Hot & Cold: Toxic Love

by Jessica E. Kirby

  "I assume the walls are soundproof?" Head HE asks.

  "I made this entire place with my bare hands, except the table. Between the drywall and concrete, soundproof egg cartons, and soundproof foam, I’m very certain. The same things they use to sound block booths in music studios."

  "Very good," I take a seat in the middle of the long table, as does Trevor in front of me. "I have called you here Ward, because I understand that you have utterly failed the task I've given you," I look down in shame, "And for a good reason," I look up. "You've fallen in love with the poor thing. This sort of thing has happened so many times, and I’m sick of it. She has been through so much. I've known her since she was just a little girl. That's when I found out that her father's family harbored millions of dollars from this brotherhood. See, my father was Head HE before I was. I was the one who gave her father a home and a life outside of this brotherhood. I allowed him pardon from us, and to live peacefully. Only because Hayden’s father saved my life on a task. I, in turn, gave them a full pardon, and Hayden was a gift for the couple. Her father was an orphan, just like all of you. I found him in a foster home. Then he met her mother on a task, just as you've met Hayden. Her father became aware that we knew he had our money, they went into hiding. Changed their last names, even changed Hayden's birthday. When we realized that they would do anything for Hayden, we backed off. We granted them their wishes until we could find another way. I realize the girl is innocent, and she cannot and must not me harmed. My father's last words to me were a promise for me to keep. I have to restore the money to the brotherhood. I decided long ago that no physical harm was to come to Hayden, and was reminded of my task every time I looked into that girl's eyes. We even faked and forged paperwork from the government to tell his family he died in honor in the army. It was his cover up after all for being away from his family for long periods of time. That's why I refused to take her in after her mom died. I arranged for her to come to a place where the youngest of the brotherhood was, you. I knew she'd be somewhat safe, but I also knew that I must keep my promise. I knew you'd get information without hurting her. But you have, repeatedly. Then I find out that you have made absolutely no attempt whatsoever to find the information we need. I guess it's kind of hard to ask such a personal question without explaining why or how you know it, and to give away the secrets of the brotherhood would be unthinkable. That's why I've devised a new plan. A plan with two choices for you to decide which path to take. I don't want my father's mistake to be mine too."

  "Yes, HE?"

  "One choice is to stay away from her, and forever be a part of a brotherhood that has helped you. No more selling drugs and no more meaningless tasks. If you choose this path, you can join me, and I will find you a new home far away from here. You will never have to work a day for the rest of your life and will live happily ever after. Trevor will finish what he's been tasked to do without you, no harm will come to Hayden. She won't even know we've done anything wrong. She will live on without you." He pauses, "I've thought this second choice through. I know you want more than anything to be with her. So, the second choice is kind of complicated. If you choose this, you can be with her. But you will be forever banished and shunned in this brotherhood. No more help will come from us. That includes our gracious financing. Although we will pay what's owed to you if you get her to tell you what she knows about the money, which deal still stands. You will still carry on with your task. Either choice still leads to us getting what's ours. If you fail either task, you will be severely punished. Understood? Choose which you want, and I will explain the details."

  My voice is a whisper, "I choose her. I want to be with her."

  "Alright. I have no harsh feelings, and will miss you terribly once you've succeeded."

  "What if she actually doesn't know anything?" I ask.

  "She does know. When she was a little girl, her father was away, and I talked to her. She told me she had lots of money, and it is hidden. Her father came home before I could get any more information out of her. He never left me with her alone again."

  "Okay. What's your plan?"

  "Tell her everything I've just told you..."

  EIGHTEEN

  I feel myself waking up. I feel his presence in the room. Did I black out? How did I get to a bed? Is this my bed? I feel him inching closer to me, and I am frozen with fear. I feel him hovering over me. My heart races, and I have half a mind to jump up and bolt. My subconscious gives me a opossum’s logic and tells me to stay as still as possible. Play dead. Maybe he'll go away and leave me alone. Instead of a harsh movement, I feel a gentle finger move my hair from my face. I still feel my eyelids clenching together. I feel his lips press against my forehead. A small whisper escapes his throat. A simple, "I love you." And he's gone, after covering me.

  I peek my eyes open, only to reveal an empty room. Was I dreaming? I can't get up. I feel like I can't move. I beckon myself to get up. My vision is blurry, and all I hear is pounding in my ears. The pounding is so loud, it's close to maddening. My blood is coursing through my veins so fast, I feel the pulsing in my wrists. What happened? The last thing I remembered was fearing for my life with Ward in my face. Did he do something to me to make me pass out? Was that because of the drugs? Or was he for real? Did I dream or imagine him kissing my forehead and telling me he loved me? Was that my conscience trying to convince me I shouldn't fear him? I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm going insane with these thoughts.

  My phone is in my hand faster than I can think. For some reason, I dial my old house number.

  It actually rings. I wonder who it belongs to now. When the answering machine turns on, I'm stunned to hear my mother's sweet voice come through my phone. I repeat this process about twenty times. I haven't heard her voice in such a long time.

  I don't realize that I'm crying when Janie comes through the door with bags on her shoulders. "What's wrong?" She says. She drops the bag where she was and rushes over to my bedside.

  "I had a really rough night last night and this morning. For some reason, I called my old number. It still works."

  "Well, someone must have gotten it," She says as she sits beside me.

  "No, listen," I dial the number, and put it on speaker.

  "You have reached the Greene's phone, we are unable to answer your call. Please leave a message, and we'll get back to you as soon as we can."

  "That's your mom?" She asks.

  All I can do is shake my head yes. "I didn't know it was still on."

  "And what do you mean you had a rough night?" She asks.

  "Ward almost overdosed last night, and I stayed with him. I took care of him, and I slept beside him. When he woke up, he was a total and complete asshole to me. I can't believe he would treat me like that after what I did for him. I was so angry, I took that white dress and poured red juice on it in front of him. I threw the water bottle at him and slammed the door. After that, he chased after me and got right in my face. He was yelling so loud. Then I couldn't breathe. I just blacked out. I was so scared, Janie. I thought he was going to kill me."

  "Oh my God, Hayden. You're not staying here alone with him anymore. That's it. That asshole needs an ass whooping! I'm going to find that good for nothin' son of a bitch and give him a piece of my mind!" She gets up, and she's out the door faster than I can run after her. My heavy legs run after her and reach her before she reaches the edge of the staircase.

  "Wait! There's more," I said breathlessly.

  "Hayden, it sounds like he made you have a panic attack, and you could have been seriously hurt!"

  "I know, but when I woke up I felt him kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me."

  "I don't get it," She said with a confused look on her face. She put her hands on her hips, "What's wrong with him? I thought I knew him better than this." She walks back into our room, and takes her white shirt off, and slips on a tank top.

  "Me either, and I don't know what to do. I don't feel safe here anymore, Janie." Tears are falling like
waterfalls from my eyes.

  "Will Trevor let you stay over his house until Gar comes home? She called me and says she and Hannah are staying for three more days."

  "I don't know, I don't think he'll mind. I'll ask him." I feel better when I hear his name.

  "Okay," She stands in front of me and uncrosses my arms. She squeezes my shoulders, "I won't let him hurt you anymore. I'll do what I can do. He needs some kind of therapy or something, I don't know." She wraps her arms around me. We rock back and forth, as we both start crying.

  She holds me back at arm's length and wipes the tears from my face, and I do the same for her. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Janie."

  "I think we're more than friends. You're the only one that's ever been through here that I've protected like a sister."

  This makes me cry even harder. I hug her again, "I miss them so much, Janie. I wish I could see them just one last time. To get to say goodbye."

  "You will one day," She whispers.

  I text Trevor and ask him if I can stay with him for a few days, and he agrees. He doesn't ask questions, which is strange. Janie drives me over to his house.

  He opens the door. Seconds later, a motorcycle whips down the road. "That's strange."

  "What's strange?" He asks, helping me with my bag.

  "I used to know someone who had a bike just like that."

  "Oh, that's weird." I sit on his bed and wait for the questions to start. “Would you like something to eat?"

  I'm taken back a little, "Um, yeah sure."

  "Okay, I have some chicken from dinner."

  "Are you sure you don't mind me staying here?" I ask with my head tilted. "I show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night, and you ask no questions?"

  He looked puzzled like he didn't know what to say, "I didn't think it was my business."

  "We are, you know, kind of seeing each other. That would mean I am your business, right?"

  "I guess you're right, what's wrong Hayden?" He brings me a plate of chicken and a glass of sweet tea.

  I set them on the bed beside me and explain what happened, "and then he just left. I don't feel safe around him alone." I left out the part where he kissed me and said I love you. I don't think I need or want that drama right now.

  "I don't really like the fact that he put his hands on you. I don't care who you are, you never put your hands on a lady. Especially my lady." This makes me smile. I stand up and put my arms around his bare shoulders. "Sorry that I asked you to come over so late. If I knew it was this bad, I would have tried and gotten off of work earlier."

  "Don't worry about it, he hasn't been there since then." I kiss him, "I hope he stays away for good."

  "Me too. That kid needs help."

  I released him with a final peck on the lips. We sat on his bed and talked, watched television on his bed, and ate until the sun came up. We talked about our pasts, what's happening now, and our futures. What we want to do with our lives. The first rays of the sun for the day came peeking through the horizon and flooded the room light. I lay on his bare chest. My left arm is holding my chin up, and making it impenetrable on his skin. He looks down on me, and pulls my other arm up, forcing me on top of him. Should I even be feeling like this after what happened?

  I feel safe right now. I feel complete in this moment. Let's hope this man doesn't break my heart, or even worse; destroy my soul.

  After what seems like hours of just kissing and grinding each other, we are really going at it.

  He twists me on my back and hovers over me. Before anything happens, he looks me in the eyes. His eyes aren't lustful or loving, but saddened and full of an apologetic energy that I can't understand. "What's wrong?" I ask breathlessly.

  "Nothing," He swallows, "I just don't want to hurt you. You've been through so much."

  "Then don't try," I say.

  We don't realize it, but his alarm clock is going off clear across the room. He sits up on the bed, with me still in his arms, and sits me on the counter. Still feverishly kissing me, he turns his alarm off, then stops to make himself a bowl of cereal. We shower together.

  I can barely keep my eyes open as I watch him get dressed. Tugging his orange vest on, slipping on his boots, and kissing me on my head are the last things I remember before falling into a deep, much-needed sleep.

  My mind twirls. I see my mom's face, shaking it side to side. She speeds up, like something from a horror movie. I'm running through her head, and into a world that I've never been. I'm young again, wearing a dress my mother made, with her and my father running merrily behind. I'm laughing as I reach a large lake with a tree. I look into the water and see my face as it is now. I am somehow frightened by it. Two sets of feet come into my view. They're standing on the water. I am restored back to my old self, and they both say, "I love you." These two faces are the two men that currently have my twisted heart, I realize. The one on the left is a man whom I just spent the night with. Charismatic, and charming. I have so much in common with him, and my heart leaps when I see his shining face. The man on my right is a strange man that I cannot control. I can't help but fall into his gaze and see his perfect white teeth glisten as the dark sunshine beats off. A mixture of love and hate. I want to help and love him, yet I fear him. They both hold their hands out to me, and before I can take one, I wake up.

  Through groggy ears, I hear a pounding at the door. My face is buried in the concrete wall beside the bed, as I hear four more bangs. Jolting up, I realize I'm still naked. I grab the rebel flag comforter of his bed and wrap it around me. I tip toe to the door and wait for someone to say something.

  A final bang on the door has my hand on the knob, quicker than I can think. If they're here for Trevor, they must know he's at work. Right? Unless they're here for me. It could be Janie. It has to be her. She's the only other one who knows I'm here. I open the door. It swings towards me and moves my hair across my face. I was expecting a face that was more feminine, and sweet. Instead, I have Ward's face staring at me. A fear starts in my stomach and works its way to my throat. He jumps to me and tries to stifle the scream. Oh, God. He's here to kill me. He's here to torture me for ruining the dress. I don't know why he's here. I stop my screaming and kicking, and realize he's on top of me with his hand around my mouth.

  "What the FUCK are you doing?" I scream as he bolts my wailing arms to the floor. He doesn't say anything.

  "Shut up!" He screams as he closes the door with his foot.

  "HELP!" I screamed.

  "Stop, Hayden."

  "No, no, no. Please help!" I screamed for someone, anyone.

  "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!" He finally screams.

  I'm crying at this point, and stop moving. "Why me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Just leave me in peace!"

  "I can't leave you alone, can't you see that?"

  "But I want you to!" I say with my head back on the ground.

  "Listen, Hayden. Everything I've done before; you have to put it out of your mind. I'm trying to help you now!"

  "What are you talking about?!" I scream. I find the strength in me to push myself up, and push him on his back. I stand up, and yell, "Everything that you've done so far has been nothing but hurt and anguish, only to satisfy yourself! You're a selfish bastard that has no feeling for anyone but you!" I stand over him with the blanket around me, "I cannot believe how many times I've helped you, for you to only to slap me in the face! LITERALLY!"

  "You have to listen to me!"

  "Why should I?"

  "BECAUSE," he screamed, and then softened his voice, "I love you, Hayden." He gets up and grabs my arm.

  Tears come pouring out of my tired eyes, "No. What do you want from me?" I sink down to the floor and stare at the ground. My shoulders bounce with each cry before I realize he's watching me in the middle of my breakdown.

  "I've come to tell you the truth. About everything."

  NINETEEN

  "The truth about what?" I ask, plainly.

  "Who I a
m. Why I'm here. And who you are too."

  "How could you possibly know who I am?" I stand up.

  "Just listen," He says, cutting me off. He tells me about my parents, some brotherhood, and he knows things about me that I've never told him before. He also says that my family has a hidden fortune that was once theirs. They want it back. "This is why I wanted you to stay away from me, I knew they'd do anything in their power to get their hands on that money. That means for me to hurt you. In the restaurant, after I told Rodney that I didn't get any information from you, he had me go to the meeting hall. They forced me into a chair and stuck needles in my arms. They forced me to do that shit again, Hayden. I thought they turned on me. They told me if I wanted you alive, I would stay as far away from you as possible. I don't remember going back to the hotel with that prostitute that night. All I remember is her nasty body on top of me, and seeing your face in the doorway. Don't you see? I couldn't fully explain myself. Because of what I've gotten myself into. And so, they needed another way to get the information they needed from you. So, they sent in someone else. Someone whose house you're standing in."

  "Trevor?" I say, stunned. He's lying. Trevor would never do something like that. Unless this brotherhood he's talking about is so wrapped up in secrecy and deceit, that I'm blinded by it. What if he's lying to me? What if he's not?

  "Yes." He says, elated I understand.

  "He hasn't even asked me anything. He hasn't even tried anything."

  "They want him to gain your trust. I tried to warn you to stay away from him. He's not the person you think he is. I've seen him shoot a man in cold blood."

  "What? That's a lie! He would never do anything like that!" Tears of shock come pouring out of my face, "I won't believe it!"