Falling Away

by Devon Ashley

  “Don’t call him,” Jhett replied, heavy emphasis on the ‘no’ part of that command. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this, Jenna. He is really, really pissed off right now. And I don’t see him forgiving this before school starts, so you need to figure out where you’re going to stay in the meantime.”

  Thunk. The hypothetical sound of my heart completely dropping from my body, ‘cause at that moment, I truly couldn’t breathe. It was like my heart just quit, cut the nagging tethers that forced it to stay and support me, then just leapt to its death. ‘Cause I really had screwed up this badly.

  Thunk.

  Catching my breath, I jiggled my head several times before I repeated, “Where I’m going? I don’t have anywhere to go out there. What classmates I know all have roommates. I mean, I’m gonna have to go get a job before anything. I probably don’t have enough money saved up to cover room and board for the entire semester. I should just go.”

  Funny I said that. I should just go, ‘cause that was the complete opposite of what my body could do in this moment. Horrible feelings of anxiety had spread throughout my body to the point that even my mind seemed numbed. The words were coming out, but I wasn’t really paying too much attention to them. ‘Cause all that mattered, was that Robert didn’t want me anymore. Jhett had to convince him to hold on to my things just so he wouldn’t officially dump me today. But when’s that gonna be? Tomorrow, the next day? Next week? Maybe it would’ve been better today, just so these horrible feelings didn’t continue to drown me, to suffocate me, until the bitter end.

  “Jenna,” Sophie said soothingly, touching my hand to draw my attention her way. It was comforting, and reminiscent of the Sophie I always knew, before I royally fucked up and pissed her off. “You can stay here with us until you figure this out.”

  “No,” I replied, so quickly I wasn’t sure how my brain even managed the answer. I looked up into those gorgeous blue orbs, feeling the disappointment from that one syllable. “No. But thank you, Sophie. You guys need your own space, and I need mine. Mr. Rockwell always said I could come back to work for him anytime. I’m sure he could take me on full-time if I asked.”

  “In Rutland? Jenna, you can’t go back there! The last thing you need is to be closer to Evan. Hasn’t he caused enough trouble already?”

  I puffed a silent burst of air, slightly annoyed she’d even think this was about Evan. “He goes to Penn State. He won’t even know I’m there.”

  “Like he didn’t know you were at Yale?” she mocked.

  “God, Sophie.” I rubbed the top of my eye cavities roughly. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, okay? You know I’m not gonna mooch off you. I made my mess, I’ll figure out a way to move forward.”

  “What about school? It’ll take you forever to complete it if you’re off working all week.”

  “I’ll call Monday and see if it’s not too late to enroll for spring session. Maybe I’ll take a night class or two until I can save up some money to transfer to a university.”

  “Why don’t you go stay with my parents for awhile? You know they love you like a daughter and will totally help you figure out your next move.”

  “No,” I said numbly, staring off into nothingness. “Look, I figured out a way to get accepted into Pennington, and I figured out a way to get scholarships to help pay my tuition. I’ll figure out how to move forward. Just give me a little time, okay?”

  I could sense she wanted to argue, but I caught the slight movement of Jhett’s head next to me, and Sophie relented. But she still wasn’t done with me. “Fine. Go to Rutland, live in some shithole, work a crappy paying job and go to night school, even though you have friends that could help you through this situation financially, but whom you’re completely shoving off.”

  She stormed off, and I felt it necessary to call out, “Sophie.”

  She put her hand up but kept walking. “It’s fine. You can do what you want, but there’s no way you’re stopping me from filling up a bag with some of my clothes and bathroom essentials. That’s the last thing your ass needs to be wasting your money on right now.”

  I chuckled, but tears were beginning to well up behind my eyes. “I love her.”

  I sensed Jhett’s smile as he gently stroked my back. “She was still holding out hope that Robert will be over this in two days, so you going off to build yourself a new life will be a complete waste of time.”

  I twisted toward him. “So tell me. Honestly. On a scale of one to ten. How bad is it?”

  “Nine. Maybe an eight by the time I left.”

  “He’s not gonna get over this anytime soon, is he?”

  Quietly, he answered, “I don’t think so. He’s pretty mad, Jenna. You’ve hurt him more than anyone ever has, and I don’t think he knows how to deal with that. For what it’s worth, I think it’s actually pretty smart of you to go off and find a new road. Just in case.”

  Words that would haunt me the rest of my days. Just in case.

  I knew I wasn’t supposed to call. Jhett said Robert didn’t wanna talk to me yet, and trying to call him would only annoy him more at this point. Jhett was just as surprised as I was that Robert was holding onto his anger so long, so much that he had no desire to talk to me about it. He had every right to be mad, but didn’t I have the right to defend myself? The argument we had before he burst out of my life wasn’t enough. We didn’t get to say everything we were thinking, everything we were feeling. I was doubtful I’d ever find the courage to explain the whole truth, but I still wanted to try my best at convincing him that he was the one I loved.

  My insides were so knotted I felt nauseated, nervous to speak, but as expected, he didn’t pick up. It saddened me to hear him over voice mail, sounding happy and energetic, recorded long before I crushed his heart.

  I sighed, dreading the thought of leaving a blabbered, tear-infested message for him to find. Soothingly, I answered the beep with, “Hey, Robert. It’s me. I was hoping you’d pick up and talk to me but I guess you’re still not ready. Just as well, I guess, ‘cause I’m not really sure what to say. I’m sorry, obviously. So, so sorry. I don’t know what happened. One minute we were happy and the next…” I sighed heavily, fighting hard against the tears trying to drown my eyes. “I didn’t realize Evan thought that way about me. I was just this girl he knew from the hospital. He didn’t act like he was interested the last time I saw him, so I had no idea he was gonna do that. But I guess that’s neither here nor there. I just wanted to–”

  That horrible beep cut me off.

  “…tell you I love you.” I sighed heavily again, ended the call and leaned my head against the bus window, taking in the rainbow-colored display bursting through the night’s sky, marking the beginning of what I feared would be a horrible year to come. “Happy New Year,” I muttered hurtfully.

  These past two weeks had been the longest of my life. I didn’t bother enrolling in the community college in Rutland. I already had three semesters under my belt, and taking three or six more hours wasn’t really gonna do anything to get me transferred to Rutgers, so I decided to get as many hours as I could at A Light in the Attic, the town’s bookstore. I loved it. It wasn’t as large as a major chain, but it was quaint and had that antique library feel to it, but without the musty smell you’d expect to go along with it. The best part was that Delilah’s Delectables & Coffee House was next door, and a portion of the wall had been removed to connect the two businesses, so I got to smell the wonderful, mind-numbing scent of chocolate and coffee all day long. I’d probably gain five pounds just smelling the fudge, but it’d be totally worth it.

  On my day off I usually ran my errands and crashed in my little twenty-by-twenty foot studio, but I was still tempted to find a secondary job on Sunday to bring in a little extra cash.

  Mr. Rockwell was glad to have me back, having just lost an employee. He hated training new people so my timing couldn’t have been better. Guess that made one of us happy I was back in town. Since I probably knew the business b
etter than the other workers there, he had me working the twelve-to-nine shift so he could open up each day and I could close. I wasn’t complaining. It paid three bucks more an hour and I could sleep in late, and since I didn’t know anyone in town, I didn’t have much of a life anyways.

  Monday night I was humming along with the Adele song that was quietly playing throughout the bookstore, wondering exactly how one would set fire to the rain, when that voice stunned me for the second time in as many weeks.

  “Do you have the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan?”

  My eyes momentarily bulged, then slowly rolled in annoyance. Why was I not surprised? He found me at Yale easily enough, so it figured he’d find me here, too. I didn’t even bother turning around, pretending to be too busy reshelving the books alphabetically in the Romance section.

  “Yes,” I answered sharply. “Fantasy’s against the back wall over there,” I said, pointing. “Books are shelved by author’s last name. We’ve got a ton of his stuff, so you can’t miss it.”

  “Jenna,” he softly whined.

  “Go away, Evan,” I deadpanned. I left my cart in the middle of the aisle and headed toward the back, deciding this would be an excellent time to take my break. Pushing through the door labeled Employees Only, I weaved left, then right, and into the small employee’s break room. All we had was a small table, mini refrigerator and a sofa, ‘cause typically only about three of us worked the store at one time. I pulled a soda out of the refrigerator, praying the caffeine would help fight the pulsations that were growing in my head.

  How the hell did he keep finding me? Granted, I wasn’t off the grid as much as I was when I lived with Robert, but still, I’d only been in Rutland for two weeks now. And to show up at my job? How the hell?

  But crap! I slammed my soda down on the table. Tiny amber droplets burst through the opening and misted my arm. My other hand rubbed at my face, trying to soothe the tension away. I was still trying to repair my relationship with Robert. Evan hounding me was the last thing I needed right now.

  Fifteen minutes passed on the clock and I groaned, dreading my return to the sales floor. I checked myself in the mirror, noticing the paleness of my skin. Good. Maybe if I resembled a pasty vampire he’d get turned off and rethink chasing me down. I left the safety of the back and made a beeline for the cart I abandoned, finding it right where I left it. Continuing with my work, I fought my curiosity to scan the bookstore for him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was thinking of him, wondering about him, which unfortunately, I couldn’t stop doing. No point in letting him know that though. If he was still around, he didn’t approach me again, and I made it through the last two hours of my shift standing my ground.

  But he came back the next day. I didn’t know how long he’d been there, but I was leading a customer to the New Age section when I spotted him in one of the leather arm chairs we kept off to the side. He looked up from his book and caught my gaze, and I threw him an annoyed glare until I disappeared down an aisle. I offered to stay and help the lady find whatever she needed, desperately trying to keep myself busy to keep him at bay, but I honestly had zero expertise about the subjects of New Age. So when I made my way back, of course he stood in the path between me and the help desk.

  Anger flared in my chest and I didn’t know why. Was I really that mad at him? I had tried so hard not to think about him, to downplay what happened. Sure, I played my part in this fiasco, but a little resentment still resided toward him for instigating it.

  My eyes remained hard, even though the softness of his facial features used to melt my heart. “What are you doing here?” I snapped, crossing my arms and shifting my weight onto one leg, my stance screaming get the hell away from me.

  His hands went up in surrender. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. About what happened.”

  I couldn’t stop the eye roll. “About kissing me? Or getting caught kissing me?”

  His lips pressed together as he thought on it. “I don’t regret kissing you, but I do regret the way it went down. I didn’t want you to break up that way. I wanted you to break up because you wanted to be with me.”

  Haughty, my hands went to my hips as I challenged, “What in the hell makes you think we’ve broken up?”

  With fake disbelief, he replied, “Really, Jenna? You’re in Rutland. By yourself. Working a minimum wage job. I seriously doubt you’d be doing this if you were still with Richie-Rich.”

  “His name is Robert. And I never said we broke up,” I replied defiantly, popping the P sound in up.

  “Fine, whatever. Look, I didn’t come here to start a fight with you or anything. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened. I only meant to talk to you that night. But when I saw you…” he paused, slightly shaking his head, and I felt the fire within cool just a bit. “I don’t know. We were standing there together, and it felt wrong not to hold you, and I just couldn’t stop myself from kissing you.”

  I felt my defensive stance lighten, my hardened shell cracking and a few pieces shattering to the ground. “Fine. You’re forgiven. Doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at you.”

  “Well, then give me the chance to correct that. Let me take you to dinner.”

  “No,” I answered at the speed of light. I pushed past him, the back of my hand brushing the firm muscle in his bicep to edge him over.

  “Come on, Jenna,” he called at my retreating back.

  I shook my head and continued on to the help desk, where thankfully, another patron was waiting for service. My reprieve was short-lived as Evan returned again the next day. That’s when I realized this would be a very long week, ‘cause since I worked six days a week, I was only on day three of six.

  Evan leaned back in the same brown chair, eyeing me softly as the day progressed. For two hours he did nothing but slip peeks, which shamefully, I only knew ‘cause I couldn’t keep my eyes’ curiosity from wandering in his direction. When I realized he was gonna spend the entire day like that, I forced myself to approach him for once.

  Hands on hips and serious face on, I stepped before him. He innocently glanced up at me and a warm smile spread across his cheeks. You haven’t won anything. “What are you doing here? I’m not going out with you.”

  “I haven’t asked you that today, and since you already said no to that question yesterday, it’s not currently up for debate. But I’m thrilled the idea of me asking you out is weighing heavy on your mind.”

  The gold flint in his eyes didn’t really sparkle in this semi-dim atmosphere, but they still had this annoying way of mesmerizing me every time they met with mine.

  “You know, when you spend hours upon hours in an establishment without buying anything, it’s called loitering.”

  “You’re right.” His thumb slammed the cover of The Shadow Rising before he rose. I jerked back, determined to keep a minimum safe distance from those evil, seductive lips that I once allowed to kiss every part of my body. “I should get a coffee. It’ll keep me alert so I can finish this novel today.”

  My mouth fell open at the realization that he wasn’t going anywhere, and that he actually had the right to stay and read as long as he wanted. He winked as he passed, and the familiar scent of his cologne warmed my insides. Butterflies threatened to tickle, but I squashed them fast. I was not gonna let him slowly win me over. Not if there was a chance in hell I could get Robert back.

  I snuck my cell phone out and decided enough was enough. I’d tried calling a few times and he never answered, but maybe I could get a text message out of him. I quickly typed, then stared at my words for two minutes, debating if I should really hit send. Please forgive me. I don’t want it to end this way. I need you. My thumb lightly tapped the phone repeatedly. Finally, I sucked it up and sent it. Probably shouldn’t have, ‘cause I spent the rest of my shift checking my phone to see if it mysteriously turned its ringer off or died on me. Pathetic, I know, and believe me when I say I berated myself for it every time I checked.

 
My eyes glanced toward Evan each time I returned my phone to my pocket. He caught my phone check several times, and I was quite certain he knew what I was doing. Did he find it pathetic too? Or was he just lying in wait to see if Robert would ever give me the time of day again, officially making me a vulnerable free agent. But Evan’s blank face continually left me questioning his true thoughts.

  Sometime around midnight, I heard a bird chirp. I gasped as my body involuntarily thrust upward from the bed and stumbled the few steps in the dark to retrieve my phone. The pounding in my chest intensified when Robert’s name flashed across the screen, informing me of a text message. I hesitated, afraid to push the button that would allow me to read it. What if he told me to go to hell? Sure, he should’ve calmed down by now, but what if he hadn’t, and I just pushed him over the edge by bugging him one too many times? What if this was the text that told me I’d lost him forever?

  I sorta collapsed onto the edge of the bed, my thumb twitching over the screen. I bit the right side of my lower lip as I found the courage to push on the notification. I’m not sure I can. You didn’t push him away. My chest expelled the air in my lungs and my mouth fell as my face went slack. I don’t know how long I sat there staring at those words, but I had to keep the phone from dimming several times.

  It wasn’t what I hoped for, and it left me wondering what to think. No, he hadn’t completely given up on me, but he still didn’t seem close to making a decision. How long was I supposed to wait? Would he even tell me if he decided against me, or would he just leave me hanging for good measure? I don’t know what led me to do it, but I suddenly came to life and dialed his number. One ring, two, three… After the fourth, voicemail picked up and I hung up. He still wasn’t gonna talk-talk to me.

  Why wasn’t he talking to me?! It was starting to tick me off! We were never immune to fights; we’d had our fair share as a couple. Sure, we’d get ticked off at one another, go several hours without speaking and even sleep in separate beds for the night, but we always forgave each other and got over it. He’d never avoided me like this before, and I just didn’t know what to do anymore.