A Girl Like Lilac

by Victoria L. James

  “Okay, I’ll go,” he said, his voice torn and frayed around the edges.

  Joel turned his back on me, and just the sight of his retreating form had me swallowing harshly.

  He’d never turned his back on me before, never so much as let himself look weak or out of control in my presence. He sure as hell hadn’t ever listened to my demands, either. Something felt off. Strangely off.

  “Joel?”

  He turned to look over his shoulder, sadness pouring out of his exhausted eyes.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “I just…” Joel turned fully, blinking in quick succession before he ground his thumb into one eye. “I didn’t know what guilt felt like, you know? The power of it. It takes your breath away, doesn’t it? And the older you get—the further away you get from who you were back then—the more it hurts.” His voice broke again, causing him to cough it clear and scrunch his face up in agony.

  “Guilt?”

  “Don’t you feel it, Lilac? You were the one who pushed Chris that day. Don’t you feel guilty for being free when he’s dead, and Toby’s stuck in there?”

  My eyes widened in surprise, but I didn’t look away. I couldn’t. “Every day,” I eventually told him.

  “Good. You should.”

  “So should you, Joel.”

  “Oh, don’t you worry about me. I’m drowning in that shit. Just like Chris, I may as well be dead.”

  “Pity.”

  I should have let him walk away. I should have walked past him, gone inside, asked Caleb for backup and dragged Joel’s arse into the centre of the pub so we could all throw darts at him… I’d dreamt about that very scenario. His public execution. Him being the laughing stock of the whole town.

  But no one ever does what they should in a crisis, do they?

  Carefully setting my stack of glasses and rubbish down, I dusted my hands off on the hoodie covering my stomach and held them there.

  “Why do you feel guilty?”

  Joel’s eyes snapped up to mine—slightly wild like the old days, but too insecure by his new emotions and distress to cause me concern.

  “You know why.”

  “I do, but I want to hear you say it.”

  “You really hate me, don’t you, Lilac?”

  “More than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. Now say it.”

  His eyes searched mine. “We both know Toby didn’t deserve to go to prison.”

  “Nope.”

  “Nobody did.”

  “Nope.”

  “It was never meant to go that far. We were never meant to—”

  “But you did, and now we’re all paying the price for that.”

  “Chris’s death was enough. That should have been the punishment, right? That should have been the end of it all. It should have made us all wake up and realise life is… precious.”

  “That whole night shouldn’t have happened, Joel. You can’t justify what you two threatened me with, what you threatened me with several times, with Chris’s death. You beat the crap out of Toby and left him in hospital, and he didn’t even press charges. He could have, but he didn’t. If your father hadn’t been who he was around here, the supposed protector of our community, I would have dragged you to the police station to press charges against you the very second you made your intentions towards me known. You harassed me for months. Years. I should have made you pay. I want to make you pay now. I should have done it back then, despite who your father was.”

  “Who he was…” Joel scoffed, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “Exactly.”

  I frowned. “What does that mean?”

  “It means he’s a fucking nobody now, doesn’t it? He’s not even around here anymore. He fled the second I went off to Uni. Took my mother with him, too. Set up a nice life in Bath, and now pretends like he never even knew this place existed.”

  Bath. So that’s where he was. Marty and his wife left, telling no one where they were running to. Not that we cared. He was long gone, and his absence was helping Darlene heal—as well as her marriage to Wayne. Despite Toby being in prison, Darlene was growing stronger day by day. Aunt Coral was helping them, being the secret friend she’d always been to the love of her life, Wayne. The only difference was that they could do it openly now. I saw the way they looked at each other. It was love, but a different kind of love. Wayne loved his wife, but he adored Aunt Coral, and her being back in their life so regularly was making everyone happy. There wasn’t anything seedy going on. If anything, Aunt Coral was the greatest help Darlene could have ever wished for. Charlie and Harry were thriving at school, unaware of where their older brother actually was. Sheltering their growth and childhood had been imperative for all of us. They just thought he was travelling the world, discovering new places, taking on new adventures, getting ready to tell stories to them when he came home.

  But Marty had fled, like the ultimate coward he was, and something about that small victory made me smile. No wonder the air smelt cleaner around here lately.

  “Dad probably ran because Wayne Hunter beat the shit out of him after Toby got sent to prison, though, right?”

  My smile fell instantly, and I stared at Joel, unblinking as I tried to read him. “What are you talking about?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “If you’re here to play games, you may as well leave.”

  “Really?” He scoffed. “You have no idea, do you?”

  I shook my head weakly, not offering him anything else.

  “Well, there you go.”

  “Tell me what the hell happened. Tell me right now, Joel.”

  He swallowed, looking away briefly before his bloodshot eyes found mine again. “That’s all I know. Wayne tracked him down one night while Dad was out on patrol by himself. Wayne jumped him, beat Dad to a pulp, and he threatened to do the same to me. After that, Dad soon started to talk about us getting away from here. I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

  “Wayne probably thought it was a good idea to keep that quiet. You know how secrets have a bad habit of getting out around here.”

  “Or maybe Wayne never shared it with any of you because he didn’t want to seem as unhinged as the rest of us.”

  “Unhinged? He isn’t unhinged, and neither is Toby. That’s just what happens when idiots like you mess with women good men love. They get angry and they fight.”

  “And don’t we know it.”

  “You reap what you sow.” And I couldn’t stop the half-smile that curled my lips again.

  “Something funny?” Joel asked sharply.

  “Oh, nothing. Just karma. Isn’t she hilarious when she kicks in?” I took a step closer, all fear or uncertainty gone as I finally realised the Atkins family were all the same: weak, pretending to be strong. “I’m glad you’re in front of me looking like you do, Joel. I’m glad you speak of your father like he’s the scum he really is. I’m over the moon Wayne served him a hard slap or two. I’m glad you’re not happy, and I’m glad you’re suffering. And the greatest thing about everything I’ve just said is that I’m so glad I don’t feel even an ounce of guilt for feeling all those things about you, because deep down in my heart, I know you deserve it all.”

  Joel closed his eyes and took a moment before he opened them again, surprising me as moisture leaked from one corner.

  “If you came here looking for redemption, you’re out of luck,” I said coldly.

  “No, that’s not—”

  “Everything all right out here?” Caleb asked as he turned the corner and came to a stop a few metres away from us. I didn’t take my eyes away from Joel.

  “Everything’s just fine,” I answered. “Exactly as it should be.”

  I could tell Caleb didn’t want to leave, but I wasn’t exactly running scared, and I was confident he had faith in my ability to handle this situation in front of me. I’d dealt with a lot since working here, surprising everyone, including myself.

  Sometimes you’ve got to dig deep t
o rescue your crown and protect your world.

  No one else can swing the sword that saves your life for you but you.

  “I’m sorry, Lilac.” Joel looked down at the ground, cleared his throat once more, and glanced up at me through heavy brows.

  “Good.”

  I turned to pick up the glasses and rubbish again, not giving him another thought as I filled up my arms and began to make my way over to the door to the pub.

  “Can I ask you one more thing?” he called out, making me stop and take a breath before I turned around. “Is it true?”

  “Is what true?

  “Did my father really rape Toby’s mum?”

  “That’s not my story to tell.”

  “But… he’s my brother, right?”

  I opened my mouth to answer then quickly snapped it shut.

  “Lilac, please.”

  “He’s your brother.” I nodded once.

  Joel’s whole body sagged forward, his hands falling to his knees to keep him upright. I heard a quiet sob of regret fall from his dry, cracked lips, and that was enough for me. The boy who’d wanted to break me ended up breaking himself. It wasn’t up to me to put him back together again. It wasn’t up to me to rebuild his world for him.

  I had my own castle to forge.

  Without looking back, I walked away from Joel and left another piece of my heartache at his feet.

  “Everything okay?” Duke asked with bitter froth around his moustache whiskers. I dropped the glasses on the bar, waiting for Caleb to take them from me before I turned to Duke and planted my hands on his warm cheeks.

  “Never better.”

  “Getting stronger, girl.”

  “Every day.”

  I kissed his forehead and got back to work, determined to see another day go by where I didn’t break, just built.

  “You haven’t kissed anyone in so long.”

  “I know.” I sighed.

  “Doesn’t it bother you?”

  “You know it does, Cheryl.”

  I stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror next to my bedroom door, pushing back a stray strand of red hair that had blown forward. It had grown longer now, much longer than Toby had ever seen it. The days, weeks, months, and years only every guaranteed one thing: change. Every time I noticed something different about myself, I wondered how many different things I’d see in him when the time arrived.

  The thought of seeing him, touching him, holding and kissing him made me ache. We had no idea how much longer it could be. Another five years. Maybe two if he behaved, but I wasn’t holding out too much hope for that. Toby Hunter was made from fire and iron, and if provoked he would unleash his strength on anyone in his way, his body armour there to hide the softness of his heart.

  “You still there?” Cheryl’s voice drifted down the phone currently pressed to my ear. I blinked and stared straight into the reflection of my own eyes.

  “Still here.”

  “He wouldn’t expect you to wait this long, you know.”

  “Don’t do that,” I whispered, glancing down at my cropped white gypsy top and my denim shorts with red hearts sewn on the edges.

  Cheryl sighed, both frustrated and understanding. Anyone else and I would have judged them for judging me, but I knew Cheryl’s heart was in the right place. All she ever wanted to do was help.

  “I just hate the thought of you aching for him.”

  “And you think that ache would go away if I were with someone else? Come on, Cher. You know the guilt would eat me alive. I wouldn’t even be able to get turned on to make any of it worth it. I’ll wait for Toby.”

  “Thousands wouldn’t.”

  “They aren’t me.” I rubbed my red lips together and pushed them out, fixing the stray strands of hair behind my ear before I raised my chin in defiance. “The other guys aren’t him.”

  “You’re incredibly strong, Lilac. Have I ever told you that?”

  “Just a few times today.”

  “I can’t help it if my best friend blows my mind.”

  “You and your compliments.” I turned to reach for my battered white pumps, grabbing them and dropping them to the floor to push my feet inside. “I have to go.”

  “Weekly meeting with Darlene?”

  “She went to see him today.”

  There was a long pause. Cheryl—for all she was still blunt and sarcastic—had learned to keep her opinions about Toby’s refusal to see me to herself.

  “I hope she says he’s okay,” was all she offered, and I was grateful she held her tongue.

  We said our goodbyes, and I dropped my phone onto the bed before I climbed out of my bedroom window and made my way into Darlene’s back garden. To my surprise, I found her sitting with Aunt Coral and Mum, the three of them soaking up the sunshine with a large jug of something fruity sitting between them.

  “A party without me?” I teased, taking my place in the one empty seat around the table.

  Mum and Aunt Coral made a few jokes, keeping the conversation light while Mum poured me a glass of what turned out to be Pimms. I smiled as they talked, but really, I was desperate to tell them to shut up, turn to Darlene, and ask her how Toby had been.

  If it had been anyone else, I would have, but Darlene was a fragile doll with a sewn-on pair of new rose-tinted glasses that we were all trying to keep attached to her. Sometimes the stitching came loose. I was always cautious not to push.

  “How was work last night?” Mum asked suddenly, bringing my attention back to her instead of the daydream I was lost in.

  “Good.” I nodded once. “As good as work can be.”

  “Any trouble?”

  “What kind of trouble?” I asked.

  Mum shrugged and looked at Aunt Coral, then Aunt Coral looked at Darlene, and Darlene finally made eye contact with me.

  She’d been crying, but her mouth was rising high, her smile growing as she watched me frown in confusion.

  “We know Joel was here, Lilac. Caleb told Wayne.”

  “Did he now?” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Can’t keep anything secret around here, can we? What else did he say?”

  “Just that you handled Joel.”

  “I did.” I looked back at her, proud of myself for not shaking at the sight of the boy who once shook my confidence to its core.

  Darlene reached for her drink and took a long, slow suck from her straw, never once taking her eyes off me. I glanced at Mum and Aunt Coral, the two of them smirking coyly, watching me like I was a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

  “What don’t I know?” I asked them all.

  “Huh?” Mum muttered.

  “Beats me,” Aunt Coral joined in.

  Darlene placed her drink down on the table, leaned back in her chair and pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes. “Lilac?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Answer my phone for me when it rings, will you?”

  “Your pho—”

  Right on cue, the mobile phone sitting on the table began to vibrate, buzzing wildly, dancing to one side.

  There was no hesitation in what I did next. The phone was in my hand before I could blink, the withheld number ringing and ringing and ringing as I stared at it and allowed myself to dream. With one last glance at my Mum and Aunt, I swiped to accept the call and pressed the phone to my ear.

  The beat of silence lingered, making it hard to breathe before I heard his voice.

  “Hello?” he said, his voice waking every nerve in my body up from hibernation.

  I gasped, pressing my hand over my mouth to hold back the sob that rose in my throat, thick and heavy enough to choke me.

  “Lilac?”

  “Toby…” I whimpered, his name muted against my palm. I closed my eyes and felt the tears rising in my eyes. Two words he’d spoken. Two. They felt more powerful than any I love you he’d whispered in my ear.

  “Hey, Lil,” he said with an unmistakable smile.

  “W-what are you? I mean… why…? H-how?”

&n
bsp; “Baby, I know this is a shock, but please take your hand away from your mouth. Let me hear that voice I’ve missed so much.”

  Baby.

  He said it like a man now, his voice rougher, older, edgier, more commanding. He sounded the same, but astoundingly different, too. I moved my hand to hold the phone, pressing it against my ear with both palms, drawing him closer, wishing he was really beside me… inside me. My body hummed and legs tightened at the thought, all the sweet memories of his kisses, smiles, and strong arms bringing my skin to life.

  “Toby,” I whispered.

  “That’s better.” I imagined the smile I could hear staring back at me. It made my heart beat wildly, and my thighs press together. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Oh, God, I’ve missed you more.”

  “You doing okay?”

  I swallowed hard, guzzling down his words like a starved, thirsty woman at an oasis. “Yeah.”

  “Truthfully?”

  “I was until I heard your voice. Now I don’t know what I am.”

  “It’s goddamn hard being away from you.”

  “That was your choice,” I said, almost timidly. I’d not been timid since Toby’s sentencing. I realised I missed the feeling. I missed him being the strong one. I missed being able to feel weak around someone and not be judged for it.

  “I wish you knew how much I think about holding you again one day.”

  “You still want me?”

  He stayed silent for too long, and my eyes opened in a panic, only for me to see that the three other women around the table had somehow slipped away without me realising.

  “How can you ask me that?” he whispered painfully. His voice was closer to the receiver now like he’d turned away and tucked himself into a corner. “It will always be you, Lilac.”

  I closed my eyes again, trapping myself in a dream with him where the two of us were alone… on a cloud, perhaps. Unreachable and untouchable to the rest of the world.