“In the story from Scripture this morning, this man, this merchant goes searching for fine pearls and upon finding a pearl of great price, he sells all he owns to buy it. Did you hear that? The man sells everything.” He looked to the other side of the simple wooden pews. “I am reminded of Jesus’s admonition to the rich young official in St. Luke’s Gospel when He said, ‘Go sell everything you own, and come follow Me.’ Remember also the story of the man who laid up riches here on earth, planning to build bigger and bigger bins to hold all he had. God said, ‘Fool, tonight everything you own will be required of you.’ Everything. It’s a big word, is it not?”
Dani pulled her arms in front of her and pushed her feet back as her thoughts tumbled into what he was saying.
“I believe this begs the question, ‘What is your everything? And what would you sell it in order to get?’ I believe it can also be asked, ‘What is God’s everything? And what was He will to sell or give up to get it?’ You see the pearl of great price is a symbol for something desirable, something we want, something so valuable to you that you would give up everything else to have it. For a moment, let’s take up this parable from God’s perspective. What was God willing to give up? His own life, right? He was willing to die to pay for the pearl of great price, which we come to see eventually is… us. We are God’s pearl of great price. The pearl He gave up Heaven to get. The pearl He gave up His life on a cross to get. We are that valuable to God.”
Shifting because she wasn’t at all sure she believed she was much of something to be desired, much less very valuable, Dani shook her head. No. The parable was about you needing to give up all the worldly things to have God. That’s what she had always been taught in Sunday School, and as bad as that sounded, she wasn’t about to give up everything. She had worked too hard and too long to get it. Everything made her who she was. It kept her from being who her family had been. And if she ever forgot it, her mother was right there to remind her.
Sit up straight, Danisha. Do you know what people think of you when you slouch like that? Danisha, my goodness, child, what did you do to this dress? Do you know how much this cost? I cannot understand why you insist on wasting money by being so careless. Well, we will have to change it, and now we’re going to be late, and you know how your father hates being late. I don’t know why you can’t act like a lady instead of a little hoodlum all the time. Always know that to be anything in the eyes of others, you will have to be smarter, and faster, and prettier. They will not give you the benefit of the doubt. You already start with two strikes against you. You will have to work harder and longer and be more persistent, or you will end up right back where we came from. You have to earn every good thought they have of you. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare embarrass us like this. Good gracious, what were you thinking? You are going to ruin your father’s reputation. He is a respected lawyer for goodness sake. We expect you to follow in his footsteps, not go off and find yourself. Find yourself. What does that even mean? You’re right here, and you have every privilege most kids like you will never have. Now straighten up and act like it.
The horrible diatribes she had labored under her whole life pressed down on her spirit until she could hardly bear them. She had done everything her mother and father had practically demanded she do so that she wouldn’t “disappoint” them, and where had it gotten her? All alone in a church on the other side of the world on Sunday morning because being here was expected of her? So she could make more money, have more, get more… be more? But did all of that stuff really make her something, someone to be proud of? Did it really make her feel valuable?
She thought about her parents, how they had worked their whole life to shine an image that was never real. She well knew how they fought, how her father had been unfaithful, how her mother had stayed because he was a “good man” who “provided for them so well” and they “should be grateful for all he did” for them. Well, what if she wasn’t grateful? What if she wanted more? What if she wanted a father who came home and helped her with homework, like Eric did with Jaden? What if she wanted a father who came to her concerts and clapped for her even though she didn’t have a starring part, like Eric did for Jaden? What if…?
The thoughts slammed to a stop, and she winced at them. As if looking at the world through the tiny heart of a child, she saw her childhood in vivid colors, and tears filled her eyes. As a child, she didn’t care how many cars they had or that they could go to New York or Washington D.C. whenever they wanted. She didn’t care that their house was the biggest on the street or that her clothes were from the finest shops. She really didn’t. They were rich in money and poor in everything else.
She tipped her head at that thought. Rich in money. Poor in everything else. Everything. Everything. Everything…
After the service, Dani made her way over to the minister. If she could just ask him, just get him to tell her what the right everything was that she should be going for… “Good morning,” she said, shaking his hand.
“Ah, American,” he said with a smile. “So nice that you could join us this fine morning.”
“Yes. Thank you.” She nodded, suddenly thinking she shouldn’t ask; however, she pushed that back. “Do you mind… I kind of have a… question about what you said earlier…?”
His bright blue eyes smiled under the shock of white hair. “I have two hours before the next service. Would you like to go to my office?”
“Yes,” she said even as nerves attacked her. “I would like that.”
The office turned out to be quite small for the grandeur of the rest of the church, and she waited while he went into another room for a few moments. Her gaze, full of nervous energy, flitted around the room, taking in the bookshelves lined behind the desk, the stark chairs and paintings that looked a hundred years old or more.
“Now,” the minister said, coming back out to sit at his desk, “how might I be of service?”
Dani swallowed, hoping she wouldn’t sound ridiculous. “You spoke, in there, earlier, about the pearl of great price and selling everything you have to get it. I was wondering if you could be a little more specific.”
He tipped his head in incomprehension. “Specific?”
“Yes.” She cleared her throat. “You see, the way I learned it, we are supposed to be willing to sell everything we own to get to God, to get to Heaven, to get His approval, but well, that doesn’t sound very practical. I mean, does that mean the bums on the street are going to Heaven, but all the rest of us are doomed?”
His smile was gentle. “I believe you are looking at the passage only in terms of money.”
“Well, yes. What other way is there to look at it?”
He took a second to consider either the question or her, she wasn’t sure. “Let’s think about it this way. Your heart, what is in the center of it?”
“Uh, blood, veins, tissue…?”
He laughed heartily. “No. No. My dear. Metaphorically. Your heart, your heart. What is at the center of it? What does the rest of your life revolve around?”
She puzzled over the question, having never really thought about it. “Well, a lot of things, I guess. My work, my child, my husband, my community, the people I work with…”
“Okay, let’s put those in order. What comes first for you? What is at the center of your heart?”
As Dani thought about it, she blinked, trying to ascertain both what her answer should be and what it was. “Well, my family. I mean, they’re really important, but so’s my job. I’m a lawyer. I work for a very large firm and the work we do is important.”
“I’m sure it is,” he said, nodding as he placed his hands on the desk. “I believe I am starting to see the issue.”
Defensiveness crawled on her. “And that is?”
However, instead of answering directly, he stood, went over to the bookshelf, turned his back to her with hands clasped behind his back and started perusing the books there. “Are you familiar with the term ‘sacrifice’?”
Wo
rry crawled over the defensiveness, and she scowled. “I am.”
“Good. Good.” He nodded, still surveying the books. “And have you ever heard of the Pauli exclusion principle that two objects cannot be in the same space at the same time?”
“I know of it, yes?”
A moment and he turned and leaned on the small sill of the bookshelf countertop. Crossing his arms, he gazed at her. Not glaring but with the gentle eyes of a great teacher. “Would you agree that many phenomena we find in the physical world have direct counterparts in the spiritual world?”
He was losing her, and she didn’t like the feeling. She shifted but was careful to keep her eyes on him so as not to show him he was making her uncomfortable. “I’m not sure what you mean by that.”
After a second he nodded. “I have found that God…” He glanced up at the ceiling. “…teaches us in many ways. Ways most of us never think to even think about or bother to ponder. Like for instance how things in our physical world contain in them nuggets of spiritual wisdom. For example, an object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced or outside force, and an object in motion continues in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced or outside force. What does that mean to you?”
“Once something starts moving, it keeps moving unless something stops it.”
“Precisely. In the spiritual realm, it is the same, is it not? A person who is at rest tends to stay at rest until something unbalanced knocks them out of that rest. Or, a person who is going one way tends to keep going that way unless something or Someone acts upon them to change their direction.”
Now she was getting frustrated. She had come to ask what he meant by everything, and now she was somehow getting some weird physics lesson. “I don’t see how…?”
However, he put up his hands. “I am getting to your question, I promise.” He nodded for her ascent to continue, and seeing no way to discontinue the discussion now, she nodded back. “Good,” he said. “Now if two objects cannot be in the same space at the same time, and physical laws often teach us about spiritual phenomenon, does it not seem at least possible that two things cannot be our everything at the same time? Two things cannot hold the center of your heart simultaneously?”
Thinking through that, she nodded.
“Okay. Good. That means if two things cannot hold the center of your heart, then something has to take second place at very least. Something has to move or be moved. Something has to be sacrificed.”
Her head was starting to hurt, and she wished she hadn’t been dumb enough to ask the question.
“If all of that is true, then the next question is, ‘What is to be sacrificed so that something else can be the only thing in the center of your heart?’ If you do not answer this question, what happens is, the center of your heart is forever out of balance and unstable because whatever is there is about to be knocked out by whatever else is trying to be there. It’s like a cosmic ping-pong match where nobody wins. That’s why it’s vital that we settle for ourselves and in ourselves what is at the center of our heart, what is next in line, and next and next…. And outward from the center.”
“But you said we have to sell everything to get it? Doesn’t that mean you only get one thing?”
“No. That helps you define what’s in the center. The pearl of great price is what you would literally sacrifice everything else to get or to have. It helps us answer the question, ‘What is at the center of your heart?’ Now, for me, that thing is God because I have learned the hard way that when I put anything else in the very center, everything else falls apart.” He put his hands one way. “I’m going for money and then spending that money to buy a car.” He put his hands the other way. “Then I have to get more money to buy a house. Then I need to throw a party to impress my friends, but I have no furniture, so I have to get that first. Do you see how when all these other things are at the center, you are never settled? You are never at peace and rest because what’s at the center changes based on new ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ that last for a moment or two and are then replaced by something else entirely?”
“But isn’t money important?”
“I don’t know, is it?”
Her thoughts jammed into one another, piling up with everything she’d ever been told and believed. “Well, of course it is. Without it, you have no status at all. Nothing.”
“And what of your family? Are they important?”
That deflated her an inch. “Well, yes, of course they are. That’s why I’m working so hard, to provide for them.”
He nodded, letting her think through that.
“If I didn’t go out and work, we would have nothing, we’d be dirt poor, scraping by.” The defensiveness was starting again. She could feel it crawling up her throat. “They should be grateful for how hard I work for them.”
“I’m sure they are,” he said gently and paused. “So, which is it then? What is at the center of your heart? What is the thing that you would sell everything else to get? The thing you are already selling everything else to get? Because you see, this is not a theoretical discussion. You already are making this choice. You already are sacrificing something in order that something else can hold the center. So what are you sacrificing, and what holds the center?”
Anger shot up into her chest, screeching, clawing, shredding to find a way out. “I’ll have you know I have worked very hard to have it all.”
He nodded, his gaze becoming even gentler. “Yes, but all cannot hold the center. Two things cannot…”
Jumping out of the chair, she went one way two steps and turned the other like a caged animal. “You’re telling me I have to choose.”
“No. I’m telling you that you already are choosing. You’re asking me if you’re making the right choice. I cannot know that for you. I cannot judge your right choice. But I will tell you, if you are not at peace, then the choice you are making is not the right one.”
“Then what?” She spun on him and threw her hands in the air. “I just give up my job? Is that what you want to hear? I can’t. Don’t you see that? I can’t give up this job. We’ve built our life on me working, on me bringing in what I bring in. If I quit, where would that leave us?”
“The sacrifice is always great. That’s why they call it a sacrifice.” He watched her for a moment. “Let me say it this way. To have one, you will have to sacrifice the other. In fact, to have one you already are sacrificing the other. So to have the money you so clearly desire, you are choosing to sacrifice time and attention to your family. You can also choose to give time and attention to your family, but you will have to sacrifice making and having the money and perhaps even your job.” He let out a breath. “I know, this is a very difficult choice for you to make. I can see that in the consternation you are clearly under. So may I make this suggestion?
“God is very, very good at helping us discern what our pearl of great price really is, so may I suggest that you spend some time in prayer and ask Him what yours really is? I’m not asking you to make a choice, mind you. I’m asking that you first understand that there is a choice to make and to ask for God’s help in making it. Because remember, He’s already made His choice in the matter. He chose you as His pearl of great price, and He sold everything, sacrificed everything in order to redeem your soul just in case you decided the same thing about Him. But all of these are the choices life lays before us. God gave us free will so that we could choose. Once you do, and you get the center settled on the thing that is really the most important to you, you then know what it is you’re willing to sacrifice and just what that sacrifice will require.”
Chapter 24
“Good morning,” Pastor Steve said to the congregation, and Eric smiled as he answered with the others.
“Good morning.”
“Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God.” The pastor slowed the phrase way down, seemingly inviting them all to slow down as well.
Eric took a breath, his arm
around Jaden, and he closed his eyes and a smile came unbidden.
“That’s right,” the pastor said. “Take a breath. That verse deserves a breath, doesn’t it? In our frantic and hurried lives, we rush and rush. Running here to this meeting and there to finish that project. We get so scattered and so crazy that the busyness completely takes over everything—even our sanity. And God has to remind us again, ‘Be still.’” He paused and looked out at all of them. “And know.” His gaze went the other way. “That I am God.
“When you couple this verse with the first of the commandments that says put nothing else other than God in first place. That God is the only God and nothing else should be put in that place, that anything else you put in that place becomes an idol for you, and it’s a false idol, an idol that will take you away from the narrow path and off into the weeds and the briars and the brambles… You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”
For Eric, he’d had plenty of time with the briars and the brambles the day before. He had no idea there could be so many thistles and thorns in one small piece of property, but he’d gotten intimately acquainted with each and every one of them.
“When you’re off in the weeds, away from the path, don’t you know it? Can’t you feel it? You’re walking around going, ‘Why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall, and it’s not moving?’ Right? Do you ever get like that?”
Eric nodded before realizing how close to the front he was and that others probably saw him agreeing so vehemently.
“I know. So do I. And what I’ve found, is when I get like that, it means I’m off in the weeds. I’ve come off the narrow Way and I’m walking around usually on my own power, trying to figure out why I’m so not at peace, why I’m so unsettled. I have found when I get like that, the antidote to it is this verse. Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God. Sometimes I say it this way. Be still and remember I am God.
Raising Attabury: A Contemporary Christian Epic-Novel (The Grace Series Book 5) Page 35