The Book of Nonsense

by David Michael Slater

  The twins did not reply, but Ruby evidently wasn’t looking for conversation.

  “I told you the truth about spying on Asterius,” she said. “I’ve been following him for centuries. He may be a hothead and a fool, but he is relentless after all, and I figured my best bet was to let him find the book and then either rejoin him or simply take it from him. So when he moved here, I moved here, too. And then I saw whom he had that disgusting boy spying on, you two dears. It was obvious to me right away whose children you were, so I decided a recruit was in order. I chose Dex because there is no one easier to manipulate than a boy, angry at the injustices of the cruel, cruel world.” She laughed.

  Dexter flushed with rage.

  “Another of Asterius’ problems,” Ruby added, “was that he never understood the need to play as many angles as possible. Here’s a tip for you, Dexy, from your old tutor: keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer! One way or another—if your father had it, if Asterius got it, or if you got it from either of them—I’ve always known I’d get the book back! But don’t worry, when I learn the First Tongue, there will be peace. Asterius and I always intended that. After all, what could be more peaceful than a world full of grateful slaves? Heaven on Earth, indeed!”

  Both Dex and Daphna opened their mouths, but there simply wasn’t anything to say. Ruby wasn’t done talking anyway.

  “And our little part in the story together could have ended so sweetly,” she went on. “We could have had a little ceremony in which I burned a book looking a lot like this one, congratulated you two for doing the world a great service, then disappeared into the night for a nice relaxing holiday to read! But no! You’ve ruined that possibility. I simply can’t have you out there looking for me, scheming the way your mother always did.

  “No, you’ve driven me into open conflict, and when Ruby Scharlach is forced into open conflict, things are settled quickly and without a fuss. Let’s go. We need to go somewhere private, and Dex, you seem to have a perfect spot. We’re going to your little secret hideout in the woods.”

  murder mystery

  Ruby picked up the phone and touched a number. “Evelyn!” she said, sounding like a kindly old lady again. “Is there by any chance a shuttle down there? There is? Fabulous. I’ve got the Wax twins with me today—Oh, yes, Dexter is here, too. Sure I’ll say hi—he’ll understand you have to run. We’d like to take a little field trip to Gabriel Park—Yes, the weather. True. We’re hoping it rains, actually. Dexter’s showing off some sort of Boy Scout talent or other—Great, can he drop us off? Oh, just an hour. Perfect. We’ll be right down.” Ruby put both the book and gun into her purse, then waved the twins to the door.

  “Children,” she said, “one false move, as they say, and you’re both dead. I’m a crack shot.”

  Daphna and Dex were both numb now. There seemed to be a limit to the number of times a person could deal with the possibility of being murdered in one day. They simply got up and did as they were told.

  But in the hall, Daphna’s hopes flickered to life. Mrs. Deucalion and Mr. Bergelmir, along with Mr. Hina and Mrs. Tapi, were there, practically right outside the door. The others were further down the hall, milling around with the goofy looks they always wore. Daphna was sorry she’d wished them away. She was never so glad to see their simple faces! Ruby looked furious at all the traffic.

  “Daphna!” Mrs. Tapi said, “I heard you came back. Why, look at you two! You look awful! Is something wrong? Was there a fight? You were shouting.”

  “Ah—um—actually, we—” Daphna wasn’t sure what to say or do. Her instinct was to throw herself at the Dwarves and beg for help, but the poisonous look on Ruby’s face silenced her, at least for the moment.

  “They do look afright,” Ruby said, jovially, as if the twins’ bruised and bloodied condition was just their youthful enthusiasm showing.

  “You know how kids take their games so seriously,” she added. “We’re doing one of those murder mystery games, where the players act out parts. Can you believe the make-up? They’ve just dug up a corpse in the park and have to take me to identify it.” Ruby shrugged good-naturedly, as if to say what could she do but indulge such kooky kids.

  While the Dwarves took all this in, Daphna looked at each of them with beseeching eyes. Evidently, Ruby saw this because she took the gun out and pointed it at her. “I was going to tell them my part is DoubleCrossing Murderer when we got to the park, but this is just too much fun to wait.”

  The Dwarves had all looked shocked, but then Mr. Bergelmir broke into a grin. “I’d love to play!” he said, his face lighting up. “It’s Mrs. Scharlach, yes? I’ve heard about these games! They even have murder cruise ships these days!”

  “I’d love it, too!” This was Mrs. Tapi. Then, all the Dwarves were volunteering to play.

  Dex and Daphna looked at each other and shared the same thought. If they could stay in such a large group, they’d be safe. Ruby looked like she could shoot everyone right then and there.

  “No,” she said, “I wouldn’t feel right dragging you all into the woods.”

  “Oh, but we’d love it!” protested Mrs. Kunyan. “Nothing half this exciting has happened around here in ages! Besides, now that we know you’re a Double-Crossing Murderer, we have to protect these poor, innocent children!”

  “Of course,” Ruby conceded through gritted teeth.

  It was agreed, so the Dwarves all shuffled back to their various rooms for coats and hats. In the meantime, Ruby punched at the elevator button, clearly hoping to leave without them. But it wouldn’t come. By the time the doors opened, Mr. Dwyfan, whose room was right across the hall, had emerged. He held the elevator while the rest of the group made their plodding way to join him.

  Once everyone was finally in, Mr. Hina turned to Daphna. “We can’t wait for our next book,” he said. “Did you have anything in mind? We’re all anxious to know!”

  “A murder mystery I hope!” Mr. Bergelmir laughed.

  Daphna tried to smile, but it was almost impossible to speak in her current state of mind.

  “Oh, I’m still thinking it over,” she managed. She pointed at her brother. “This is Dexter,” she said, “my twin.” This set off a fuss as everyone wanted to get a better look at him.

  On the ride over to the park, the Dwarves made eager small talk. They chattered about this and that, mostly to Dex, asking him all about his life. He barely managed replies that kept everyone talking. The Dwarves tried to engage Ruby as well, but she was having none of it.

  The bus stopped in a small parking lot abutting the park. When Ruby rose in the aisle, the twins panicked.

  Daphna leapt to her feet first and screamed, “This isn’t a game! She really is a murderer! It’s a real gun!”

  ‘What? What’s going on here!” This was the bus driver, turning around in naked alarm.

  “You’ve got to help us!” Dex cried. “She’s—” but Ruby was now pointing the gun directly at his heart.

  The driver screamed, but the Dwarves all chuckled. One of them went, “Oooooh!” in mock horror.

  “Don’t worry!” said Mrs. Deucalion. “We’re playing Murder Mystery! Look at that make-up—first rate!”

  “Get off the bus or die here and now,” Ruby said to the twins. They did as they were told, and the group of increasingly amused Dwarves followed. The driver, shaking his head, pulled the door shut behind them and drove away, leaving the whole crowd standing under threatening skies at the head of the park’s main trail.

  Dex looked down the path at the cedar tree and the spot where he’d blundered into Emmet. That seemed like a thousand years ago.

  “Okay, Dex,” Ruby said. “Show me where the body is. Any more nonsense, and you’ll be joining it in a shallow grave.”

  “Oh, she’s good,” Mrs. Kunyan marveled. “She’s really good.”

  “We’re up to it,” said a smiling Mr. Bergelmir. “Here, how about this: Over our dead bodies!”

  “That can be arranged,
” Ruby replied, aiming the gun at him. She flashed a smile.

  “She’s got us,” Mr. Bergelmir admitted.

  “Now move, Dexter, or I’ll kill you.”

  Bitterly, Dex led the group down the path. It was slow going with the gang of old people dawdling along, stopping here and there to look for bodies or assassins lurking about. When they passed the giant cedar, Dex veered onto the hidden path diverging into the thick of the woods. The group walked for a good fifteen minutes, pushing aside bushes and branches and stepping over logs. No less than six times, Ruby suggested the gang turn back if the going was too rough, but each time they declined.

  After a few more twists among the trees, the Clearing came into view. There was the soft bed of multi-colored leaves. There was the fuzzy moss blanketing the ground. There was the peace, thought Dex.

  Once in the Clearing, everyone stopped to recuperate and have a look around.

  “Ash trees!” Mrs. Kunyan announced. “How absolutely beautiful!” The others concurred, moving around for closer looks.

  Ruby could contain herself no longer.

  “You forced my hand!” she roared.“Don’t you meddling bunch of old windbags ever SHUT UP?! ”

  All talking ceased. Everyone looked stunned.

  “Whatever do you mean?” Mr. Dwyfan asked. “Is this part of the game?”

  “She means, this isn’t a game,” Daphna moaned. “We’ve been trying to tell you. It’s a real gun.”

  Gradually, the Dwarves seemed to comprehend the situation. They looked from Daphna to Ruby, who was regarding them with withering scorn.

  “Dexter and Daphna,” Ruby instructed, “if either of you make any effort to run, I’ll shoot you in the legs and let you die slowly. If you do as I say, I will make it painless.”

  Neither Dexter nor Daphna replied to this. Neither could.

  Ruby turned her attention to the Dwarves. “All of you blowhards, just walk away,” she said. “Just go back to your lounge and deal out a new deck of cards.”

  At first, none of the dwarves moved; they seemed petrified. Then someone moved, Mrs. Tapi, and the whole group followed suit.

  They moved, but not away.

  Instead, in a bunch, they stepped directly between the twins and Ruby.

  “Move!” Ruby repeated. “This is not a game, I promise you!”

  But no one did. In fact, they seemed to be hunkering down. It was as if, in the blink of an eye, they’d transformed into some sort of military outfit…

  Daphna laughed. She couldn’t help herself. She laughed right out loud, and hard. She thought her capacity to show amazement had been exhausted, yet she was amazed. Dex looked at her.

  “The Seven Dwarves,” she whispered, shaking her head, marveling at her apparently infinite dimwittedness. “The triumph of The Eight. There were seven left when Mom died!”

  Dex looked at the hunched backs now forming a half circle in front of him. Seven timeworn faces turned and nodded at him solemnly.

  Ruby also understood. Her face fell momentarily, but she did not lower the gun.

  “I should have known,” she sighed. “But no matter! The book is mine, and seven doddering fools can’t do a thing about it.” She produced the book from her purse and held it aloft.

  “It’s over, Rose,” said Mr. Hina. “Let us have the book.”

  Ruby, or Rose, laughed outright at this. “Do you think that portentous tone has an effect on me, you ridiculous old man?” she mocked. “I have an offer for you, though. When the Words of Power again pass these lips, I will make you my Overlords. All you have to do is step aside.”

  There was a long pause, during which Mr. Hina seemed to be considering the offer. Then he said, oddly, “That’s an old-fashioned gun, Rose.” He took a step, not to the side, but forward, directly toward Ruby. And then he began walking toward her, like he might approach a friend to shake hands.

  With equal parts terror and resignation, Dex and Daphna watched the scene unfold.

  When Mr. Hina was just a stride away from Ruby, a gunshot rent the air. At the same moment, a terrific thunderclap burst from the black clouds overhead. Sheets of rain came crashing down over the woods, pelting the Clearing and everyone in it.

  Mr. Hina fell to the ground. Dex and Daphna weren’t exactly sure what had happened—and now they couldn’t see because the six others had stepped together, closing ranks. No one seemed to be speaking, but it was hard to hear anything through the hurtling downpour.

  The twins huddled together, uselessly trying to shield each other from the rain. Soaked already, they cowered behind their aged human shields.

  The Dwarves stood steady.

  “Give us the book!” one of them shouted. Lightening cracked. A moment later, another spectacular thunderclap.

  “You are all fools!” Ruby railed through the rain. “You will all die out here!”

  In response to this, the entire group took a deliberate step forward, then another. A second shot rang out. One, two, three, four shots. Or was that thunder? It was booming before, between, after—there was no way to tell what was happening.

  The twins dropped to the ground amidst further explosions. More gunshots? More thunder? The sounds were deafening. Brother and sister lay face down in the leaves.

  Suddenly, everything went quiet, or seemed to. The sound of steady rain continued, but the thunder, the gunshots, the gutwrenching explosions were gone.

  Dex and Daphna sat up, nearly blind with fear. Two figures were left standing in the distance. It was difficult to see clearly through the rain. A mist—or was it smoke?—seemed to have descended. They heard clicking, repeated clicking.

  “An old-fashioned six-shooter!” a voice called out. Mrs. Tapi’s. “It was over from the start!” she shouted.

  “No!” Ruby yelled and took off running. She fell almost immediately over a body. Bodies were everywhere.

  The rain suddenly stopped, but sounds were foreign. The landscape was bending. Dex and Daphna saw the lone figure still standing approach the one now getting to its knees. Light flashed from something it took from its pocket.

  “Swallow,” Mrs. Tapi ordered, but then she added, almost tenderly, “Go in peace.”

  There was the sound of a brief struggle, then the figure on its knees simply slipped to the ground and lay still.

  Things seemed to go in slow motion then. Mrs. Tapi reached down and picked something up from the ground.

  The book!

  She carried it off to the side of the Clearing, just behind the twins, who did not, at first, turn to face her. There was the sound of a match being struck, then another. A voice then: Mrs. Tapi’s again.

  “Do not grieve,” she whispered. “Do not for a moment lament the melancholy events that have occurred in this place.

  “When your mother informed us of her intention to abandon the search to raise a family, we were saddened, but not surprised. Several of us did the very same thing over the years, though our own tragedies brought each of us back. We were saddened to learn of her death, and we agreed to establish a watch over you in gratitude for all she had done. At least one of us has been here ever since, but we all came together recently to spend our final days together.

  “Daphna, our plan was to reveal ourselves to you on your visit to us today, on your birthday, and ask you to bring Dexter to us, too. We hoped to recruit you to the search. We had no idea what was going on under our noses, I am ashamed to admit. Please do not be angry with us. Ruby looks nothing like she used to. Mr. Bergelmir saw you enter her room. It was we who triggered the building’s alarm in hopes of discovering what was going on. We had little strength left, but enough for a moment like this. The only thing we all craved as much as completing our mission was an end to our wearied lives. Now, at long last, we have accomplished both. I will destroy this book once and for all. If I could just get a fire start—”

  Mrs. Tapi’s voice hitched. She was suddenly gasping for air. Dex and Daphna finally turned. Time sped up. The forest spun; everyt
hing blurred.

  Something inhuman. A monstrosity. A bulging and bloated beast with wet, red skin, if the thing could be said to have skin at all, had Mrs. Tapi by the throat.

  Neither Dex nor Daphna were sure they were seeing what they thought they were seeing—how could they be? Both were sure what they smelled though. A putrid odor was radiating from the thing. Daphna tried to turn away, but found it impossible. Dex began to gag. It was dark; it was raining again; they had to be hallucinating. Mrs. Tapi wasn’t even struggling. She was limp. The thing let go of her, and she slumped to the forest floor.

  Now it was coming toward them.

  It was all too unreal. Neither twin moved. The thing was standing over them. Now it was keeling between them. Wet hands were pressing down on their throats. Then a voice, ruined, croaked, “It was the old man. Then it was that old lady, and now it’s gonna be—”

  That’s when the screaming started. Words weren’t discernible, only raw, primal screaming. Someone was running and screaming toward the Clearing. The thing let go of their throats. It scrambled along the ground. Then it ran.

  Now there were sirens again, and the sounds of lots of people shouting among the trees. Colors blended and dripped.

  Everything faded to black.

  words

  Dexter tried to open his eyes. With significant effort, he managed to open the left, but the right was swollen shut. His lip was puffed up and crusty and throbbing, and his limbs felt like dead weights. He was dry, though, lying in a bed wearing ugly green pajamas. Daphna was blinking at him from another bed, wearing the same thing.

  “We’re in the hospital,” she whispered. “You’ve been asleep for hours! The police were here. I was pretending to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to say anything. They’re all dead, Dex. All of them. I’ve been looking down on them, on old people, for—forever, acting like I was some great person for taking pity on them. I feel like I woke up from the worst nightmare of all time.” Daphna blinked again, then began to sob.