, people cheat, and people screw the ones you love behind your back,” he added.
His words stung me. It was as if he’d saved them up all afternoon just waiting for the chance to throw them at me.
“You chose this life for him,” he went on, cutting me deeper. “You chose the man who fathered him. And you did it all knowing I was less than five hundred miles away and that when I returned and found out, it would break my fucking heart.”
“I didn’t know,” I said.
“Bullshit.” He spoke calmly and evenly, but the disappointment and hurt in his eyes made my stomach ache with each word. “You knew I cared about you, and I’ll never be convinced that you felt we were just friends. My entire life, day in and day out, revolved around you for years. You always came first to me.”
“Sean, I—”
“When I came back that summer, you both tried to hide what had happened, but I knew. I knew the moment I looked at the two of you that things had changed. But I spent those few weeks thinking I’d done something wrong to upset you. Trying to convince myself I was just imagining things and you would never do that to me.” He looked away and took in a deep breath. “You broke my heart, Jenny,” he whispered, “and the night before I left, you finished me off.”
Tears rolled over my cheeks as I pulled off to the side of the old country road that led into Irving. It was dark by then, and my tears made it harder to see.
“I knew I made a mistake the moment it happened,” I confessed.
“Then why?” he asked. “Why did you do it in the first place? What the hell did Robby have that I didn’t?” I looked at him, but he was still looking ahead.
That was the thing: Robby was nothing compared to Sean.
“I was young—and stupid,” I told him, hoping he’d just look at me. I knew it would hurt when he and I finally talked, but no amount of preparation could have prepared me for this. “My dad and I had just gotten into a huge fight, and I ran out to the lake you and I always went to, just to get some silence.” I wasn’t sure how much detail he wanted, so I chose to just summarize. “I’d been there about an hour when Robby showed up with a bottle of whiskey he stole from his dad. I knew it was wrong, but you were gone and—”
“So it’s my fault?” he asked, finally looking at me.
Shaking my head, I tried to keep his attention. “No, it was mine, because I wanted the connection I’d had with you all those years, and I searched for it in Robby. I knew his feelings for me were one-sided and he didn’t have genuine concern for me, but for a moment I felt peace. Only when it was over and I began to sober up, I realized I’d made the worst mistake possible.”
My lower lipped trembled as I took his hand. He hesitated, but I didn’t let it stop me. “Yes, I lost my virginity that night, and that wasn’t even the worst part.” He tried to look away, but I placed my hand against his cheek and turned his face back toward me. “The worst thing about it all was that I knew in that moment I had lost you. It was the end of what we had, and you didn’t even know it yet. Nothing in my life has ever hurt more than losing our friendship. The day you left, I knew what I’d felt for you wasn’t just a simple crush, but so much more, and that I ruined everything we could’ve been together.”
“Jenny.” He closed his eyes, trying to hold himself together. “We can’t do this,” he said, yet I could sense the hesitation in his voice.
His words said one thing, but the way he leaned into my touch said he still felt the same connection I felt for him. I knew that deep down beneath all that hate and anger he still cared for me. Whether his feelings were friendship or something more, I would do whatever it took to have Sean in my life.
Because the pain of living without him was too hard to bear.
SEAN
I’D DONE THIS to myself. I’d thrown myself into the middle of one of the most emotional, heartbreaking situations I’d ever been in. I should have walked away the moment I saw them all sharing a moment with Dirk. But no, I just had to one-up him.
Now here I was, baring my broken heart to the girl who shattered it. And I couldn’t look at her. I remained frozen, my eyes closed
tight as I tried to rebuild that wall I put up years ago.
But with her hand resting on my cheek, her words rolling around in my mind, and the sweet scent of her perfume filling the car, I couldn’t think. I knew if I opened my eyes, I’d be done for. I’d be at the mercy of this gorgeous girl who still made my heart race.
“Sean,” she whispered, and I took in a deep breath.
The ringing of a phone startled us both, and I was instantly thankful for the interruption.
I ran my hand over my face and sat back in the seat, taking the opportunity to regain my composure. She dug through her purse to find the phone and quickly answered it.
“Hello?”
I looked over to find her eyes were again on me. I swallowed hard, trying not to be obvious about the way she made me feel with one look.
“What?” she asked, her tone full of worry. “How bad is it?”
She now had my full attention for different reasons than before.
“I’m only a few minutes away. Are you still there?” She paused to listen. “Okay,” she said in a defeated tone. “Thanks, Lisa.”
After she hung up, she hung her head and took in a deep breath.
“What is it?” I asked, but she didn’t lift her head. “Jenny.” I touched her leg. “What’s going on?”
After another minute she lifted her head and stared forward as she fought back tears. I could see she was struggling to stay strong.
“Apparently I had a visitor while I was out,” she said before taking another deep breath. “They kicked in my front door, trashed the place, and threw my kitchen table through the front window. But since no one saw who did it, there’s no one to arrest. But I’ll give you one guess as to who’s responsible.”
“How did Lisa know?” I asked, still not knowing who the hell Lisa was.
“She’s my closest neighbor, and she walks her dogs every night around the same time.” I wanted to reach out and pull her close, offering support, but I remained still. “She saw my front door open and the table hanging half out the window and called the sheriff.”