Always Be a Wolf

by Mima

  “Thanks, you can leave now.”

  Feeling slightly awkward, he didn’t reply but stood up and quickly dressed.

  “If I need you again, I will text you.” She commented vaguely and closed her eyes.

  It was weird but certainly not the weirdest situation he had ever been in, definitely not when it came to sex. Had he ever had a normal relationship? Maybe in high school when he was with his first girlfriend Lucy, but definitely not since. His marriage had been a joke, his affairs on the side were passionate but limited and now, here he was again.

  Heading to the gym, he felt defeated. Diego was constantly lecturing him to stop being a follower and become a leader. He insisted Chase decide what he wanted in life and go after it and yet, here he was, once again following someone else’s wishes.

  Feeling melancholy, his time at the gym was pitiful. Chase finally decided to just take a quick shower and go home. If Diego was up for a road trip, maybe that was exactly what he needed. Maybe getting out of the city would give him some clarity.

  He was just outside his building when the phone rang. Seeing that it was Audrey, he was somewhat frustrated that she would call with the kids that early in the day and not their pre-established time but decided to count his blessing that the kids wanted to talk to him at all. Having difficulty hearing, he instructed Audrey to hold on until he got inside the building, where there was much less noise to distract him. It was once inside, standing beside the mailboxes that he finally could hear clearly. She was crying.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Chase’s heart pounded frantically and he leaned against the nearest wall for support and closed his eyes. Leland was missing. His oldest son had been at his mother’s house for the weekend and had somehow got out of the house that morning and couldn’t be found. The police were searching the wooded area directly behind his mom’s as well as throughout the community. They weren’t sure when he left but there was no sign he had been kidnapped. However, all possibilities would be considered.

  Her words were too much. Overwhelmed, Chase felt as though he couldn’t breathe by the time their call ended, as he continued to lean against the wall, attempting to calm enough to make it to the elevator. His legs were weak and when he finally did move, it was almost as if they were about to give out beneath him as his mind shot in a million directions. Had Leland left the house on his own and simply wandered away or had his mother been negligent, not properly looking after him? Was he taken? Kidnapped? Was he hurt? He was only 4 years old.

  By the time he reached the condo, Chase was a mess. His thoughts were erratic while his legs now grew heavy with each step as if walking through quicksand. He couldn’t deal with this and yet, he had no other choice. A million thoughts jumbled his mind; all incoherent and screaming all at once.

  Rubbing his face, it took him a minute to realize that Diego was talking to him, his voice only added to the many thoughts racing through his head.

  “….or we could,” Diego abruptly stopped and when Chase finally managed to focus again, he saw his friend standing close by, his eyes widened in surprise, his mouth open slightly ajar and a cup of coffee in hand. “What’s wrong?”

  Chase opened his mouth but couldn’t speak. He felt Diego’s hand on his wrist, directing him to the couch, where he felt some relief as he sat down. The sound of Diego’s cup being placed on a nearby table was amplified, suddenly the loudest thing in the room; louder than the dryer running nearby, the radio that was playing somewhere in the condo, louder than even his own thoughts.

  “Audrey just called,” Chase finally managed as Diego sat beside him, attentively turned in his direction. “Leland, my oldest son, is missing.”

  “We will find him!” Diego insisted, jumping up from the couch. “Come on, let’s go!”

  “What? I don’t know if.”

  “No, we must go,” Diego insisted. “Even if they find him in the next 5 minutes, you will feel better. Let’s go!”

  “Oh, ok,” Chase thought about it for a minute, feeling slightly calmer now that the words were spoken out loud, a task that seemed painful in the moment but relieving now that he had confessed the truth. “I…I mean, I…”

  “Don’t worry about the details, amigo, go pack and I will take care of it,” Diego rushed to the other side of the room and grabbed his laptop. “We will go and make sure everything is okay and by the time we get there, he will be found, it’ll be okay.”

  Chase slowly stood up and shook his head. “Diego, you don’t have to do this. I can make the arrangements and you don’t have to come.”

  “I want to, Chase,” Diego insisted, waving his hand in the air as his eyes scanned a laptop screen. “You’re in no shape to travel alone and it gives me something productive to do for the weekend. Also, I want to see this redneck town you come from, it will be fun, you know, once your son is found.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Chase slowly started toward his bedroom.

  “They will find him,” Diego insisted. “He’s just a little boy who wandered off. Probably on an adventure and doesn’t even realize he is scaring the entire community. I did it once as a kid and I was fine.”

  Chase considered what he said and although it didn’t give him much relief, it did give him something to consider. Kids wandered off all the time.

  In his room, he packed mechanically, as Audrey’s words continued to haunt him. He sat on the edge of his bed and texted her that he was going to Hennessey as soon as he could get there. She replied by saying that the community was aware of the missing child and attempting to find him. So far, there was no luck but she would keep him updated.

  His suitcase packed, Chase wandered back into the living room, where Diego was on the phone, speaking in Spanish to someone; Chase assumed he had phoned Jolene to let her know but after ending the call, he announced that the cleaner would be in to take care of his lime tree. For the first time since receiving the news, he couldn’t help but smile.

  They rushed to the airport, able to book a flight that was only a couple of hours away, they had to check in and it was during that time that Chase learned that Diego had arranged for a rental car when they arrived Calgary for the drive to Hennessey.

  Everything was going in slow motion and yet his mind continued to race as he constantly checked his phone for updates. There was nothing. He sent a few text messages to Audrey from the airport but there was no news. His sister, who hadn’t reached out to him in months, was texting him but her reaction seemed obligatory. It wasn’t until he was on the plane that he grew angry, thinking that it was his mother’s fault; why hadn’t she watched Leland closer? Was she off in her own little dream world and not paying attention? Although deep down, he knew that wasn’t a fair assumption, it didn’t stop the anger from rising inside of him. Children were quick and it could’ve happened on anyone’s watch: but that it was hers was particularly unsettling.

  Diego did everything in attempts to distract him during the 4-hour flight from Toronto to Calgary. He asked questions about Hennessey, told him the detailed story about the time he got lost as a child in Colombia and with some hesitation, suggested Chase have a drink to relax.

  “That’s probably the last thing I need now,” Chase admitted as he turned his head to look out at the clouds that surrounded the plane. It was like flying through heaven and oddly that little thought almost made him break. What if Leland was dead? What if he got hurt? What if they didn’t find him?

  “I have something for you,” Diego quietly commented and when Chase turned, he noted a small, white pill in his hand.

  “What is that?”

  “It’s an Ativan.”

  “A what?”

  “It’s for anxiety,” Diego replied. “You put it under your tongue.”

  “I’m not big on pills…”

  “Chase, neither am I but sometimes, this is what you need in situations like this,
you know?” Diego insisted as his accent seemed to creep in. “You’ll be a basket case until we get there and it’s still hours away between the plane and the drive afterward.”

  Chase reluctantly took the pill and followed his instructions before asking, “Why did you have it?”

  “Sometimes, you know, I have a little anxiety,” Diego said and puckered his lips and glanced in the other direction.

  “I thought you were on high energy all the time,” Chase quietly commented and closed his eyes for a moment.

  “Nah, it’s a lot of anxiety but I just choose to channel it as energy. It works better that way,” Diego commented and waved down the flight attendant for a drink. “You have a pill, I have a drink. It’ll be fine, Chase, you’ll see. Everything will be fine. By the time we get to Calgary, Leland will be home, you’ll see.”

  Sometime during the flight, Chase drifted off and had dreams of his son. He saw him eating birthday cake, the entire thing by himself, scooping it up in his hands and giggling. Audrey was attempting to clean up the mess and Chase laughed and said, “Nah, just let him do it, let a child be a child.”

  When he woke up, Diego announced that they were almost in Calgary, much to Chase’s relief. When they arrived in Hennessey, he’d be able to take part in the search to find his son. Until he got there, he would feel helpless.

  The pill helped with his anxiety and he could finally think clearly again, rather than the emotion-filled clutter that was going on in his head before they left Toronto; logically, Leland was just missing. Chances were good he would be found playing in the nearby woods, unaware of the fear he caused throughout the community. He was a little wilder than the other two children, very active, always climbing, exploring and excitedly running through the house, the park, wherever he was at the time. It made sense that he would wander away to explore.

  There were so many potential dangers for children. So many things that could go wrong that kids didn’t understand; even if parents warned them a million times, these warnings were often ignored by high energy children like Leland and for the most part, he escaped with nothing more than a minor cut or bruise but what if this time were different? What if he was face-to-face with a wild animal in the woods? What if he fell and got hurt? What if someone kidnapped him or he got hit by a car?

  Parents often obsessed about what could go wrong and yet, wasn’t that a part of life? Didn’t everyone take a chance every day, especially after leaving the house? An accident, a terrorist attack, anything was possible in the world today. Perhaps Diego had been right and it was better to keep calm and wait. Chances were good that Leland would be fine.

  When the plane finally landed and everyone was getting off, Chase felt frustrated by the slow-moving group, casually taking their carry-ons off the overhead rack, as if they had all the time in the world while meanwhile, he felt like shoving everyone out of his way, tackling them like a football player that was storming ahead with only one goal in mind.

  He sent another text to Audrey, as he had been repeatedly since she first delivered the news but she said she had nothing to report. RCMP were talking about having an Amber Alert while locals were searching nearby woods, assuming the child probably just wandered off, pointing out at least the weather was warm and everyone was searching, therefore the odds were good he would be found.

  It didn’t help the unsettling feeling that was creeping back into Chase’s chest as they made their way through the airport, collected their bags and headed toward the car rental area, where Diego took care of everything while Chase stood nearby. He felt some relief when they finally got in the car and heading toward Hennessey; although he gave specific instructions on how to get there, Diego still had the GPS turned on, concerned that in his current state, Chase would miss something.

  They drove in silence for a while until Diego finally spoke.

  “It won’t be much longer, amigo, we will be there,” His comment was casual, relaxed as he took in all the surroundings as they drove along. “At least with the time difference, it’s before dinner here in Alberta, so there’s still a good chance they will find him before dark tonight.”

  Chase nodded and bit his lip. It had been hours. He couldn’t say it out loud but in his heart, he knew this wasn’t a good sign. The longer a child was gone, the bleaker the situation could be. If he was still missing by the end of the day, Chase would search for him all night if he had to; he couldn’t take the chance of his little boy being lost in the woods with hungry animals roaming around. It would be worth the risk of being in danger himself if it meant saving his son. He would do anything.

  Guilt was creeping in as they drew closer. What if he had still been in town? What if he had never left? What if he had forbidden his mother from spending time alone with the kids? What if he was still with Audrey? Would it have made a difference?

  Diego occasionally spoke, calmly asking a question or making comments as they drew closer to Hennessey but Chase felt as though he couldn’t focus on a word. The pill was wearing off and anxiety once again clutched every part of his body as they entered the town he had grown up in. As they drew closer to his childhood home, cars lined up on either side of the road long before their arrival, making it difficult to find a parking spot, Diego finally said he would drop him off at the house and then find a place to park.

  His childhood home felt like a distant memory as he got out of the car, his legs wobbly as he looked around. Strangers were everywhere, police in the yard, while all Chase could do was look for Audrey. He sent another text to her as they were getting close but she hadn’t replied. Chaos surrounded him, as a few familiar faces drifted by without acknowledging him, he hadn’t noticed at first but it was because their heads were down. They were crying.

  NO!

  It wasn’t until he overheard an officer speaking to another that he knew it for sure. He felt the blood drain from his face, while his body felt weak, limp as if it would fall to the ground and never move again. It was as Albert walked toward him, with tears in his eyes that Chase broke down. Leland was dead.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Everything happened fast. It was as if the world picked up the pace and he was unable to keep up with it; the anguish, the voices, the people all around and yet he couldn’t hear a thing. It was as if they were speaking a different language. Nothing made sense. It wasn’t until he was alone with Audrey that he felt himself coming out of his bubble and suddenly everything was in a different dimension. He could hear the blood pumping through his body and feel every breath; his eyes were suddenly more focused while his throat and lips were dry, his emotions came roaring through his body and he heard himself let out a small moan, followed by a weak, pathetic, ‘No.” It held no emotion, no strength, but weakly fell from his lips.

  Audrey’s tear-stained face was red, her blonde hair pulled back in a disheveled ponytail, she was wearing an old t-shirt and stretch pants, two different colored socks; it was as if she had weakly disembarked from a highly emotional session and no longer had it in her to even cry. He had never seen Audrey like this other than the day she told him that the marriage was over, when she collapsed on the floor in tears, children crying all around her, admitting that she had tried to force something that was never there. Now, her face filled with disbelief, she crossed the floor and gave him a gentle hug, as if she barely had the strength to even lift her arms.

  “He was shot,” She whispered in his ear, a sniff quickly followed and although he fought it, Chase felt tears filling his eyes. “He wandered into the woods and someone shot him.”

  Chase racked his brain; was it hunting season? Had someone been out searching for an animal and accidentally killed his son? Was that what Audrey was trying to say? Who had done it? Did they know? There were so many things that didn’t make sense; then again, he wasn’t ready for it to make sense. He couldn’t get past the reality that his oldest son was dead. It couldn’t be real. This couldn�
��t be happening. It felt surreal. Maybe it was a nightmare. It couldn’t be happening. There was no way his active, 4-year-old son was dead. It couldn’t be right. They made a mistake. It was someone else’s child. It wasn’t Leland. It was someone else.

  As Audrey let go of him and moved away, a calamity took over her face and filled her green eyes, as if a light suddenly surrounded her and she looked momentarily at peace, as if she had accepted the news as a fact.

  “It can’t..” Chase started to speak, his tongue suddenly felt double its size and he couldn’t talk, his mouth slowly closed. He shook his head as her eyes started to water again and she nodded.

  “It is, Chase,” She whispered and shook her head as tears rapidly fell down her face and dripped from her chin. “I didn’t want to believe it either. I didn’t want to think it was true. I didn’t even believe Albert when he identified the body. I was so angry at him and yelled at him for trying to hurt me. I couldn’t believe. I didn’t want to believe it.”

  “Well, maybe…”

  She shook her head and reached out to touch his hand. Her body suddenly was overcome by waves of sobs. “I saw,” She moaned and clutched his hand. “I saw it was him. I swear I thought I was going to die too, right there. I would’ve done anything to trade places with him. Anything.”

  Chase used his spare hand to wipe his eyes, the tears now fell so fast that he didn’t think he could handle the intense emotion behind them. It was too much.

  As he started to accept what he had, only moments earlier denied, Audrey led him toward the bed in the middle of the room. The same room he had as a child; Leland’s age and that lone fact only tore him apart more as he sat on the edge of the bed and Audrey joined him, passing a box of Kleenex that was on the nightstand. Leland’s clothes were across the room, scattered over the floor along with his favorite stuffed animal. This was his room when he came to visit his grandmother.