Always Be a Wolf

by Mima

  “No.”

  “Ah, welcome to my life,” Diego teased with a mischievous grin.

  Chase didn’t respond but awkwardly took another drink.

  “So did you ever sleep with this girlfriend in Colombia or any woman?”

  “I did.”

  “And?”

  “Ah!’ Diego said, shrugging, his face twisted in a sour expression. “It was frustrating. Women are complicated machines. Nothing seemed to really work for her until one day on a whim, I shoved my dick up her ass. As it turns out, we were into the same thing.”

  Chase almost choked on his drink. Laughter quickly followed - both his and Diego - heartily, so much so, that people from a nearby table stopped their conversation to look over.

  “You know, I don’t get that, I don’t get why that’s a turn on,” Chase spoke candidly. “I don’t get why people are into it.”

  “Anal?” Diego asked, his eyes glowed as the lights lowered in the restaurant, while Chase suddenly felt comfortable asking the questions he wouldn’t normally ask.

  “Yeah, I don’t get it.”

  “Have you ever had it done to you?”

  “No.”

  “That’s why you don’t get it.”

  “So you’re saying if I had a dick in my ass, I would like it?” Chase couldn’t help but to feel humored by this suggestion and although he knew it was probably not smart to get into this area with Diego, he had to ask. All his research online had peaked his curiosity.

  “Yup.”

  “Nah,” Chase replied and shook his head.

  “Ok, so tell me this,” Diego leaned forward. “You’re in a passionate moment with a spectacular woman, say that waitress over there,” He pointed toward the woman who had serve them throughout the night. “She wants to shove something up your ass, you going to say no?”

  “I somehow think I would.”

  “Ok, then tell me this, have you ever had your prostate milked?”

  “What the fuck?” Chase asked as he burst into a fit of laughter. “I read about that online when I was researching one day. That sounds…intense…”

  “It is,” Diego seemed to get a charge out of the conversation and barely breaking eye contact with Chase, he signalled the waitress for more drinks. “Not at your doctor’s office but in bed, it is.”

  “Really?”

  “It would blow your fucking mind. Way more than the best blowjob,” Diego spoke excitedly. “You think you died and went to heaven.”

  On some level, Chase knew Diego was trying to tempt him, trying to entice him in much the same way he would’ve with Maggie back in the day, had he been more courageous. He could feel himself lighten, his defenses down while his desires were suddenly on high alert. Had Diego purposely set the scene for this to happen?

  “I take it you’ve-

  “Done it, had it,” Diego spoke evenly, his dark eyes stared into Chase’s until the waitress returned with their drinks. He opened his mouth as if to say more but hesitated and instead took a drink before a satisfied grin crossed his face.

  Chase sat in stunned silence. Neither said a thing. Around them, people ate, drank, talked and laughed. A gentle flow of Black Sabbath streamed through the room while outside, the day slipped into night.

  Not knowing what to say, he stared across the table at Diego who showed no signs of discomfort unlike Chase, who suddenly felt his lips become dry, his throat ached and he took another sip of his drink and awkwardly looked away.

  “You’ve done lots of research, Chase, so I assume that you probably already know what a ‘daddy’ is?” Diego asked casually, as his fingers lightly ran over the tablecloth and then he suddenly stopped and looked back up. “In that gay community, that is?”

  “I think so,” Chase quietly replied and felt his face flushed.

  “Well, back when I first moved to America, I had one. Very rich, powerful man, probably in his early 40s. He looked after me, guided me, taught me many things including what we were just talking about,” Diego stopped and looked up as the waitress passed by. Chase noted she winked at him. “He looked after me even when he knew I was cheating.”

  “Jolene is nervous. She thinks that because you stay with me, I am trying to do the same with you,” Diego spoke honestly, tilting his head slightly to the side. “I have told her again and again that this is not the case. Even tonight, she thought I was trying to get your drunk so I could try to take advantage. I want you to know that I would never do such a thing. I don’t know if she’s said that is a possibly but I need to have the air cleared between us.”

  “She seems to think I should move,” Chase admitted in a quiet voice, feeling as though he was betraying a trust. “I don’t think…I mean, I think she’s just scared for you. Scared you’ll get hurt.”

  “Chase, I’m fine,” Diego spoke with sincerity, the usual veil of ego lowered, his eyes full of warmth and purity. “Do not worry about such things. I like you. I think we are good friends. I think it’s nice to have someone to share a place with and someone to look after my lime tree.”

  Chase snickered and took another drink.

  “I’m not trying to seduce you. I’m not trying to trick you. I won’t die of a broken heart if you never see me as anything more than the gay guy you live with,” Diego’s words were gentle, smooth, humbled. His eyes grew, the light gently touched them as he licked his lower lip. “I hope we are friends, though.”

  “Of course we’re friends,” Chase spoke earnestly, his eyes glanced quickly at his drink and up again. “You’re probably the only friend I have now.”

  “And Jolene.”

  “Yes, of course,” Chase nodded. “It’s not the same, though.”

  “Jolene, she has a bit of a wall up.”

  “I’ve noticed.”

  “But Chase, I’m not going to lie,” Diego’s words were full of warmth as he leaned forward across the table. “If you ever told me you wanted to, I would have us both naked before you even had the words out.”

  Chase couldn’t help but laugh as he shook his head.

  “So, drink up my friend,” Diego let out a hearty laugh that captured everyone’s attention; their waitress, the couple at the nearby table, but most of all, he had Chase’s attention.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The last time Chase got wasted, he was a naïve 18-year-old that had just gotten dumped by his girlfriend. Heartbroken, he had been open to anything that brought him some temporary relief from his misery and so, when Audrey Neil offered him some hope in the form of a pill, he gratefully took it. Shortly after, he felt as if he was floating. His heart and mind drifted into a state of bliss that was beyond any physical sensations, his body erupted into a level of satisfaction he had never felt before in his young life.

  It hadn’t taken long before reality set in. The woman he had no interest in was lying naked beside him as he shamefully rose from the bed and slunk out of her room, only to later learn that they had conceived their son Leland that night. He would never take pills again and on the rare occasion he drank, it was generally a modest amount of alcohol.

  At least, that had been the case. Stumbling home after a few too many mojitos with Diego, another demon had erupted in his soul, reminding him that he was far more vulnerable than he wanted to admit. He felt an uncomfortable combination of shame and depression as they returned to the condo, met by the bright lights and a deafening silence, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in a corner and die. The blissful satisfaction had already started to slip away and he was left feeling heavy in spirit, as he sat on the couch, head in hands.

  “Want another drink?” Diego asked casually as his voice moved toward the kitchen.

  “Oh God! No!” Chase shook his head and closed his eyes, his heart suddenly filled with sorrow. He briefly wondered if the liquor had caused it, created it from a small fragment of sadness
that had been there all along. The same sadness that returned every time he spoke to his children. “What the hell was I thinking?”

  Hearing the refrigerator door open then close, he looked up in time to see Diego walk in his direction with a bottle of water in hand. His face was crestfallen, his eyes helpless as he handed him the plastic container. Chase took it and struggled to smile.

  “I’m sorry, I should’ve cut you off sooner,” Diego solemnly commented, sitting beside him on the couch, his cologne drifted past Chase and with a slight breeze, it became pungent, causing him to make a face. “I know you aren’t a drinker but in my defense, you’re a big guy, so I figured, I don’t know, you would be fine.” He cleared his throat and started to loosen his tie and crossed his legs. “You did knock them back pretty fast, though.”

  “I know,” Chase quietly admitted, feeling somewhat defeated as the room seemed to spin after lifting his head from his hands, causing him to close his eyes again. “Why do people do this to themselves?”

  “The key is to find the right amount of drinks,” Diego offered encouragingly as Chase turned his head to look at him. “Enough to relax you, let your guard down a bit but yet, you know, not too much that you feel like fucking dying.” His dark eyes studied Chase longingly. Leaning his arm against the couch, his finger placed over his lip, as if to hold himself back from saying anything, his eyes continued to probe Chase, who’s main concern was to not get sick.

  Suddenly feeling as though his tie was strangling him, he immediately reached for it. His hands worked quickly to loosen it, followed by unbuttoning the first few buttons on his shirt, a sudden heat enclosed his body, causing his clothing to feel tight, restrictive, uncomfortable like sandpaper on his body. He rose from the couch, his head spun as a result of the sudden, abrupt movement but he took a deep breath as Diego jumped up beside him.

  “Are you okay?” His voice was soft, gentle and Chase realized Diego’s hand was grazing his arm, as if hesitant to touch him but as a sign of compassion. “Are you going to be sick?”

  “No,” Chase shook his head, not completely sure if this was true. He turned toward Diego and recognized the look in his eye and hesitated for a moment before continuing his thought. “I just…I just need to go to bed. Sleep it off. I’ll be fine.”

  “Are you sure? Maybe you need to eat?”

  “No, I’m fine,” Chase insisted with a quick smile. “I’m sorry, thanks, I had fun, Diego. I really did.”

  An undeniable sense of misery filled his body as he headed to his room and behind the closed door, he quickly removed his clothes until he was only wearing a pair of white boxers. His mind searched for an escape route, something that would take him away from the many thoughts that continually rolled through his head but if that night had proven anything, it was that it was impossible. The demons that haunted him were never far away; especially when trying to avoid them, instead they cropped up even larger than life at your most weak, vulnerable moments.

  He crawled into bed, attempting to deny his discomfort, he wouldn’t give into it. Chase briefly wondered how he had come to this moment in his life. The 18-year-old version of himself had been naïve, living in a world of misplaced hopes and dreams, illusions of a simple, uncomplicated life that held some meaning and yet, he had been so wrong. Talking about Diego’s youth had surprisingly erupted some ghosts of his own past; ghosts he had thought were quietly locked away, slowly dying but instead, they returned, stronger than ever and he didn’t know what to do with them.

  He drifted into a disruptive sleep, interrupted by sounds that he first thought was a dream but as he lifted his head from the pillow, glancing at a nearby clock, realized that the noise was coming from the living room. Jumping out of bed, he ignored a dull pain that grasped the crown of his head and rushed toward the door. He opened it in time to see Diego, wearing a slightly ruffled version of the same clothes, letting someone out the door; a woman. Blinking rapidly, he realized it was the waitress from the bar.

  Neither noticed him, the woman quietly scurrying out the condo while Diego closed the door behind her. Turning around, his eyes double in size when he saw Chase watching him from across the room. Diego’s shirt unbuttoned to show his bare chest, his hair disheveled as a bashful smile on his face told a story that didn’t make sense.

  “Oops, you weren’t supposed to see that,” Diego let out a gleeful giggle as he made his way toward the kitchen, where a bottle of gin sat on the counter. Pouring himself a shot, he quickly lifted it to his lips and sank it. His eyes watered as Chase approached him, feeling as though he was having a strange dream.

  “What’s going on here?”

  “That girl, from the restaurant, she came over.”

  “Yeah, I got that part,” Chase replied as Diego’s eyes didn’t hide the fact that they were scanning his semi-naked body. “Did you suddenly decide you’re not gay?”

  “Trust me, right about now,” He gestured toward Chase’s smooth abdomen, his eyes continued to drift down. “I couldn’t be more positive that I’m gay.”

  It took a moment for Diego’s words to process, Chase still feeling as if he were in a bit of a fog, he finally asked, “Why was that woman here?”

  “What? Gay men can’t have women friends too?”

  “You looked…more than friendly,” Chase countered and realized he was being too confrontational.

  Diego shrugged. “I was feeling…..you know, lonely and she slipped me her number at the restaurant so I called her up.”

  “She knows you are gay, right?”

  Diego shrugged. “It didn’t seem important to mention at the time.”

  “She probably thinks you’re interested in her.”

  “I was,” Diego said, his dark eyes earnest and his voice turned soft, “There was one, specific moment in particular that I really liked her.” A smile eased across his lips with such grace that it was intoxicating to watch. “But, you know, I think she caught me when I was weak. I told her that, I’m sorry but I couldn’t return the favor. She was actually somewhat gracious, all things considered.”

  “Why would you even bother, I don’t understand,” Chase asked pointedly. “Why would you lead someone on like that?”

  Diego studied his face in silence, his pupils widened and his lips fell open and into a gentle smile. “I didn’t mean to amigo, as I said, it was a weak moment and our conversation tonight, it made me wonder, maybe I would like women too? You know, it’s been a long time and I do think women are attractive and sexy but it’s not, it’s not, quite….quenching that fire, if you know I mean.”

  Chase was too stunned to talk.

  “So, I can honestly say I tried it with women again and it’s not for me,” He spoke with certainty, his eyes continued to search Chase’s, an unspoken question filled the air as he moved away, walking toward his bedroom. “Good night, amigo and oh,” He abruptly turned around and gestured toward the ceiling. “Can you get the lights before you go back to bed?” A faint smile touched his lips as he walked into his room and shut the door.

  Chase suddenly felt exposed and uncomfortable. Glancing toward the lime tree beside the patio doors, he suddenly had the urge to go outside. The cool June evening was an unexpected treat since it had been so hot in recent weeks. He was left with his thoughts, suddenly feeling both very sober and awake, unsure of how to process the day.

  He didn’t understand Diego but he felt like he was in quicksand, his body slowly starting to sink just as it had many times before in his young life. Jolene’s warning suddenly felt so prevalent and yet, did he want to leave this condo? Wasn’t there a part of him that enjoyed the unpredictability and vigor of life with Diego, didn’t it, in some way, make him feel more alive? Was there something to learn here?

  A chill crept up on him and he turned to go back inside. Closing and locking the doors behind him, he glanced at the lime tree before turning off the lights and
heading back to his own room. The apartment was silent again. Unfortunately, the voices in his head were not.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “Have you ever noticed that there’s a certain beauty in music?” Diego’s question came out of nowhere as the two drove to work the next morning. Still feeling slightly hung over, both physically and spiritually stagnant, Chase barely acknowledged it with a shrug, noting that unfamiliar music flowing through the car. Of course, Diego being Diego, he was picky about the sound system and when he finally ‘settled’ on buying another Lexus, his next project was to make sure music was crystal clear and ‘clean’. He was adamant about it. Chase felt a sweeping sense of relief that he didn’t work in direct sales because people like Diego would drive him over the edge. So picky, so precise but on the other side, he was a man who knew what he wanted.

  “What do you mean?” Chase finally responded, his mouth dry, his lips felt as though they would stick together, regardless of the bottle of water Diego shoved in his hand on the way out the door that morning.

  “What do you mean, what do I mean?” Diego asked as he concentrated on traffic in downtown Toronto. “You really don’t know what I mean amigo, do you?”

  A haunting song surrounded the two men and a quick glance at the dash told Chase it was “Frozen”. He briefly closed his eyes as the music and lyrics gently touched him and although Chase wasn’t about to admit it, the song contributed to his already somber mood. Glancing out the passenger window, he watched people walking on the sidewalk, going in every direction, a multicultural collection of people from every continent and yet, everyone mixed together in their own small worlds.

  “The music, it speaks to us. It speaks to our soul,” He paused and sniffed before gesturing toward the dash. “Take this Madonna song for example, without realizing it, do you think this song maybe came to me today for a reason? Do you ever wonder that? Is it a coincidence when a song comes on at just the right time?”

  His words made sense and yet, Chase wasn’t able to focus. He thought back to his days in Hennessey, as he flew down the road in his old Civic and the music that would blare through the speakers. He preferred classic rock, often drawn to Pink Floyd along with a lot of heavier songs from both past and present. Did he even listen to music anymore? Why was it so relevant at one time and now almost completely insignificant?