Jennifer reached out and patted her hand. “I know. But sometimes we can if we don’t give up. I bet I have my rocking chairs by next summer. I bet you could have Sam this summer if you’d forgive and let him know how you feel. He’s crazy about you, always has been from what I hear.”
“I want love,” Lisa said stubbornly. She looked at Jennifer. “I’ve thought a lot about it over the last week or so. I don’t ever remember him saying he loved me. He did say he was crazy about me. What does that mean?”
“Did you ever ask him? You know guys have a hard time sometimes saying what they mean. And from what Nick says, there wasn’t a lot of love going around out there when their father was alive. Maybe Sam doesn’t know how to say it. Or maybe he doesn’t even recognize it when he’s knee deep in love. Give him a chance, Lisa. Don’t let pride and hurt feelings prevent you from having what you want in life.”
“So what do you suggest I do, ride out there and tell Sam it doesn’t matter that he made a baby with someone else, that I want to try marriage again?” Lisa asked hotly.
“Only if that’s what you want,” Jennifer said softly. “But if you’re sitting here thinking he’s going to ride up one day on a white charger and sweep you off your feet, you’ll be an old lady before you realize it’ll never happen. That man’s been knocked down more than he can get up, I’m thinking.”
“I’m not the one who had him sleeping with Margot.”
“No?” Jennifer asked gently.
Chapter Twelve
Sam tucked Joey into bed, listening as he chattered about his mother. He’d left the room after giving Joey the phone that evening. Lisa had obviously not wished to talk to him.
After Joey was asleep, he debated calling her, but didn’t have a clue what he’d say. As far as she was concerned, his betrayal with another woman was the final straw. And he had no doubt she saw it as a betrayal.
Wouldn’t you have? a voice inside asked. What if Lisa had become pregnant with another man’s baby. The thought burned in his gut. He would have hated it. Could he have gotten past it to see what they could make together? He didn’t know.
The admission eased some of his anger at her. In her situation, he’d probably react the same. Talking about it wouldn’t change anything.
There was nothing left to do but go on. Nothing had changed. They were divorced. And he was about to become a father again.
***
Sunday morning, Lisa dressed for church in a pale blue skirt and white eyelet top. It was growing hotter every day. Before long summer would arrive full blast.
She missed Joey. Jennifer had come down Friday night to say Sam and Joey were joining her at a horse show in which she was participating. Joey wanted to see her ride. It meant a day’s delay in Joey’s returning home, but Lisa wouldn’t deprive him of the event.
Jennifer had invited Lisa as well, but she’d quickly turned her down.
Sam had not phoned to say when to expect them. She’d called her mother and arranged to join her parents at the church and then go back with them for lunch. Leaving a note on the door for Sam, she walked to the church she’d attended all her life.
The large interior was cool and crowded with friends and neighbors. She spoke with several as she made her way up the aisle to where her parents were already seated.
“Where’s Joey?” her mother asked when Lisa slipped in beside her.
“Still at Sam’s. He’s coming home later today.”
“In time to join us for lunch?”
Lisa started to shake her head when she heard, “Hi, Mommy.”
Joey ran between the pews and sat beside her with a bounce, beaming up at her. “We surprised you.”
Lisa looked up into Sam’s hard stare. Her breath caught. He wore a sports jacket and bolo tie with a western stitched white shirt. The slacks were a change from jeans. His boots had a high polish. He held his hat in one hand.
“Lisa,” he said as greeting, sitting beside Joey.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered.
“I brought my son to church. Do you have a problem with that?”
She stared at him, feeling the churning emotions that had never eased all week threaten to overwhelm her. She wanted to reach out and touch him, make some connection. Conversely, she wanted him to leave and never come around her again.
Her mother leaned over. “Hi, Joey, Sam. Glad you could make it. We’re all going back to our place afterward for lunch, join us?”
“Mother!” Lisa hadn’t told her mother about Sam and Margot. But she couldn’t stand the normalcy of everything. Her world had tilted when she’d learned the news.
Sam shook his head, his gaze holding Lisa’s. “Joey would like it, I’m sure. But I need to talk to Lisa. If you wouldn’t mind taking him, that would give us some time alone.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” Lisa said.
“Tough. We need to talk and we will.”
She blinked and looked to the front of the church. Somehow the emotions that bubbled weren’t conducive to peace on earth good will toward men. Especially the man next to her.
The sermon seemed interminable. Normally she enjoyed the minister’s lesson, today she was too conscious of Sam sitting only a few feet away. Of the revelation of last Saturday. Of the aching hurt that wouldn’t fade.
Joey squirmed impatiently a time or two. She was annoyed to find that Sam’s merely touching him gently on the shoulder was enough to settle him down.
Finally it was over.
“If you change your mind, come over,” Margaret said to Sam, holding Joey by the hand. She glanced at Lisa and back to Sam.
“I hope your discussion is fruitful.”
Lisa’s dad shook hands with Sam and followed after his wife and grandchild.
Sam took Lisa’s arm in a firm grip.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Lisa said in a low voice as they joined the crowd making its way down the aisle to the back of the church. She would not draw attention to them by trying to tug her arm free.
Not that she’d need to. People were already noticing, and whispering. She could just imagine what they were saying. Color flooded her cheeks.
“I have plenty to say to you. And I’m sure you must have a question or two.” Sam seemed oblivious to others in the church. His attention was solely on Lisa.
“I think you said it all last Saturday.”
Sam didn’t reply. The tightening of his hand was the only indication he gave that he even heard her.
Walking out into the bright sunshine, Lisa wished she had brought a hat or something to shade her face. Or dark glasses to shield herself from Sam’s gaze. Instead, she felt as if she were in a spotlight.
“Where did you want to have this talk?” she asked, stopping to one side on the crowded walkway.
“Some neutral place.”
“Right here?”
“I think this might take longer than you think.”
“We really have nothing to talk about.” She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to scurry home and shut the door on the world.
He turned to face her, blocking her from the crowd dispersing behind him.
“I want you to marry me, Lisa.”
“What?”
His sardonic smile mocked. “I thought that would get your attention.”
“Is that a joke?” she asked suspiciously.
The smile faded. “No. I’m deadly serious. I think we should get married again.”
“No.” She looked away, afraid of what he might see if she didn’t.
“Don’t dismiss the idea out of hand.”
“Are you crazy? You sleep with some other woman, make a baby and then want me to marry you?”
He took a deep breath. “I knew this wouldn’t be easy.”
“Easy, nothing. It’s dumb, stupid, ludicrous. I wouldn’t marry you if--”
He put a finger over her lips. “Don’t say it. Don’t say anything. I want to talk to you and you’re going t
o listen if I have to hog tie you to do it.”
She opened her mouth to refute his assertion, then snapped it shut. Maybe she would listen to him. Just to hear what he had to say. To see if it would ease the ache in her heart at all.
“Okay.”
He headed for his truck, parked up the block. The pounding of her heart was because of the heat, she decided as she hurried to keep pace beside him. Not in reaction to his touch, to the feel of his fingers on her skin. The tingling was an interruption in her blood circulation, not awareness, not a joyful delight in his touch.
He drove to the park in the center of town. There were benches scattered beneath the tall century old oak trees, affording shade and some privacy as they were spaced wide enough apart conversations couldn’t be overheard. Sam chose the one farthest from the playground area. Sitting down, he half turned to look at Lisa.
She sat and stared ahead, refusing to meet his eyes. Making her displeasure as clear as she was able.
“I think getting married would be perfect,” he began.
That caused her to swivel around and glare at him. “I don’t see it that way.”
“Why not? Are you going to tell me those nights in Houston meant nothing?”
“Not in comparison with your nights with Margot.”
“I know you’re upset about that. It’s not exactly what I had hoped for, either.”
“If you want a wife, why not ask her?”
He hesitated a moment.
Lisa closed her eyes and sighed. Obviously he already had. Margot must have turned him down.
Opening them again, she hoped the tears she felt welling wouldn’t fall. He had asked another woman to marry him. To share his life.
“I didn’t even date in the last two years,” she said softly.
“And I went on a bunch of dates trying to get you out of my mind. Including a whole series with Margot. Your leaving left a big hole in my life. I was trying to fill it up. Nothing worked.”
Lisa felt the familiar guilt mixed with sorrow.
“We should have worked harder on our marriage when we had the chance,” she said.
“Yes.”
She waited, but he assigned no blame.
“I should have,” she said.
He shrugged. “It takes two. The way I see it, we’ve learned from our mistakes. We wouldn’t make them again.”
“I don’t think I could ever marry you again, Sam.”
“Because of Margot?”
She nodded. “I’m really hurt. Not that you dated. Not even that you slept with someone else. You were free to do whatever you wanted. But that you made a baby...”
“I can’t change that, Lisa. And if you can’t live with it, you can’t. The child is mine. Margot doesn’t want anything to do with it once it’s born. So we come as a packaged deal. You’re right. I was free to do whatever I wanted.”
He paused a moment, as if marshaling his thoughts. “I might not have ever thought you and I would have a chance again, but seeing you in Fort Worth, and then our spending time together we’ve got something, sweetheart. You can’t deny the feelings that sizzle between us.”
“Sex isn’t everything.”
“It isn’t only sex and you know it.”
Lisa refused to admit to that.
“And you’re a wonderful mother. Look at how well you’re bringing up Joey. You love kids, I bet this baby would wrap itself right around your heart.”
“You ask too much.”
He sat back on the bench and stretched his long legs out in front of him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Maybe I do. I want you back, Lisa. I’d give you anything I have.”
The tears eased over her lids, slid down her cheeks. The lump in her throat was impossible to swallow. It was too late.
“I guess I thought it was fate when I saw you again in Fort Worth. Maybe it was capricious and mean. I thought I had put you behind me. That I could go on fine the way I was. One glimpse of you and I knew I’d been kidding myself.”
She reached out, hesitating just before touching him. Clenching her hand into a fist, she let it fall in her lap. “I can’t do it, Sam. I’m sorry about everything. The divorce was my fault and I’d change it if I could. But you are asking too much of me.”
And nowhere had he mentioned love. What kind of marriage would it be without that primary ingredient?
He looked up at the branches of the trees. The silence was punctuated by the distant shouts and laughter of children playing on the swings and slides of the playground. A soft breeze ruffled the leaves, soughing through the branches.
“Want to hear about Margot?”
Lisa lifted a shoulder half-halfheartedly. “I guess.” Might as well know it all.
“I started dating her last fall.” He threw her a quick glance. “She reminded me of you a little.”
“Nick said that.”
“You and Nick are speaking now?”
“He came by to lecture me, if you call that speaking.”
“Interesting. Do any good?”
She shook her head. “Go on.”
“Margot isn’t you. She looks a little like you with that auburn-brownish hair and blue eyes. And she has a fun sense of adventure. It wasn’t meant to be. She doesn’t like ranching or horses or anything to do with cattle. So for an occasional date, we did fine. When I tested the waters for something more, she backed off quickly enough.”
He’d been searching for a replacement wife.
What did she expect, that he’d remain celibate the rest of his life? Sam was young and virile and deserved to have a full, rich life. Had she truly expected him to martyr himself because of her?
Childishly, she rather thought she had.
“An occasional date doesn’t end up pregnant.”
“We went to a Thanksgiving Day party with a bunch of married friends. Everyone was talking about family and traditions and I had asked you if Joey could come for the weekend and you’d said no. I was mad and lonely and--” He took off his hat and rubbed his fingers through his hair, resettling the Stetson.
“I got drunk, Margot got drunk and the next thing I knew two months later she’s telling me we’re parents-to-be and she wants nothing to do with the baby.”
“Hard to walk away from,” Lisa murmured dryly.
Sam nodded, his eyes dark as he gazed into hers. “She agreed to have the child when I said I’d take care of all expenses and raise it myself.”
Lisa swallowed hard. Would things have been different if she’d come home last Thanksgiving? Her parents had urged her to bring Joey to share a family celebration. She’d stubbornly refused.
“That baby will need a mother, Lisa. Think about it, won’t you? I’m still crazy about you.”
“You want a mother for your new baby.”
“And a mother for Joey. And a family. You know I didn’t have much growing up. Wouldn’t you like for our son to have a mother and father living together? He’ll have a little brother or sister soon. Wouldn’t it be better for them to grow up together? Making memories, setting traditions?”
It was what she’d wanted. Could she take it without love? Find it in her heart to love a child that wasn’t her own?
But was Sam’s.
The hurt threatened to drown her.
“Just think about it, Lisa. Will you?”
“It’ll be hard to not think about it,” she said with some asperity. She’d done nothing all week except think about Sam and Margot and Joey. And the new baby.
And lie in bed nights remembering Houston, and all the other nights they’d shared together. Longing for that closeness, that feeling of connectedness, of belonging. Could she marry for that? Would it be enough for the long years ahead?
“Come on, I’ll take you to your parents. Unless you want to stop somewhere for lunch?”
She shook her head.
“You might still be in time for dessert at your folks.”
The short drive was accomplished in silence. Sam pu
lled to a stop in front of the Ballentine’s house and looked at her.
“Can I see you this week?”
“I don’t think so,” Lisa said, fiddling with the shoulder strap of her bag.
Just then her mother ran out of the house and up to the car, her eyes worried.
Lisa opened the door. “Mom?”
“Do you have Joey?” she asked in agitation.
Lisa’s heart skipped a beat. “Joey? He went home with you and Dad.”
“He’s gone. Your father's out looking for him, as well as the neighbors. I hoped maybe you’d found him.” She looked frantically around. “I don’t know where he went. Or why.”
Sam got out of the truck and came around to Margaret. Gently taking her shoulders he turned her to face him.
“Tell us what you do know,” he said firmly. Lisa bumped his arm trying to get closer.
“When did he leave, Mom?”
“We got home from church and he changed into shorts. Then he asked to go to the creek. We said no, we had to eat lunch. I was in the kitchen preparing the meal and your father was on the front porch reading the paper. You know how he likes to do that in the nice weather. We thought Joey was playing in his room. When I called him for lunch, he wasn’t there. We searched everywhere. I don’t think he’s hiding, I think he’s gone off.”
“To the creek,” Sam said, looking down the street.
“He couldn’t do that. The creek's on the ranch property, miles from here,” Lisa said. Panic threatened. She had to do something. Her little boy was missing! Wandering who knew where!
“A kid wouldn’t have any concept of distance.”
“We’ve got to find him!”
“We will, honey. We will. Margaret, which direction did George take?”
“He and Ben Lattimore went that way,” she pointed down the street. “Bud Hazelwood and Thomas Ayers went that way.” She pointed in the opposite direction. “I’m so sorry. I never would have left him alone for a second if I’d thought he’d do something like this.”
“It’s not your fault, Mom,” Lisa said, impatient to be off. “Joey should know better. He’s probably feeling a lot more adventuresome now after spending so much time on the ranch.”
“Lisa, stay with your mom. I’ll have a look and see what I can find. There’s no way he could get through the back yard, is there? I could try that direction, rather than just follow where the others are searching.”
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