North Pole Reform School

by Admans, Jaimie

  “Why is it black?” Tinsel asks her.

  “It’s broken or switched off,” Noelle says. “Bear with me. Now I’ve got a link, I might be able to rewind the footage.”

  “This is dreadful,” Navi says as he hangs up the phone. “This is worse than nine monkeys with machine guns. They’ve lost track of him now, but they reckon he’s been breaking into houses and eating the pets. Stockings stuffed with half-eaten gerbils and reindeer legs left under the tree. I’ve never heard anything like it.”

  “I knew it was a mistake to let him fly that low. We should have been more forceful,” Tinsel adds.

  “Oi!” Luke shouts. “What the bloody hell is going on?”

  “No need to shout, Mr Wyatt.”

  “We’ve missed the beginning. What’s happened?” he asks.

  “We believe Santa may have been bitten by a zombie,” Tinsel tells us. “He’s taken the sleigh out for a trial run, but as you know the zombies have been particularly enthusiastic lately. When Santa saw them, he decided to fly the sleigh down to scare them away before continuing on the run. We lost contact with him soon after, and now we’ve got these reports coming in from our task force on the ground. Winter has been sent to find him.”

  “Got it!” Noelle shouts. She rewinds the tape, and a black-and-white picture of the sleigh fills the screen.

  “I’ll show them buggering zombies!” Santa shouts from the grainy picture. The sleigh is flying low and Santa is jumping up and down and shaking his fist. “You think you can mess with me, zombies? I am the great Santa Claus! Get away from my land! Take your stinking, rotting flesh away from my property!”

  “It’s the equivalent of the old man shouting ‘get off my lawn’, isn’t it?” Luke whispers in my ear.

  I laugh despite the situation, and about a hundred elves fix me with a death glare.

  We watch the screen in horror as Santa whips the reindeer and the sleigh lifts higher into the air, ready for the rest of the flight. Santa is completely oblivious, but the camera can see that he is not alone in the sleigh. A zombie is climbing in over the backseat.

  “It must have clung to the bars at the bottom of the sleigh!” Tinsel gasps in shock.

  Santa doesn’t see the zombie until its teeth are in his neck. He jumps up and shouts, clawing the zombie from his body. He launches it from the sleigh and clamps a hand over his neck. Even in black and white, we can see as the blood starts to pour through his fingers.

  Noelle fast-forwards through the footage. Santa fans himself and looks ill. He starts whipping the reindeer again until they start to descend and land on a flat roof.

  “That was an unscheduled landing,” Navi comments.

  That’s when all hell breaks loose. Santa jumps from the sleigh. I recognise Dasher as the reindeer nearest to him. Santa bites him on the thigh and rips a large chunk of flesh from the reindeer, and Dasher rears up in shock. Santa stands there thoughtlessly munching the flesh. He moves on to Prancer next, biting his neck until the reindeer falls down. Santa then grabs hold of his leg and rips it away from his body. There is a collective gasp from the elves as the flesh tears. Santa stands there and chews the leg like he’s munching on a chicken drumstick.

  “Oh my goodness,” Tinsel says. “Noelle, fast-forward please.”

  She does and we watch in fast-forward as the remaining reindeer panic and try to get away, but are unable to lift both the sled and the dead weight of their two friends. Santa goes to the reindeer one by one and kills them, oblivious to their frantic struggles. He eats various body parts and throws them on the roof when he is done, then returns to the sleigh and wipes his mouth. He picks up an empty sack and fills it with the discarded, half-eaten reindeer body parts and then disappears down a chimney. When he comes back up, his sack is decidedly emptier-looking, and his mouth and beard are covered in blood again. He comes back to the sleigh and throws the sack in. His dead eyes focus on the camera, and Santa, who doesn’t look much like Santa anymore, looks directly at us. He smiles a bloody grin and raises a hand. His hand smacks into the camera, and the picture fizzes then goes black.

  “Well, I never…” Navi says.

  A sense of shock settles over the army of elves. You could hear a pin drop in the crowded foyer.

  Wind rushes in as the door clatters shut.

  “Bad news,” Winter says, pulling a pair of gloves off as he comes in. “Santa has been on a rampage. The reindeer are dead. Santa has now been arrested and taken to a secure mental facility. He won’t be a problem anymore. Unfortunately, he won’t be Santa anymore either.”

  “Oh no,” Tinsel says. “Oh no.”

  “What are we going to do?” One of the elves shouts.

  A wave of panic spreads through the crowded foyer. “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow,” the elves say. “We’ll never find a Santa in time.”

  “This is truly a disaster.” Tinsel looks at Navidad in shock. “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. You’re right. We will never find a replacement Santa in that time. It took us months to find him, and now look what’s happened.”

  “Why can’t you do it?” Luke shouts, trying to be heard above the din. “You and Navi are in charge. You know what you’re doing. Why don’t you fill in for Santa for one night?”

  “It doesn’t work like that, dear boy,” Navi shouts back. “Only humans can be Santa Claus.”

  If I thought the wave of panic was bad, this is worse. It’s like the world changes to slow motion. A thousand pairs of elf eyes swivel and land on us. A thousand elf faces light up in recognition.

  “He can do it!” someone cries. “He’s human!”

  Luke, I realise. They’re talking about Luke.

  Luke grabs hold of my arm. “Back away slowly,” he hisses to me. “We can still make a run for it.”

  “Luke Wyatt.” Tinsel points her candy-cane wand at him. “Don’t even think about it. Come up here, please.”

  Luke shakes his head.

  “Luke…”

  “REFORM! REFORM! REFORM! REFORM!” The elves start chanting.

  “Fuck me,” Luke mutters.

  Winter is still behind us, and he gives Luke a gentle shove. “Go on.”

  Luke stumbles forward but doesn’t loosen his grip on my arm. He drags me with him through the crowd, and elves push and shove us from every direction.

  Eventually we make it to the bottom of the stairs with minimal bruising.

  “Luke, dear boy.” Navidad beams at him. “You’re our only hope. Without you, Christmas will be cancelled.”

  “No way,” Luke says. “I can’t do it. I hate Christmas, remember? You brought me here for ruining Christmas, and now you want me to be Santa?”

  “The ultimate reform, I think you’ll agree?” Tinsel addresses the crowd of elves rather than us.

  A cheer goes up.

  “What I don’t understand is why you don’t have a contingency plan for this?”

  “Well, who really expects Santa to turn into a zombie the day before Christmas Eve?” Navi asks him.

  Fair point, I think.

  “Give us a minute,” Tinsel says to the rest of the elves. She comes down the stairs and joins Navidad, who is standing next to us. I assume she thinks this is going to be a private chat, with only approximately a thousand elves listening in. We already know how good their hearing is.

  “Luke, listen to me, please,” Tinsel says. “We will never find a Santa on this short notice. He has to be thoroughly checked out and assessed for job suitability, not to mention the training he has to go through. It took us months to find this one, and we realise we made a mistake. Never mind the diabolical time frame. We don’t want to choose wrongly again. And we will never in a million years find a man with the ability to fly around the world on a sleigh in less than twenty-four hours time.”

  “What makes you think I can do it?”

  “You’ve spent the past few weeks learning how it’s done. You know how things work in the North Pole. You know how the sleigh flies. You know the r
eindeer. And most importantly, you know how much Christmas means to the children. If you don’t do this, there will be no Christmas this year.”

  “Tinsel, guys, look, I…” Luke glances at me. “I can’t do this.”

  “I want Luke to do it,” a voice in the crowd says.

  We look around and see that it’s Jingle from the post office. “I think Luke would be the best Santa we’ve ever had.”

  “I agree,” shouts Garland.

  Peppermint and Eggnog from the toy factory step forward. “He’s got elf blood. He’s one of us anyway.”

  “Luke would be a fantastic Santa,” Poinsettia from N and N headquarters says. “He truly cares about the children.”

  “And he cares about the elves too!” Jingle shouts.

  “I can’t…”

  “With all due respect,” Winter says gruffly. “If Luke is going to do this, then Mistletoe must go with him. The reindeer like her a lot more than they like him. I doubt they’d fly for him alone. Telling them we’ll replace them with horses is not the way to get them on side.”

  “Well,” Tinsel says, “you can’t be Santa without a Mrs Claus.”

  The old Mrs Claus comes forward, shrugging her red robe off.

  “Aren’t you Mrs Claus?” I ask.

  “Oh no, dear. I’m one of the secretaries. Santa needed a Mrs Claus, and, well, we couldn’t find anyone willing to marry that old bastard. We had to find someone to fill in. The job is yours if you want it.”

  “The lot of you can sod off. I can’t be Santa,” Luke says.

  A rush of air fills the room as the front door clatters shut.

  “You can do it, son. You have to.” It’s a jittery, old voice, and the crowd parts to let an elderly elf hobbling on a stick pass through.

  “Granddad!” Luke cries.

  “Elf Ian!” Tinsel greets him like the answer to her prayers.

  Luke runs over to give him a hug. “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

  “Give me a minute alone with my grandson.” Ian dodders. He points his stick at one of the doors to the side of the foyer, and the crowd of elves part to let them through.

  I’m unsure of what to do as the door closes behind them. Winter and Jingle come over to the foot of the stairs where we’re standing.

  “I hope Elf Ian can make him see sense,” Tinsel says to them.

  “What about you?” Winter asks me. “Are you willing to go with him?”

  “Of course,” I say instantly. I realise that I am. I think back over the past couple of weeks and all the things I’ve learned. I never imagined them to be true, but here we are. If I can play a part in saving Christmas, then I want to.

  “Good,” Winter says. “The reindeer are so young. They’ve never done this before. We won’t even have time to give them a trial run. You were so good with them, and they’ll need support on their first flight.”

  “The reindeer…” I suddenly realise we’ll be taking the baby reindeer. “Their parents are dead.”

  Winter nods.

  Of course they are. I knew that. I just hadn’t realised it.

  “Why can’t you go?” I ask Winter.

  “Elves can’t fly in the sleigh.”

  “Of course, it all depends on Elf Ian persuading Luke to help. If he says no then I don’t know what we’ll do,” Navi says.

  “I’d do it. Even if Luke says no, I’d do it.”

  “Women can’t be Santa, my dear,” Tinsel says.

  I shrug. “Luke acts tough, but he’s a big softie at heart. He’ll do it, I’m sure.”

  “I hope so,” Jingle says. “The two of you are some of the nicest humans I’ve ever met. In fact, this whole reform group has been the best ever. Except maybe that horrible man with his red-cube joke. He wasn’t very nice.”

  I laugh. Glad to see Joe has left his mark.

  “I mean it,” Jingle adds. “You two and that duck lady and the boy, you all made me feel valued again. I haven’t felt important since this Santa took over last year.”

  Tinsel pats him on the shoulder.

  The door opens and Luke pokes his head out of it. He motions for us to come over. Tinsel, Navi, and I go into the room with them. Elf Ian is sitting in a chair.

  “Okay?” I mouth at Luke.

  He nods, but he looks shaken up.

  “I’ll do it,” he says. “But I have a condition.”

  “Go on, dear boy,” Navi says.

  “You get my sister and bring her here. She’s in danger, and I’ve already been away too long. I can’t do this without knowing she’s safe.”

  “Consider it done,” Tinsel says instantly. “I’ll send the purple moose straight away.”

  “Granddad said I’d have to stay here, at least for a bit.”

  Tinsel nods. “If you put on the suit, you will become Santa until such a time as we can fill the position. While we’ll start looking for a replacement immediately, it’s not an easy or necessarily quick job. It may be months before you are relieved of the duties, although we will endeavour to have the position filled by next Christmas.”

  “And my sister can stay here?”

  “If that’s what it takes to save Christmas, she’s more than welcome.”

  “She can stay with me in the retirement home. We’re a bunch of old fogies—it will do us good to have a youngster around the place,” Ian says.

  “This applies to you too, Mistletoe. Although you will be permitted to visit your families, you will be under contract to be Santa and Mrs Claus until we can find replacements, and you will be required to spend a majority of your time at the North Pole.”

  I shrug. “My parents will be thrilled for me. They’ll think it’s the best thing in the world.”

  “Some would say it is,” Ian says.

  Luke looks at me. “I can’t do this without you.”

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I grin back at him.

  “We’re really doing this?”

  “We’re really doing this.”

  Tinsel and Navi let out a simultaneous cheer.

  Mrs Claus comes in, carrying two garment bags. “We may not have a spare Santa, but we do have spare clothing.”

  “Thanks, Carol,” Tinsel says. “Could you go and pass on the good news to the other elves?”

  “Of course,” she says happily before turning to us on her way out. “And just so you know, I’m very proud of you two.”

  Minutes later we hear an ear-shattering round of cheering from the elves in the foyer. The noise dies down as they disperse from Santa Headquarters, and the Christmas music starts playing again.

  “They can relax now they know Christmas will be saved,” Tinsel says.

  “I’d hardly call it relaxing,” Luke mutters. “Why are you so sure we can do this?”

  “Jingle is right,” Tinsel says. “You have both been excellent students. You have both given your all to everything we have made you do, and I know from the reports I’ve had back that, despite contrary appearances, you’ve actually quite enjoyed some of your time here. The elves you have met and helped have faith in you. In a minute we’ll take you to meet the black-ops chimney-related emergencies team, who will run you through the protocol and answer any questions you may have. Tomorrow will be spent organising everything. Although I’m confident we can still do it, losing Santa like this is a disaster for us. We’ll have to send a team out to recover the sleigh, and the young reindeer have never done anything like this before.”

  “Mistletoe is really good with them,” Luke says and I feel myself blush.

  “That’s why she’s going with you,” Tinsel says. “This Christmas will be a struggle for all of us, but I’m confident we can make it work.”

  “Of course we can,” Navi says. “Beauty is in the eye of the Cyclops, after all.”

  “Now then,” Tinsel says, “this is a business agreement. When you two put on these clothes, you will become Santa and Mrs Claus until we can find a replacement. It may not be anytime soon. U
ntil then you will be required to fulfil the duties of the Claus family with no exceptions. Do you agree?”

  “I do,” Luke says.

  “I do,” I say.

  “I feel like I should be giving you a wedding ring,” Luke whispers in my ear.

  Navi has pulled contracts out of the desk and brings them over for us to sign. Tinsel is unwrapping the outfits. Once we’ve slipped them on, we do a twirl and the three elves clap.

  “Do I have to wear this all the time?” Luke asks.

  “Only in public,” Navidad tells him. “All work and no play makes for three squirrels on a mushroom.”

  “This is a binding contract,” Tinsel says. “And all binding contracts in the North Pole must be sealed with a kiss under the mistletoe. Oh, look!” She points upwards, and of course there just happens to be a branch of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.

  I laugh.

  “Obviously,” Luke mutters.

  He steps forwards and takes my face in his hands. “I can’t say I ever imagined myself saying this, but thank you for being my Mrs Claus.”

  Then he kisses me. It’s soft at first, just a gentle press of his lips to mine, but I can’t help but kiss him back, and when Luke makes a noise in the back of his throat and pulls me closer to him, my knees turn to jelly. It’s been building up since the moment I stepped out of my room in our quarters and saw him standing opposite. We’ve touched and hugged and gotten close, but we’ve never acted on it. Now we don’t stop acting on it. My hands go into Luke’s hair, and he’s practically holding me up. My body feels warm and Luke’s hand cups my cheek, making me feel wanted and cherished.

  Tinsel lets out a polite cough and we jump apart. Luke looks as dazed as I feel.

  “If you’ll come with me, you will have to do a master class with the chimney-related emergency team, and after that I suggest we make a pit stop at the stables and offer the reindeer some encouragement. They’ve just lost their parents, after all. Once the sleigh has been recovered and, er, cleaned, we’ll have to get the mechanics to show you how to operate it.”

  Mrs Claus—the old Mrs Claus, that is, considering I suppose I am known as Mrs Claus now—comes in again to escort Ian back to the retirement home to await the arrival of Luke’s sister. Luke tells them to promise her we’ll come up and see her as soon as possible.