Razzamatazz (A Crime Novel)

by Sandra Scoppettone

  "One. Ask if respondent is the person listed in the phone book. (If yes go to Two. If no ask to speak to that person. If not at home find out when he will be home. Thank respondent, hang up. If the respondent is the one listed and a woman go to Two and Three.)

  "Two. Were you watching TV Friday night, May twenty-ninth? (If yes go to Three. If no go to Four.)

  "Three. What program? (When they tell you, thank them and hang up.)

  "Four. Were you at home on that night? (If yes continue. If no go to Eight.)

  "Five. Were you home alone or with friends? (If alone go to Six. If with friends go to Seven.)

  "Six. What were you doing?

  "Seven. What were you and friends doing?

  "Eight. Were you at a movie, out to dinner, with friends, other? (If respondent was with friends somewhere other than band concert go to Ten. If at band concert go to Nine.)

  "Nine. Did you enjoy the concert?

  "Ten. Will you be watching TV tonight? Thank respondent, say good-bye."

  "That's not half bad," Hallock said.

  "You ought to get something out of that."

  "It's worth a shot. Don't know how to thank you, Maguire."

  "Forget it."

  "This was off the record, right? I mean, you won't print this."

  "No."

  "Or tell anybody about it?"

  "Not even Mark?"

  "Specially not him. He's not in my cheering section, if you know what I mean."

  "I'll try, Chief, that's all I can promise. He is my boss."

  "Do the best you can."

  "I will."

  Outside, Colin and Hallock stood in front of the Paradise feeling the quiet of the town.

  "It's like a frigging morgue," Hallock observed. "Usually starts jumping by this time of year. I gotta get this bastard."

  "I'm sure you will, Chief," Colin said.

  But he wasn't sure at all.

  LOOKING BACK—25 YEARS AGO

  Early in January Roy Chute advertised in The Seaville Gazette for a valuable camera he had lost. The months went by with no response. Mr. Chute, who thoroughly believes in the fundamental honesty of the average individual, refused to give up hope for the safe return of the camera. One day last week he and his wife were out. Upon their return they found the missing camera on the table in the living room. Where the camera had been for five months or who returned it he had no idea. But his belief in the honesty of human nature was verified.

  TWENTY

  It was one of those days Joe Carroll hated more than life itself. No Thank God It's Friday for him. And if this morning's breakfast was an example of how the day was going to go, he was screwed.

  "Mom, how many years have I been asking you to make me four-minute eggs, huh?" The hardened yolk fell with a thunk into his bowl.

  "Look, Joey, I got a lot on my mind, okay? Your stupid eggs aren't the only thing I gotta worry about, all right? I got Billy with crusts I gotta trim, and Tommy with Sugarboats he hates and—"

  "What's Sugarboats?"

  "Cereal. And Lana with pimples so she's crying her eyes out and—"

  "Why do you give the kid a cereal he hates?"

  "Last week it was his favorite. This week he'd rather be dead than look at it," Mary explained.

  "What pimples? I didn't see any pimples."

  "On her chin. She's got two pimples on her chin."

  "And she's crying about that?" He loaded salt on the egg, pointedly used his knife to cut through it.

  "She's got a date with some big wheel at school and thinks she can't go now."

  "'Cause she's got two pimples? That's stupid."

  "Not everybody's got peaches-and-cream complexions so they never have to worry, you know."

  Joe knew she was talking about Debbie. It ticked him off that his mother didn't like her, never had. She said the Van Tuyl family thought they were too good for Seaville and looked down their big noses at the Carrolls. "You don't have to say it like it's a crime or something."

  "So have a little sympathy for your sister." She slammed down a plate with two pieces of overdone toast. "Don't say anything, Joey, I'm warning you."

  "I'm saying nothing." He eyed the toast with distaste, then began scraping, black bits falling on his napkin. Hell, he shouldn't be so hard on his mother; he knew what was wrong with her this morning and it wasn't trimming Billy's toast or Tommy's Sugarboats or Lana's pimples. It was his father. He'd come in last night drunk as a skunk again. He'd broken a couple of dishes and kept the whole house awake screaming at his mother, telling her she was stupid, the next thing to a moron, and that he should have married Sis Terry instead of her. It was a routine he did at least once a month, like he was a goddamn werewolf or something.

  Joe remembered the three years his father had been on the wagon. Those were Joe's last three years in high school, and they were great. He and his father had even become friends, going camping together like in some television program. Then the old man fell off—no, crashed off—the wagon and it had been hell ever since. At least he'd gotten away from it for awhile when he was at school. But now, Chrissake, it was like living in a war zone. Even when the old man didn't go out on his whopper drunks he was always squiffed, mean and cruel, and never did a goddamn bit of work.

  And that was the worst part. Joe had never wanted to be a mortician to begin with, but his mother had begged him, said the business would be lost if he didn't go into it, and then where would the family be? So now he was a goddamn undertaker wearing a black suit and tie two, three times a week, and when he wasn't officiating at funerals he was draining blood out of bodies and pumping them full of chemicals, rouging up their pasty faces, and combing their hair. Yeah, it was a great life hanging around a lot of stiffs.

  Like today.

  "What's wrong?" Mary asked.

  Joey looked at the deep circles, like small sacks, under his mother's eyes, the two deep furrows from nose to mouth, the sallow complexion, and he wanted to weep for her. "Why don't you leave him?" he heard himself saying, a question he'd thought many times but never dared ask.

  "Leave who?"

  He almost laughed, understanding why he hadn't asked this sooner. "Nobody. Skip it." Giving her a kiss on the cheek, he left the house.

  The mortuary was next door to the Carroll home, so Joe had only to cross the lawn to go to work. It was a beautiful June morning, sun in the sky, warm breeze tickling his arms. Boy, would he have liked going on a picnic with Debbie, maybe taking the ferries over to the Hamptons, getting a six-pack, some ham-and-cheese sandwiches, a bag of chips. But no dice.

  He unlocked the front door and went inside. The first floor held the viewing rooms and a small chapel. Today Ostrowski was in Room One, better known as the Blue Room, and Miller in Two, known as the Rose Room. Nobody was in Three yet, the Gold Room, but Turner, the stiff he had to work on, would be there by afternoon.

  Joe walked along the dark hallway. There was no need to throw the light switch, as he knew the walk by heart. He was grateful that the body he had to embalm today wasn't a kid. Like Mary Beth Higbee. That was a bitch. It really tore him up to do kids. And then the funerals themselves, the parents practically going nuts, falling on the caskets, wanting to jump in the graves.

  But Mary Beth Higbee was the worst he'd ever had to do. Besides being a kid she was his first murder victim, that goddamn A carved in her little chest. Afterwards, he'd had nightmares for two nights running.

  He opened the door to the prep room and hit the light. It was small but big enough for the job. Big enough to house the electric lift, the sink, and the embalming pump. The damn thing looked like a water cooler!

  Turner was on the table under the sheet. God, how he hated doing ones he knew. Sure, it was easier 'cause you knew what the guy looked like, but it was harder on the old emotions. A lot of people thought undertakers didn't have any feelings, but it wasn't true. He switched on his little gray Sony. Some rock group were singing their guts out. Joe saw that the station had been c
hanged from the one he usually listened to. He wondered who'd done that. Turning the dial, he found his favorite station; Frank Sinatra was singing My Way. Debbie and all his friends laughed at him for liking such square music but what the hell? Could he help it if rock left him cold?

  Next to the radio was his pair of yellow rubber gloves. He looked them over carefully, checking for cuts or holes. His father was always yelling at him for going through gloves like Kleenex, the cheap bastard. He wished the old man would do a little more work and less complaining. Besides, could he help it if he nicked a glove now and then? Those instruments were sharp. He pulled on the gloves and walked to the table. Standing next to the body, he took a deep breath. The moment of pulling back the sheet, seeing a corpse that might have passed through rigor mortis but still looked very dead, always got to him. Much as he knew, much as he'd done it maybe four hundred times, it still gave him the creeps. Ah, shit, just do it.

  With a flick of his wrist he pulled back the sheet. The body sat up and Joe screamed, stumbled backward, eyes wide and staring, mouth hanging open. "What... you... doing here? Oh, shit, no..."

  The killer sprang from the table, and Joe felt the knife plunge through his sweater, shirt, skin. It burned and he fell to his knees, his hands grabbing at the hilt of the knife, wanting to pull it out, struggling in vain against the force of the killer.

  Tears trickled from the corners of Joe's eyes as he looked into the face of his killer. "Why?" he whispered.

  "It's your birthright," came the answer.

  I couldn't have heard right, he thought. He couldn't have said birthright. He'd ask again. Later. But now he had to lie down, now he had to sleep. Slowly, Joe fell sideways, grateful for the cool of the tiled floor. Gazing at the man above him he tried to speak, ask why again. Words wouldn't come. Later, much later. He closed his eyes. The very last thought Joe Carroll had was: See you later, alligator, and he wanted to laugh but he couldn't.

  ----

  The first thing that morning Colin had put in a call to Mike Rosler at The New York Times. Mike wasn't there and he hadn't called back yet. He thought Mike might help him with information on cults, their symbols and signs. They'd gone to college together and Mike, Colin, and Mark had been great buddies, all of them determined to write for The Times. Only Mike had made it. Although writing for the Chicago Tribune wasn't kid stuff, it still wasn't the same as writing for The Times. Mark was the only one who'd never written for a big paper. He'd gone from one small weekly to another until he finally owned one himself. Colin wondered if Mark ever felt insecure about his writing history. When Colin had asked Mark why he no longer saw Mike, he'd said that Mike bored him, that he'd gotten too big for his britches. Although Colin had only seen Mike two or three times over the last five years since he'd been writing for The Times, he hadn't detected any egomania in him. And he'd been a damn good friend during the year that followed the murders of Colin's family. He hated to admit it, but he couldn't help thinking that Mark was jealous of Mike.

  There was a pile of mail to be opened and it wasn't getting done by ruminating on Mark and Mike. He slipped the silver letter opener his father had given him for his twenty-third birthday under the sealed flap of a letter addressed, in a large, slanting hand, to The Editor. It was for Mark.

  Dear Mr. Griffing,

  I had always thought we were kindred spirits until I read your column last week. I assumed that you were a dyed-in-the-wool preppy like me with tasseled loafers, chino pants, and all the rest. And then, to my horror, I find out you went to a public high school in Pennsylvania. Who ever heard of a real preppy coming from there? No, Mr. G., you don't qualify and as far as I'm concerned, you might as well be a Yippy!

  An ex-fan

  Colin laughed, picked up the phone and buzzed Mark. They were always getting letters criticizing one or the other of them and for reasons just as absurd as this. He and Mark had a running contest as to who'd get the worst letter. He pushed the buzzer again. It was nine-twenty, and Mark was usually in by eight-thirty. He buzzed Penny at the front desk. "Pen, do you know where Mark is?"

  "He hasn't come in yet."

  "Is he still at home?"

  "I don't know. He hasn't called in."

  "And he didn't tell you about an appointment or anything?"

  "Nope. Want me to ring his house for you?"

  "No, that's okay. Thanks."

  He'd never known Mark to be this late if he didn't have an appointment. He even got pissed off if Colin came in late by fifteen minutes. The phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. It was Sarah, asking if Colin knew where Mark was.

  "He had an appointment." Colin wasn't sure why he was lying but felt he should.

  "I guess he forgot to tell me," she said. " He was gone by the time I got up."

  Colin was alarmed, knowing Sarah usually arose at six-thirty. "It was a breakfast appointment," he said quickly. "Who with?"

  "Gildersleeve, about the murders." Colin swiveled his chair around and looked out on a small backyard. A few yellow and white flowers grew near a birdbath. "Sarah?"

  "Yes?" Her voice was soft, almost breathless.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Colin," she asked gingerly, "you wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

  "About what?"

  "About where Mark is."

  "Of course not, Sarah." He felt like a shit.

  "I never heard of breakfast appointments at six o'clock."

  "Well, he came in here first; you know how he is."

  "You were in the office by six?" she asked facetiously.

  "No, Sarah, I have to admit, I was happily snoozing at six." He forced a false-sounding chuckle.

  "Then how do you know he came into the office at six?" she pressed.

  "I don't know, I'm just assuming." He didn't want to say, "Where else would he go?" because he thought he knew.

  Sarah said crisply, "All right, Colin, just have him call me when he gets in."

  "Okay, Sarah, but don't—" He heard the click breaking the connection. Christ, he thought, if Mark was fooling around with Amy again, all hell was going to break loose. He was sure that this time, Sarah would leave him. But maybe he wasn't with Amy; maybe he did have an appointment.

  Colin walked down the hall, past the bank where Susan and Consuelo were pasting copy, and up the stairs to Mark's office. At the desk he turned the calendar page from Thursday to Friday. There was nothing written down before eleven. He knew Mark had another calendar, a leather-bound book. Hurriedly he searched through the papers on the desk but found nothing. Feeling like a louse, he opened the top right-hand drawer and began examining the contents.

  "Can I help you, pal?"

  Colin jumped. "Jesus, Mark!"

  Mark's eyes were hard, like chipped glass. "What are you looking for, Colin?"

  "Your calendar."

  "Yeah? How come?"

  "Sarah called and said you'd left the house by six, and she didn't know where you were. I told her you had a meeting with Gildersleeve about the murders. She didn't believe me, she said she never heard of a breakfast meeting starting at six. I said you probably came into the office first. She hung up on me. She said you should call when you came in."

  Mark tapped a sneakered foot. "So why're you looking for my calendar?"

  "I wanted to see if you did have an appointment."

  "What business is it of yours?"

  "Come on, Mark, don't be a shit. I had to lie to your wife for, God's sake."

  "So? Are you some fucking Boy Scout suddenly? Or are you bucking for the George Washington award?"

  Colin slammed the drawer and started for the door. Mark stopped him, his fingers pressing into Colin's shoulder, his eyes looking cold, devoid of any emotion.

  "What the hell's wrong with you lately?" Colin asked.

  "Me? What about you?"

  Colin remembered this technique from college days; Mark would always turn things around so that the questioner was on the defensive. He pulled out of his grip. "Let's just forget
it. You'd better call Sarah."

  "I was with Amy," Mark said.

  "You're a schmuck, you know that?"

  "Yeah, I know. I couldn't help it, Colin. She called me yesterday and said she was going to kill herself if I didn't come see her. 1 mean, what the fuck else could I do?"

  "For one thing you could have lied to Sarah instead of just disappearing. Do you think Sarah's a dope or something?"

  Mark slumped down into the gray denim couch and put his head in his hands.

  Funny, Colin thought, you know a man for years, think you understand him, and then in a flash you realize you don't know a damn thing. He would have bet twenty to one that Mark wouldn't jeopardize his marriage again.

  "It's none of my business," Colin said, "but what are you going to do now?"

  "I don't know, that's the trouble," he said gloomily. "She's such a kid, Amy. Such a mixed-up kid."

  Colin wanted to ask him why a thirty-eight-year-old man had gotten involved with a kid in the first place, but he knew that was beside the point.

  Mark said, "I'm afraid she'll do it, Colin, I really am."

  "Does she want you to leave Sarah?"

  "Yes."

  "You don't want to leave Sarah and the kids, do you?"

  "I'm so screwed up," he lamented. "You don't know, Colin, you just don't know how screwed up I am." He ran both hands through his gray hair.

  The words chilled Colin and he didn't know why. "Maybe you should see a shrink."

  "Like who?"

  "I don't know. Aren't there any out here?"

  "Yeah, I guess but—"

  The phone rang, sounding shrill and assaultive.

  "Want me to get it?" Colin asked.

  "No, I will." He plodded to his desk and picked up the white phone. "Yeah? When?" Mark looked ashen, as if he'd been drained of blood. "Oh, shit. Okay, yeah, right away. Thanks."

  "What is it?" Colin asked.

  "Another one."

  "Jesus. Who?"

  "Joe Carroll, the undertaker. Do you want to go or should I try to locate Babe? I can go, for that matter."

  "No, I'll go. I told you, it was just the kid I—"

  "Yeah, sure I understand."