North Pole Reform School

by Admans, Jaimie

  “Are you kidding? It’s got to be the worst name in the world. I get nothing but insults in school.”

  “Yeah, well, try having to hide these ears from your friends. It’s not fun.”

  “Bloody Christmas,” I say.

  He laughs. “I don’t think you’re supposed to say things like that here. It’s probably their equivalent of the F-bomb.”

  I’ve been so distracted by Luke that I don’t even realise we’ve taken another turn.

  “This is a side of the dome,” Tinsel announces.

  I look up and in front of us is a wall of curved glass. It stretches way above our heads, so far up into the night sky that you can’t see where it ends. The side curves so far behind the trees that you can’t see an end to that either.

  Luke walks forwards and taps it a couple of times. He shrugs. “Glass. Feels pretty solid.”

  “It’s very solid,” Navidad says. “Don’t you worry about that—nothing can get through it.”

  Emily is peering out, her hands around her eyes to block out reflections.

  “You won’t see anything,” Tinsel tells her. “Firstly, it’s too dark, and secondly the visibility is poor in this blizzard.”

  “There might be ducks out there.”

  I think it’s sweet that Hugo goes over and takes hold of her hand. “Ducks would die in that weather.”

  It seems to make her feel better. Until she says, “But they might be inside the dome with us. They might have followed me here.”

  Joe bursts out laughing. “Paranoid much?”

  Tinsel gives him an angry look.

  “Hey, can you see any zombies?” I ask.

  “The zombies don’t usually come this close to the dome. Sometimes you see one wandering around if they come closer to hear our music.”

  “God knows why,” Luke mutters and if Tinsel didn’t hear him then she probably wonders why I’m grinning.

  “And this seriously goes all the way around?” Emily asks.

  “Indeed it does. There’s another visible side behind the reindeer stables, but other than that the barriers are quite far away in the forest. We might be elves, but we do need our space after all.”

  We head back after that. Tinsel and Navidad stop outside the door of the building we first woke up in.

  “Elf Wenceslas will let you through,” Navidad says. “Take it easy tonight. Get to know each other, watch some TV, and have an early night. Talk to Wenceslas if you need anything, and don’t even think about trying to sneak out in the night because you won’t get anywhere and he will know. Wenceslas knows everything.”

  “I thought he was too busy looking out on the feast of Stephen,” Luke says and everybody laughs.

  Everybody except Tinsel and Navidad.

  “Don’t forget we’ll be here first thing in the morning for an in-depth discussion of what you’ve all done to ruin Christmas,” Tinsel says. “I suggest you spend some time tonight thinking about it.”

  “Remember not to judge a book by another man’s fridge freezer,” Navidad says as they shoo us into the building.

  After saying goodnight to Wenceslas, who doesn’t look like he’s moved an inch since we left, we traipse up the stairs to the room we came from.

  “Seems like elves don’t believe in elevators either,” Joe grumbles.

  I go into my room and get out of my coat and boots. When I come back out, everyone is sitting on the sofa. Everyone except Luke, who is pacing around the room.

  I like him. He’s got lovely eyes, and he’s definitely the most normal person here. And he seems to think I am too, which makes me feel warm despite the freezing temperatures.

  “These outfits suck,” I say.

  Luke groans. “I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. If my friends saw me now, I’d never live it down.”

  “This TV is broken.” Joe shakes the remote in his hand. “All I can get are Christmas movies.”

  “That figures,” Luke mutters.

  “You try it, Elf Boy.” Joe shoves the remote towards Luke.

  Luke points it at the TV and sure enough, each channel is showing a Christmas movie. “Who wants to bet this never changes? Christmas movies, all day, every day, no doubt done on purpose.”

  “They’re elf channels,” Hugo says. “I’ve never heard of any of them—they must only get them up here.”

  Luke gives the TV a distasteful look. “I get forced into watching It’s a Wonderful Life every Christmas with my family, I have no desire to watch it again.”

  Joe takes the remote back and tries it again. “Well, it looks like our choices are Christmas movie, Christmas movie, or Christmas movie. Personally I think looking at the blank screen is better than watching The 12 Dogs of Christmas.”

  “The Santa Clause is on this side,” Hugo says. “That’s a good one.”

  “If you like Christmas so much then why are you here?” Joe snaps at him.

  “I don’t, I just remember watching that film before and it was good.”

  “There are no good Christmas movies,” Emily says. “They’re all bad omens.”

  “Shh,” Joe says suddenly. “Did you hear that? It was a… quack!”

  “Stop it, Joe,” Emily squeaks. “It’s not funny.”

  “Why are you being so cruel to everyone?” Luke asks him. “The way I see it is since we’re all in this together, we may as well be civil to each other.”

  “I don’t think we are in it together. I think you know more than you’re letting on, Elf Boy.”

  “Stop calling me that, and for the millionth time, I don’t know anything more than you do.”

  “Luke is right,” I say. “Whatever is going on here, fighting with each other isn’t going to help. We’re all here and none of us know why or how. Maybe if we stop making fun of each other and trading insults, we can work together and figure it out.”

  “Maybe you’re in on it too, Mistletoe,” Joe says with an emphasis on my name. “Elf Boy over there has elf ears and you have an elf name, and they keep going on about your father having been here. And I totally saw you and Elf Boy getting cosy earlier.” He turns to Hugo and Emily. “Those two are in on this together.”

  “No one’s in on anything,” Luke says sharply.

  “I believe them,” Emily says.

  “This is ridiculous,” I say. “This whole situation is completely laughable, except it’s not. I don’t know what’s going on here, neither does Luke, and I’m pretty sure that the only chance we have is if we work together to figure it out.”

  “She’s right,” Hugo pipes up. “We shouldn’t fight with each other. We’re all locked in here, we’re all dressed up in stupid costumes, and we’re all stuck watching stupid films and hearing stupid Christmas carols.”

  “I hate you all and this TV is shit.” Joe throws the remote down on the floor. “There’s a football match on tomorrow, and now I’ll never get to see it.”

  “That explains why you’re so pissed off,” Luke says.

  “Do you think we can break out?” Hugo asks.

  “I’ve been thinking about it,” Luke says. “I think we need to look around some more before we try anything. I couldn’t see anything tonight, but that glass did seem pretty solid. There must be a way in and out, but we have no hope of finding it tonight.”

  “What about the polar bears?” Emily asks. “And the zombies?”

  “Do you think there are really zombies?” Hugo asks.

  “You know, I was pretty close to believing what they were saying until they mentioned the zombies,” I say. “I mean, zombies living in the North Pole because they find Christmas music soothing? Really?”

  “Technically zombies aren’t living,” Emily says.

  “Living or not, they don’t exist.”

  “I don’t know what to believe, but I think they might just be scaremongering us, you know? Don’t try to break out or the zombies will eat you.” Luke makes an exaggerated growling noise and does a “Thriller” dance move. “I w
as saying earlier I don’t believe in zombies, but I don’t believe in elves or Santa’s Village in the North Pole either, and yet here we are with no other explanation.”

  “I think it could be some kind of elaborate prank…” I say.

  “Maybe it’s a reality TV show!” Emily says excitedly. “Have any of you signed up for something like that? Wait, none of you are famous, are you?”

  “No,” everyone replies at once.

  “Don’t they need, like, contracts and permission to do a reality TV show?”

  “Hidden camera then? One of those hidden camera prank shows?”

  “But how?” Luke asks. “Why? How’d they get us here? Where’d they get all those elves? I mean, they were real, right, they weren’t an optical illusion?”

  “Yeah… they were real. They couldn’t have faked that.”

  “So you’re all saying… you think this is for real?” Joe asks slowly.

  “I don’t see any other explanation,” Luke says.

  “So there might really be polar bears and zombies outside?” Emily asks.

  “And ducks,” Joe says.

  Emily hits him again.

  Personally I wish she’d hit him harder.

  “Look,” Luke starts. “I don’t know either way. What I’m saying is that we need to find a way out of here. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or what these schedules they keep talking about are, but whatever we have to do, whether we’re split up or together, what I’m saying is have a look around. Don’t make it obvious, but if you can see out of the glass, have a look, see what it looks like out there. Keep an eye on the elves, see where they’re going to or coming from. There has to be a door somewhere. They got us in somehow if nothing else. Whatever Tinsel and Navi say, there has to be a way out and we will find it, we just have to work together.”

  “That’s a good plan,” I say.

  “I agree,” Emily says.

  Joe just rolls his eyes.

  “I’m tired,” Hugo says. “I’m going to bed.”

  It doesn’t take long before everyone follows him.

  Sleep that night is interesting, although it has to be said that the bed is surprisingly soft and comfortable. For what looks like a prison bed, it feels like sleeping on a cloud, and I suspect there is some elf magic involved in that too.

  CHAPTER 8

  The sound of Noddy Holder shrieks through the building the next morning. It’s early. Way too early. And “Merry Christmas Everybody” by Slade is apparently our alarm call because it’s blaring so loudly the bed is shaking. It’s followed by the sound of jingling bells as Tinsel and Navidad come in and start chirping about how we’re wasting the day by sleeping.

  “The early bird catches the penguins,” Navi says.

  They’ve brought a plate of mince pies for breakfast, and eventually we are all dressed and sitting on the sofas eating.

  “Now then,” Tinsel says. “This whole experience is to help you. You’re miserable, you hate this time of year, and you’re making all those around you miserable too. That’s not helping anyone. We’ve brought you here to show you how good Christmas can be and so you can atone for the problems you’ve caused.”

  “That’s—”

  “Don’t tell me it’s ridiculous, Mr Wyatt.” Tinsel points the candy-cane wand at him. “Or that it’s nonsense or anything else you were about to tell me. Now, let’s go through the actual reasons you’re in this situation and the actions that have brought you here.”

  “Can I ask a question?” I raise my hand.

  “If you must.”

  “Do you do this every year? Yesterday you mentioned another group you’ve had. We’re not the first, I take it?”

  “No, far from it.” Tinsel almost giggles. “We’ve been doing this since before any of you were born, even Joe.”

  “What if we don’t learn?” Joe asks. “You keep saying we’re here to learn, well, what if we don’t? Quite frankly, I think this is all a load of bull, I’m still not convinced that someone hasn’t slipped something in my beer, and I don’t like the idea of having to atone for something I don’t know I’ve done.”

  “We’ll get there, Joe, don’t worry,” Tinsel says. “I’ve never known such an awkward group as you lot. Questions, questions, questions, and then butting in and interrupting before we can even answer. You don’t know what you have to atone for? Well, it’s far past time that we all sat down and worked it out. Mr Wyatt, as you seem determined to be cheeky, why don’t you tell us all exactly why you’re here?”

  “Because you think I’ve ruined Christmas?”

  “Exactly right, dear boy,” Navi says.

  I can tell that Navi likes Luke. The way he keeps calling him “dear boy” but doesn’t say it to anyone else. Maybe it’s the elf relative thing.

  “Okay.” Luke grins. “Apparently I’m here because I have this… thing. I hate tacky Christmas decorations. Whoever decided that a glowing plastic Santa on the roof or a blow-up snowman on the lawn was aesthetically pleasing or socially acceptable needs to be whacked round the head with an inflatable reindeer. We have neighbours across the street who have everything you could possibly think of—reindeer, snowmen, five giant Santas, two Christmas trees, and about ninety thousand lights—plastered from top to bottom of their house and covering every inch of their lawn. If you’ve ever seen the movie Deck the Halls, it’s like Danny DeVito in that, but worse. Much worse. And these lights never go off. They flash and they twinkle, and one of the Santas shouts ‘Ho Ho Ho, Merrrrrrrry Christmas’ all day, every day, and all night long. The reindeer play the tune of ‘Rudolph’, and something—there’s so much shit I can’t even work out which one—is playing ‘Jingle Bells’. All the time. It’s driving me out of my mind. Do you know we had to buy blackout blinds to shut out the light because it keeps us awake at night?”

  “And what did you do about it?” Navi encourages him.

  “It’s just a joke,” Luke says. “It’s not like I’m actually stealing anything, they’ll get them back after Christmas.”

  “Tell everyone what you’ve been doing.”

  “Well, it started off harmless enough. I was walking home from college in the dark and there was no one home, so I moved a few things around, made it look like Santa was humping the reindeer and stood the snowman on its head. The neighbours came home, put everything back right, and seemed completely unfazed. I did it again and they did the same again. I thought they might take it as a hint that it’s annoying the ever-loving crap out of their neighbours, but they just came home and put it all back straight again. This was last year, by the way. So next time I took something. I didn’t break it or anything, just unplugged it and took it away. There’s this old allotment and broken-down sheds near the house, so I took one of the snowmen and hid it in there. It was one less thing to twinkle at night and the neighbours didn’t even seem to notice, so I did it again. And again. I know what you lot are getting at, but it’s not like I’m harming anyone, it’s not like I’ve stolen the decorations for good. I snuck out one night in January and dumped them all back in the middle of their lawn. Nothing was damaged, nothing was missing, and no one was any the wiser.”

  Tinsel consults a clipboard in her arms. “And what have you been up to this year, Luke?”

  I get the feeling that she and Navi already know. I suppose they must do or we wouldn’t be here. She probably has every single offence laid out on that clipboard and now she’s just testing us.

  “It kind of… magnified,” Luke says eventually. “I started to steal people’s decorations. Not just my neighbours’ this time, but seriously there was a bloke with a bloody glowing Santa Stop Here sign on his lawn by the end of October. Two whole months before Christmas is just plain ridiculous. I was walking past and there was no one around, so I took it. Again, not for good, he’ll get it back if he can find it. I stashed it in a tree near his house—I’m sure someone will spot it eventually. Anyway, since then, I just kind of take decorations if the opp
ortunity presents itself. They’re so tacky and rubbish. They’re not even nice quality—most of them look like a pound shop’s finest work. I’m not being a snob here, but the decorations are crap. It’s not like I’m doing any harm. I haven’t really stolen them; I’ve just moved them. The owners will find them eventually, or if they don’t I’ll go back in January and put them back where I found them. It hardly counts as ruining Christmas, does it?”

  “Personally, I think Luke should be commended for doing a public service,” I say.

  “Why thank you.” He nudges me with his elbow and grins.

  “But what Luke hasn’t thought about and the reason we’ve brought him here is how what he calls his harmless actions have affected the people he has taken things from,” Tinsel says to all of us.

  “I would think it’s had a marvellous effect on their electricity bill,” Luke says with a smirk.

  I can’t help but giggle.

  “Luke thinks that taking, borrowing even, the decorations from people’s lawns is harmless,” Navi says. “But we think it isn’t. Maybe the decorations were bought for kids, Luke. What if the kids were upset when you took them?”

  “The kids will get over it,” Luke says. “They were probably too busy dying of embarrassment anyway.”

  “This is stupid,” Joe says. “I don’t care. I don’t like those bloody awful decorations either. Who cares if he pinches a few? It’s quite a good idea actually; I might even try it myself.”

  Luke crosses his arm over his chest and does a mock bow.

  “No, no, no. I understand that Christmas decorations aren’t to everyone’s taste, but stealing them is not the way to go about it,” Tinsel says.

  “They’ll get them back,” Luke protests.

  “Luke, you’re here because you have to learn that what you think are harmless actions are actually not harmless to other people. It’s not harmless to the families you’ve taken decorations from. Christmas has been ruined because you think it’s okay to steal other people’s property just because you don’t like it.”

  “How?” Luke snorts. “How has taking a shiny, flashy, obnoxious decoration ruined someone’s Christmas?”