The Grunt

by Nelson, Latrivia S.

  Dizzy with thoughts, she stood in a daze in the hallway leading to the kitchen. Suddenly, she had gone numb. Her mind raced with questions, concerns and confusion.

  She didn’t even hear Brett when he walked out of the den and saw her standing in the hall. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her body. She stood as stiff as a board with tears running down her face.

  “Cort,” he turned her to him. “This is killing me.”

  “You?” she said with a sigh. Wiping her face, she cleared her throat. “Look, I’m going to go out for some fresh air. Dinner is on the stove. Don’t wait up.”

  “Please just wait,” Brett said, holding her waist. What words could he say to get her back? He was disgusted with himself. It was happening again. He was locking up, sending the wrong signals, not saying the right words. And he could see it in her face. He was losing her.

  Courtney wiggled out of his embrace. Pointing towards the door, she shook her head. “I’ll be back. I just…” She stepped away from him. “I just need to go and clear my head.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned and walked away.

  Brett stood in the hallway and listened as her footsteps trailed away. Her keys jingled when she picked them up off the coffee table. Then, the front door opened and closed shut.

  He slid down the side of the wall and propped his feet up. With his arms over his knees, he sat in a daze, replaying every minute of today.

  He knew that this was all his fault. He had been stupid enough to take out his frustrations on her like it was her fault that her brother was his commanding officer and her father was the battalion commander. Hell, he should have been honored, but no, not him.

  What he hadn’t told her was that he had found out that the man Amy was leaving him for was Captain Jermaine Hodges. That information had come from a good friend in Intel. The mistake he had made was that he hadn’t shared with Courtney how inferior it made him feel that he wasn’t good enough in Amy’s eyes, even though he had willingly gone to face his death for her and her son on several occasions, risked life and limb, saw men blown apart by IEDs, climb the ranks, taken shit and lived in dirt and sand just to make her happy and her life better.

  Now, he had allowed his anger for a woman dead and gone to possibly ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him in his entire life. And what had he done about it? Nothing. He had let Courtney walk out of the door. Amy had walked out of the same door. And he had done nothing about that either.

  ***

  Courtney could barely drive for crying. Wiping her face, she headed into town but wished that it would stop raining so that she could catch and a wave and find some peace. The look on Brett’s face as she pulled away confused her even more. Why couldn’t he just tell her how he really felt? True, he had said he loved her, but what she wanted to know was why. She wanted to be sure that what she felt for him was reciprocated and not just a knee-jerk reaction to his severely fucked-up situation.

  This all was driving her crazy. She had never believed in love at first sight before this. But she had fallen in love with Brett the minute that she laid eyes on him at the library. And that love had only gotten stronger over the last couple of months.

  However, this kind of spontaneous behavior was exactly what her father had been complaining about for years. She always saw the best in people. She always wanted to believe their words, and she would always suffer from their actions. The bleeding heart role was getting old.

  “What do you want from me?” she said aloud, hitting the steering wheel.

  The painful part was that she was in love with more than just Brett. She loved Cameron, too. She loved how she felt, loved how good it felt to be needed and depended upon.

  Most women her age would be out perusing the bars and looking for one-night stands, but she was happy at home with Cameron and Brett. She was happy to plan dinner and teach words and have quiet weekends on the beach and have a family of her own. She was happy with that.

  Her phone rang. Swerving as she reached into her purse, she picked it up and saw that it was Brett. She almost put it away but couldn’t fight the desire to hear his voice. Flipping it open, she put it to her ear.

  “Hello,” she said with a sniffle.

  “Where are you?” he asked quickly.

  “I’m driving to Jacksonville.”

  “Come back home.”

  “Brett, it’s not my home. It’s my place of employment, and I’m just your girlfriend.”

  Brett sighed. “Baby, listen to me.” His voice was deep and raspy. “I’m sorry for everything that I said or didn’t say today. But this is getting out of control. Please, come back home. We can talk about it.” His southern accent was like silk against her ears.

  She closed her eyes but then quickly opened them to pay attention to the road. “I just need to clear my head and figure things out.”

  “Let me help you. Come home, and we’ll talk about it,” he pleaded.

  “I don’t know if this is going to work, Brett. I’m…I’m losing myself. And it took me a long time to get to this point, where I know what I want out of life. Do you know how helpless that feels? To lose yourself?”

  “Yes, I know exactly how helpless it feels. And it feels even worse when the person who makes you feel that way is driving away from you.” He sat down at the kitchen table with his son and put a napkin in front of Cameron’s nightclothes so that he wouldn’t mess them up while he was eating his spaghetti. “Everything that you’re experiencing, I’m experiencing with you. Now, this is your home. We are your family. And that is not going to change. So, if you would just come home, we can talk about this…all night if you need to.” He listened to the other end of the phone. Her radio played in the background. Wipers scraped against the windshield.

  Courtney finally spoke. “I’ll be back in just a little while. I just need some time.”

  ***

  It was a little after midnight when Courtney pulled back up to the house. Parking the car, she looked up to see every light in the house was off, and the porch was pitch black. Climbing out of the car, she grabbed her purse and inched up to the front door with swollen eyes from crying and a hand full of tissue. She was shocked to see Brett sitting in the rocking chair on the porch. He had fallen asleep waiting on her. God only knew how long he had been out there.

  As her foot hit the wooden step, he jumped up and took his feet off the table across from him.

  “You didn’t have to sit out here and ruin your last sensible night’s rest, Brett. I told you that I was coming back,” Courtney said, feeling even worse now.

  “I was afraid that you wouldn’t come back,” he said, standing up.

  Courtney was about to ask why when she thought of Amy. Opening the front door, she motioned for him. “Get in here, now. You’ve got to go and get some sleep.”

  He walked in after her. They both were met by an arctic chill. Courtney went over to the thermostat and turned off the air, then dropped her purse at the table. She turned on the lamp and looked across the room to find his eyes as red as hers.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Courtney said in a low whisper.

  “No, I should be the one apologizing. I’m horrible with expressing myself, Cort. I would have guessed that you’d know that about me by now, but you’re not a mind reader. I just…have a hard time saying exactly how I feel.”

  Courtney crossed her arms across her chest. “You seem to express anger pretty well.”

  “Amy was leaving me for a black officer in Japan. An officer that I didn’t like was responsible for one of my good friends getting killed in Rahwah a few years back. Amy’s parents always hated me for not being an officer. And I guess a part of me always carried a bit of resentment. But it wasn’t a big deal until I found out a few weeks ago about who Amy was leaving me for.”

  “Did it piss you off that he was black? Better yet, are you ashamed of our relationships because I’m black? Is that hard to share with your friends? I mean, I know about Joe, so
please don’t say that one of your best friends are black, because I think I’ll just die here on the spot. I just want to know if this,” she rubbed her skin, “is creating a problem for you.”

  Brett bucked his tired red eyes. Wow, she was way off base. “One day, I want my daughter to look just like you. And I’m a fucking Marine. I didn’t die for just one color American. And no, it didn’t bother me that Jermaine was black. It bothered me that Jermaine existed. It bothered that the insignia on his chest made him better than me in Amy’s eyes. ” He stepped closer to her. “I would never be ashamed of you. Ever. I may be from Texas, but I’m not…a redneck.”

  “There are some really good folk in Texas,” she said, thinking of her grampies. Courtney watched his eyes. She knew that he wasn’t lying about any part of what she said, but she needed him to continue to be brutally honest. “When you asked me to marry you, to consider it, was it about Cameron?”

  Brett paused. The silence between them was like chaos. He walked all the way up to her and looked down into her hazel eyes. Swallowing hard, he took a deep breath. “Forget that I asked you that time in that way. The next time that I propose, it won’t be an offer that highlights the value-added benefit of college tuition paid and good dental.” He lifted her delicate chin. “The next time I ask, you won’t think it’s about my son. And I will spend every moment until the next time that I ask proving to you that I love you, and I’m proud to be with you.”

  Courtney was lost for words. Now, he didn’t want to marry her? Was that a good or bad thing? She frowned, lost in the blue eyes and beautiful face. What had she done? It was okay to call things off or slow them down when she was the one in control, but the idea of him pulling away was devastating.

  “So, you never truly wanted to marry me?” she asked with tears in her eyes.

  He took her hand and put it on his chest. “There isn’t one part of this that doesn’t belong to you.” His quiet eyes were clear and focused. Lips pursed together, he breathed in slowly.

  Courtney moved into him and rested her head where her hand had been. Listening to his heartbeat against her ear, she wrapped her arms around his back and nuzzled closely into him. She could listen to that sound all night. It was peaceful, powerful and courageous. The hum of it reminded her of how fragile life was and how much he had gone through just to be here at this moment. Tears spilled down her cheek onto his shirt as she stood silently with him.

  “I love you and only you,” he said, looking down at the top of her head.

  Brett trailed his thumb down her neck, lifted her chin up, and softly and sincerely kissed her pouty mouth. It was the softest kiss that he had ever given, ripe with admiration and devotion. Her warm flesh tasted like sweet elixir to him. He put both hands at the side of her face and pulled her in. Slowly, in a rhythmic, sensual kiss, he washed away her worry.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Six weeks alone in Brett’s house had driven Courtney to the edge. It wasn’t that she couldn’t wait on him; it was simply that she couldn’t take the white walls and boring décor. To add a little spice to things, she had taken some money out of the house account and gone to Lowe’s and Pier One, called her mother and did a serious makeover.

  Sitting in the living room watching the paint literally dry with her mother as they finished the flower arrangement for the coffee table, Courtney looked around and felt proud. Now this looked more like a place that she would call home. It had taken a few days of hard work and even a little squabbling with her mother about colors, but they had created a masterpiece.

  White walls had been replaced with warms colors of beige, sage green and honey brown. And while Courtney wanted to go with a color in the yellow family, her mother had insisted that such an extreme change might unbalance her new boyfriend.

  The time with her mother had also given her some much needed clarity. Mrs. Lawless was full of good advice. When Courtney had broken down while hanging the new curtains in the dining room and said that she and Brett had called off the pseudo-engagement, Mrs. Lawless had been the one to explain to her that he only wanted her to be happy. She also assured her that it probably wouldn’t be long before he “got it right.” To give her daughter a more well-rounded view of the life she had chosen. Mrs. Lawless had also explained the more delicate nature of the Marine Corps and the culture difference between officers and enlisted men.

  “It’s simply the way it is,” Mrs. Lawless had explained in a calm, loving voice that showed her reverence for her husband’s profession. “The structure of the Marine Corps has been in place for years, and believe it or not it works. So, don’t fight against it or try to make Brett see things differently. The only one who would really suffer from that would be him, and you don’t want that. Rather, wait and pray and hope that God will reveal his plan for Brett in the Marine Corps and his personal life. Also, pray for favor for your Brett. Pray that no matter what, he will prevail.”

  Mrs. Lawless was a gem and as wise as she was beautiful. After talking with her for a few days without her father being around, Courtney renewed her faith in the ability to hold together her relationship and support Brett.

  “I think he’s going to love the new changes,” Courtney said, looking at her watch. The cookies would be almost ready for Cameron in a few minutes.

  “Of course he’s going to love it. You did it,” Diane said, setting the bouquet on the table. “Now, isn’t that beautiful? You have a splash of the colors that you love mixed with the calm colors that will make him happy. I use color all around the house to soothe your father, but to this day, he never has figured out why he feels so relaxed when he comes home. It’s the colors. I did, however, take a page from your book and make the kitchen yellow. I read in a magazine that yellow boosts the appetite. And when your father lost his after the last trip to Afghanistan when he lost all of those poor men, I had to find a way to make home more warm for him.”

  Courtney didn’t even know that her father had suffered any form of depression. She turned to her mother and titled her head. “Does daddy have PTSD?” she asked quietly as if what they were discussing was a secret.

  Mrs. Lawless smiled but Courtney could see the worry in her mother’s eyes. She could never admit such a thing publically. It would cost her husband his commission, but she knew that she could trust her daughter. Plus, the insight might help her in her own troubles. “This war has been so difficult on Jeffery. He has lost so many men, some of them friends. Even though he’s not there in the field, the burden of his decisions weighs heavily on him.” She touched her daughter’s hand. “It’s weighs on all of them.”

  “So he does have it?” Courtney said, realizing that she had been so consumed in her life that she had not really gotten to know her father. For a moment, she had a glimpse of herself from the outside and she knew then that she had been selfish.

  “He has it,” Mrs. Lawless said. “The sleepless nights, the zoning out, the memories. I think as he gets older, it all comes back to haunt him. But I try to encourage a happier lifestyle. I make him go to church on Sundays. It gives him hope and lets him know that he’s not alone. And I also hope that he’ll retire soon. With your brother here now, it may be easier for him to pass on his legacy and focus on starting a new life with me.”

  Courtney liked the way that sounded. “A new life,” she smiled. “I never thought of retirement as that.”

  “Well, it’s retirement for both of us, sweetheart. Every time your father left on a deployment, a big part of me left with him.”

  Courtney cringed. “It’s driving me crazy that he has to go over there. And you know, he never complains about it. He just talks about making arrangements just in case. It must be hard to prepare for the possibility of your death every year. I try to put myself in his shoes, but it’s nearly impossible for me. He’s so strong and so brave.”

  Mrs. Lawless knew the feeling. “When your brother told me that he was going to join the Marine Corps, I secretly cried for two weeks.”

  “Re
ally?” Courtney thought she knew everything about her mother, but in this one conversation she realized that there was so much that she did not know.

  “Yes. I thought to myself, oh I don’t want David to put himself in danger. The thought of losing a son was even scarier than the thought of losing your father. It’s overwhelming. Every news report about a casualty, every time someone knocked on the door late at night made me feel like my insides were going to explode. I’ve lived on pins and needles for…decades.”

  “How do you do it?”

  “They need someone to love them, Courtney. They need this when they get back home,” Mrs. Lawless said, pointing around the room. “They need to feel that what they are fighting and dying for over there is worth it. And you know, when they are in a fire fight and losing men, rank doesn’t matter. They are all over there, bless their souls, being heroes every single day.”