Lisa blinked the tears again, afraid she wasn’t going to win that fight.
“Joey, you can go to the creek another day. We need to get inside right now.”
“No!”
Lisa gave a small hiccup and the tears flowed.
Joey’s eyes opened wide.
“Mommy?” he asked, scared.
“Let’s get inside,” she said, brushing at her damp cheeks.
He let her unfasten the seat belt and climbed down without help. In less than a minute they were inside. Lisa locked the door, as if someone would come charging in after her.
A sob burst forth. That was dream stuff. Sam hadn’t come after her before, she would be an idiot to think he’d come now. Especially when he was having a baby with someone else.
“Mommy, are you hurted?” Joey asked, patting her leg, looking worried.
“Oh, Joey,” she knelt, and scooped him into her arms, breathing in the little boy scent of him, burying her face against his hair and letting the tears fall. He stayed still for a few minutes, then grew restless.
“Sorry, sweetie pie,” she said, falling back to sit on the floor, leaning against the door. Burying her face in her hands, she let the tears fall.
The phone rang.
Lisa ignored it.
“Mommy, the phone is ringing,” Joey said. “Should I answer it?”
She shook her head. She couldn’t talk to anyone now. Maybe never. Secretly, somewhere deep in the recesses of her heart, she’d always thought she and Sam would get back together. Hadn’t that been the real reason she’d returned to Texas. Meeting at the Fort Worth stock sale had just sped up the process.
Now she wished she’d never left Denver. Loneliness and hope offered more than reality.
Joey patted her shoulder. “Don’t cry, Mommy,” he said.
She dashed away the tears and tried to smile at him. “I’ll be okay. Why don’t you go in your room and play with your cowboys? I’ll go wash my face.” Biting her lip, she tried to control the sobs and succeeded until he was out of the room.
Wearily pushing herself to her feet, she went into the bathroom and ran cool water. Soaking a cloth, she pressed it against her eyes, letting the hot tears continue. She’d cried for weeks after leaving Sam. But that pain couldn’t compare with this.
The phone rang again. She ignored it. Returning to Tumbleweed had been a mistake. Not as big a mistake as making love with Sam this past week. She groaned when she realized what a easy mark she’d been.
Let’s have a talk, clear the past. How dumb. He had no intention of clearing the past to make a future with her. Why hadn’t he just told her so?
If she lived to be a hundred, she’d never understand the man!
Lisa rinsed the wash cloth again and went to lie down in her bed. She never wanted to face anyone again.
***
By mid afternoon, she’d regained some of her equilibrium. She’d fed Joey lunch and talked him into taking a nap. She lay down beside him and told a story until he fell asleep. Closing her own eyes, she wished she could find oblivion in sleep. But she kept seeing Margot Pendarvis and hearing Sam tell her over and over that Margot was the mother of his unborn child.
She would have liked to have another child with Sam. She had thought once that she would be the mother of all his children. The knowledge that she wasn’t and never would be, cut deep. When the tears came again, she slipped from Joey’s side and went back to her own room.
***
By Sunday evening , Lisa was exhausted. She’d taken Joey into Dallas that day to a park to let him run off his excess energy. He’d constantly whined about wanting to go to the creek. She’d told him he would some day soon. Sam was still his father and still would have to see him.
But the way she felt right now, she didn’t want to ever see Sam again.
Yet the mere thought made her stomach churn. Never to see his eyes crinkle in laughter? Never to hear that sexy voice talking to her quietly in the night? Never to feel those strong arms around her, or hear his views things.
She didn’t think she could bear it.
Joey was asleep. Lisa sat on the sofa, gazing off into the dark. She was too tired to even get up to go to bed. Maybe if she sat a little longer
The knock on the door startled her. After a moment it was repeated, harder this time.
Crossing to the door, she looked through the peephole. Nick.
Leaning her head against the wood, she wondered if she was up to this?
“Lisa, open up.” He pounded on the door again.
Afraid he’d wake Joey, not to mention annoy the neighbors, she unfastened the bolt and opened the door.
He looked at her in disgust. “You look like hell,” he said, stepping in beside her, and flipping on the lights.
“Come in, why don’t you?” she said closing the door behind him.
Turning in the center of the living room, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her.
“Want to tell me what the hell is going on?” he asked.
“Why don’t you ask Sam?”
“Sam looks worse than you do. He says you met Margot.”
“The mother of his unborn child?” she snapped.
“So, what do you care? You left him! You had your chance and you threw it away. What’s it to you if he tries to find some happiness with someone else?” His eyes narrowed as he waited for her response.
Lisa swallowed. Put that way, she had no cause for feeling the way she did.
But it wasn’t that way.
“He could have told me.”
Nick shrugged. “He would have eventually, a kid’s a hard thing to hide.”
“Is he marrying Margot?”
Nick shook his head. “I’m sure he asked her. But she has other things she wants to do in life. It was all he could do to convince her to carry the baby to term and let him have it.”
“Let him have it?”
“Sam plans to raise the child. Margot doesn’t want anything to do with it once it’s born.”
Lisa blinked. How could anyone not want a baby? Sam’s baby?
“I didn’t know.” She walked to the sofa, sitting on the edge as her knees threatened to give way.
“Yeah, well you might have learned something if you’d answered your phone, or come to the door today.”
She looked up. “We were in Dallas today.”
“Sam tried to call you a dozen times yesterday. With Jennifer gone, and you not answering, he drove into town just to make sure you got home safely. He was worried about you.”
“Why? I’m sure he has other things to worry about, like Margot.”
“Margot’s doing fine.” Nick unfolded his hands and tipped his Stetson back on his head. He sat on the chair near the sofa and stretched out his long legs. Lisa’s heart skipped a beat he reminded her so much of Sam.
Looking at her, he tilted his head slightly. “So, tell me Lisa. What did you expect Sam to do, carry the torch for you the rest of his life?”
“I don’t care what he does.”
“That’s obvious. You left him, remember?”
“He drove me away!”
Nick looked at the ceiling for a minutes. “Actually, I think we drove him into acting like a wild man.” He met her gaze. “I did it to get a rise out of him, why did you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Every time things didn’t go your way, you hightailed it to my place to dump on me. Sam found you there time after time. I should have barred the door. But I let you come in--it was fun to watch him get jealous. At least at first. But by the time I realized what was happening, you two had split. I have to take part of the blame.”
Lisa sighed, looking down at her hands. “It was my fault. Marriage didn’t turn out to be exactly what I thought it would. Before we knew it, we had a baby on the way, and then I was confined to the house to take care of Joey. I thought marriage would be glamor and fun, and it turned out to be work.”
“So you le
ft.”
She nodded. “I shouldn’t have. My only explanation now is that I was too young to realize what I had. And to know how to hold on to it.” Tears threatened again. She’d done this. There was no one else to blame.
“Sam was devastated when you left especially when you moved so far away. Maybe he could have handled it better if you’d stayed in town. At least he could have seen you, seen Joey. But to go so far and allow him to see Joey only a couple of times a year, that was hard, Lisa.”
She nodded. It had been hard for her, too.
“He about went crazy when he realized you weren’t coming back.” Nick rubbed his jaw. “We got into one hellacious fight.”
She looked up at that. “I didn’t know.”
Shrugging, he shook his head. “No reason you should have. Sam went wild, working hours that would have killed another man trying to get exhausted enough to sleep at night. Drinking, carousing. Did you ever take a look at Margot? A good look?”
“I can see she’s pregnant.”
“She looks like you. That’s why he started dating her, because she reminded him of you.”
Lisa stared at Nick, tightening her lips. After a moment, she asked, “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to talk to you. Maybe make you see things from someone else’s point of view. You sure turned out to be different from the way I thought about you in high school.”
“We aren’t in high school any longer.”
“No, and from the mess you and Sam have made of things, I’m glad we stopped seeing each other a long time ago.”
Lisa looked away so he couldn’t see the hurt his words caused.
He rose. “Don’t know if it did any good for you, but it helped me get it off my chest. Cut him some slack, Lisa. He loves Joey and wants to see him. I’d say he’s crazy about you, though why he would be after the way you’ve treated him is beyond me. But remember this--when he was dating Margot, he was free and single. He’d been dumped by the woman he’d chosen to be his wife. He had no ties to you, no loyalties, nothing. It’s too bad about what happened, but he’ll love that new baby as much as he loves Joey. And the kid will have a great home. If you two have something going, then it’ll be up to you to get beyond this.”
“It’s not something to get beyond.” Lisa said through stiff lips.
“If you met a man for the first time today and knew he had two kids, what would you do cut yourself off from any relationship because he had a past?” He crossed the room, and opened the door.
Glancing at her, he said, “This is Sam’s week with Joey. I’ll be picking him up in the morning.”
With that he stepped outside and closed the door.
Lisa didn’t move. The final click sounded loud in the silence.
***
Monday, Lisa bid Joey goodbye when Nick came to pick him up. The little boy was delighted to be going to the ranch. Lisa wished she could keep him home, but the precedence had been set. He spent every other week with his father.
And soon a new brother or sister.
She tried to ignore the thought, but it persisted. Driving to the Taylor ranch, she mentally listed all the tasks awaiting her, focusing on something else beside Sam Haller and the revelation she’d learned of on Saturday.
***
Joey scrambled out of the truck, running toward his father. “Daddy! Can we go to the creek today?” He flung himself around Sam’s legs, looking up beseechingly.
Sam ruffled his hair and shook his head. “Not today, partner. I’ve got work to do.”
“When?”
“Soon.” He looked up as Nick ambled over. “Did you see her?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. Took Joey to Dallas yesterday.”
Sam nodded, and turned back to the boy. “Want to help Jose with the leather today?”
“I want to go to the creek.”
“Another time. Work first.”
“You sound like Dad,” Nick commented as he walked with the two of them toward the barn.
“Jeez, hit a man when he’s down.”
“The old man wasn’t all bad, you know.”
“So you say.”
Nick paused by the stall containing his horse. “If it helps any she looked like hell, her eyes all puffy and red.”
Sam barely paused in his stride, the slight hitch the only sign he gave that he’d heard.
Lisa had been crying. He was the cause. He had known all along her finding out about Margot would change things. And the way she’d discovered it couldn’t have been worse. Why hadn’t he told her when she’d first moved back?
Because of her reaction.
He’d known how she’d take it. And he’d wanted those few weeks with her.
Last week with her.
For a few days, he’d thought he might have a future with her again.
“Daddy, when can we go to the creek?” Joey asked.
“Maybe we’ll swing by tomorrow on the way out to check that part of the ranch, want to do that?”
“And go swimming?”
“We’ll see,” Sam said absently, remembering the aborted picnic. They’d all had on suits, planned a fun day by the creek until Margot had arrived.
“Stay with Jose, now, and help him out, okay, partner?” Sam said when they reached the tack room.
“Okay. Hi Jose, we’re going to the creek tomorrow.”
“So? Going to catch some fish?”
Joey looked up at Sam. “There’re fish in the creek?”
“Not where we swim. Maybe when you’re older, we’ll see if we can catch some.”
Joey smiled happily and went to stand by the old cowboy.
Sam spun around and headed for the million and one tasks that never ended on a ranch. Once again he was plunging into work to try to keep the truth at bay.
Was there anything he could say to Lisa to have her listen to him? Have her understand?
And what? Ask her to take on another woman’s child?
She seemed content with her life the way it was. He’d have to get used to that.
***
The day seem to drag by for Lisa. Bill asked her twice if she felt all right. Smiling brightly both times, she assured him she was. The last thing she needed was to go back to that empty apartment a moment before she had to. She missed Joey. Just Joey.
But she couldn’t stay away forever. Once home, she changed into shorts, fixed herself some comfort food and went to lie down. She didn’t sleep, but dozed off and on, and thought about Sam and Margot, and the mess she’d made of all their lives.
She wished she could have had some of the knowledge she’d acquired over the last two years back when she first got married. Nick was right. She had thrown away the best relationship she’d probably ever have.
She’d released Sam from any and all commitment with the divorce. He had been free to see whomever he pleased.
The knowledge hurt. She’d childishly wanted him to come after her, demand she return home. How juvenile could she be. He’d treated her as an adult respecting her wishes.
Only they hadn’t really been her wishes.
Now what was she going to do about it?
***
Wednesday, Lisa called the ranch to talk to Joey. Her voice was cool and distant when she requested to speak with her son. She did not want to talk to Sam.
When she hung up some time later, she was only marginally happier having spoken with her son. She’d thought Sam might say something at least offer an explanation or ask to see her.
Not that anything he could say would help. Nick had pleaded his case adequately. It changed nothing.
Restless and a bit lonely, she left the apartment and went to sit on the porch. A couple walked hand in hand on the sidewalk, waving as they passed the house. Lisa smiled and waved back. From the distance, they’d never know the effort it took to smile.
She rocked a while, letting the quiet night sooth her. Crickets sounded in the heat, and she tried to remember how to figure out how hot it wa
s by their cadence. But it had been so long ago when she’d known that and other things pressed in on her now.
A familiar truck pulled up and stopped. Lisa watched as Nick climbed out and went around to let Jennifer out. They laughed as something and headed up the walkway.
“Oh, Lisa.” Jennifer said when she spotted Lisa on the porch.
“Good evening,” she said, feeling awkward around Nick. Once they’d been best friends, girl-friend and boy-friend. Even after they had gone in other directions, they’d stayed friends. Now she only felt embarrassed to be around him. His words echoed.
Jennifer turned to Nick and murmured something, then kissed him.
“See you tomorrow,” he said easily. Turning, he headed back to the truck without a word to Lisa.
Jennifer came up and sat in a rocker beside Lisa.
“Isn’t this weather gorgeous? Warm in the day, but so pleasant in the evenings. I want Nick to get some rockers so we can sit out on nights like this.”
Lisa smiled, amused for the first time in what seemed like ages. “I can’t see Nick sitting out on a porch at least not before he’s seventy.”
Jennifer laughed. “I know, but I keep asking. Sometimes just by plugging away at something, you can get what you want.”
“But not always,” Lisa murmured.
“I’m sorry about you and Sam,” she said after a minute.
Lisa tensed. She didn’t want to discuss the situation with anyone especially someone she hardly knew.
“I know, it’s not any of my business. But Sam’s going to be my brother-in-law soon, and I like him a lot. I think he’s gotten a rotten deal.”
“Because of me,” Lisa said.
“Yes, if you want me to be honest. What do you want, Lisa?”
Lisa looked at her in the dark. “Doesn’t everyone want to be happy?”
“And how will you accomplish that? By blaming him for being human? You left. He tried to find happiness with you gone.”
“I wish him well, then, with Margot.”
“I don’t think so,” Jennifer said. “I think you want Sam for yourself.”
Lisa looked out across the street, wishing she’d stayed inside. She didn’t need this. The ache in her heart hasn’t ease a bit since Saturday.
“We don’t always get what we want.”
Crazy About a Cowboy Page 15