North Pole Reform School

by Admans, Jaimie

  “Oi!”

  “Don’t make me warn you again, Mr Wyatt.” Snow glares at Luke.

  “I hate this sodding elf,” Luke whispers in my ear.

  “Elves have excellent hearing, Mr Wyatt.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Luke mutters and slouches down in his chair.

  I know how he feels. This elf really doesn’t like us. All the other elves we’ve met have at least been civilised. I think even Tinsel and Navi have started to like us a bit.

  All the elf teenagers in the class have turned to watch us, and I feel my cheeks flush. I look straight ahead and try not to make any eye contact. I don’t want to influence them with my bad behaviour, after all.

  The class that follows is boring in an insane way. Snow sits on the desk looking like he’d rather be piercing his ears with rusty nails and explains everything in monotone, intricate detail. It’s all about the proper way to do things so that the elves aren’t responsible if you get hurt. He tells us not to run on the ice, not to try smashing the glass walls, not to encourage the zombies, and not to stick our fingers into the machines at the toy-making factory.

  Thankfully it seems like a one-off class, and at the end we all have to sign a statement that says we have understood everything Elf Snow has just taught us, that we will heed it, and that the elves aren’t responsible if we do something we have just been told we shouldn’t do.

  Basically, if you fall over in the snow and break something, you can’t sue the elves for it.

  “He was a nasty bastard,” Luke says as we make our way from the school to the dining hall for lunch.

  “I hope we don’t have to see him again.”

  “He really seemed to dislike me.”

  “Not just you. He disliked me too, Luke.”

  Luke shrugs. “They all seem to have a real thing against me. I guess it’s because of this stuff they keep saying about my grandfather. Even Santa himself said how disappointed he is to see someone with an elf in the family here.”

  “You think that’s why?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe they just don’t like me. Not many people do.”

  “Navidad likes you. So do I. I think you’re very likeable.”

  I blush as soon as I’ve said it. I’m never usually this forward with boys. I’m never usually forward at all. But Luke smiles, and he hasn’t had a very good morning, so I’m glad I can cheer him up.

  “Do you really believe that about your grandfather?”

  “What, that he’s an elf and he’s living here, even though he died nine years ago?”

  I nod.

  “I don’t know what to believe. I guess I’ll believe it when I see him. If they let me see him, that is.”

  “They will. They have to. They can’t just tell you something like that and then not let you.”

  Luke shrugs.

  At lunch—Yorkshire puddings with sugar and a candy cane on the side—Tinsel is ecstatic that we’ve been to Elf and Safety class.

  “Now I don’t feel so bad letting you walk around on your own out there,” she says.

  “We can walk around on our own now?” Luke perks up.

  “Only if you behave yourselves.”

  “What’s Elf and Safety?” Joe asks.

  “Oh, it’s great, Joe.” Luke nudges me under the table. “It’s taught by this really awesome elf called Snow. He just loves humans. He says he loves our sense of humour.”

  “Be sure to tell him your ‘red cube’ joke,” I add.

  “Oh yes, definitely.” Luke grins. “Tell him more than once even. And he really likes it when you answer him back.”

  “He loves a bit of banter,” I say.

  “And don’t forget to talk to the other elves in the class—he totally encourages you to do that.”

  “Sounds fun,” Joe says. “I thought Elf and Safety would be bloody boring.”

  “What’s everyone else got this afternoon?” Navi asks before we can wind Joe up any more. He obviously knows what a fun and happy elf Snow is.

  “We’re doing the naughty and nice list,” Emily says, sounding quite happy about it.

  “One of my favourite parts of the job.” Tinsel smiles.

  “And we’re on maintenance,” Luke says.

  “One of my… less favourite parts of the job.”

  “Great, that makes us feel better,” I mutter.

  “You have to help with all the jobs, Mistletoe. Even the less fun ones.”

  “Seems like we get a lot of the less fun ones,” Luke says. “I haven’t seen Joe shovel out reindeer shit yet.”

  “Joe’s got reindeer duty this afternoon, haven’t you, Joe?”

  “Yes, but no way in hell am I picking up shit for anyone. Not even Rudolph,” Joe grumbles.

  Tinsel ignores him.

  CHAPTER 16

  After lunch, Navidad tells Luke and me to follow him. He leads us down a quiet street off the main road through the village, and finally comes to a small building with a cellar door to the side of it where he knocks three times.

  “Maintenance! Can I help you?” is the response.

  “It’s Navi,” he calls back. “Got two of the latest reform group for you!”

  “Oh brilliant, I’ve been waiting for a human all year! Send ’em in, Nav!”

  Luke and I glance at each other in surprise.

  Waiting for a human all year sounds a bit ominous. Maybe he wants to eat us for supper.

  “Why has he been waiting all year?” Luke asks.

  “Just go on in, dear boy,” Navi tells him.

  “Yeah, and why is this place so far off the road? This all sounds a bit fishy if you ask me.”

  “No one is asking you, Mistletoe. Just go on in, both of you.”

  He yanks the door handle and it creaks threateningly as it opens. Navi waits until we are both inside before he unceremoniously slams the door shut from outside, leaving us on a stairwell in complete darkness. He didn’t even tell us a bird in the hand is worth two bowls of cornflakes or something.

  “I don’t like this,” I mutter.

  Luke reaches back until his hand takes hold of mine. “Stay behind me and hold my hand.”

  I think it’s sweet that he’s being protective and I grab his hand. It’s warm and comforting in the cold dark of the stairwell as he leads us slowly and carefully down the steps until we see a glow of light. We turn a corner and to say it’s not what we were expecting would be an understatement.

  We walk into a cavernous basement. Inside are four elves, all dressed in white. Three of them are sitting on the floor, rolling up what looks like rolls of silver star stickers.

  One of them is standing, seemingly waiting for us.

  “Oh, how fabulous.” He beams when he sees us. “Humans at last. How lovely to meet you, my little cucumbers.” He comes over and shakes both our hands vigorously. I realise that I’m not holding Luke’s hand anymore, and I kind of wish I was.

  “I’m Garland,” he says. “Now, are you two Emily and Hugo or Luke and Mistletoe?”

  “Luke and Mistletoe,” Luke answers for us.

  “What lovely names,” he says. “And you’re a strapping lad. Just what we need to fix that pesky tile on the roof.”

  “What?” Luke asks.

  “Has anyone explained the maintenance army to you?”

  “Maintenance army?” Luke asks worriedly.

  “Oh, those elves. They never tell anyone anything. Have a seat and I’ll explain,” Garland says.

  We both sit down on the floor near the other three elves and they nod at us politely. It is rolls of star stickers they’re rolling up, and when I look around, I realise that silver star stickers cover the dark walls too.

  “I must say it’s lovely to have new humans here,” Garland says. “I’m so excited.”

  “That’s not what most of your lot say,” Luke mutters.

  “Ah, don’t you worry about them. I take it you’ve had Elf and Safety recently.”

  “This morning.”r />
  “Yes, quite. Elf Snow is, um, certainly not the best versed in people skills.”

  “No kidding,” Luke mutters.

  “Never mind him. You’re here now, that’s the important part.”

  “Where is ‘here’?” I ask.

  “We’re the maintenance army. This is Icicle, Bauble, and Cinnamon.”

  The other three elves wave and nod politely.

  “Our job is twofold,” Garland continues. “We inspect everything here, from the food plates to the toy-making tools. We keep everything in working order. You must have seen our stickers around and about the place.”

  One of the elves holds up a roll of star stickers, and I realise I have seen them around. There’s one on my bed. It says ‘Inspected by Icicle’.

  Luke and I both nod.

  “And of course the second part of our job is to fix things that get broken. We keep things ticking over and sort out anything that goes wrong.”

  “Ahh, maintenance army,” Luke says when he falls in.

  “Indeed, cucumber. And that’s where you come in. As I said, I’ve been waiting for more humans all year. The problem with elves, as you may have noticed, is that we’re quite short. It makes dealing with the larger problems somewhat interesting.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, there’s that pesky tile on the roof of the factory. It’s been leaking since April, and we can’t manage it by ourselves. Icicle has vertigo and Bauble is afraid of heights. That only leaves Cinnamon and me, and we can’t get up there by ourselves. It’s a human’s job. The poor factory workers have been walking around a bucket for months.”

  “Do you not have ladders in the North Pole?”

  “There’s a human ladder knocking about somewhere, but it’s too dangerous for us elves to climb it. The rungs are too far apart.”

  “Can’t you get the reindeer to fly you up there?” I ask him.

  “Oh, no, cucumber. Santa Claus doesn’t allow elves to fly on the reindeer.”

  “Can’t you ask Santa?”

  I’m surprised when the whole room bursts into laughter.

  “Ask Santa?” Cinnamon splutters.

  Garland looks at me like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “My dear, you don’t just ask Santa. This Santa is, hmm, shall we say, not very… giving of his time to us elves.”

  “What do you mean?” Luke asks.

  “Have you met him?”

  “We met him on the first night. He was quite civilised.”

  “Civilised, yes. Friendly and helpful? Not so much.”

  “Really?” I stare at him. “I thought Santa was supposed to be the nicest bloke in the universe.”

  “Clearly this one did not get that memo,” Bauble says.

  “Between you and us, I don’t think this one likes elves very much.”

  “Imagine that,” Luke mutters.

  “You all keep saying ‘this one’. How often do they change? How long has this one been here?” I ask.

  “This one is on his second year now,” Icicle says.

  Garland carries on, “There are many reasons that they change. Years pass and they die, or they screw up in a big way and get fired, or they retire, or they just simply decide they don’t want to do it anymore and hand in their notice, or their families back in the human world want them back. It can be quite a demanding job as I’m sure you can imagine.”

  “My dad is a store Santa,” I say. “That’s demanding enough. I can’t imagine what the real one’s workload is like.”

  “Oh, how lovely,” Garland says. “That must be one of the best jobs in the world.”

  “I could think of better,” I mutter.

  “Where do you find a new Santa anyway?” Luke asks.

  “We usually consult the N and N list.” Garland winks at him.

  “Of course you do.”

  “If this one is so horrible, can’t you get him fired?” I ask.

  “Oh, no, cucumber. He hasn’t committed any firing offences. He’s just not particularly fond of elves. He hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he did a mighty fine job of Christmas last year, especially after the clusterfuck of the year before.”

  “What happened the year before?”

  “Well, let’s just say Santa had a row with Mrs Claus on Christmas Eve and drowned his sorrows. He was arrested for driving under the influence after he took the sleigh for a spin down a busy one-way street in Ohio and crashed into a frozen lake. He nearly drowned more than his sorrows.”

  Luke snorts and I can’t help but laugh.

  “Oh no, cucumbers, it’s not funny. He and the reindeer were lucky to escape with their lives. It’s a good thing they’re so accustomed to the cold. It was actually quite the embarrassment. And most of the children in Russia missed out on presents that year thanks to the time it took to get sorted out. Needless to say, he was sacked immediately and replaced with this one. Unfortunately.”

  So, Santa isn’t very nice. We had suspected as much, but it’s strange to hear an elf say it.

  “As lovely as it is to sit and chat with you, my little cucumbers,” Garland is saying. “And it is lovely. I do so enjoy having the humans in. But Navi will have my guts for garters if I don’t get on with things.”

  “What do you want us to do?” Luke asks.

  “We’ll be here until midnight if I get started on my list. At least you’re not the only ones. What are the others in your group like?”

  “Er…”

  “Emily and Hugo are… okay, I guess,” I venture. “Joe, not so much.”

  “Yeah. Whatever the worst, nastiest, smelliest jobs you have to do, leave them for Joe. He’ll be overjoyed,” Luke says.

  Garland laughs. “You’re a man after my own heart, cucumber. I believe that scrubbing out the factory toilets is on the list. Tinsel and Navidad always encourage us to leave the worst jobs for the reform groups, but that one can certainly be a part of Joe’s workday when he comes here.”

  “Wait, Tinsel and Navidad are involved in this?”

  “Of course. They are the bosses, after all.”

  “What?”

  “They run this whole operation. Did they not tell you that?”

  I shake my head. “I thought they were just our minders.”

  “They’re responsible for it all. The whole reform system is their idea. They run the whole North Pole, really. Santa’s the boss, of course, but Tinsel and Navi do all the hard work.”

  “I didn’t know that,” Luke says.

  The elves shrug like it’s no big deal, but it surprises me. I had thought they were the elves who drew the short straw of being in charge of us. I didn’t realise the whole scheme was their idea.

  “How come you’re all dressed in white?” I ask. “Every other elf we’ve seen has been in this red and green crap.” I wave my booted, jingling foot around to prove my point.

  “The maintenance army is an undercover operation,” Garland explains. “The elves all know we exist, but they never talk about us. We try not to let them see us repairing things. Hence the white—we’re trying to blend in with the snow.”

  “Even elves must understand that things get broken?”

  “Yes, of course, but it’s unprofessional to allow them to see us doing it if it can be at all avoided.”

  Luke raises an eyebrow at me. “This has all got a bit Men in Black for me.”

  “Men in white, cucumber.” Garland gestures to himself with his hands and completely misses the joke.

  He goes over to a desk in the corner and starts rifling through files, then comes back with a list and runs his eyes down it.

  “Ah, yes. Plenty of maintenance to be getting on with. Luke, if you’ll come with me and we’ll see if we can’t get that factory roof sorted. You don’t have a problem with heights, do you?”

  Luke shrugs.

  “Good,” Garland says. “Now let me just find a job for you, Mistletoe… Hmm… Oh yes, that’s perfect. Just what we need a woman for. How a
re your sewing skills?”

  “Non-existent,” I tell him.

  “Oh well, you can learn. Bauble will take you upstairs and you’ll find a pile of outfits that need repairing. We elves don’t like to throw things away, you see. Whenever something breaks, the elves bring it to us and we repair it for them. But with their clothing, well, we’re only four men, cucumber. Our skills with a needle and thread leave much to be desired.”

  “So do mine.”

  “You’ll pick it up easily enough. Maybe you’ll even go home from here with a new skill.”

  Personally, I think I’m more likely to go home from here with a much greater hatred of all things Christmas than I had before.

  Luke goes up the concrete staircase with Garland and the other two, while Bauble leads me up into the house above the basement. He directs me to sit in a big, comfy-looking armchair by the window, and then he deposits a pile of elf clothes on my lap and a sewing box on the arm of the chair next to me.

  “What am I meant to do with these?”

  “There’s darning instructions in the box,” he says.

  I feel like an old woman who has stepped into the Dark Ages as I thread my needle and start going through the clothes.

  After a while, Bauble comes in and quietly places a mug of steaming hot chocolate with mini marshmallows floating on top next to me.

  I get into the swing of things with the needle and thread. It’s not difficult work, and I haven’t even stabbed myself with the needle that many times. I sip the hot chocolate and look out at the street. It’s snowing lightly, the Christmas lights are on, a few elves are out walking, and in the distance is the sound of the elf band playing “Carol of the Bells”.

  I can see Luke and Garland up on the factory roof, and I watch them for a while. Luke is really cute, even in his enforced elf suit with the bells on the hat blowing around in the wind and threatening to hit him in the eye. I giggle as I watch him bat it away for the thousandth time.

  I am not big on boys. At home, they’re all silly and immature, and I’m standoffish and cold to them. I don’t understand why my friends fawn over the football captain in our school, or why they’re all obsessed with who went on a date on Saturday night versus who sat at home watching The X Factor with their parents and little sister.