The Hardest Part

by London, Heather

  "I can't tell you how hard it is right now to be so close and not be able to touch you, to feel your soft skin against my own. It's killing me inside." His voice was still too soft, sweet.

  A small whimper finally escaped me and I tried to choke back the tears but failed. They spilled down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away.

  "Don't cry, Emily. Tears have never looked good on you." The softness in his voice had disappeared. Now, all I could hear was pure anger, and I didn't miss the way he pronounced my name with disgust.

  There was silence now, but I knew he was still there. I could hear him breathing. I could also hear the noise of the restaurant through the phone. I knew he was near me, maybe behind me. My mind continued to spin with what to do next. Wondering how I was going to get out of here alive and how I was going to get Reed out of here alive. So many things ran through my head—run, scream for help—but I did nothing. I was frozen in my seat.

  "I know what you're thinking," he said, his voice rough and bitter as ever, "but don't think too much or you may end up getting yourself killed, or even worse. The guy you've been spending so much time with could get a bullet in his head."

  It felt like a heavy weight slammed into my chest. I closed my eyes tight to keep the tears contained as another whimper escaped my lips.

  "I can't tell you how much it has hurt me to see you two together. The way he looks at you, the way he touches you—it's been torture. The pain I've been through the last few months doesn't compare to seeing you with another man. I've been trying to think of a way to explain it to you, to explain to you the pain I've experienced, but I think it would just be easier to show you later, when we're alone."

  "Jake, please," I finally whispered. My pleading words were met with an onslaught of tears that I could no longer hold back.

  He growled into the phone, aggravated. I could picture what his face looked like right now. His dark, cold eyes would look like pure evil. "Your voice, it's so sweet, Emily. I've missed it, but you are in no position to make demands. You will listen to me if you want your boyfriend to walk out of here alive, do you understand? Believe me. You don't want him to have the same fate as Mike."

  Mike? Oh God, what happened to Mike?

  "Please, Jake, I'll do anything. Just leave him alone." I sniffed, knowing his threat was real. I would do anything if it meant sparing Reed's life, or anyone else's that I cared about.

  "I was hoping you would say that. Now, you need to listen to me very carefully so you don't cause a scene. Get up slowly and make your way to the rear exit door, next to the bathrooms. I'll meet you there in two minutes." He paused for a moment. "And don't even think about running or I'll have Rico pull the trigger that's aimed at your boyfriend’s head right now." The line went dead and I gasped, taking in a much needed breath.

  I slowly lowered my phone to the table, trying to remain calm as I swallowed my tears. Reed's life depended on me getting out of here quietly without making a scene. I stood up and walked to the rear exit door as he instructed. Every part of me fought the urge to look around the restaurant, hoping to make eye contact with Reed. I wasn't sure what I would do if and when I saw him. Maybe it was just that I wanted to get one last look at him. I wasn't sure what Jake had planned for me, but I could be sure that I'd never see Reed again after tonight.

  Not wanting to make Jake even angrier, I kept my head forward and trained on the bright-red exit sign I could see at the end of the hall in front of me. If Jake said Rico had a gun aimed at Reed's head, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that it was true and he would kill him if I gave him even the smallest reason. And maybe even if I didn't. My stomach twisted and my heart ached thinking of Reed getting hurt.

  If anything happened to him, it would be my fault. I was selfish in wanting him. I was selfish for putting him in this situation. I was selfish for not telling him the truth. Maybe if I had just told him everything from the beginning, we wouldn’t be in this situation and Reed would be okay.

  It was hard to imagine the anger that Jake had felt when he saw the two of us together like he said. Honestly, I was surprised we were both still alive.

  As I made my last few steps toward the door, I allowed a few tears to fall, knowing I would never see Reed again. That one thought hurt more than anything I had ever been through with Jake.

  When I pushed the door open, I entered a dark alley and saw two familiar faces standing under a streetlamp at the end of it. Jason and Eric, two of Jake's men, stood there staring in my direction. They never even made eye contact with me. I was assuming they knew my fate and it was too difficult for them to face me, or maybe they just didn't care at all. It didn't surprise me too much; I was used to them looking the other way.

  Up until about a year ago, all of Jake's men turned the other way. No one was stupid enough to stand up to him. They knew the consequences if they did. I never knew of Jake killing anyone, but I knew there were men on his team that left one day and never returned. I can only imagine what happened to them. I thought his men would always turn the other way—that is until one day when Mike intervened.

  Jake's hand was just a few inches from making contact with my face when Mike grabbed his wrist, stopping him. I remembered cowering in the corner, thinking I was about to witness Jake kill Mike.

  They had stared at one another for a moment before Mike said, "I think that's enough."

  Jake narrowed his eyes on him. I thought for sure that Mike was a dead man in just a matter of seconds. Surprisingly, Jake just stormed out of the room.

  Mike helped me to my feet. “He’s not going to hurt you again. I’ve seen too much of it and I can’t take it anymore.”

  “Mike, you shouldn’t have done that. He won’t let you get away with it. He’ll kill you.”

  “Don’t you worry about me. I’ll be fine. It’s you we have to worry about.”

  Even though I was thankful, I never understood why Jake let Mike live to see another day.

  Now snapped back to the present, I stopped when I came within a few feet of Jason and Eric. I wasn’t sure why I stopped or what I was waiting for. I was expecting them to take me by the arm and shove me into the car that was running and waiting behind them. Then, my eyes were drawn to a third person who appeared out of the shadows. Jake.

  Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart beat wildly and I fought the urge to run, but I didn't want to do anything to put Reed's life at risk.

  Jake took a couple steps toward me and I could see through the darkness that he was holding a phone up to his ear.

  "I've got her, Rico. You can kill him now, but do it quietly."

  "No!" I shouted, lunging toward him. "I did what you asked. Let him go! Please! I'll do whatever you want!"

  Jake shoved the phone back into his pocket and grabbed me by the arm. "Maybe now you will feel an ounce of the pain I've been through the last few months. Now you'll know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest."

  "No! No! Please, I'll come with you. I won't ever leave you again. I promise. Please, just don't hurt him!" My voice was hoarse, strained. My knees gave out from under me and I felt myself falling to the ground. Jake jerked me back up and started dragging me toward the car. Jason held the backdoor open while Eric jogged quickly toward the driver’s side.

  This was it. He was going to drive me somewhere and kill me. Then, all of a sudden, like a light switch, the strangest thing happened. I went numb. I found myself not even caring enough about my own safety to scream for help, run away, or fight back. Just knowing what had happened to Reed, I went completely numb. I felt nothing. Maybe it was my body’s way of trying to protect itself from the pain, or maybe it was just straight-out denial and shock.

  Jake shoved me in the backseat and my head hit the window on the other side, snapping me out of my numbness. A powerful sob escaped me and I covered my mouth as Jake crawled in beside me. My stomach turned; I felt like I was going to be sick. Jake had found me. Reed had been killed. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I
wanted to get as far away from Jake as possible.

  As hard as I tried, I couldn't get the image of Reed's face out of my head. Then my thoughts turned to Lexi. She had already been through so much, lost everyone she'd loved, and now Reed… I wasn't sure she would recover when she found out what happened to him. Once she found out I was responsible, there was a good chance she would never forgive me either.

  Not able to hold it back, another agonizing cry left my mouth.

  "I swear to God, Emily, keep your mouth shut or I'll send Rico to kill your friend Lexi and her muscle-headed boyfriend, too."

  He knew about everyone I’d gotten close to here in New York. I shouldn’t be surprised. I expected nothing less.

  I swallowed my tears and took in a deep, shaky breath. I knew what he was capable of and I believed he would kill everyone I cared about.

  The seconds passed as I sat there in silence, trying to go back to that numb place. Trying to forget about everything… Lexi, Brandon, Reed. I tried to push all of their faces out of my head. After a few long, torturous minutes, I could feel myself shutting down, starting to become hollow and empty.

  At least, for the last few months, I tasted what life was supposed to be, what really caring for someone felt like, and what it felt like to be cared for. Now, in just a matter of seconds, Jake had taken it all away.

  The guilt I was feeling made it easy to go to that dark and lonely place. If I had just kept to myself, not allowed anyone close to me, then no one would've gotten hurt. I was a curse. It took a few minutes of me repeating this over and over in my head before the nothingness began to eat away at me. I could feel myself drifting farther into a dark hole, faster with each second that passed. The pain that I felt in my chest right now—all over my body—I almost wished for Jake to kill me. Anything would be better than this torture.

  "Do you have nothing to say to me?" Jake asked as I felt the car come to a stop. For a split second, the thought of opening the car door and trying to run entered my mind. Then I pictured Lexi's face and the thought immediately vanished. There was nothing I would do to put her life in danger, too. The car began to move again. I didn't even wonder where we were going. I didn't care.

  "Well?" he asked, his tone harsh, bitter.

  I didn't respond or look in his direction. My eyes were focused out the window, staring at the people laughing across the street, the couple walking and holding hands, the father and son hanging Christmas lights.

  "You are such an ungrateful little bitch. All I've done for you, everything I've given you, and then you leave me. You put me through all this pain, and now, after I spent months searching for you, you say nothing to me."

  Is he serious? Normally when he would speak to me like this, I would cower down and brace for the punishment. I would sit still and hope that whatever he wanted to do to me would be quick. Now, with everything that had happened, I felt anger. Deep-rooted, built-up hatred began to course through my veins.

  This asshole, in his twisted head, actually thinks he deserves love? He thinks he deserves gratitude? He actually thinks he deserves thanks and appreciation for the way he's treated me? In the past, I knew Jake suffered from some very dark demons. I knew that he couldn't be all there in his mind, because what kind of person would treat another human being like he treated me? After hearing him talk to me just now, I knew he was more evil than I ever imagined.

  Turning my head toward him and looking him directly in the eyes, I told him what I wanted to tell him every day for the past few years. "I hate you. I hated every minute of the three years of my life that I spent with you. My stomach actually felt ill every time you touched me, when you kissed me, when you told me you loved me. There was a small moment in time when I thought I loved you, but that was before I knew what kind of monster you really are. That's when I was weak and naive. That's when I didn't know what it was truly like to actually love someone. There's nothing you could ever do or say that will make me care for you or think of you as any more than a weak, cowardly, and pathetic piece of scum." I could feel my bottom lip quiver when I stopped speaking, but it wasn't from fear. It was from anger.

  I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to pay for what he'd done to me. To Mike. To Reed. As I sat there and looked into his cold, dark eyes, I wanted nothing more than to squeeze the life out of them.

  "Look at you." He smiled, which only increased the anger inside me. "You've gotten brave, but don't forget what I could do to you and your friends. I could've killed you days ago. I could have killed you hours ago. I could kill you right now if I wanted to. So watch what you say to me."

  My eyes narrowed and I tried to mimic the cold stare he was giving me. "You can't hurt me any more than I'm hurting right now. I don't care what you do to me." I wasn't sure how, but my voice came out steady and strong.

  He glared at me, pursing his lips, trying to hold back his anger.

  "Don't fight it. If you're going to kill me, do it," I said even louder this time. I had already come to terms with my fate. I probably wouldn't live to see another day, but one thing was for sure; I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

  "Oh, I plan on it. You just wait. Have patience, my sweet Emily. Just you wait." He sat back in his seat, looking forward.

  EMILY

  "THIS IS what you've been living in?" Jake glanced around my apartment in disgust. The more he looked around, the more confusion spread across his face.

  For the life of me, I couldn't imagine why he wanted to come here. I thought we'd be on the first plane back to Vegas. The place where he knew he had power. The place where he knew people and he could get rid of me or do whatever he wanted to do to me.

  "I just had to see inside this place. I wanted to see where you've been living," he said, running his hands along the kitchen counter. "You'd rather live like this, in this shithole, than with me?" He looked at me, shaking his head like I was from another planet. Like he honestly couldn't understand why I ever left him. It was difficult to believe he could be that stupid. He knew he was a monster. He had apologized to me before, many times, but then he would just hurt me again—most of the time, worse than the last.

  I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I felt a power grow inside me. I glared at him. "I'd rather live in the gutters with the rats than with you ever again."

  His eyes grew dark as he narrowed them on me. "You've got a smart mouth, Emily. See what happens when I don't keep you in line?" He took a couple steps toward me and I took one backward, keeping the distance between us.

  "Stay away from me." My voice matched my composure, steady and strong. On the inside, I was terrified. I knew he was about to hurt me or maybe even kill me. I hoped I would have the strength to save myself. The last few months, this was what I’d been preparing myself for, and I was about to put myself to the ultimate test.

  My thoughts quickly drifted to Lexi. My chest shook and I almost let out a sob. I could only imagine what her reaction would be when she found out what happened to Reed. It was all my fault. I had brought this danger into their lives. They unknowingly sacrificed so much for me. So many people had. Mike gave his life for me… and Reed. I couldn't even think of him right now. I should've told him the truth from the beginning. I should've listened to Lexi when she told me to tell him. Maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe Reed would still be alive.

  I blinked away those thoughts. The only image that continued to pop into my head was Lexi's. I wished I could be there with her when she found out. I wished I could tell her I was sorry. She lost the only person she had left. Then I wondered… Do I deserve to live when Mike and Reed didn't? Should I even put up a fight?

  I could feel the battle going on inside me as Jake continued to pick me apart with his eyes, probably thinking of all the things he would do to me. Playing out in his head how he would hurt me and show me the pain he'd been feeling the past few months. I knew at any moment I could just shutdown, giving him an easier kill, but I didn't want him to see that he broke me again. I didn't want to
give him that satisfaction.

  "Do you have any idea how long I've waited for this moment? How much I've missed you? How much I cried for you?" His face focused on me and then it softened, but I was too smart to fall for it. I was used to his mood swings. He could attempt to be sweet and loving one second and cruel the very next. "Do you know how much pain I've been in since the day you left? I know sometimes I don't show it very well, but I love you, Emily. I love you very much. Sometimes, I just—" He hesitated. "I just don't know how to show it."

  "You hurt me." I glared at him. "Every day I lived with you, I lived in fear. Every day I was with you, I hated you more and more. How could I not want to get away from you?" The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them, but deep down, I wanted him to know how I felt about him.

  With every word I spoke, he got even angrier. His attempt at being sweet and loving was long gone. Maybe I was trying to provoke him. Maybe I was ready to get this over with, whether I was truly prepared for it or not.

  "I gave you everything." He seethed. "Everything you've ever wanted. I loved you. I would have done anything for you." His voice rose with each word.

  I shook my head. "You don't know what love is. You don't love me. What you think is love, it isn't. It's not the kind of love I want, anyway. I know what love is now… what it can be."

  "Is that the kind of love Reed gave you?" His jaw tightened.

  Just the sound of his name sent shockwaves of pain rippling through me. I tried to control my tears, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

  "What did it feel like losing him?" he asked, taking another step toward me. "Did it feel like your whole life had been ripped away from you? Like your heart had been torn out of your chest?"

  As hard as I tried, I couldn't control them; tears rolled down my cheeks as I pictured his face. If I was going to die in the next few minutes, the last thing I wanted to be thinking of was him.