Fox (Bodhi Beach Book 1)

by SM Lumetta

  It’s a ridiculous exaggeration, but in my current state of mind, my maturity level is negligent. I feel feral. My chest is tight with stress and the need to sob hysterically.

  “Goddammit,” he says. For a second, I think he’s literally going to point his finger in my face. “I did not have sex with that girl.”

  “Great. Minus one Bimbo Barbie.”

  He growls. “Will you listen to me? I couldn’t do it. I just—” He cuts himself off with a panicky swallow.

  “You’re a nurse, you have access to the little blue pills,” I snark.

  He glares at me. “I didn’t want her,” he continues forcefully. “I mean, I tried—”

  “This shit is very nearly the last thing I want to hear. What’s it to me anyway?”

  His expression is accusing, and I resent it. “So that wasn’t what upset you last night?”

  It was the impetus, sure, but it doesn’t change anything. Even if he did sleep with her, I can’t fault him. As much as I hate it.

  “Why would it? I’m only in it for the baby batter,” I seethe, the effect of which is diminished by my sniffling. “Or did you forget?”

  Throwing his own words back at him should have made me feel better, but instead, it reminds me of my own stupidity. The stupid hope for something more. The stupid hope that has been stupidly blooming and dumbly transforming into asinine, honest to badness, googly-eyed love. Love for my jackass oldest friend in the world who promised me it was never going to be more than sex. Something we could easily leave behind and remain unchanged. I am not unchanged. I am completely screwed.

  “How can I?” he snaps and I freeze. “You remind me at every turn how this isn’t about me. ‘Dick time, Fox! Let’s go! Hop to it! Ride ’em, cowboy! Hot beef injection, coming up!’ I’m just a sperm donor who isn’t fit to keep a goldfish.”

  My eyes are on fire as I shout, “Am I wrong?”

  The hope flares. My chest aches, burning with it. I blink hard, almost afraid to open my eyes and look into his. When I do, I see something I never wanted to see. Resentment. For me.

  “Of course not,” he says. His voice is cutting, too calm. “Are you ever?”

  Acid pushes through my veins and I spit. “Well, I chose you, didn’t I?”

  That shocks him silent for a moment, so I just watch his chest rise and fall as he stares at me. I don’t know if he thinks his silence will force me to accept his excuses or what, but we remain in a quiet deadlock for a good minute. Finally, I take a breath, releasing my own will to fight.

  “Just go.”

  “I’m sorry.” Fox moves forward, too close. His hands search for a place to touch me. I slap them away.

  “You’re not.” I shake my head. “Not enough. And I need you to leave.”

  “I am more sorry than you can imagine,” he whispers. He remains frozen until I shove at his chest.

  “I said, leave!” My voice pitches high and sounds childish, but I don’t care.

  There are a million emotions I read in his expression, but I can’t trust myself. I must be projecting. He still doesn’t move, so I give another shove and he crashes through the screen door to the porch. I spin and stomp back inside, slamming the inner door behind me.

  I can hear him pacing back and forth, not going anywhere. “Sophie,” he pleads, stopping to punctuate the word with a fist to the doorframe. “Please?”

  I close my eyes and slide down the door until I’m sitting on the tile. I shake my head back and forth, willing him away. Next thing I know, I hear Nora mumbling curses as she plods up the stairs.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” She parses each word out slowly, like she occasionally does for the imbeciles she works with.

  Fox starts to speak, but she cuts him off.

  “That was mostly rhetorical, dick cheese, because I don’t give a flying fuck. Get the fuck out of here, man. She doesn’t want to talk to your slimy, whoring ass. You insensitive, selfish son of a—”

  “Knock it off, Bennett!” he yells. “I’m here to apologize for everything last night and she won’t even—”

  “Wait, last night? We just got back from the London last night,” she says, her tone significantly softer. “Did she—? No, she wouldn’t.” Silence for a beat. “Sophie!”

  Pissed, I scramble to stand and fling the door open. “What!” I shout at Nora. “Wasn’t my proudest moment, but at least now I know. Okay?”

  “What do you know?” Fox asks, incredulous all of a sudden. He glares, twisting toward Nora to ask, “Why were you in London?”

  “Nora knows what it is to be a true friend,” I sneer at him. “And I told you to leave. Why are you still here?”

  He shifts from one foot to the other. “You don’t know why I said those things. So I… I’m going to tell you.”

  “Hold up,” Nora interrupts. “I want to know what he said.”

  Fox slams a hand on the doorframe, blocking Nora’s view. “It was all a lie, and yes, I said it to hurt you.”

  That truth startles me more than the slam to the frame. I think I might finally throw up.

  “What?!” Nora tries to squeeze under his arm, but he pushes her back. She slaps at his back and head. It looks like a Three Stooges’ skit. I’d enjoy it, but I want to hear what he’s going to say.

  “Nora, stop,” I say, almost whispering. She peeks under Fox’s arm and eyeballs me. I roll mine at her. “I tell you everything. This will be no different.”

  Fox groans and tips his head back for a second. Nora swats at it.

  I poke a finger in his chest. “Why?” New tears follow the old tracks down my cheeks. I let them fall unencumbered. “Why would you?”

  He swallows hard. “I was angry. At you.”

  “Angry at me? Are you fucking serious?” My voice has gone hoarse. I huff and try to walk away, but he grabs my wrist to keep me in place. I lean back, attempting to pull free of his hold. “Let me go!”

  “That’s the problem, Sophie, I can’t,” he says, his voice cracking. “I love you.”

  I find his eyes with mine and just stop. Everything stops. I can’t speak, because I’m waiting for that other fucking shoe. The “because you’re my best friend” shoe.

  “I said those things because only the opposite was true.” His voice is soft, tender. It sounds strange coming from him, but it holds my attention.

  “Everything?” I say, feeling tiny and cautious.

  “Well”—he looks at the ground and back up—“except for the part where I said I was in love with you and I wanted you to take me back. I actually meant that, but I was too afraid to say it seriously.”

  “I think you mean you were too much of a candy-ass cockbag,” Nora snaps from behind him.

  “Nora!” I say, annoyed. “Give us a minute, okay?”

  “I’m already here for the big dish, I’ll just be quiet.”

  “Good fucking luck with that,” Fox mumbles.

  I accidentally chuckle at that. He looks up and tries to share a smile with me. I purposefully frown. His face falls.

  “You guys are assholes,” Nora hisses.

  Fox carefully pushes the two of us inside and closes the door behind us. Over his shoulder, I see her double birdie salute through the high windows in the door. I bite my smile.

  “I am an asshole. You—and Psycho out there—are right about that,” he says quietly, picking up my hands in his. His thumbs delicately brush over the backs of my hands. “But… I fell in love with you, and for a bit, I fucking hated you for it.”

  I make a noise, frowning. “That makes no sense.”

  He inhales slowly and forces his exhale. “I’ve never felt like this before,” he says, and I believe him. “It did not compute. I freaked out.”

  I could certainly relate to that, but he wasn’t nearly off the hook. “So that gave you the brilliant idea to treat me like shit? Ignore my texts? Forget I existed? Publicly declare me a horrible lay?”

  He grimaces and shakes his head at me. “I told
you, that was a lie.” He drops my hands and holds my face instead. Leaning in closer, he explains. “I couldn’t deal with how I felt, how good we felt together. Sex with you is the best I’ve ever had. I’m addicted to you.” He pauses to swallow audibly. “After you were pregnant, I couldn’t imagine just being friends again. I needed all of you, and I thought maybe you wouldn’t need me.”

  A few more tears make a run for it. “I needed you more than ever,” I whisper, wrapping his wrists tightly with my fingers. “And you were nowhere.”

  “I’m so sorry, Lollipop,” he says as he wipes my tears, but holds my gaze. “Please forgive me. Please?”

  I close my eyes. I want to collapse in his arms so badly my entire body aches for it.

  “I need you, even if you don’t love me the same. I hope I can live with that, but I’ll never get over losing my best friend. I’ve never managed a proper relationship, so I didn’t know how. Until you,” he says like a confession.

  My eyes pop open and I know he can see my surprise, because he smiles. My fingers loosen and slide from his wrists, falling to my sides. He steps just a little bit closer as his grip shifts to my shoulders.

  “It didn’t take me long to figure out how perfect we are. I may be slow on the uptake when it comes to loving someone, but if soul mates are a real thing, you’re it. I mean, what we have is real, right? Isn’t it?”

  My lips part as I stare at him, wanting to answer, but I can’t speak. I nod minutely and that’s all he needs to crush me against him. His embrace is everything I wanted when I walked off that plane yesterday—everything I needed. It’s late, but it couldn’t feel better. Safer. Maybe that’s an illusion, but nonetheless it allows me to let go. Sobs that had been on deck since I pulled into my driveway break free, heavily enough that my knees buckle. I’m not afraid.

  “I’ve got you, baby,” Fox says as he picks me up, sweeping a strong arm under my legs. “I promise.”

  The bawling feels exaggerated, uncontrollable. Nora rushes in like a graceful linebacker, and I try to get across that I’m okay. Except that it’s impossible to speak. Somehow, Fox convinces her that he’ll take care of me and will make sure I call her later. I’m still not sure how he manages that, but I’ll get that scoop from Nora. I suspect bribery.

  After she agrees, he carries me to my bed and lies with me until I stop crying. Never at any point do I feel his embrace relax—not until I can… which is basically when I pass out.

  When I come to, I’m in my bed and it’s dark out. Fox is next to me with one arm tucked under his head and the other holding me firmly against him. His breathing is slow and even. The light from the moon lands on his face.

  I take the opportunity to study him. His face is peaceful and relaxed. He’s so handsome. The soft sun-streaked curls, the strong jaw and full, pouty lips—lips I’ve grown too fond of kissing and sucking on, and occasionally, biting. I tell myself it’s because I said we should enjoy making a baby even if it’s not about love. Which it wasn’t. Until I up and fell in love with him. Like a complete fool. I call him an idiot and a dumbass all the time, but turns out I’m both those things and more.

  I’m kind of blown away by the fact that I absolutely one hundred percent was not in love with him before this whole clusterfuck and now it feels like it’s ruining me. I thought I’d felt what it was really like to love someone, but I was wrong. I never loved Brett like this. My first heartbreak and first love, Joey, was crazy. But looking back, he’s barely a blip on the radar compared to Fox. The way I ache for him—not for the sex, but for him—is literally breathtaking. And painful. And horrifying. In the best ways. And the worst. All at the same time.

  Fox twitches and his tongue darts out over his bottom lip. I’m taken over by a smile, the warmth of my feelings for him echoing through me like light and sound vibrations top to bottom.

  “I love you,” I say quietly before I even realize I said it out loud. “You stupid asshole.”

  His eyes pop open as if I’ve smacked him. I briefly wonder if I did, in fact, smack him and not realize it. It’s totally possible. It doesn’t happen often, but I wouldn’t put it past me these days.

  “What did you say?” he asks.

  Something tells me he knows exactly what I said. The entirety of my skin instantly feels like I have spontaneously burst into flames. My eyes are wide and panicked. I want to flee.

  “Sophie?” His voice is quiet and tentative. Something there holds me in place. When I don’t respond, he continues. “Did you mean like you always have? Like, as friends?”

  My bottom lip wobbles. I bite it to assert some level of control over myself.

  “Please answer me, baby.”

  It’s his bizarre timidity mixed with the endearment that cinches it. He’s radiating fear and hope like nothing I’ve ever seen from him. And I’m suddenly emboldened. I wanted to confess, right? This is my chance. “No. Not like always. Not as friends.”

  His breathing is practically staccato. He sucks in a breath and gulps. “As more?”

  My lips part into a smile in confirmation; I am hopeful in a way that frees me. “As everything.”

  “You love me?”

  “Yes.” It’s quiet and happy and terrified and hopeful.

  “So you’d say you’re in love with me, right? I’m just trying to be clear, here.” Humor is how the both of us deal with serious shit like this.

  I roll my eyes, but I’m still smiling. “I’m crazy in love with you, Fox Monkhouse.”

  Everything dims by the joy he’s beaming. “Do you even know?”

  My forehead creases. “What?”

  He pushes forward, gathering me in his embrace and speaking against my lips. “How long I’ve wanted to tell you…”

  “Tell me what?” I’m breathy and near tears. Again.

  “That you have a chive in your teeth?” he says at full conversational volume. “It’s kind of disgusting.”

  “Oh for fuck’s sake,” I say with a groan and twist away. I fully intend to get up and leave, but he doesn’t let me get far at all.

  “But more so that I love you,” he tells me softly. He presses his lips to mine firmly. We’re still for a breath. “I’m so in love with you that it’s excruciating and I think you should apologize.”

  I pull back and give him a “what the fuck?” face.

  “I’m kidding! You don’t have to apologize,” he deadpans.

  “Oh, I don’t, huh? Christ, Fox. You totally ruined it.” I’m giving him shit, of course, because I feel exactly the same torturous way. I attempt to escape, but he locks me down with all his limbs.

  “I didn’t want to love someone like this, Sophie. Ever,” he confesses and sounds guiltier than he should.

  I think it’s the most honest he’s ever been with himself or anyone else in his life. And I’m stunned. My entire body drains of fight and I sink into the mattress.

  “What scared me most was the thought that you wouldn’t love me back. That idea feels like the worst imaginable death.”

  My eyes bulge. “Fox.”

  “I know, right?!” he almost shouts. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel insane.”

  Amusement burns through the center of my body, erupting in a smile and a giggle. “You are.”

  The dopey expression on his lovestruck face is idiotic and I try to mirror him, because this moment right here is something made for those cheesy tween romance shows on the Disney Channel. I mean, legit gag worthy. But then he smiles at me. It’s like the first time someone sees the sun. Life changing and indescribable. Everything inside me heats up slowly, bubbling with an effervescence I’ve never before felt. I think I might explode, but I’ll enjoy it.

  He sighs like he’s preparing to drop something heavy on me. And by heavy, I mean, confess something horrible and damning. The amazing warmth I felt fades just a bit as I tense.

  “I need to make it clear that I haven’t been with anyone since you. No one.” His eyes meet mine and they are clear. “I cou
ldn’t. And I didn’t even want to. I didn’t need to. I drank too much, but no harem. It’s important that you know that. And believe it.”

  My body tingles from top to bottom and I swallow thickly. “I believe you.” And I do. Maybe it’s naïve, but knowing Fox as well as I do, it’s easy to tell when he’s truthful. His genuine sincerity breaks through him like the sun bleeding through cracks in the clouds.

  “Do you? Really?” he asks.

  I am certain it’s serious and very important to him. “I promise.”

  And just like that, the smile that warms my world is back. His responding kiss is almost chaste at first, but then the pressure increases. Soft and delicate becomes slow and sensual, magnetic. I’m drawn in just enough to forget myself. Then his lips still, his breath breaks over my face.

  I let my eyes close. I’m a little in awe of the situation and I’m trying to take it all in. I love this man. This surfer boy. This foxy Fox. My oldest friend and once again, my best. My soul mate. A smile tugs on my lips and I revel in our mutual happiness.

  “I want to make a baby with you.”

  My eyes fly open.

  “But not like how we talked about originally. I want you to have our baby.”

  Our baby.

  I feel quivering in the facial region—I’m fighting it, so I probably look bewildered and angry. It’s not a good look. I’m still kind of swimming in hormones and the tumultuous emotions I’m trying to surf where it comes to Fox are not helping. “You do?” Jesus, I sound like a five-year-old.

  He’s smiling, which tells me he finds my dumb expression amusing. Bonus. “Yes.” There is no hesitation.

  A tear falls. He wipes it away, his eyes never moving from mine. “Are you sure?”

  He smiles. “Yes.”

  “Do you want to wait?”

  “No.” Still no hesitancy.

  I’m totally taken aback. “No?”

  “You said you don’t have that much time, biologically speaking. And… honestly, I’ve grown seriously attached to the idea of you having my kid. I don’t see why we have to wait.”

  “You don’t?”

  He laughs, plants a kiss on me, and laughs some more. “Are you just going to parrot questions at me?”