Welcome to Envy Park

by Mina V. Esguerra

  I shook my head. "Why, what do you do?"

  "I’m in advertising," she said. "If I lived nearby I’d never leave the office. What do you do, Moira?"

  "Oh, nothing. I’m unemployed."

  "So how can you afford an expensive place here if you’re a bum?"

  "She won't be one soon," Ethan said.

  "I don't know, I kind of like this lifestyle," I said, half serious. "Do you know Matilda who lives on the top floor?"

  "Who is Matilda?" Ashley was so interested.

  "She's so glamorous," I said.

  "Like a magazine cover girl," Ethan added. "Except the effect's a little strange when you see her up close."

  "How close?" I said without thinking, and honestly it was a joke.

  Ethan smiled and held a palm against my shoulder. "This close. Polite elevator distance."

  My shoulder went all tingly and I actually pulled back, just so it wouldn't start a chain reaction down my entire body. "Anyway, she's got a penthouse apartment but she's just home all day. How do you get that kind of gig?"

  "Lotto," Ashley suggested.

  "She says she makes candles."

  "I think we should all make candles then."

  "I don't think she's making candles," Ethan said, not joking.

  Rin was just eating throughout this. I made sure to look at her when I spoke, as if she were participating in the conversation, but she was barely there.

  "Moira," Ashley said. "Where's the nearest pharmacy? I need to buy something."

  "Two buildings in that direction, ground floor," I said, pointing.

  "Come along with me?"

  "Um, sure."

  -///-

  "I love your hair," Ashley said.

  "Thanks."

  "Are you going out with my brother?"

  She said this maybe five steps after we left the burrito place, so I assumed the pharmacy errand run was just for show. I kept walking in that direction anyway. "No. Well—no. We just had dinner a few times. Because I keep running into him at the gym."

  "He poked your food. I saw it."

  "I know, I should have told him not to."

  "That's just a bit too friendly to me, I don't know."

  "He's a friendly guy."

  "Ha!" Ashley scoffed.

  We made it to the drugstore and she led me into the shampoo aisle rather aimlessly.

  "Do you know who Rin is?" she asked me.

  "No."

  "She used to be his girlfriend. They just broke up in November."

  Well that explained the refusal to acknowledge me. "No, he never said anything. Not that he should, to me. I barely know him."

  Ashley rolled her eyes. "I don't know why he's socially awkward like this. You should have at least gotten some vibe off him, I don't know, that he was with that girl for two years. But he can be so..."

  "Guarded?"

  "Ugh, socially deficient. No one else in the family is like this. Rin is my friend, I actually introduced them. And you know what tonight is?"

  "No, sorry. What?"

  "He and Rin work together. She's my friend but she's a bit, well, clingy... She found a job there once they started dating so she'd be close to him, and now that they're broken up she can't deal with it. So she quit. Today is her last day at work."

  Wow. Must have been super awkward for him either way. Why invite me to the table though?

  Ashley absently picked up a "hairfall control" shampoo. "They don't talk anymore, but she insisted that I set up this dinner so she could get to say goodbye, or whatever. Kuya Ethan didn't want to go unless I came along."

  "Sounds like a bad breakup."

  "It's not that bad. It's my brother's fault."

  "You don't have to tell me anything, Ashley." Curious as I was, I felt I had to say that.

  "No," Ashley said, smiling at me. "I think it'll be good for you to know, because I don't think he'll say anything. He's like that. He waits for things to happen to him, and he's missed out on so many good things because he just lets them drift away. He wasn't into Rin, at first, or maybe ever. I convinced him to go out with her, and he just did. And he kept going out with her. And suddenly she was his girlfriend, but I really think he just didn't want to say he didn't want to, you know?"

  I wasn't sure how to feel about this. Undeniably her words were like air, inflating the cardboard cutout Ethan in my mind into something with a bit more shape, not exactly in a flattering way.

  "He didn't even break up with her until he absolutely had to," Ashley continued. "And I feel like I had to tell him to do it, because putting Rin through a long-distance relationship like that wasn't fair to her. She's really into him. She was probably going to wait forever."

  "Long-distance?"

  "Oh. Of course he didn't tell you. Last year he was assigned to move to the Beckett office in San Francisco. As in California. He was supposed to leave in November but at the last minute he had to do something for a client, so he's still here. But he's already technically an SF office employee and he's here like he's on foreign assignment, with paid housing and everything. But as soon as the emergency project is over, he's done. He's expecting to fly out any day now."

  I caught my reflection in a shiny bottle of shampoo and saw that my smile was distorted in it. Or was it actually like that on my face? I tried to make it better for Ashley's benefit.

  "Good for him," I said. "I'm actually planning to get a job somewhere else, too. Soon. But he doesn't have to explain that to me."

  "I'm not surprised if he doesn't, which is why I'm telling you," she said. "He didn't tell Rin about the move until after he accepted it. I swear, he just lets things happen, like he's a leaf in the wind."

  The same phrase that made last night really hot felt, well, lukewarm now.

  "It's easier," I said.

  "It's annoying," she retorted. "Do you know why we're here now?"

  "It's not so you can warn me about him in private?" I said with a wry smile.

  "Two birds, one stone. I wanted to leave him and Rin alone so they can say goodbye properly. Because I don't think he ever will, if it were up to him." Ashley checked her phone. "Let's give them five more minutes. But hey, don't hate my brother okay. He's really wonderful. He's just..."

  "A leaf in the wind. I get it."

  ETHAN

  I. CAREER AND FINANCES

  + Enviable promotion and transfer

  + Great housing perks

  + Possibly rolling in money

  II. FAMILY AND FRIENDSHIPS

  +/- Family is around but maybe he’s avoiding them

  - Not friendly, not neighborly

  III. LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

  - Strange dynamic with ex

  - Spontaneous kisser

  + Spontaneous kisser

  IV. PERSONAL FULFILLMENT

  ? What do you find fulfilling when you’re a "leaf in the wind"?

  Chapter 11

  I woke up thinking, it figured that I would walk into something like this. When you tell the universe that you’re not staying long in your hometown, you end up making out with someone leaving even earlier.

  But maybe I should be happy that I was getting a job interview out of this. When I checked my email last night I saw that Ethan had indeed gotten me a meeting with someone in his office’s HR department, for a position that was temporary. Looked interesting. Mostly admin and event logistics work, to help out during a conference hosted by the Manila office in June. Pre-conference work was starting, and the position was officially until August, and it included post-conference evaluations and paperwork.

  So. How to think about this.

  Maybe if I hadn’t spoken to Ashley, I would have thought this meant something. The day after we kissed, he set me up to get a job in his place of work, on a contract that would make me stay home longer than I’d intended.

  But since I had spoken to Ashley, then no, this was just a job referral. Kiss or no kiss, whether or not Moira remained a bum until June, then it was just
a job. A nice thing he was doing for his "neighbor in Tower 3."

  Why should you be affected even, Moira?

  Nothing about this changed my original plan. In fact, things just got better for someone.

  I finally called Roxie. "Don’t get mad at me," I said as soon as she picked up. "I know I screwed up my interview."

  "Damn right you did," she yelled back. "How hard is it to just tell him what he wants to hear? You know how to do that."

  "I’ve punished myself enough for it already, okay? Can you not beat me up over it any more? I have good news for you."

  "What, did you apologize to Jonas?"

  "Better. I kissed someone yesterday. Curse is over. Go forth and find your next man, he’s probably outside right now just waiting for you."

  "Are you serious? Who’d you kiss? Was it a stranger?"

  "Semi stranger. A new friend."

  "I hope it’s a hot new friend. Will there be more kissing?"

  "Not that much, I think."

  "Why, did you tell him you’re leaving already?"

  "He knows yeah."

  "You’re an awful poker player."

  I did still honestly feel bad about letting Roxie down at that interview, so I let her say stuff without saying stuff back. She knew I was thinking it though.

  -///-

  There was no shortage of cute kids all over NV Park. I noticed that apart from people like me, Ethan, and Matilda, there were the "young family" types. I was well acquainted with chubby, cherubic toddler Liam way before I met his mother Sarah.

  Liam liked to run around the Tower 3 lobby in the afternoons. Apparently as he did that, Sarah would be sitting on one of the couches, using the lobby’s free wireless internet, messaging with her husband David on her phone.

  David worked in Dubai, while his wife and son lived a few floors up from me. This wasn’t an odd situation at all, at least if you lived in Manila, but I personally didn’t know anyone my age who was doing long-distance marriage.

  That day was the first time that Liam actually greeted me like a friend when he saw me at the lobby, a break from his usual running past me like I was one of the cement posts. This time he went right for me, grabbed my leg, and said something like "angry phone."

  "What?"

  "Mama angry phone."

  There was a clatter, and it was Sarah over by her regular chair throwing her phone onto the table. It bounced, flipped over, and then fell to the floor.

  "Did the phone do something bad?" I said to Liam, but he had already run off.

  "Sorry about that," Sarah said, leaning forward, as if to pick up the phone, and then she changed her mind. "Did he bother you?"

  "No, he didn’t."

  "You’re single, right, Moira?"

  I tried to remember if we had ever talked about it, me and Sarah. But it showed in my lifestyle anyway. Whenever I passed by the lobby during Liam’s playtime I was in sweats, going out with a small, empty canvas bag and coming back with groceries obviously for one. "Yup," I said.

  Sarah looked like she wanted to cry, but from anger, or frustration. "Enjoy it. You really, really should. I’m hating myself now for all the time I spent wishing I were in a relationship."

  This wasn’t about me, obviously. It was about her, and her husband who wasn’t nearby, and the phone that got hurt in the process. I really didn’t know much about her, so I felt I couldn’t say anything except generic positive sentiments.

  "Long-distance relationships are tough," I ended up saying.

  Sarah was apparently a year younger than me, but she acted and seemed much older. I thought it was the haircut (low-maintenance bob that reminded me of my mom’s haircut when I was a kid), but it might actually have been the weight of her regrets. "It might not be the distance. I just might have married a douche."

  "Well..."

  "I’m serious." Sarah shook her head and swiped the phone from the floor. "Why would I want to be with someone who chooses to parent my son on Skype and gets off telling me what I’m doing wrong? When I’m actually here for every damn thing?"

  David made enough at his job that Sarah didn’t need to work. She was a full-time mom and in happier moods (last week was the latest one) she would say things during our short talks that made me think she chose this life. She wanted to stay home.

  "But then you wouldn’t be able to live here," I said, remembering what Ashley said. "NV Park’s great, but expensive."

  Sarah shrugged. "It’s a building. I would have been happy anywhere with him."

  Did she mean that? She couldn’t possibly. I looked over at Liam running between two security guards and thought that this was a safe and secure environment for a child to grow up in. Sure, Sarah was having her own problems, but the solution in her mind right now, while closing the door, would just open windows.

  I wished her well and went off on my errand.

  -///-

  "Are you done?" Ethan asked me.

  In fact I didn’t work out that night at all, but he couldn’t tell probably because I was in sweatpants, as usual. I was sitting on the bench, the same one he had occupied when he surprised me the other night.

  I sat there just thinking. Earlier I had emailed him back, saying yes to the interview, offering a schedule sometime next week or earlier at their convenience, thanking him for being such a nice friend.

  "So how was your talk with Rin?" I asked. I had bailed out of dinner early and didn’t get to confront him about anything. Not that I should.

  He wasn’t dressed for a workout. He sat on the other end of the bench, facing the mirror too. It was a safe distance, far enough to send a clear signal that there would be no touching, close enough for me to hear him let out his breath long and slow. "What did Ashley tell you?"

  "Things. Does she lie about things?"

  He shook his head. "No, she’s very honest. And she means well."

  "So it just seems to me like it’s a bit complicated for you right now."

  For some reason it was easier to look his reflection in the mirror in the eye, instead of his actual eye. He probably felt the same way.

  "It’s really not," Ethan said. "People just like to think it is."

  "So what’s the simple explanation?"

  "Ashley has ideas about what Rin needs from me. We had a proper breakup. I didn’t cheat. I still try to talk to her at work. But Ashley has ideas about what everyone needs from me. My family is...they have opinions."

  There was a frustration in his voice, and it crept down his arm, through his hand, and showed up again in the fingers that he ran through his hair. It reminded me of how I had wanted to do that, and how I might never. I cleared my throat.

  "Nice of you to share, but I meant the other thing. That you’re leaving too."

  "Oh. Right. Yeah. I don’t know when though."

  "Interesting that you didn’t bring it up at all."

  He shrugged. "This project is taking forever. I really don’t know how long I’ll be here."

  "But obviously there’s a timeline, right? How long is your lease here?"

  "It’s renewed every two weeks."

  That was very...not permanent. My face fell, I knew it. I hoped he didn’t notice. "Well then. Were you planning to ever mention it?"

  "That I’m leaving? I don’t know when that would actually be."

  I wanted to say that I was feeling a tiny bit foolish, for going on and on about my plan, about leaving, about absolutely being in Thailand or Cambodia or Hong Kong by June or six months or one year or else. And yet there he was on a two-week lease thinking that it wasn’t worth a shoutout. "You’re right," I said, because I was mature that way, "You didn’t have to say anything. I mean, we just met. You don’t even talk to neighbors. You didn’t have to share your relocation plans with me, of course."

  "Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy talking about your plans with you," Ethan said, "but I’m not like that. I wasn’t sure when I was leaving, so I didn’t say it. People made a big deal when I was about to
leave in November and look... I’m still here. It’s awkward."

  How odd. Had I ever been in that situation? When I quit my first job, I just did it, and didn’t come back. When I said I’d be in another country by a certain date, I just did it. Part of every plan of mine involved knowing it would happen, that I would make it happen, and that it would happen on my schedule.

  I wasn’t a leaf in the wind. I was the wind.

  I guess some people weren’t like that, and they were fine with it.

  "I think you’re great," he said, suddenly, and it seemed to have surprised even him. "And that’s actually why I feel bad about what I did."

  "The job interview?"

  "No. That I kissed you."

  "Oh." Topic swing. "Well, no, don’t feel bad about it..."

  "I wanted to do it. I just didn’t know how it would go. Because I knew that I’d have to have this conversation with you."

  He turned to face me, my actual face, and I did the same. "So let’s have it," I said.

  "Do you want to start something, knowing that you and I are leaving? At some point?"

  Not exactly the most romantic of questions, but compared to George the Ex’s "so you wanna...?" this seemed positively Shakespearean. And I was impressed that he brought it up, because it was precisely the conversation I wanted to have, except I didn’t know yet how to articulate it. But it was the thing that occupied my mind since seeing Sarah and Liam at the lobby, and it was the reason why I sat there waiting for him, giving up the pretense of working out.

  I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work. I was set on my plan. I had been planning the plan for a year, at least. It wasn’t fair to expect either of us to adjust; we barely knew each other. If we were less mature, more impulsive, maybe we would have tried it, and then we’d be more deeply into each other once the inevitable separation happened (of course we would be), and we’d have tearful airport goodbyes, and promise to be faithful despite being on separate continents, and then fail at it...