The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  “Crying?”

  “I asked him why, and he said because if she got married and had a kid, then she must have found it and destroyed it—some really special book I guess they were both looking for. But then, when he calmed down, he said all was not lost, and that we’d need her kid. We were going to move to Israel where she lived, but he found out you moved to Portland, so we came here right away.”

  “But that was thirteen years ago,” Daphna gasped. “You’ve been here all that time?”

  Emmet nodded. “In the warehouse. Only we weren’t open for business. We’ve been working and waiting.”

  “For what? Wait, Emmet, are you saying you’ve been in the warehouse for thirteen years reading books for Rash? And you never came out?”

  “Only sometimes, at night,” Emmet admitted. “I go to your house to make sure you haven’t moved. But this year he’s been letting me hunt. He’s been promising for so long.”

  An icy revulsion passed over Daphna at the thought of Emmet spying on her. And she didn’t want to ask what this hunting was about.

  “What,” she asked, “what were you waiting for?”

  “For you to turn thirteen,” Emmet said.

  “Why? What’s all this about thirteen?”

  “Don’t know. We were going to grab you today, but that was before your father gave him that book, if it is that book, if your mother didn’t destroy it. I guess it is if he let you go. Now you tell me,” Emmet demanded.

  Daphna had nearly forgotten her offer. Her mind was reeling from this overload of information. Her mother had been looking for this book, too?

  “Rash hypnotizes people,” she managed. “He uses some kind of mesmerizing words, but you don’t remember unless someone tells you what really happened.”

  This information seemed to sink in slowly with Emmet, who sat impassively after hearing it. But then he said to his knees, “He doesn’t do it to me. I know what he does to other people. He knows special words. We collect them. But he doesn’t do it to me. He even tried to teach me when I turned thirteen, but I couldn’t do it. I’m too stupid. He’s been good to me.” Emmet hesitated, then flashed that sickening smile. “And now that he’s got his book,” he declared, “I know he’ll let me do it! I thought it was going to be you. Maybe it will be anyway.”

  “What is it you want to do so badly?”

  “Kill someone.”

  Daphna, who’d kept her hand on Emmet’s through all of this, snatched it back like she’d been burned, but she managed to pretend she needed to cover a cough. Then she said she needed to use the restroom and excused herself. After slipping out the back door of the parlor, she ran for her life.

  The sandals shuffled slowly but inexorably toward the entry room. Why he didn’t bolt immediately was beyond Dex. He peeked over the desk, hoping to judge that the distance to the door was short enough for a sprint, but he was met with a shock.

  Ruby! Standing right there! She’d apparently come out of a hall on the other end of the room and was now looking him straight in the eye. Dex, paralyzed, simply stared at her vivid white hair and elaborately wrinkled face, unable to dip back out of sight.

  But then, to his amazement, she put a finger to her lips and motioned for him to get down. Dex ducked under the desk one more time, just as Rash appeared in the entry room.

  “Patience, patience now, old man,” Rash counseled himself. He approached the desk and began feeling around on top.

  “Emmet!” he hollered after finding it bare. “Where is my list?! ” When no answer came, he pounded his cracked cane inches above Dex’s head.

  “Excuse me, Sir!” said a woman’s voice—Ruby’s. Dex had somehow forgotten she was there.

  The sandal stopped and turned. “May I help you?” Rash snapped.

  “Yes, thank you ever so much. Could I trouble you for just a moment? I seem to be unable to find the section on Argentine knifefighting charms. Do you think you could lead me there? Oh, dear. You can’t see! I’m dreadfully sorry.”

  “Who are you?” Rash demanded. “I know your voice.”

  “How strange,” said Ruby. “I do come in here a lot. Is this a bad time?”

  “Of course not,” Rash replied. “I know this place perfectly. If you would be so kind as to follow me. I am expecting my useless assistant to return at any moment. I have urgent business.”

  “Oh, I understand completely. Good help is so hard to find these days. I’m sorry to bother.”

  And with that, the robe shuffled away, and the two elderly people disappeared into the store.

  There was no hesitating this time. Dex broke for the front door. He half expected to run into Daphna and Emmet out front, but they weren’t there, so he dashed across the street and slipped back into the alley.

  He’d done it!

  But the elation was short lived. By the time Dex’s nerves had settled, he felt only a powerful wave of a very familiar feeling. Did he really think he was going to be able to use this book? Who was he kidding? Ruby would probably think he was crazy, a crazy thief. And now that he’d told Daphna what he was doing, she would want to see it, especially since she’d helped him. In fact, she’d probably only helped when she realized what they might get. Yes, she would demand to see the ledger, and this struck Dexter as the worst possible result of all his efforts.

  The noise of a large vehicle attracted Dex’s attention. A garbage truck pulled to a stop at the curb directly in front of the alley. As soon as he saw it, Dex’s instincts took over. He approached the truck, and without looking even one more time at the large book in his hands, he tossed it into the scoop. Dex watched it get dumped into the midst of tons of garbage. The sight of it buoyed his flagging spirits.

  Then he saw Daphna. She was padding nervously toward the store, trying to peek in unnoticed. Dex sighed. He poked his head out of the alley and whistled. At first, Daphna looked relieved, then furious. She stormed across the street.

  “Dexter!” Daphna roared, “How could you be so irresponsible! Anything could have happened to you in there! And I had to lure Emmet away for you! He’s a maniac! He’s wants to kill someone, Dexter, actually kill someone! What if he’d hurt me! What if Rash had gotten hold of you! What if—” but Daphna was running out of steam because what she’d learned from Emmet was suddenly overwhelming her anger.

  “Dex,” she said, calm but panting, “Dad’s not involved in all this— Mom is.”

  Dex had been waiting for his sister to stop ranting so he could tell her off again, but he was taken completely off guard by this news. Daphna shared the gist of what she’d gotten out of Emmet.

  “So, hold on,” Dex said when she finished. “He figured if Mom had gotten married and had kids, then she must’ve found some book and gotten rid of it? What’s one thing got to do with the other? Was she searching for it every minute of her life or something?”

  “Maybe,” Daphna said. “Maybe I was right and it is full of hypnotic words. Maybe Mom thought it was evil or something. But Rash has a lot of words. Emmet told me they collect them. I think that’s what the ledger is, Dex. You said Rash needed to find something in it to verify the book Dad gave him, right? Did you get it? Did you hide it or something?”

  “Got rid of it,” Dex said. “A certain old and cruddy book is off to the city dump.”

  For a moment, Daphna wasn’t sure how to react. If Rash needed that ledger, she was glad they’d taken it—but why throw it away so quickly? Now that their Mom was part of all this, she felt a burning desire to get to the bottom of it. “Did you at least look at it?” she asked.

  “It was just a bunch of chicken scratch,” Dex lied. “Totally illegible.”

  “But Dexter,” Daphna protested, “I’m good at deciphering sloppy work. Now we have no way of knowing what it was.”

  “Sue me then!” Dex snarled. Of course he’d done the wrong thing. He always did the wrong thing. His mother was involved? It didn’t matter. He’d had enough. “I don’t see what you’re worried about,” Dex a
dded. “I’m sure if you flirt with that Neanderthal some more, he’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

  “What?! I did that for you! I probably risked my life!”

  “Did I ask you to?” Dex retorted. But he knew, he always knew, when he was being a jerk. It just didn’t matter. Dex had an incredible urge to shove his sister, but instead he walked away.

  Daphna was livid. She didn’t understand why her brother was such a certifiable lunatic sometimes, and right out of the blue. He could be perfectly normal, even halfway nice one minute, then go mental the next. Throwing away that ledger was exactly the kind of thoughtless thing he’d do.

  Daphna stood there shaking her head. But then she remembered her father.

  entries and exits

  Dex headed home. He was finished with all this nonsense. Of course he arrived at the same time Daphna did. Brother and sister glared at each other as they headed in the back door. They were both pleased, though, to see sandwiches sitting on the kitchen table. Less pleasing was Latty’s half-crazed expression.

  “Look,” Daphna said, trying to head off an agonized plea, “we’re sorry, really, but all kinds of crazy things are going on.” The moment she said this, Daphna realized Latty might very well be able to shed some light on the craziness.

  “Was Mom searching for one really special book,” she asked, “a book she wanted to get rid of? Maybe kind of, well, a hypnotism book? You said you heard of Mr. Rash, right? Is there any chance he was looking for it, too?”

  Latty looked stricken. “Did—did you go see that vile man this morning? I told you,” she sputtered, coming unhinged in a way neither twin had previously witnessed. “I insisted!”

  “But Dad—”

  “This is positively the last straw!” Latty wailed. “You—you are both—grounded! You are not to leave this house until—until school starts! And if I have to stay home and watch you every second, I will! Do you hear me?! What can I say to make you two understand how worried I get?!”

  “But Dad called—!” Daphna again attempted to protest.

  “I don’t want to hear it!” Latty railed.

  “You can’t ground us!” Dex roared.

  “YOU’RE NOT OUR MOTHER! ”

  These were words neither twin had ever uttered before. Daphna was shocked to hear them, but not sorry.

  Latty looked mortally wounded. She didn’t seem to know what to say, but it didn’t matter because just then, in through the back door wobbled a very unsteady Milton Wax. He looked awful. His face was gaunt, and his eyes rolled vacantly. Dex and Daphna looked at each other and immediately forgot about Latty.

  “You’re ill!” Latty cried, rushing to Milton’s aid. In a flash, she had him sitting at the table with a cold compress on his forehead.

  “No, no,” Milton muttered to no one in particular. “Winded is all. Long morning. I’ve been doing some thinking.”

  For a moment, and despite all that had happened, both Dex and Daphna thought there was still a chance he’d been out finding gifts. But he hadn’t come in with anything, and he sat down without acknowledging their presence.

  “I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” he finally admitted. “Went by that shop again. I think there might have been some misunderstanding about the book I brought in yesterday.”

  “Yes!” Daphna encouraged. “He—he tricked you into giving it to him—”

  “Mr. Rash was in a terrible state,” Milton said, giving Daphna a puzzled look. “He was waving that broken cane around like a madman.”

  “What’s going on?” the twins asked, breathless.

  “Lost,” Milton said, but he was looking off somewhere between or above the twins. “Some valuable book was lost. Irreplaceable, apparently. He had that big boy searching high and low.”

  Dex and Daphna exchanged worried but pleased glances.

  Milton went on, “Mr. Rash did calm down a bit. He asked me to find a certain book for him, something he’d owned in the past. I told him I had an idea of someone who might have a copy—old Berny Quartich, actually.”

  “You didn’t tell him who had it, did you?” Daphna asked.

  “Of course not,” Milton replied.

  “Dad, about yesterday,” said Daphna, “when you met with Mr. Rash—”

  “Mr. Rash said he’d consider renegotiating the sale of my book if I could get it for him quickly,” Milton said. “I’ll just head on over—”

  “You’ll do no such thing, Mr. Milton Adam Wax!” Latty declared. “You will go straight up to bed and stay there until you get some life back in you.”

  “Dad!” Daphna tried again. “He hypnotized you! He knows words that can—”

  “Daphna!” Latty scolded. “Don’t be absurd!” She was ushering Milton out of the kitchen.

  Like an ailing child, he wasn’t resisting at all, and he’d shown no discernable reaction to Daphna’s revelation.

  A wave of distaste washed over Dex as he watched.

  Daphna realized her father was getting very, very old. So weak was the thought that crossed both their minds.

  “Dad!” Dexter called out before he was whisked away entirely. “What’s the book called? The one Rash wants you to get?”

  Again, Milton looked confused. “A Latin book,” he managed.

  “What’s it called?” the twins asked.

  “Did I mention it was Latin? Perhaps I’ll track it down tomorrow.”

  “But what is it called? ”

  “Videre Per Alterum.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Instead of replying, Milton paled further and went weak in the knees. He clutched at Latty.

  “That does it!” she cried. “Can’t you two hooligans see your father isn’t well? We’re going to the hospital, Milton.” She reversed course and herded him to the door.

  “Wait!” Daphna called before they’d gone. “Galice!”

  Dex shook his head. “Kalice!” he shouted. Then, “Graal!”

  Milton offered no reaction.

  Latty did though. “What is wrong with you, two?” she demanded, clearly disgusted. “Is this a time for nonsense?! And don’t you dare leave this house. Do you hear me! We’ll be right back!” And with that, she hauled Milton out to the car and drove off.

  When they were gone, Daphna turned to Dex. “What are we going to do now?” she asked. “Telling Dad didn’t make him remember. I’m sure it’s because he saw Rash again today!”

  “Did you hear how mad Rash is?” Dex said. He couldn’t prevent a smirk.

  “Yeah,” Daphna replied. She allowed a smile too, but only momentarily. “Dex, we’ve got to help Dad, but we don’t know what Rash did to him.” She thought a moment longer, then said, “We might have been able to find something in that ledger to help, but that’s out, so we’ve got to find out what this new book is, this Latin book. They must be connected.”

  “Daphna, I’m sorry I threw the ledger away,” Dex said. “As usual, I was wrong, okay?”

  “Dex, I wasn’t—”

  “Anyway, Dad won’t be going anywhere for a while. When they get back, Latty will probably barricade his room. She’ll guard the door for a week if she has to.”

  “That would be lucky,” Daphna said. “But she’d probably lock us in there with him. I hope she’s just being paranoid, though. She’s totally snapped! She grounded us, Dex! I’m sorry, but there’s no way—you don’t think it’s serious, do you? Dad, I mean.”

  “No,” Dex said with reasonable confidence. “You know how Latty gets when we’re sick. And she can’t ground us. We don’t get grounded.”

  “Yeah,” said Daphna, comforted. “We’ll talk her down later. Maybe since she knew Rash, she’s been thinking about Mom. You know she gets extra protective every time that happens.”

  “Whatever,” Dex replied. “She needs to get over it. It’s been thirteen years.”

  “Hey,” said Daphna, “what if Dad isn’t the only one Rash has looking for this Latin book?”

  “That
just means we better get a move on it.” Somehow Dex was still involved in all this. He had to admit now that he wanted to be.

  Daphna was glad not to be in this alone, even if her brother’s “help” meant more hassles.

  “Hey!” she said again, “maybe we can find a copy on the web and order it! There are tons of rare book sites. Come on.” Daphna headed into the office. It only took a few seconds to call up one of the bookmarked sites. “What was it called again, that Latin book?”

  “Videre Per Alterum.”

  “Can you type that in for me?”

  “What am I, your slave?” Dex snapped. “Are you crippled or something?”

  “No, Dexter! I just have no idea how to spell it.”

  “And I know Latin?”

  “Fine. Whatever,” Daphna shot back, just barely resisting the urge to make a crack about Dex not knowing French either. Here it was again, Mr. Schitzo acting like a normal person one minute and a crazy one the next.

  She did the best she could trying to type in the title, but her search came up with nothing.

  “Wait!” Daphna cried when the disappointment passed. “Dad’s got an old Latin dictionary. I was just looking up some stuff last week!”

  Dex rolled his eyes as Daphna scampered to the living room. She returned a few moments later waving a tall, skinny, oldlooking book.

  “Got it!” she said. “A ha!”

  “What?”

  “This is where I’d seen a book shaped like this,” Daphna said. “That book Dad gave Rash. It was in this same funny shape. Long and narrow. Except of course it was mangled half-to-death.”

  “And? ”

  “It’s been bugging me is all.” Daphna opened the dictionary and paged through.

  Dex watched his sister, feeling as though he ought to be helping in some way. He couldn’t think of anything to do, so he said, “That looks like a pretty old book.”