by Calinda B
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, how’s your job going?”
“It’s…I’m…I’m taking a break, that’s how. I got in over my head.” I glare at him in challenge, thinking of his judgment of the fantasy world. “What’s it to you?”
His expression is completely unreadable. “How are all your big dogs?” He frowns.
My jaw drops and my eyes widen. I’m sure I look like a pop-eyed goldfish. “What did you say?”
He meets my eyes with a challenging stare of his own. “You heard me. How are all your big dogs?”
“So you did tell someone! Jesus fucking Christ, Jonas, I told you my secret in confidence!” I’m so mad I want to strangle him.
“I never told a soul, V.” A wide grin spreads across his face.
My mind reels with possibilities and scenarios. Jonas has been in my Headspace. Jonas! How could I not have known? “Which one are you? And how could you get past my scrutiny? I have a lot of security measures in place to keep the nut jobs out.”
A mirthless laugh leaves his mouth. “It wasn’t difficult, I can tell you that. I have years of experience. I learned to keep my own counsel and shield my thoughts. I had to learn that big time with Jenner—not that she can read minds or anything. And you—you’ve tried scanning me a time or two over the years. I got used to blocking you when you did that. I figured if we weren’t intimate, you didn’t deserve to access my fantasies. I’d have to grant you those rights. Which I’m more than willing to do if you’ll let me…”
My heart lurches. I glance at Nigel, who’s sitting next to me, purring.
This is going better than I expected. It’s fun to watch.
I don’t like you staring at me.
Get over it. Humans are weird. I’m studying you.
Go take a nap. Go! I stab the air with my finger.
My cat saunters away, flicking his tail with a fuck-you nonchalance.
“Who were you, Jonas? Which avatar? Tell me.”
He chuckles. “You have to know. Guess.”
I smack my forehead with my hand. I knew it! “You! You’re Himeros!”
“And you’re Desire. But I already knew that.”
I fall back against the cushions and put my hands over my face. That’s why there was so much mystery! That’s why there were so many blurred edges. That’s why the distinction between fantasy and reality was so not there. I can’t look at him. He’s seen me at my neediest. He’s seen me at the brink of want and despair. He’s seen me at my sex-soaked, fantasy-filled job. He’s messed with my head. And he’s evoked so much desire in me I could combust. A wave of arousal shoots through me. “Jesus, Jonas! I should toss you outside on your ass and never see you again. Do you have any idea what you did to me? Any at all?”
He cringes. “I can say the same to you. It was torture, to experience you all turned on for my character and you thought it was someone else. I actually got jealous.”
I let out a loud laugh. “You got jealous? Of yourself?”
He shrugged. “The mind is a powerful thing. I had this fantasy that the only person you’d ever love would be me. I wish you’d confided in me. I wish you’d told me what you do for a living.”
“I didn’t want to,” I say in a muffled voice. “I didn’t want to be judged.”
“I might have judged you. But, knowing you, you’d have helped me understand.” His fingers curl around my wrist and attempt to pry my hands from my face. “Look at me.”
I resist him with as much force as I can manage. “Let go of me.” We’re struggling in complete resistance to one another. “I said, let go!”
Exasperated, he complies. “Goddamn it, Vienna. Look at me.”
I remove my hands to stare at him.
“What the hell were you trying to do, Jonas?”
His face turns beet red. “I was trying to ascertain if I even stood a chance with you.”
“By becoming a fantasy character? Any dipshit can do that.”
“Yeah, but not every dipshit can have the connection I felt with you…feel with you. That’s when I knew I could rid myself of Jenner. That’s when I knew I would do anything to win you back into my life. I mean, after that kiss at the club…” He drifts off, caught up in the memory, no doubt.
“Pretty elaborate scheme you concocted. I’ve never known you to be devious.”
“More like desperate.”
“Wait a minute,” I say, thinking back. “Your avatar left me all kinds of messages on HoloMess the night you got wasted. How could you have done that? I was with you all night.”
“Don’t forget, I took all kinds of bathroom breaks.”
“So you were in there, fortified with liquid courage, pulse-comming my service to try to get into my Headspace?” I was incredulous.
He appears sheepish. “Yeah. That was me.”
“How could you manage that? You were barely coherent when I finally took you home.”
He shrugs. “I used a voice manipulator.” His eyes flick away from me. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“Where was your courage when you dumped me, asshole?”
He flinches, like I’ve hit him.
“All you had to do was call me!” I’m yelling now, my voice ricocheting off the wall. “Fucking call me! Fucking reach out and connect, pulse-com to pulse-com. Stop by! Send me a holo-card! Anything! Weeks of endless silence were all you gave!”
He sits, grimacing, waiting for me to calm down. “I told you how sorry I was.”
I pitch my hands in the air. “I’ve been in hell, Jonas. Utter hell. And now you’re all ‘I love you’? What am I supposed to do?”
“Forgive me? Love me back?” he says, his most winsome smile getting the best of me.
My eyes slowly scan the room, considering. Do I tell him? Do I allow vulnerability? I work my jaw from side to side. Take a deep breath. “I do love you, Jonas. I always have.”
A huge grin spreads across his face. “I knew it! I knew it!”
“Calm down. I’m trying to adjust to change over here.”
“Calm as a summer pond. Cool, calm, and collected.” He spreads his hands through the air as if he’s smoothing the atmosphere. His expression, though, makes me think he’s going to combust with excitement.
I laugh, he laughs, and any remaining tensions flutter away. “How’d you manage to fool HoloMess 500?”
“That part was child’s play. You might want to consider a more secure, reliable service.”
“Maybe.” I scowl at him. “Keep going.”
“I’ve got connections everywhere from the work I do. I had one of my connections in India build a fake profile.” A grin spreads across his face. “I told him it was to play a prank on a friend. This guy owed me big-time so he agreed.”
“Some prank.”
He laughs. “Didn’t you think it was clever?”
“I like the Shiver Strip part, but the wives? And what’s this with you and cattle?”
“You know I like a thick, juicy steak now and then.”
“Is that all? You haven’t gone toward any bestial back-door kinds of kink, have you?”
“Hell, no, V! That’s disgusting!” He shudders. “I was just trying to think of what someone would do if they lived on a remote island that supports livestock and not much else. Keeping up the pretense was hard, though. I was afraid I’d blow it and tell you the truth. I’m sure you could tell I wanted you. I still do,” he says, his voice deep and throaty.
He gives me a look so raw, so potent, I shiver. “Okay. I’ve seen all kinds of kink inside my Headspace. I draw the line when it comes to rape fantasies, children, or bestiality. Those topics are redlined, deep-sixed, and the clients are reported. Other than that, the sky’s the limit.” I give him a wicked smile, grab a handful of his tech-T and pull. “You’d better watch out.” I lean closer to him, slowly, sensuously rubbing my nose across his nose. Our mouths are a millimeter apart. He starts to connect for a kiss when I pull awa
y. I move my lips next to his ear and whisper. “Not so fast. You still have to convince me this is the right thing. Convince me you’re not going to cut and run again.” I lean back and look into his eyes. “Got it?” I whisper.
He licks his lips and nods.
“Good.” I release his shirt and smile. “What do you mean ‘keeping up the pretense was hard’?”
“You’re skilled at what you do. I had to believe in my story. So much so that you would think it’s real. It was so outlandish I could barely keep it together. But then, in that room, with you there…all I could think about was how beautiful you are and how much I wanted you.”
“You were kind of a controlling dick sometimes.”
“Part of the character. You don’t know me to be like that. I’ve never been a dick to you before.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘never.’” I roll my eyes.
“Okay, okay, point taken. But we’re moving past that, right?”
“I suppose. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ve been friends for such a long time. What if becoming lovers fucks that up?” I pick at the orange pillow next to me.
Jonas groans. “Oh, come on, Vienna! I know you’ve thought of it a time or two. I think about it all the time. The last few years, I feel like a drug addict. Drug Vienna. It’s been all I could do to keep my hands off of you.”
I glance at him. “I do recall you being rather tense on a few occasions.”
“More like rock hard and trying not to show it.”
I laugh.
“It’s not funny.”
“So is this all about you just being horny? I have a virtual room where you can play out your fantasies,” I tease.
“We could start there,” he counters with a predatory, piercing look.
I shiver with excitement. This Jonas has been hiding all these years. This Jonas is sizzling hot. “I thought you didn’t like virtual fantasy scenes.”
“I don’t. I didn’t. I don’t get it. I mean, I can see two lovers acting out a fantasy and all, but to do it virtually? Why would you want virtual sex when the real deal is so much more fulfilling? When I stopped midway…the last time, you know…when I did that, my desire for you got the best of me and I had to clear out of there before I gave myself away. I was close to blowing it and looking like a hypocrite at the same time.”
“What’s the harm? People fantasize about each other all the time. This is just a fleshing out of their fantasies. I’m good at what I do, Jonas. I make people believe they really had a skin to skin encounter with me.”
His face pulls into a grimace. “And how are you with all that? Doesn’t it make you feel like a hooker?”
I shrug. “It’s just a Headspace. I can be bored out of my mind, curled up on the floor while they get their rocks off.”
“Seriously?”
“I can prove it. Most of the time I get a hit of energy, though. It’s hot. It’s like my drug of choice. Erotic energy, baby. Want to see? My clients are dying for me to get back to work.”
“No,” he quickly retorts and stares away. “Hell, no. I don’t want to watch. I’m more of an action man. I want to do, not see.” He glances up at me, his eyes nearly black with desire, and swallows.
I squirm with shivers and quivers of need.
“What do you mean ‘get back to work’?”
I sigh. “That last time—it devastated me. I went into a mixed up energy overload tailspin like I used to when I was a child. I’ve basically been in bed for three weeks or more. I lost track. Your character got under my skin. The edges between fantasy and reality blurred. I started to get all shaky. I thought you were…” A sob escapes my throat. “I thought you were Liam trying to get revenge.”
“Your first love? What would he need you to pay for?”
“I broke him. I broke his cock, Jonas,” I blurted. I’ve never told a soul…until now.
Jonas clutches at his groin. “How could you break a cock?”
“It’s a stupid term for a medical condition,” I wail. “It’s horrid. It can make a guy impotent for the rest of his life. His was all bruised and he was in pain and he…” I’m blathering now, reliving the entire scene.
“Enough with the details. That’s a serious mood killer. What did you do to make that happen?”
I can barely speak through the rain of teardrops. “I told you I’m different.”
“Yeah, but why should that make a difference? You’re sensitive, not damaged.”
“I got too close. When I get too close I lose it. Why do you think I’ve insisted on friendship all these years?” I throw my arms into the air.
Jonas eyes grow wide. “We can deal, babe.”
“We can’t deal. I can’t control the energy flowing through me, or at least I couldn’t. I started shaking like an earthquake, he slipped out, then something happened that sealed me shut, maybe my ability not allowing me or my body to feel happiness after so much pain. He jabbed, slamming against the barrier and it snapped.”
Jonas shudders again. “Gah, V! It snapped?”
“Not like broke in two, that’s just the sound it made as the…as it…oh, dear God,” I wail. “It was awful!”
“Shhh, V, shhh.” He hands me his handkerchief and smoothes my hair back from my face. “So was he impotent after that?”
“He said he wasn’t but I was too scared to try again. Not with him. Never again. It was a pretty traumatic first encounter, don’t you think?” I look at him through wet lashes.
He nods in agreement. “I’ll say.” He brushes a piece of my hair from my cheek. His thumb moves back and forth along my skin for a moment as he flashes me another one of those heart-melting gazes.
“I think he was scared, too, but he would never admit it. I saw him a few years back and he looked well enough. He had a wife on his arm and was pushing a baby stroller with a set of twins. The equipment must still work.”
“What did he say when he saw you?”
“He just looked really sad. We exchanged a few pleasantries—I introduced myself to his wife. That was it.”
“I’ll bet he was sad. He’d lost the most gorgeous, talented, sensitive, and wonderful babe on the planet.”
“That’s what he said,” I whisper. “When we broke up.” I glance down at my hands. They’re trembling. “I’ve held on to this for a long, long time,” I continue.
“I see that. Ready to let it go?”
“I don’t know how.” I’m still whispering.
“I can help,” Jonas whispers back.
“What will you do?” I say quietly, not looking at him.
“I’ll show you how perfect you are.” He plants a tender kiss on my temple. “I’ll show you how a passionate man who’s in love with his best friend can make her feel.”
Again, a shiver rolls through my belly. Jonas is stirring all kinds of lusty sensation. “What about that orgasm you promised?” I’m still focused on my lap. Anywhere but on Jonas’s face.
“What about it?”
“Grammy said I can learn with the right man.”
“You’ll have to let your guard down. But he’s ready.”
“Is he?” I need to clip my fingernails. They’re getting long. I need to breathe. I’m clutching my breath. My mind is spinning. My mind is blank. I’m scared. I take a deep breath and pour calm into my system.
“He is. After he assures you that he’ll never hurt you like that again.”
“Ever?” My head pops up to meet his gaze.
“Never, ever. I put myself through hell. And I can’t even imagine what you went through. I’m so, so, so sorry, Vienna.” Tears fill his eyes.
“Truly sorry?” My eyes fill with waterworks, too.
“Truly sorry.” He clasps my hands. “You’re trembling.”
I nod and tears spill down my cheeks.
“Are you scared?”
My head shifts side to side. “No,” I say. “Yes. I mean, a little. I’m scared of what we’re about to do. I’m scared of what I might do if I let go.
”
He smiles and inches closer. “What are we about to do?”
I swallow. “Indulge in fantasy play?”
“What about reality play?” He moves even closer.
“Better yet.” I wipe the tears from his rugged face. “I’ve only seen you cry once.”
“And when was that?”
“When I told you I was moving across the globe for a job.”
“The thought of not seeing you every day killed me. But I had no right to ask you to stay.”
“You didn’t. But I stayed anyway. I couldn’t live without seeing you every day, either.”
We both laugh and sob. Jonas and I wrap our arms around each other and squeeze tight. He feels so damn good in my arms but I’m afraid to move.
“Vienna?” he says into my hair.
“Yeah?” I say into his shoulder.
“I kind of can’t breathe.”
“I’m scared. I’m scared we’re going to fuck up our awesome friendship.”
“Ease up a little.”
“No.”
“Vienna, what am I going to do to you?”
I squeeze harder. “I don’t know,” I breathe. “I’m just scared. I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.” I inhale deeply. Jonas smells like heaven. I’ve always adored the way he smells. He smells like hard work, extreme masculinity, warmth, and love, if that’s a smell.
He chuckles. “That doesn’t sound so bad.” He pushes away from me and takes my face in his hands. “I’m the one who should be scared. You’re a skilled sexual avatar. How will I keep up? Do you know the kind of reputation you have?” He brushes a purple lock from my cheek.
I shake my head. “I have a reputation?”
“You are one sought-after fantasy woman.”
“Seriously?”
“Damn straight. I’d been seeing these ads for your service on my holo-screen. I got intrigued. As much as I dislike the drug-club virtual realities, yours seemed kind of stand up or something. I talked to a few people who’ve used you— er, I mean who’ve used the service. They all claim to be in love with you…only I didn’t know it was you at first.”
I smile a little. “That’s part of my skill set. They don’t know me at all. The person they’re really in love with is themselves. All they’ve done is project onto me.”