The Guestbook

by Holly Martin

  Although comments in the papers can be taken with a pinch of salt, photos don’t lie. For months after your husband died you and Oliver were pictured walking hand in hand along the beach. He stayed in your house every night. Don’t tell me that nothing happened between you. Many critics believe this ‘relationship’ with Vivienne was Oliver’s attempt to get the press to leave you alone.

  Nothing happened. We’re friends, that’s it. When Nick died I fell apart, Oliver stayed to help pick up the pieces.

  Gemma, you are a guest in Annie’s house. Just because you have paid for a week’s accommodation doesn’t give you the right to give her the third degree about her private life or to be bitchy about her or Oliver.

  Sophia Lorenzo, Cleaner.

  It’s fine Sophia. People will always be interested in Oliver Black. Wells-next-the-sea and the people he grew up with will naturally be of interest too. People will make their own minds up about him with or without my help.

  My apologies if my comments hurt you, that wasn’t my intention. My brain has become addled with worthless gossip since I’ve been on maternity leave and living next door to you for a week and therefore Oliver Black by proxy, is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.

  Apart from getting married and giving birth to Charlie of course. Apologies Annie, my wife is not normally this blood thirsty for inane gossip. Sitting at home with Charlie all day has sent her doolally. Your house is lovely and we are having a lovely time enjoying the beach.

  Sean Chadwick.

  Thursday:

  Speaking of Oliver Black, he has made it back into gossip in chief magazine ‘Purple Moon’ again. He and Vivienne were seen having a row in Covent Garden last week. Seems the ‘very much in love’ couple are not quite as in love as you thought.

  Sorry I’m at it again.

  Friday:

  I’m determined my last few messages are going to be gossip free. Charlie is loving the beach; he loves the waves and paddling in the shallows. He loves the sand, so much he is even trying to eat it.

  Have just seen Annie with a very huge, very fit man out on the green. I’m guessing this is Barney. They looked very much together so I guess she did sleep with him on Saturday.

  Sorry, I just can’t seem to stop.

  Saturday:

  Thanks Annie, we’ve had a great week. Good luck with the whole Barney/Oliver debacle. It’s been brilliant to get the inside scoop.

  I’m so glad my life has entertained you.

  **********

  31st May – 2nd June

  Jacqualyn, Mark and Alfie Rumsey.

  A lovely weekend planned with my favourite boys.

  Jac Rumsey

  I think we were supposed to be booked in for last weekend over the bank holiday but I think Mark got the dates mixed up. He assures me he meant to book this weekend all along. I’m also on maternity leave with Alfie so it doesn’t affect me but he’s had to book a day off work now.

  Jac

  My husband has left the papoose at home.

  And the baby formula

  And the changing bag

  Ha and his own clothes.

  YOU SAID YOU HAD PACKED THE CAR.

  With the stuff that you put by the door. You said that was everything.

  KEITH HAS SAID HE’LL BRING UP THE REST OF OUR STUFF, KIP ON OUR SOFA AND DRIVE BACK TOMORROW.

  Good for you, or you’d be driving back to collect it.

  Just popped by to see if you’re all settled in. I’ll make up the spare bedroom for your friend Keith; I wouldn’t want him to sleep on the sofa. Michael and Shellie Atkinson at number 12 have a child about six months older than Alfie. They have kept all the stuff in case they have a second child. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind lending it to you for the duration of your stay, might save Keith the journey. I will ask them for you. Though I can’t do anything about Mark’s clothes.

  Annie x

  Thanks Annie. We’ve just got back from a walk and Keith is already on his way. If he leaves any baby stuff behind we’ll let you know and we’ll borrow what we need from the Atkinsons. If he leaves Mark’s clothes behind we may have to steal some clothes from the scarecrow in the field.

  Jac.

  Oooh naked scarecrows, interesting.

  Keith to the rescue once more. I’ve brought everything that you asked me to and locked the kitchen window of your house as it was left open. I turned the iron off as that was still on and threw away a very mouldy loaf of bread.

  Keith

  Mark!!!!!

  Sunday:

  Breakfast a la Jac. I hope Mark forgets his stuff more often if I get rewarded like this. I’m sticking around for a morning on the beach with my godson and the famous Rumsey Roast this afternoon then I’ll be making my way back home.

  Keith

  THANKS BOYO. HAVE YOU SEEN MY IPHONE, IT SEEMS TO HAVE GONE MISSING.

  MARK

  Monday:

  I really do love my husband. He took Alfie out for a walk this morning so I could sleep in and even brought me breakfast in bed.

  We’ve had a lovely weekend. The Frog and Rhubarb has amazing food.

  Thanks Annie

  **********

  6th – 8th June

  Max, Jade, Lottie and Oz

  We are scuba diving down at Blakney and Cley tomorrow. So a few beers tonight down the Frog before our very early start in the morning to catch low tide.

  Max

  The diving here is quite spectacular, some of the deeper dives further off shore are amazing but as Lottie and Oz are relatively new to the sport we are keeping to some of the shallower dives this weekend. The vis would be better in the autumn when the water is cooler, but still it should be a good dive.

  Jade

  AND THE BEERS ARE AN INTEGRAL PART TO ANY DIVING WEEKEND

  OZ

  Saturday:

  Urgh, it’s so early.

  Lottie

  Lottie, welcome to the life of a diver, we are ruled by the tides.

  Max.

  But why do the tides have to be so early.

  It’ll totally be worth it. Your first sea dive, are you excited?

  Jade

  A bit scared, but yes very excited.

  We will take care of you, besides all the dives this weekend are very shallow. Nothing will go wrong I promise. Now go and get your boyfriend out of bed.

  WE’VE JUST GOT BACK FROM DIVING THE VERA, QUICK BITE OF LUNCH BEFORE WE HEAD OUT TO CATCH THE AFTERNOON’S LOW TIDE ON THE AMBERLEY.

  OZ

  THE VERA WAS AMAZING, SO MUCH SEA LIFE. IT COLLIDED AND SANK IN 1915 AND THE TIDES HAVE BROKEN IT UP QUITE BADLY BUT IT’S SHALLOW ENOUGH TO GET SOME AMAZING PHOTOS. THERE WERE CRABS, DEAD MEN’S FINGERS AND LOADS OF ANEMONES. ALSO LOADS OF BASS TOO.

  I’m so glad Jade told me to bring cocktail sausages with us on the dive; hand feeding the bass was so fantastic. Max and Jade stayed close to us, but it helped that I could still see the surface throughout the dive

  Lottie

  Pipefish, sunstars, crystal sea slugs; what a great dive. The newbies did very well on their first sea dive. Took some excellent photos of the rib cage of The Vera.

  Jade

  Come on, the Amberley is a calling. Your first dive from a boat, should be interesting.

  Max

  SUNDAY:

  WE GOT BACK LATE LAST NIGHT. AFTER THE HUGE BUZZ OF DIVING ON THE AMBERLEY WE HIT THE PUB TO CELEBRATE. WE MISSED LOW TIDE THIS MORNING ON THE ROSALIE BUT CAUGHT IT THIS AFTERNOON FOR ANOTHER SPECTACULAR DIVE. I COULD GET USED TO THIS. BLOODY FREEZING THOUGH EVEN IN OUR DRY SUITS.

  OZ

  **********

  20th – 23rd June

  Verity Forbes

  I would prefer to be called by my full name, Verity the Voyeur.

  Erm, ok.

  I am here because Norfolk has lots of ghost stories associated with its history; sailors from the past that have crashed onto these shores, Victorians, Stuarts, Tudors, I can feel them all. Chalk Hil
l is built on the crossing of several ley lines and because of this it becomes a gathering of trapped spirits.

  With the Summer Solstice this weekend, spiritual activity will be at its highest

  My spirit guide, Arron Davenport, has told me that the village green especially will be the place to meet some of these characters from the past. I can’t wait to get started.

  I feel I should explain more about Arron Davenport, I don’t want to come across as a mad woman. Arron was a captain of the 17th century frigate The Grey Horse, who explored the cold northern countries for King Charles. He wasn’t very successful. On his first outing he crashed the boat on some rocks and the entire crew were drowned. Arron has since told me that his heart lay in farming and he only became a sailor because his father was before him. His father was also killed at sea, when he accidentally fired a canon on his own ship and the boat sank without trace. Records are not clear how he managed to fire a canon at his own ship, but clearly the Davenports were not that skilled in the sailing department. I found Arron when I was doing a séance, he spoke to me and although we don’t get on all that well, we have become good companions.

  Arron is not happy that I have been insulting his skills as a sailor. But the facts are a matter of public record.

  I’m going for a walk now to get a feel for the area before tomorrow’s big ceremony.

  Annie, do you know if I will be allowed to light a fire on the village green?

  We have had barbeques and fires on the green before, so I don’t see why not. We are quite laid back here; most people will barely bat an eye lid.

  Annie x

  That’s good.

  Just got back from my walk. The place is buzzing with psychic energy. There are so many ghosts here. I’m going to hold a séance on the village green later to see if I can communicate with any of them.

  There were three spirits I spoke with tonight; one especially was concerned about an engagement ring that was found on the beach. She wants it returned to the sea where the bodies of her and her lover lie buried beneath the sands. Annie do you know of this engagement ring? If you have it, you can give it to me and I will return it to its rightful owners.

  Do you know a Mary, she was one of the spirits that spoke to me last night, she seemed to know you.

  Saturday:

  The only Mary I know is Mary Gillespie who is alive and kicking and lives on the other side of the green.

  Marie then, or May, or Myra? Sometimes the names don’t come through that clearly.

  No, sorry.

  Well anyway, Mary said that you had to make a tough decision, but you knew in your heart what the right choice was.

  I knew it. Cheese on Toast for lunch it is then.

  Please don’t be scathing about my gift.

  My apologies. It wasn’t my wish to cause offence. I expect lots of people are having to face a hard decision of some kind at the moment, maybe Mary wanted to speak to one of those. It seems odd that someone I don’t know would try to leave me a message.

  I admit it might seem strange, but the spirit world does work in mysterious ways. It is not my place to question these messages. I am merely a conduit to receive them and pass them on.

  Did Mary say anything else?

  She said that it was hidden in the biscuit tin.

  Right. I’ll bear that in mind.

  The third spirit was more interested in Arron than in talking to me. They spoke about hidden treasure and smuggling. Fascinating stuff really, what could be buried right under our noses.

  I need to prepare for the celebrations tonight. Feel free to join me on the green later for the solstice.

  I’ll certainly be happy to watch for a while.

  I have the candles, the harp and the crystals. I’m very much looking forward to tonight. I just hope the villagers will embrace it and not mock it. The more the merrier.

  Sunday:

  Verity I just came by to see if you were ok after last night. The summer solstice rituals were very interesting and I think many of the villagers would have watched it longer or even joined in, though I don’t think anyone was really prepared for when you stripped naked and danced around the fire. The harp music was beautiful and all the crystals hanging from the trees looked magical. The dancing was … lovely. I think the men of the village especially loved the shaking part. I know you had dressed up for the occasion; it was such a shame that the gold body paint and hair spray was so flammable. Thank god for the quick thinking of Gary from the Darts team who decided leaping on you and rolling you in the grass would put the fire out. It’s a shame that he rolled you into the pond, but that was probably for the best, it did wash off all the duck poo that he had rolled you in after all. You didn’t seem to have any scarring, Gary seemed quite thorough in checking you over, but I’ve left you some Savlon just in case.

  I was so embarrassed. I’m trying to present a professional front to the spirits on the one night of the year that more spirits can pass through to this world and I ended up looking like a drowned rat. Arron thought it was hilarious, he said it was the funniest thing he has seen in the last three hundred and eighty four years. Gary was very sweet about it all.

  I don’t think you looked like a drowned rat, I thought you looked adorable.

  Gary.

  Oh… Hi Gary, I didn’t realise you were still here.

  I was quite shaken up last night, Gary stayed with me to make sure I was ok.

  Thanks for the savlon Annie, I’ll make sure it gets rubbed into some of Verity’s sorer parts.

  Erm… I’ll leave you to it.

  Monday:

  Had a lovely, unexpectedly fantastic weekend. I may see you again soon. Don’t forget to check the biscuit tin.

  **********

  So, now she’s gone, I have to ask, what was in the biscuit tin?

  Oh Sophia, something wonderful, something amazing.

  Custard Creams?

  Yes and something else.

  Milk chocolate digestives?

  You know me so well.

  Do you not think you should have your customers certifiably checked over by a psychiatrist before you allow them to stay?

  Why? That makes life more interesting.

  I must admit I have never laughed so hard in my entire life when Gary was trying to give her mouth to mouth when she was clearly still alive and kicking. And her harp playing wasn’t what could ever be classed as music.

  No bless her, she might have many gifts but musical ability is not one of them.

  Gary seemed very impressed with the gifts she did have though.

  Very impressed. I thought the groans and shouts I heard on Saturday night and last night was her chanting to the dead, but on hindsight I gather they were something else.

  **********

  28th June – 5th July

  Vivienne Lake Penelope Pitstop

  Hi Penelope. Just to let you know, I won’t be here after Tuesday. I’m going to stay with my friend Hetty in Tenby for a week or so before the peak season hits. Apparently she has a rather lovely gardener called Connor that I really need to meet!!! After you I don’t have another booking till late July, so I’m going to make the most of it.

  Sophia Lorenzo lives at number three, the pink cottage across the green, she will be around if there are any problems.

  I know your friend will be joining you later on in the week. I presume you don’t want the other bedroom made up?

  Annie x

  AW ANNIE, PENELOPE PITSTOP? COULDN’T I BE JESSICA RABBIT INSTEAD?

  VIV X

  AND NO, ONE BED WILL BE FINE.

  You certainly have the figure to be Jessica Rabbit, but Penelope Pitstop has those great white boots and the funky car, besides she has spirit, Jessica Rabbit is underhanded and deceiving.

  FAIR POINT. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO A LONG WEEK OF RELAXATION. I HAVEN’T STOPPED FOR THE PAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS. FILMING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN BUT EXHAUSTING.

  Just be thankful Olly wasn’t di
recting or producing his own book, it would have taken five years for him to be happy with the final result.

  HE IS A PERFECTIONIST.

  And he’s going out with you?

  HAHA! YOU DO MAKE ME LAUGH ANNIE. IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

  How are things between you two anyway?

  IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND? AWAY FROM THE PRESS WE’RE GETTING ON FINE, HE MAKES ME LAUGH THOUGH HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT MY TYPE!! IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS, FOR THE SAKE OF THE PAPARAZZI, THINGS BETWEEN ME AND THE GREAT OLIVER BLACK ARE STARTING TO BECOME A BIT STRAINED. THE PAPS DO LOVE A BIT OF DRAMA. THOUGH TO BE HONEST THE STRAIN RECENTLY FROM HIM IS MORE REAL THAN I’D LIKE. THE MAN NEEDS TO GET LAID, HE HASN’T BEEN WITH A WOMAN FOR OVER TWO YEARS.