Falling Away

by Devon Ashley

  “We talked about school a lot too. The differences between my private and your public, and where we wanted to go to college.”

  “Where did you end up going anyway?”

  “Community school near Yale.”

  He looked at me like I was freakin’ nuts. “You went all that way for a community college? You know, they have one in Rutland. Probably a hell of a lot cheaper too.”

  Oh, here we go. I knew it would come up eventually. “Yeah, I know. But Robert attends Yale.”

  Narrowing his eyes, he deadpanned, “Still with that one, huh?”

  “Yup. And happy, thank you very much,” I replied with attitude, daring him to challenge me more on the subject.

  He sighed, dramatically so, but I could tell he was just trying to screw with me and make me feel sorry for not being single for him. I crossed my arms and leaned back in the vinyl-padded chair. “So tell me. How the hell did you manage to slam your head into the goal post?”

  A guilty smile spread across his face. “It wasn’t my fault.”

  “Never is.”

  “I was making a break for the goal, and my fucking shoelace came loose. I tripped, my opponent tripped, and we both went down sliding like we were stealing third or something. I don’t know where he ended up, but my ass slammed right into the post.” He clicked his tongue really loud.

  “Yeah, totally not your fault,” I teased. “You know, they have this thing called the runner’s knot. You should try it out sometime. Maybe even try some Velcro.”

  Eyes narrowed, he sarcastically replied, “Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

  “So how’s the head this time?”

  “Ah, it’s nothing. Mild concussion. I just knocked myself out for a day. I’ll be ready to go again tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, you always were a little hard headed.”

  He nodded as his eyes diverted to peek at the TV. I guess that kept him from catching my sexual innuendo, ‘cause normally he’d be all over that like a fat kid on a cupcake.

  I pulled my chair back, slouched down and kicked my feet up on his bed. “You got anything besides sports?”

  “How very lady-like of you.” He passed the remote and I began to flip channels.

  “Whoever said I was a lady?”

  “You were the one that went to that fancy-pantsy private school. I thought it came with the territory.”

  “Well, then you definitely hit your head pretty hard ‘cause if you remembered me at all, you’d know I’m nothing like most those girls. But with any luck, yesterday’s clumsiness will knock whatever sense you lost the first time back into place.”

  He crossed his arms and playfully glared, limiting the light’s access and darkening the tone of his eyes to a warm forest green. “You are quite the smart-ass, aren’t you?”

  I momentarily pretended to be offended, then dropped the act lickety-split. “Oh! So you do remember me?” I teased. I switched my crossed legs and continued flipping channels until I found a comedy we could both agree on. “And if you’re gonna bug me till that itch is scratched, better get to it, ‘cause pretty soon I’m gonna have to bail to catch the bus back to my little neck of the world.”

  I didn’t look, but I could sense the smile, feel the soft glare directed my way. It faded for a bit, and we were ten minutes into a syndicated rerun when his soft tone said my name.

  His face was void of expression and I wasn’t really sure where he was about to take this. My heart skipped a beat.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?”

  “No offense, Evan, but you didn’t take that information too well inside our dream world. And when you came out of the coma, you didn’t remember anything. And your body had already been through so much. I just didn’t wanna burden you anymore.”

  “Yeah, but it left all the burden on you. I don’t need you to protect me.”

  It was more likely I was protecting myself. Part of me wanted to deny the whole thing. I tried to force a smile but failed miserably, surely flashing him the most unflattering look ever. It still hurt that he didn’t remember. “You promised me you’d remember everything that happened. But you didn’t. And you didn’t know me in the real world. I just…decided the best way I could be a friend to you, was to just let you forget.”

  His face saddened me, filled with so much pain and sorrow. And he didn’t even know what we really had in there, or the love that we lost. But I did, and I still felt it to this day. It was never gonna be enough to question my relationship with Robert, but I still felt it nonetheless.

  My heart felt really heavy, damaged almost, and it made the trip home practically unbearable. Not that I would have ever allowed myself to sleep on a long bus ride filled with questionable strangers, but I really wished I could have slept through some of the pain. And the guilt. Spending that time with Evan, as short as it was, still managed to open a whirlwind of emotions I’d stuffed deep within my soul. I’d never really come to terms with what happened. I think that if our relationship had happened in the real world, I would’ve dealt with it and moved on already. So in that aspect, I felt cheated. How the hell did one move on from something like that? How did one know what bits and pieces were real, which feelings were real? You just couldn’t. And it kept me always wondering, kept me from properly moving forward, kept me constantly questioning my other relationship.

  I crashed when I got home in the early morning hours. And to make sure my dreams that night would be sleepless, I took an Advil PM to really knock me out. Boy was that a mistake. I didn’t wake up again until late afternoon. Yeah, I felt refreshed, and my insides didn’t feel as emotionally damaged anymore, but I had to take another pill by midnight just so I could get my sleep cycle back on track.

  On Sunday, I buried myself in reading assignments and blasted the music so I could barely hear my own thoughts. Not quite sure how much academic knowledge I retained, but it sure kept my thoughts of Evan at bay. By early afternoon my anxiety had pretty much disappeared and Evan was fading fast from my train of thought. Thank God. Don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic that he was alright and that I wasn’t the only one just shy of tripping over the crazy line, but I just wanted my life to get back to normal again. And I was so ready to jump into Robert’s arms when I picked him up at school, but held back the moment I saw him.

  “Ooh, baby. Are you okay?” I asked. He was paler than normal, his eyes a little red and exhausted from head to toe. Not to mention his skin looked all clammy.

  “No. You drive, okay?” Dropping his bag, he sidestepped me for the passenger door and practically fell into the car, which was saying something since he’s a bit oversized for the Infiniti. I shut the door behind him, threw his bag in the trunk and made my way to the driver’s side.

  “Air or heat?”

  “Air, please.” He adjusted the seat until he was laid back and stretched out as far as possible. When we pulled to a stop at the light, I felt his forehead. Moist and warm. He softly moaned as I stroked my fingers through his hair.

  “When’s the last time you ate something?”

  Disgusted at even the mention of food, his face scrunched up and he weakly shook his head. He passed out quickly, so I took the opportunity to stop at the local bistro and order chicken soup to go. Sorry, little Susie homemaker I wasn’t. And the last thing I was gonna do was attempt to make soup for the first time when he was sick.

  But I decided not to bug him with food just yet. He barely made it to the bed before passing out again, and I struggled to get his two-hundred pound, muscular ass stripped out of his warm-up suit. I swore he felt like three hundred pounds at that moment. He slept a good three hours before waking up and stumbling out into the living room, crashing next to me on the sofa where I was making notes for my zoology class.

  “Hey,” I said soothingly, reaching out to scratch his head as he laid it back over the cushion. “Any better yet?”

  “Little.”

  “Enough to eat some chicken noodle soup?�
�

  His head rolled my way, confusion all over his face. “You cooked?”

  Laughter burst out of me. As if. “No. You know I’m the queen of take-out. You want it or not?”

  “Yeah, I’ll try it.”

  I reheated his dinner, and as he slowly sipped at the broth, I asked, “So what’s wrong with you?”

  “I don’t know. Bug, maybe? I’m feeling a little better but I’m so tired, and you rubbing my head isn’t helping with that.”

  I chuckled. “Want me to stop?”

  “No.” He weakly smiled, and after another sip, asked, “Your weekend go better than mine?”

  “Apparently. Caught up with an old friend from Rutland. Studied a bit. Now I’m taking care of your sick ass.”

  Yeah, I tried to sneak it in there, but true to form, even in sickness I couldn’t pull the wool over Robert’s eyes. “Anyone I know?”

  “No. Just a guy I knew from my volunteer days.”

  “Guy, huh? Anyone I need to worry about?”

  I practically choked on the laughter escaping my chest. “What?”

  “Oh, come on Jenna. I’ve seen the way guys look at you, even when I’m standing right next to you. You’re hot and they notice. Just tell me now if I need to make my presence known and stake my territory.”

  “You are not peeing on me,” I replied, grinning. Even the slightness of my push against his shoulder got his weakened body to lean a bit too far. “You’re the one I love.”

  “Good. Because quite frankly, I’m too sick to kick his ass if he was trying to move in on you.

  “I’m going to go back to sleep for awhile.” He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, the warm scent of soup following his movement. “Love you.” He stood, and my body swayed as his body pressure left the sofa. “I’d offer you the rest of this but I don’t think you’re going to want to eat after me.”

  “No. And neither should you. Just leave it and I’ll throw it out.”

  He murmured an agreement and shuffled back to the darkness of our bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Robert’s words made me grateful Evan didn’t remember our past, ‘cause then he might have actually tried to move in. It was funny. In the beginning I wanted Evan to remember everything that happened, but now I prayed he never did. I didn’t want to hurt either one of them. Ever. And Evan’s memory could cause my world to come crashing down in a single, painful heartbeat.

  Ignorance really was bliss.

  Ah, Christmas. Trees were blinking, sleigh bells were ringing and carolers were singing. But sadly, it wasn’t the halls I wanted to deck. That honor belonged to Robert’s mother.

  “Jenna, seriously. Don’t put a silver ornament next to another silver ornament. Everyone will be staring at that spot because it’ll be the only spot that doesn’t have a change of color, and they’ll wonder what fool put those two together.”

  Wow. Really? That’s the fifth time she snapped at me the past hour, and I now understood why the help they had in this house wasn’t allowed to put up the decorations. Apparently no one but Mrs. Penelope Jennings was talented enough to do it right. Even the garlands we hung had to be measured and pinned at exactly fifteen inches apart. Exactly!

  Just for fun, I occasionally nudged it to sixteen when she wasn’t looking.

  I was definitely gonna have to ask Issy where she kept the hidden stash of After-Penelope liquor. She was their maid, and a thirty-year-old immigrant from South America. Only Robert’s mother called her by her formal name, Esmeralda. And I knew there was no way in hell she didn’t have to drink herself to bed every night in this household.

  I mumbled an apology, which of course she rolled her eyes over ‘cause I didn’t speak at a proper auditory tone. I shot a pitiful look of absolute misery Robert’s way and he solemnly mouthed, “I’m sorry.” I wanted to kill him for sitting across the room watching football while I rotted away in hell, but even Robert had proven unworthy to decorate after his many years here. I was half tempted to continue screwing up on purpose, but figured it wasn’t worth the nagging that was sure to follow. A few more hours and my servitude to the devil would be over. And I’d have Robert give me a full body massage to relieve the tension, but in this household we weren’t allowed to be in the same bedroom together. We might have sex, you know?

  As if we’d want to with his mother right down the hall. The woman was a life-sucker. Trust me when I said our energy levels were at absolute zero by the time we headed to bed, so sex was the last thing on our minds around here.

  My only condition for coming to Robert’s family home for Christmas was this: at no time was he allowed to ever leave me alone with his mother. To do so would mean I’d get to stab an ice pick in his eye. So when Robert’s dad tried to get him to follow him to the study to go over Robert’s finances, I knew the whispered conversation that followed involved that very request. Having been subjected to Penelope’s criticism’s plenty of times himself, I began to get sympathy glances from his father as well.

  My only solace was Julie, the wife of Robert’s brother, Reynold. Finally an ally! We clicked instantly when we met last year at Christmas (super joyous then too, by the way) and realized neither one of us were who Penelope wanted her boys to be with. Guess it’s saying something when both boys go with the complete opposite of their mother. Unfortunately, mumsie noticed our bonding, and we couldn’t help but notice the ol’ divide-and-conquer philosophy when it came to dishing out the decoration assignments.

  Julie was already married into the family, so since I was the only one left Penelope could truly ruin, of course I got stuck with her. I just wished this freakin’ house was decorated already. Who the hell waits until December twenty-third to decorate their house when they have a huge party planned for Christmas Eve? It’s almost like she planned this just to make us suffer.

  Probably her Christmas present to herself.

  Four hours later my servitude was done. After dinner I kissed Robert good night and sank into the bathtub for two hours before dragging my wrinkly, over-hydrated ass back out.

  I actually got to sleep in the next morning. Now that it was party day, Penelope was too focused on the caterers and waiters to notice I was missing. Robert actually came and woke me up at eleven, thinking I was never gonna come back out. He dragged me out of bed, passed me my coffee and shoved me into the bathroom. And after flashing me a super sexy grin and a wink as he closed the door on the way out, I really wished he would’ve stuck around a bit longer. I would have totally made it worth his while.

  Robert and I snuck out of the house with Reynold and Julie to hit up a movie and a quick bite to eat before dressing for the party. No one wanted to be near Penelope as she constantly yelled at the guest staff, and it was impossible to lose the madness anywhere in the mansion. For the first time in days we each had a smile plastered across our face, the tension finally seeping from our systems. But all groans, moans and headaches made a sudden reappearance the moment we pulled into the drive and parked in the garage.

  Robert said the party included the same people year after freakin’ year. Business associates, important clients, close friends and neighbors, and family that used the opportunity to make their obligatory yearly visit while Penelope was forced to behave in front of her other guests. Wish I had thought of that. And of course, my most favorite gal pal in the world, Anne Bridgeway, who took the opportunity to wear a dress with a plunge line that dipped all the way down to her belly button.

  Hey, look at that. An outie! And it’s pierced…of course. Bet the girl had a large tramp stamp too.

  It was only an hour into the party and already I was bored out of my mind. Robert and I were forced to mingle with these people, most of which I couldn’t care less if I ever met again. After two hours I needed something to refresh me. The bartender was limited on Ginger Ale so I offered to grab my own from the kitchen. Big mistake. Jenna Enemy #1 was in there and it was too late to walk back out without being seen. She forced a sharp smile as she swirled the c
ocktail in her hand.

  “Mrs. Jennings,” I said politely, making my way to the refrigerator, determined to exit as soon as possible.

  “Jenna, good. I’d been meaning to get you alone. I didn’t want to say this in front of Robert.”

  Shit.

  “You know, it still surprises me you want to go all the way to Rutgers when Yale can offer you a better education.”

  Ugh. This again? My choice of schools was such a broken record.

  “Are you and Robert having problems?”

  You wish, bitch. “No, ma’am. I’ve always had my heart set on Rutgers. I guess I’d be remiss if I didn’t follow what I feel is right for me.” I opened the door disguised as cabinetry and scanned for my soda.

  “So it’s the education you seek? I thought perhaps it was because going to Rutgers would cut your drive to Penn State by two hours.”

  Thank the Lord I was buried head first in the refrigerator, ‘cause there was no way to hide the way my eyes just bugged out, filled with fear over what she may know. Damn it! I knew I should have withdrawn cash from the ATM to purchase those damn tickets! I should’ve known the old crow would find a way to get a hold of Robert’s purchase information and comb through it meticulously. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

  Forcing a slow breath into my lungs, I calmed my face and emerged from the refrigerator with my soda in hand. It probably wasn’t good that I wanted to smack the smug grin off the face of my boyfriend’s mother, huh? “Why would I wanna do that?”

  “You tell me. Someone purchased tickets to and from Penn State when Robert was out of town at a swim meet, so I know it wasn’t him.”

  Unbelievable. I crossed my arms and leaned back against the counter as I returned the chilly glare. “Seriously? You’re going through his finances? He’s not a kid anymore. He’s twenty years old.”

  With a belittling expression, she said, “Exactly. And until he’s proven he can make proper decisions, I’ll check behind him to make sure he doesn’t stray off the right path. And that includes making sure others don’t compromise him as well.”