North Pole Reform School

by Admans, Jaimie

  “It shouldn’t be there. It’s not fair because not everybody wants to see all the Christmas crap all the time. Other people have no respect for me by putting it there. They don’t care about people who might not want to see it.”

  “Hugo…”

  “Christmas took my parents away. I hate it and I wish I could make it go away. I don’t want to know about happy families and joy to the world. I want to curl up and die!” Hugo is yelling now.

  Emily has put a comforting arm around him again as he quietens down after the outburst.

  “Moving on,” Tinsel says quickly. “Last but not least, it’s your turn, Joe. Do you know why you’re here?”

  “Not a clue, love. Best explanation I can come up with is that someone is playing a very sick joke on me.”

  “We’ve been over this, Joe. It’s not a joke. Everything that’s happening is one hundred percent real.”

  “I still think I’m dead,” Hugo pipes up. “I hope I am.”

  “Joe, what have you been doing that ruins people’s Christmases?”

  “Nothing,” he says smugly.

  “You’re a courier, correct?”

  He nods.

  “So it’s not you who deliberately drops parcels at this time of year? Because we saw you playing football with a parcel marked Fragile just last week.”

  Joe shrugs. “So I drop a few parcels. Find me a courier who doesn’t. People want shit delivered then they can deal with it. They shouldn’t be so lazy, they should just get off their arses and go out and buy all their bloody presents. The parcels I have to deliver in December wreak havoc on my back.”

  “That’s not the only reason you’re here, Joe. In fact, we’d already selected you as a potential reform candidate this year before we even noticed your behaviour in your job.”

  “Why?” Joe asks. “I haven’t done anything. I don’t go around smashing up decorations or setting trees on fire.”

  “It’s different for you actually,” Navidad says. “It’s not so much about any one incident as it is about a culmination of years of thoughtlessness. Perhaps you could tell us what you do over the festive season?”

  “Since my wife divorced me, I go and visit my brother. I don’t intend to stay but I usually end up getting too drunk to drive home, and have you tried getting a cab on Christmas Day? Bloody impossible, so I end up staying with him and his family. It’s only out of pity though—they don’t want me there, none of them do, but my brother feels guilty that he’s all happy families with his wife and kids while his brother is all alone in a grotty flat as he calls it. Posh bugger, he is. He invites me for Christmas dinner out of pity, even though I don’t need it, I’d be much happier to stay in my flat and drink my way through Christmas, but then I feel guilty for letting him down. It’s a vicious circle.”

  “And what do you do when you’re there, Joe?”

  “Well, I make myself at home. They’ve got a big fancy TV, so I watch the sports channel with a beer on the couch. Their couch is much comfier than mine, so it’s only fair that I make the most of it.”

  “And you drink?”

  “Well, it would be rude not to. He’s spent so much money on food and booze that it would be a shame to let it go to waste, so I do my best to drink it all. Only to help him out, you see.”

  “And do you buy presents for the family?”

  “Of course I do. What do you think I am, some kind of selfish loser?”

  “What do you buy for them, Joe?”

  “I’m thinking of stopping actually. Ungrateful buggers, the lot of them. Last year I got my niece this lovely big doll thing, Barbie I think it was, and she just looked at me like I was an imbecile. And my nephew, I got him a train set, the kind my brother and I had when we were kids, and he turned his nose up and said, ‘gee thanks, that will come in handy.’”

  “Why don’t you tell everyone how old your niece and nephew are, Joe?”

  “God, I don’t know. The boy is probably the same age as Elf Boy over there—yes, he’s just started college I think, and the girl is, I dunno, twenty-something maybe.”

  I can’t help but laugh. No wonder they weren’t very impressed with their presents.

  “And what did you buy for your brother’s wife?”

  “Last year I got her a voucher for a makeover—God knows she needs all the help she can get—and I got my brother a big bottle of scotch. He doesn’t like scotch, but I didn’t mind helping him drink it. I don’t like to go there empty-handed, I know better than that.”

  “Tell us more about what you do when you’re there, Joe?”

  “Where is this going? Are you trying to tell me I ruin their Christmas by being there?”

  “It’s not by being there, Joe. It’s by being completely thoughtless and selfish in your actions.”

  “I’m not thoughtless or selfish at all. I just like to wind them up a bit. The niece is way too uptight and impossible to have a joke with. I try to make light of her boobs, but she’s just so bloody sensitive. One year she even told her dad I was sexually harassing her, and all I’d said was that she might like to tighten her bra before she gave herself a backache. Even offered to tighten it for her, just to help out like, being the gentleman I am.”

  This time it’s Luke who bursts out laughing. “So just to reiterate, you go to their house, install yourself on the sofa with the sports on, get drunk, harass your niece and nephew with inappropriate comments, and buy them gifts that are either really for you or that you haven’t thought about in the slightest. Yes, you’re a real catch aren’t you, Joe?”

  “Watch it, Elf Boy,” Joe threatens.

  “Joe, do you really not see anything wrong with this picture?” Tinsel asks him.

  He shrugs. “If they don’t want me there then they shouldn’t invite me, should they? I wouldn’t be offended if they didn’t, but I don’t want to offend them by not going.”

  “But isn’t it nice to be surrounded by your family over the holidays?”

  “You clearly haven’t met my brother,” Joe says.

  Tinsel rolls her eyes and makes a sound of frustration.

  “Now that we all know why we’re here, this is where the hard work begins. You may not like the idea now, but during your stay here you will learn that your actions can change other people’s lives. You have all changed someone’s, perhaps multiple someones, Christmases for the worse, and you are here to make up for that.”

  Joe goes to protest, but Tinsel holds the candy-cane wand up as a warning and he’s quiet again.

  “You will learn how much work we elves put into making your Christmases happy and why it is not okay for you to ruin it. You will learn how and why Christmas means so much to people, and even if you don’t like it yourselves, why other people enjoy it. And who knows, maybe you’ll all end up like Mistletoe’s dad and turn out to enjoy Christmas so much you even name your daughter after it.”

  “They named me that because they had their first kiss under the mistletoe at a Christmas party, and when I was born on Christmas Eve, they thought it was an omen or something.” I blush as I tell them the story. “It would have been nice if they had thought of me having to deal with it for the rest of my life.”

  “It’s a lovely name,” Tinsel says. “We elves all have festive names. It helps to bring us Christmas cheer.”

  “Not everybody wants Christmas cheer all year round,” I mutter.

  “Where’s Elf Lords-A-Leaping then?” Luke asks. “How about Elf Brussels Sprout?”

  After we go to the dining hall for lunch—Christmas cake and a candy cane, and the elves playing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on the piano, Tinsel announces that we can have the rest of the afternoon off. “You can all relax and enjoy some Christmas films.”

  We aren’t allowed outside.

  “Remember, you should get yourselves a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow will be the start of some hard work for all of you.”

  “It’s work for elves, so how hard can it be?” Joe snorts.<
br />
  “Just for that, Joe, we’ll make sure yours is extra hard. We elves might be small, but we are capable of a huge workload. Your schedules will be delivered in the morning, and we will meet you at eight o’clock sharp for breakfast and assignments. Any questions?”

  “What’s for breakfast? Advent calendars?” Hugo asks.

  “Candy canes generally, we elves eat a lot of candy canes. I expect Mrs Claus can rustle up some cookies for you if you insist on being awkward though.”

  “Maybe we aren’t the ones being awkward,” Luke says.

  “Glad to see you’ve inherited your grandfather’s snark as well as his ears, Mr Wyatt,” Tinsel tells him. “Any proper questions?”

  No one says anything.

  “Don’t walk barefoot on a cactus,” Navi says as Wenceslas lets us into the building.

  CHAPTER 10

  It’s the sound of Shakin’ Stevens that rips through the building the next morning. Admittedly it’s not as bad as the Slade wakeup alarm of yesterday, but it still blares so loudly the bed shakes.

  When I eventually will myself to go out of the room, Luke is standing by the door reading a sheet of paper.

  “Here.” He comes over and hands me an envelope with my name on it. “Our schedules. They were pushed under the door overnight.”

  Joe is sitting on the sofa, Hugo is still in his room, and I can hear the shower running in the bathroom, so I assume that’s where Emily is.

  The music is still blasting out, giving me a headache, giving everyone a headache if the look on Joe’s face and the way Luke is wincing is anything to go by. The same song is on an infinite loop.

  “If anyone thinks this is the way to get us to like Christmas, they are sorely mistaken.”

  It seems to take forever, but the music finally goes off when Hugo leaves his room and Emily comes out of the bathroom.

  We all sit on the sofas as Luke hands them their envelopes too.

  I open mine and inside is my schedule.

  Mistletoe Bell

  North Pole Reform School

  Day One:

  8.00: Breakfast

  9.00: Kitchen Duty

  13.00: Lunch

  14.00: Reindeer Duty

  18.00: Dinner

  “How come we only get a one-day schedule?”

  “I assume they’re doing it day by day,” Luke says. “Maybe you get time off for good behaviour or something.”

  “Or maybe they just don’t want us to see what nasty surprises they have in store for us,” Joe says.

  “Are your schedules all the same or are we doing different things?” I ask.

  “Mine says N and N Duty for this morning and Toy Packaging for this afternoon,” Joe tells us.

  “I’ve got Post Office Duty this morning and Toy Making this afternoon,” Emily says.

  “Me too,” says Hugo.

  “I’m on Kitchen Duty this morning and Reindeer Duty this afternoon,” Luke says.

  “Me too,” I tell him.

  “Figures they’d put you two together,” Joe mutters.

  “Leave it out, Joe,” Luke tells him.

  “They put Hugo and me together too,” Emily says.

  “Hmm, how interesting, Joe. They put you on your own,” Luke says. “Glad they can see no one in their right mind would put up with you for long.”

  “You wanna watch yourself, Elf Boy,” Joe threatens.

  “Stop it, you two, please,” Emily says. “Why don’t you all go and get dressed so we’re not late for breakfast?”

  “Oh yay,” Luke says sarcastically. “I can’t wait to get dressed up in this awesome elf costume.”

  It’s ten minutes to eight when we hear the door click as it’s unlocked.

  “Someone opened the door,” Joe yells from his almost-permanent spot on the sofa.

  Personally I feel a little glimmer of hope that maybe someone is getting us out, but really I know it’s just because it’s breakfast time.

  “Right, quick, before we leave, everyone remember what I said before, keep your ears and your eyes open, okay?” Luke says.

  “You shouldn’t have any trouble keeping your ears open, should you, Elf Boy?” Joe asks.

  I see Luke clench his teeth and ball his hands into fists.

  “C’mon, everyone, let’s just go,” Hugo says. “I’m starving.”

  We all file down the stairs. I watch Luke giving Joe the evil eye as he passes.

  Wenceslas is still sitting behind the desk at the bottom of the stairs, looking like he hasn’t moved an inch. I wonder if he stays there all night.

  Tinsel and Navidad are waiting outside the doors when we push them open. It’s cold outside, and the sky is bright but it’s still snowing. The street lamps have gone out now but the Christmas lights and decorations are still twinkling away.

  “Good morning, all,” Tinsel says cheerfully.

  “Morning.” Navi greets us too. “Never throw an angry cat straight up.”

  “Morning,” everyone mumbles.

  “Are you always so cheerful at this time of day?” Joe asks.

  “We’re elves,” Tinsel says, like that’s her answer for everything. “We’re cheerful at any time of day.”

  “Speaking of cheerful,” Luke says. “Can we talk about your choice of alarms? If I have to hear “Merry Christmas Everyone” again, I’m going to kill myself.”

  “No killing at the North Pole, dear boy,” Navidad says.

  Luke narrows his eyes at Joe. “He’s getting off lightly then.”

  “Up yours, Elf Boy. We all know you already killed someone—that’s why you’re here.”

  “Fuck you. It’s not my fault he’s dead, Joe, so go and—”

  Tinsel holds up her candy-cane wand and it lets out a bang, firing streams of coloured paper into the sky like a party popper.

  “What the buggering hell was that?” Joe asks.

  “That was a stop fighting and be nice to each other or the next time this goes off it won’t be facing towards the sky,” Tinsel says sweetly. “Now if you’d all like to follow me to the dining hall, breakfast will be served. I’ve had Mrs Claus make a batch of cookies for you, seeing as none of you seem to appreciate candy canes like we do.”

  She sounds morally offended by this.

  “About the alarm clock…,” Hugo says to Tinsel quietly as we walk.

  “It will be different tomorrow,” she tells him.

  There are a few elves around, and all of them seem to be heading towards the dining hall like we are. When we get there, the scene is very similar to last night. The same two elves are still on the piano inside the door, murdering “Fairytale of New York” this time. I wonder if they’re employed solely to sing at meal times. For that job, you would have thought they’d employ elves who can actually sing.

  Tinsel and Navi lead us over to the table we had last night and we all sit. It doesn’t take long before the elf waiters are back, and this time, instead of individual plates, we are presented with one plate piled high with cookies and placed in the middle of the table. Christmas cookies. In the shape of trees and snowmen, covered in green and white icing respectively.

  “I can’t eat those,” Emily says. “Too much sugar for this time of the morning.”

  “Mrs Claus doesn’t have time to cater to your every whim, Emily,” Tinsel tells her, tucking into her own plate of candy canes.

  “Besides, sugar is good for you,” Navi says. “Did you know it’s the number one source of body energy? And you’ll need your energy for your first day of work.”

  Emily rolls her eyes but takes a cookie anyway. I take a Christmas tree and Luke takes a snowman. I can’t help but watch as he seems to get great pleasure out of biting the head off first.

  “Can we get something decent on that TV in our room?” Joe asks. “I get what you’re trying to do, but seriously—it’s not even funny.”

  “Your TV gets all the North Pole channels, Joe. If you don’t like the movies, you can always press the red butto
n for a nice selection of Christmas music.”

  “I’ve heard more than enough bloody Christmas music for one day and it’s barely eight o’clock in the morning.”

  “You’ll get used to it,” Navi says. “You may even start to enjoy it.”

  “You know what I’d really enjoy? Some human channels on my TV. No more of this bloody elf nonsense, I want to watch the football.”

  “I’m afraid we don’t get reception for any other channels up here, Joe.”

  “Told ya,” Hugo says.

  “How come some of us have the same schedules and Joe is on his own?” Emily asks the elves.

  “You have met Joe, right?” Luke says.

  I can’t help but grin.

  “Be nice, Luke,” Navidad warns. “Emily, some of the jobs are two-person work, and sometimes it’s just nice to have a bit of company. We broke up the schedules with who we thought would get on the best. You never know, you might even make some new friends.”

  “Apart from Joe, but who’d want to be friends with him?” Luke asks.

  “Shut up, Elf Boy. I have loads of friends. At least I don’t have to hide my ugly ears under a hat to look normal.”

  “At least I can hide my ears. You aren’t lucky enough to be able to hide your personality.”

  “Boys, please,” Navi says. “Try to get along. Put your differences aside and have some Christmas cheer.”

  “I’ve had enough Christmas cheer, thanks,” Luke says. “I just want to go home.”

  “Work hard and you’ll be home sooner than you think,” Tinsel tells him.

  Once breakfast is deemed to be over, the elves gather us outside.

  “Right, Luke and Mistletoe, you’re going to the kitchens. It’s the building down there with the gorgeous smells and the smoking chimney. You can’t miss it. Mrs Claus is expecting you. Emily and Hugo—if you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to the post office, and Joe, you can go with Navi to the N and N headquarters.”

  “What if we don’t want to? What if we just refuse to do anything?” Joe asks.

  “We have ways and means of making sure you do as you’re asked,” Tinsel says. “Now, is everyone okay with that?”