Lost in Shadows (Lost)

by Anita DeVito

  “Jeb?”

  “Loud and clear. Any sign of her?” There was none from his position but Beck had a better angle.

  “Hold on. I’m moving to a front bedroom.”

  He edged along the thicket until he was behind Carolina’s garage. A thin spot between plants let him cross to the Walker property. He peered in the window of the garage, finding the yellow Camaro, the nondescript sedan, and a spit-shined Mustang. “She’s here.”

  “She’s not in the living room. I can’t see anything else with that plywood. I’m blind.”

  He needed an entrance. The nails in the plywood over one of the dining room windows hadn’t been set well, and Jeb knew the plywood could be lifted to create an entrance. The window overlooked the driveway that separated the two houses. There were other options, but none as good. Slipping out of his pack, he walked down the driveway like a man who belonged there.

  “Beck, she’s not going to come willingly. If you have to come in…don’t hurt her.” In two strides, he crossed the driveway and hid in the shadow of the house.

  He lifted the plywood as though on a hinge, breaking into her house once again. The nails yielded silently, curving under the pressure he applied. The window sat at eye level and allowed enough natural light to filter in to see that the room was empty. Quickly, silently, he boosted himself through the window, sliding between the charred frame and the flat panel.

  He held his breath and stayed still. Ten seconds. Twenty seconds. A full minute passed, and there wasn’t a single sound to indicate that Carolina was in the house. He sidestepped across the room silently. The air thickened, and he fought the instinct that screamed for a gun in his hand. You pulled a gun when you intended to use it. He didn’t. Not on Carolina.

  He moved into the kitchen, his senses on overdrive.

  Click.

  The cocking of a gun had him throwing himself down to the floor.

  “Get. Out.” Carolina’s voice was unmistakable, even as flat and low as it was. BANG!

  “Carolina—” He covered his head as a bullet buried itself in the hallway ceiling. Plaster and dust rained to the floor twenty feet in front of him. “Damn it, Carolina. It’s me, Jeb. Put that goddamned gun down. Now!”

  “Go home, Jeb.” Her voice was level.

  He couldn’t see her, but the sound came from the hallway. The door to the closet sat open just a bit. “I will as soon as you’re ready to go. I’m taking you with me. Don’t argue. Let’s just get going.”

  “This is my home. You were right, wanting me gone. This is where I belong.” She spoke in the smooth, quiet tones of someone who accepted the painful terms life had imposed. “You’ve done your duty. Dismissed.”

  He swore at the cold finality of her tone. She sounded broken. A wild animal wanting a quiet place to die in peace. Sweat ran down his back, anxiety clouded his thinking. He knew for certain where she was, and she didn’t have a good shot at him. He rolled to his right, coming up against the kitchen island. “Then this is where I belong, too. I was wrong, Carolina. Everything about you is personal to me.” He climbed to his feet and crept to the hallway that led to the library. As long as she kept that door open only a sliver, he would be invisible. “Put the gun down, Carolina. You don’t want to hurt me.”

  “You’re right. You’re exactly right. But if you’re close to me, you’re going to get hurt.”

  He heard the defeat in her voice, the resignation, and then the sound of heavy metal on the wood floor. He pushed the door open slowly. She sat in a dark corner with her arms wrapped around her drawn-up knees.

  He leaped forward, sending the gun skittering across the floor, out of the room.

  “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me,” she repeated over and over, covering her head with her arms. She pushed at his chest, shoved his hands away as he tried to lift her.

  She didn’t understand, he thought, needing to touch her. Dropping to his knees, he pulled her into the cradle of his body. For the first time since he left Tallahassee, Jeb could breathe. His mind relaxed with her warm body in his arms. “Stop fighting me, Carolina. You’re not going to win, and I need to hold you.”

  …

  But Carolina couldn’t hear him, not with the screaming in her head. She desperately needed to be safe, to have those around her safe, and that meant being alone. She fought against the steel that banded around her. Nails scraped. Knees and feet kicked. Teeth bit. All in a frantic quest for freedom. He tightened his hold on her but she only fought harder.

  Her panting breath became heartbreakingly desperate cries. “Let me go. Let me go. Nate! Daddy!”

  “I’m here, Carolina.” His grip loosened, and he began to stroke her long hair. “Can you feel me? I’m here with you.”

  “Help!” She cried out with a gut-deep pain, her kicks and punches having lost most of their power.

  “It’s Jeb.” He buried his hands under her hair and made little circles on her back. “It’s just me and you. Me and you.”

  She put her palms on his chest and pushed him away. “You can’t be here. They’re coming. They’ll get you. Just like they got Katie, Derrick, and Hagerman.”

  “They won’t get us. Katie is just fine, and so is the baby. She has you to thank for that. Hagerman will recover.”

  Carolina shook her head. “It’s my fault. Let me go.” She fought hard, needing to push him away, physically and emotionally. If the last few hours taught her anything it was that she was meant to live alone. She calmed then. Accepting the role fate had for you brought a Zen-like calm. She wouldn’t fight it anymore. “It’s over, Jeb.”

  “I’m not leaving you, Carolina.” He pressed her head to his heart. She heard it race deep within his chest. He was a strong, virile man with a passion for life. Fate had a different path for him.

  She stepped out of his arms and looked into his chiseled face. “I’m leaving you. This isn’t my life. I don’t want it; I don’t want this house. I don’t want you. Go home to your family. I’m going to Nate’s friend for a little while and then going abroad. I still have my passport. I’ll go to Paris.”

  “No. No, honey. We can—”

  “There is no ‘we,’ Jeb.” She heard the pain cracking his voice. She hated that she’d put it there but, someday, he would realize the gift she was giving him. “I’m sorry I misled you. I was afraid and you were…there. You have a nice life. Go back to it.” She knew she was doing the right thing, because she didn’t stutter over the words.

  He stood frozen to the ground, eyes unblinking. His face was expressionless. Not the harsh, determined, expressionless face he used when he wanted to hide his thoughts and emotions. His face now was devoid of expression, as if he’d been wounded so deeply that he hadn’t the strength to even look hurt.

  She glanced away; his pain was one more burden she’d have to bear. “Face it, Jeb. We’re both messed up. I can barely cope with my own issues; I can’t handle yours as well.”

  “Is this what you want, Carolina?”

  She turned toward the ruin of her house. “This is what I need.”

  “There’s only one left. Hooker. You stay at Elderberry Farm until we’re done with him. Then I’ll make the arrangements to get you out of Tennessee.”

  Tears disobediently filled her eyes. Her throat closed until only a whisper of air escaped. “I can’t stay with you.”

  “I made a promise to you and to Nate. You’re staying at the farm. It’s a big house. You won’t have to see me. You can stay in Tom’s guest room if you… What do you have, Beck?” He took her arm and pulled her toward the screened-in porch. “Get to the garage. We’ve got to move.” He opened the remnant of the glass door and kicked until the plywood pulled from the frame. He pulled his gun now.

  Beck appeared from behind Emmaline’s house and jumped over the shrubs.

  “Where are the keys to the Mustang?” Jeb asked, hurrying across the yard.

  “In my pocket.”

  “Give.” He took the keys, tossed them to Bec
k and shoved her toward the garage, not hard but enough to keep her going. “Take her back to Elderberry. Call Finch on the way and get us more manpower.”

  Beck snatched the keys out of the air and gripped her arm, exactly where Jeb had.

  Jogging to keep up with Beck, she followed him through the side door on the garage and mirrored him, climbing into the Mustang. The intensity in Jeb’s eyes, in Beck’s, told her trouble had found her again. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  “Same car drove down the street twice.”

  She let out a sigh of relief. “That’s all? I thought it was something serious.”

  A glance of glacial blue reprimanded her. “Think about it, Carolina.” He gave the details of the car to Jeb as he started the Mustang. “Get down. I don’t want them getting a look at you.”

  “Let’s just face him. Get it over with.”

  Beck dismissed her with a twitch of his mouth. “Jeb isn’t going to risk you. He’ll take care of it, once I have you away from here.” He lifted a small remote. “This for your garage door?”

  “Yeah.” Carolina shifted in her seat, feeling trapped in a running car, in her garage. “Shouldn’t you turn off the car? You know, carbon monoxide and all?”

  “No need. It’s showtime.” Beck pressed the button, twisting to watch the door roll up. He backed out quickly, slammed on the brakes, and then threw it into gear and drove across her lawn to her neighbor’s driveway. Jeb’s black SUV came around the garage, crossing behind the Mustang and racing down Carolina’s driveway.

  “W-what’s he doing?” Her heart was in her throat as he disappeared from her sight. She heard the brush of metal on the road, a sound she always heard unless she crept out of her steep driveway. Two powerful engines revved.

  “Our turn.” Beck raced down her neighbor’s driveway and turned right into the road, barely slowing down. “Stay down,” he ordered, pushing on her back.

  She spread her arms wide, planting one hand on the glove compartment, the other on the door to steady herself. The car sped smoothly through turns, along straightaways. Curled onto the passenger seat, she could see Beck’s stone face, a strip of blue sky, and the clock. The minute changed. She began counting. One. Two. Three. She forced her lungs to follow the count. Five minutes went by. Ten.

  “Shit, Jeb. Do you want me to come back?”

  She curled tighter. Jeb was in trouble. What had she done? What had she done?

  Still they raced away. Several minutes passed before Beck gave the all clear. “You can sit up now.”

  She pushed herself upright, adjusting the seat belt as she looked around. They were on the highway, miles from her house. “Where is Jeb?”

  “Working.” Beck’s gaze swept the road in front of them, rearview mirror, both side-view mirrors. He kept his speed a few ticks over the speed limit but nothing worth the trouble of being pulled over.

  “Is he in trouble?”

  “Nothing he can’t handle.”

  Talking with him was like cozying up to a porcupine. Then it occurred to her that he had heard what she’d said to Jeb. “You know I’m right. The sooner I’m gone, the better for everyone.”

  He slowly slid his gaze to her, then back. “You know best.” He pulled a phone from his inside pocket and opened a conversation with Finch.

  The quiet, cold ride ended less than an hour later when Beck pulled through the gates of Elderberry Farm. A fresh wave of guilt coursed through her as she looked at the house, thinking of the people who had welcomed her.

  Katie stepped into the garage as she climbed out of the car. “How did she drive?”

  Carolina stared at the woman, her eyes narrow with disbelief. Temper she rarely showed flashed, angry with herself on Katie’s behalf. “That’s what you want to know? How did she drive? You should be angry with me, hating me. How can you act like nothing happened?”

  Katie wrapped her in a hug. She felt awkward being nearly six inches taller, but Katie hugged her fiercely. Tears welled in her eyes. Loss, remorse, and regret raked their long claws at her heart, at her soul, until she wept openly. As she regained control, she looked at Katie, her face equally streaked with tears. “I don’t know what to say about…everything.”

  “Yeah, me, too. So, how did she drive?”

  A laugh burst out that edged up to crazy. “Like a dream.”

  “So, um, Jeb called. He said to set you up in Tom’s spare room.”

  Crazy snuggled up with hysterical. “We broke up, if we were ever together. I mean, how can you be ‘together’ with someone you’ve never been out on a date with?”

  A wicked smile curled Katie’s mouth, and her blue eyes became dreamy. “Oh, you can be together. Let me show you the room while I talk you out of breaking up with Jeb.” Kate linked their arms and led her into the courtyard. “Jeb is the best kind of man. The kind you hold onto forever.”

  Heat colored her cheeks. She never talked about relationships of any kind. Never. Who would she talk to? Nate? She mentally rolled her eyes. Her brother was not a “sensitive” guy. “Did you think about dating Jeb…before you and Butch?”

  Katie snorted. “No. We would drive each other crazy inside of a week. Without a doubt, I love him. I love you, too. That’s a good thing, you know?” Katie asked when Carolina ducked her head, avoiding her. “It doesn’t do you any good to hide. It’s out there. Tom and Butch love you, too. And, well, there isn’t any reason to tell you how Jeb feels. He wears it on his face.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Katie opened the door to Tom’s wing. “It is. You didn’t know him before. Tom and I make a game of trying to make him smile. We win more than we lose but it’s nothing like since you’ve come around. We had to watch him or he wouldn’t eat. He’d just work until he collapsed. I think he took on dangerous assignments with the sheriff’s department. He’d come home bruised with some lame-ass story about camping or falling. The man moves like a tiger; he’s not going to fall down every few weeks.”

  Heat blossomed deep in Carolina as she remembered the scars she’d run her mouth over. He’d confided in her when he hadn’t told those he loved the most. She ducked her head to hide his secret, holding to her heart that part of him he’d shared only with her.

  The doors in Tom’s wing were unlocked and open. It occurred to her that that was the way Tom and Katie lived. Butch, too. She had never felt like an outsider here. She loved the vibe of their home, so different from her empty one.

  “You don’t need to sell me on Jeb. I know who he is. It’s just…”

  “Just?”

  She stopped in Tom’s living room. “Look at what you have here.” She waved her arms around to encompass the whole of the house, the family. “I can’t take this away from him, and that’s exactly what I’d be doing if I stayed with him.”

  Katie crossed her arms under her breasts. “How’s that?”

  “Katie! Hours ago a man had you by the hair and was threatening to rape you.”

  Katie shifted, her demeanor changing with the memory. “I was there.”

  “Then how can you ask why I would put a man I love in that kind of danger? How can you ask how I would separate him from his family? I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life. A w-wife.” She tripped on the word, thinking for the first time of some unknown woman in his bed each night.

  “Oh my God!” Katie’s eyes widened. “You’re sacrificing yourself for him.”

  She looked at her feet. “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours.”

  “If it doesn’t, you were the dumb-ass who set it free to begin with.” Katie paced in a circle. “What were you thinking? Never mind, I know what you were thinking. And you’re supposed to be so smart.”

  The little insult stung like a slap in the face. “I am smart. I graduated with honors. I’ve won awards that prove I’m smart.”

  “Okay, Ms. Graduated-with-honors. What’s the worst your imagination can come up with that could ha
ppen to Jeb, if you stay together?”

  “He’d be killed.”

  “So, he’s dead. He’s not hurting. You are. Try again.”

  She didn’t like this game but Katie’s cobalt gaze wouldn’t let her walk away. “Butch would get killed. You. Me. His parents. And then Jeb would blame me.”

  “So, it’s back to you again.”

  She stomped her foot. “I’m not like that.”

  “What?”

  “Selfish.”

  “Do you think Jeb will be happy without you?”

  She looked away, forcing her head to nod. “Eventually. He’ll see I’ve given him a gift.”

  “A knife in the heart. I’m sure you’ll get a thank-you note for that one.”

  “I didn’t…” But she’d seen it in his face.

  “Speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of the knife, I’ll tell you that you die all the same. It just takes longer. Here’s the room.”

  She sat for hours in the room decorated for a princess, not seeing the beauty around her. Katie’s words played on a loop in her head while she pictured the look on Jeb’s face when she’d sent him away.

  Hours later, the house was silent. Katie and Butch had left to join his tour. Beck was somewhere around, and there were men that had joined him. Two stood in the courtyard. No dinner was served because no one cooked it. There was no laughter, no music.

  She crawled from the bed and looked out the window as she had done at least ten times. The lights were on in Jeb’s office, but now, a light was also on in his living room.

  Her heart pounded with relief that he was home. Joy sang in her blood. She ran to the door, needing to see him, to hear what happened. But she stopped, hand on the doorknob.

  He hadn’t come to her.

  You sent him away.

  She released the doorknob and returned to the bed. She needed to decide what she, Carolina Walker, wanted. For herself. For her life.

  …