The future scared her so much. She knew she had to be strong if she was going to raise a child by herself. She shook her head. This was not the way she had envisioned it would be. She had pictured a happy, loving home with Ry and their baby. And now that dream had vanished as thoroughly as if it had never existed.
The ringing doorbell startled her out of the misery. She ignored the sound. Whoever it was, she didn’t want to talk to them. The persistent buzzing finally forced her into action. She descended the stairs, walked across the living room and angrily yanked open the door. She froze in her tracks when she saw Ry.
He stepped inside and closed the door without waiting to be invited. He kept his voice firm without being threatening. “I told you we need to talk, and I meant it.” Then he focused on her face, the red eyes and tear streaked cheeks, and it tore at his heart. A sharp pain stabbed through him. How could he have done this to her? How could he have allowed his old demons with Marjorie to control his love for Jean and interfere with their relationship?
Somehow he had to convince her that he was not the worst bastard to ever walk the face of the earth. He pulled her into his embrace. Her body immediately stiffened, then her hands were against his chest trying to push away from him. He refused to let go.
Ry was firm in his words without being harsh. “I’m bigger than you, I’m stronger than you and I’m going to hold on to you until you calm down so you might as well stop struggling.”
Several seconds passed before he felt some of the tension drain away from her body. His voice softened as he caressed her shoulders and stroked her hair. “Are you all right now? Can we sit down and talk this out?”
Her words came out as a whisper. “You don’t seem to be giving me any choice in the matter.”
Ry took Jean’s hand and led her to the sofa, then sat next to her. He kept his arm protectively around her shoulders. An apprehensive jitter welled inside him, but he knew he had to ignore it. He had made a mess of things and it was up to him to straighten it out. No matter what the future held, he had to take care of the present before anything else.
“First of all I want to apologize to you for my deplorable behavior Saturday morning.” A quick jab of anxiety assailed his senses and he just as quickly shoved it aside. “I had no right to treat you that way and I feel horrible about it. I don’t even have the excuse of being a confused and immature seventeen-year-old.”
He paused as he tried to get his thoughts in order. Knowing he had only one chance to redeem himself he had to carefully assess every word. He couldn’t afford to misspeak or not be clear in what he was saying. He desperately needed to make her understand what had happened…and why.
“I want to tell you about something I swore I’d never talk about, something that only Bill Todd knows. It doesn’t excuse my appalling reaction Saturday morning, but I hope it will help explain it.”
He took a deep breath, held it for several seconds, then slowly exhaled. He had given this a great deal of thought over the weekend. It was his job to analyze things and make appropriate decisions based on that analysis. But this was highly emotional. Analyzing and dealing with emotions was not an area where he excelled. He didn’t want to reopen the old wounds, to expose yet another carefully hidden vulnerability, but he knew it had to be done. He didn’t know any other way to repair the damage he had caused.
“It was a month after I had graduated from college. Marjorie and I had been dating for about three months. It was nothing serious, at least I didn’t think so. In fact, I saw it as mostly sex and not much else. Then one night she hit me with the news that she was pregnant. Needless to say I was stunned. I asked her how that was possible since I had always taken all the proper precautions.
“She reminded me of a night about six weeks earlier when we’d been at a pregraduation celebration where the beer flowed and everyone had too much to drink. I had checked us into a motel just a block from the party rather than driving the fifteen miles back to her apartment after imbibing too much. She claimed that was the night she got pregnant, that neither one of us was lucid enough to even think about using a condom, let alone going out to find one. I couldn’t refute her claim since I didn’t really remember much of that night after we left the party.”
He paused as the painful memories once again took hold. “Anyway, I did the honorable thing and married her even though I didn’t love her. It was a couple of months later when I discovered the truth. She wasn’t pregnant at all and never had been. She coyly batted her eyelashes at me and said it was the only way she could think of to get me to marry her.
“I filed for divorce the next day. Then I found out she had pulled the same scam on another guy three years earlier and had taken him for everything he was worth in the divorce settlement. I had a good attorney. We had several credible witnesses including her ex-husband. The judge tossed her out on her ear. He said she was a conniving schemer who didn’t deserve one cent and even added that she had left herself open for a civil suit if I chose to file one. As for me, all I wanted was to get as far away from Marjorie and everything she stood for as I possibly could.”
Ry pulled Jean into his embrace. He desperately needed the warmth of her closeness, the contentment and settled feeling he had whenever he was with her. “And that’s what happened Saturday morning. You were trying to tell me about being pregnant, but what I heard was Marjorie lying to me, conning me and manipulating me into marrying her.” He placed a tender kiss on her cheek.
“I had no right to do that to you. I had no right to impose my past on what you were saying. I’m so sorry, Jean.”
He turned until he could look into her eyes. He cupped her face in his hands. “A few weeks ago you told me you could forgive the actions of a seventeen-year-old boy. Well, what happened Saturday morning was not the doing of an immature seventeen-year-old boy. It was my fault, a mature thirty-two-year-old man. I’ve given you an explanation for what happened, but I’m not making an excuse for my indefensible actions. There isn’t any excuse for what I put you through.” He brushed a soft kiss across her lips. “But once again I’m asking you to forgive me for something I never should have allowed to happen.”
The apprehension churned inside him. His entire future was on the line. It seemed like forever before she said anything, then he realized he’d been holding his breath as he waited for her response.
Her voice conveyed the confusion roiling inside her. “I don’t know, Ry.” She shook her head as the frown wrinkled across her forehead. “I don’t know what to say.”
His explanation shocked her, then the reality of what it meant slowly soaked into her consciousness. It certainly did explain why he would have reacted to her news the way he did, but it didn’t do anything to alleviate her anxiety. She still didn’t know how he felt about her, if he loved her, whether he would accept the baby…if they could ever be a real family in a loving home with a future together.
And then there was the damaging report about her department with his recommendation that her job be eliminated. That would require a lot more explaining before she could even attempt to understand why he would do such a thing. She twisted out of his embrace. She forced the words, but she knew they needed to be said.
“So I forgive you for this. Now where does that leave us? Where do things stand? And none of this is going to alter the fact that I’m pregnant.” She looked at him. “Where do we go from here, Ry? What comes next?”
She had thrown the situation squarely in his lap. He knew any attempt to postpone a serious discussion of their relationship would only make matters worse. He gathered his composure.
“When I arrived here last Saturday morning I said I had something I wanted to discuss with you. I wanted to discuss the future. Perhaps this would be the time for that discussion.”
“What about the future?”
He pulled her into his arms again. “I believe you about being pregnant.” His anxiety rose again. He was about to move into new territory, to put his last vestige
of vulnerability on the line, but before he could say any more, his fear won out. He balked. He didn’t say what he had wanted to. He didn’t tell her he loved her.
“I want very much to be a part of your life. I want to help raise our child.”
Her words were defiant. “Are you saying that because you feel obligated? If so, don’t bother. I don’t want you to feel that you’re being pressured into something.” She paused as his words about Marjorie popped into her mind. “I don’t want you to resent me because you feel like you’re being manipulated.”
The panic rose inside him. He didn’t know what to say. No, that’s not true. He knew what to say—he knew he had to tell her he loved her. But his fears overwhelmed his desires. He finally stumbled over some woefully inadequate words.
“With a baby on the way, perhaps we…uh…maybe we should talk about—” He swallowed his panic as it tried to rob him of his ability to speak. “Uh…consider maybe living together.”
This latest slap was more than Jean could handle. She jumped up from the sofa and glared at him for a moment. She lashed out at him, partly from anger and partly because she was very fearful of what the future held, of how she would be able to cope on her own.
“You just assumed I’d pack up and move to Chicago with you without any word about a commitment? That I’d simply abandon my own life and go with you until…” She searched for the right words, momentarily at a loss as her anger took precedence over her hurt. “Until you got tired of me? Until you decided that I’d manipulated you, too, and you’d had enough and wanted out?”
Then the reality hit her. That was what his evaluation report had been about. It was the final blow.
“And your report to Matt…was that your way of making sure you had control? That you would get what you wanted without any regard for me or my—”
She saw the confusion flash across his face, an expression that stopped her in midsentence and left her as confused as he looked.
His voice contained a combination of bewilderment and anger. “What the hell are you talking about? What does my report have to do with you being pregnant and my wanting to be involved with raising our child…and being with you?”
“I read the report. It very clearly stated your recommendation to eliminate my job! That would certainly put me in a position where I didn’t have a lot of choices about career, especially trying to find a new job and telling a prospective employer that I’ll be needing maternity leave in a few more months. That’s not a situation most prospective employers want to embrace.”
A flash of understanding hit him. It all became clear. He now suddenly realized what she was talking about. He composed himself in an attempt to project a calm and collected outer manner. He maintained a soft and soothing tone of voice. “You didn’t read the entire report? You only read about half of the first page.” The words were said as much to himself as they were to her. He looked up, extending a questioning gaze. “Isn’t that correct?”
All of the fight drained out of her. The events had taken a strange and totally unexpected turn. Her anger once again dissolved into a deep fear. She felt as if she was on an emotional roller-coaster and couldn’t make it stop. “Uh…well, I haven’t studied the entire report…not in depth.”
“The entire report?” He shook his head and allowed a hint of a smile to pull at the corners of his mouth. “As I said, you didn’t read beyond the middle of page one.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her on to the sofa next to him.
“Had you read the entire report you would have seen that I recommended the elimination of the position of personnel manager because I recommended the changeover of the personnel department to a human resources department in line with other businesses of the same size as Jarvis Custom Furniture. I made suggestions for several changes, but none of them were due to any inadequacy on your part. They related to the way so many miscellaneous functions and problems seemed to be dumped on you, things that did not belong in a human resources department. I stated that the position of the personnel manager should be replaced with a new position that carried the title of Director Of Human Resources which should include an increase in salary.”
Jean sat in stunned silence as she tried to assimilate what he had said. “I…I feel so foolish…I didn’t read all…with everything else that’s happened I just assumed…” She looked up at him, searching his eyes for the compassion and understanding she so desperately needed.
He put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. “I do understand.”
Ry pushed ahead with the rest of what he had to say before he lost his nerve again. “And as far as living together…I didn’t mean to imply that I thought you should quit your job, pick up your life and take it to Chicago especially since I had just recommended a raise and promotion for you. I can work out some way to move my corporate headquarters to Seattle. I’ve recently purchased a small public relations firm here and I think I can incorporate my other business interests into that location without too much of a problem.”
What had been anger, panic and fear several minutes ago had turned to embarrassment as she realized her erroneous assumption, then those feelings gave way to a growing exhilaration and finally culminated in an overwhelming excitement. It felt as if the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from her shoulders. Everything would be okay after all. Then her new found euphoria found a dark cloud to dampen the moment.
The words were difficult for her, but they had to be said. There couldn’t be any further misconceptions lingering to cause future problems. “I don’t want you to stay simply because you feel it’s your responsibility. You’ve never once mentioned the word love to me. If we don’t have the basis of a loving relationship where the baby will have a happy home, then I want you to leave now. I don’t want a relationship built on nothing more than your feeling obligated to take responsibility. Having you like me isn’t enough.”
There—she had finally said it. She had told him she needed to know how he felt. She needed an all-out commitment. Having him say he was willing to accept responsibility was not enough.
Ry took a deep breath. He could not dance around it any longer. He wrapped her in his embrace. “You and the baby are the most important things in my life, far more important than any business deal I’ve signed or financial goal I’ve set for myself. I…I love you, Jean…I love you very much. I want us to be married as soon as possible. I want us to be a family—a real family.”
The tears filled her eyes, but this time they were tears of joy. They were the words she had longed to hear, but feared she never would. She saw the seriousness in his eyes and the open love there for anyone to see, a love that was no longer hidden.
There was one last question, one last point to clarify. “Are you sure, Ry? Really sure?”
“Yes…” He stroked her hair and placed a tender kiss on her lips. “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, but I’ve been so afraid—afraid of the commitment…the whole thing. But what scared me even more was the thought of losing you.” He held her tight as the emotional wave washed over him. “The possibility of losing you put everything in proper perspective for me. It showed me how unimportant my inner fears were. It showed me how wrong I’ve been to let the demons of the past control my present when I should have been searching for the joys of the future.”
“Oh, Ry…I’ve been so frightened. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I loved you so much, was pregnant with your child and you had rejected me and the baby. Then when I saw the first page of your report…well…”
“I’m so sorry, Jean. I seem to be saying that a lot lately, but I mean it. That was a terrible thing I did to you even though it wasn’t my intention. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.” He held her tightly. He had finally been able to tell her he loved her and she had returned that love. “I want us to get married next week,” he kissed her on the cheek, “or sooner if it’s possible. I’ll start my attorney on the ramifications of moving my company t
o Seattle and we’ll look for a house to buy.”
“Are you sure, Ry? Really sure?”
“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
Her heart soared as the love she felt for him filled every corner of her existence. A man she loved more than she thought possible, a home and a real family…it was everything she had ever wanted.
“Oh, Ry…I love you so much. Yes, I’ll marry you. Whenever you want and wherever you want.”
He captured her mouth with a kiss that conveyed all the love that had been stored inside him. For the first time in his life he had someone to give that love to, someone that fulfilled his life. And they were going to have a baby, a new life created from their love. He had never been happier.
Epilogue
Ry pulled into the garage of the large house on Bainbridge Island that overlooked the bay with the Seattle skyline in the background. Even though they had been married for six months, it was only three months ago that they found the perfect house. There was still some landscaping to do and a couple of rooms to furnish yet, but for the most part they were settled and comfortable in their new home. He entered from the garage through the utility room, then into the kitchen.
He looked around and when he didn’t see anyone, he called out. “Jean? Where are you?”
Her voice called back to him. “I’m in the den.”
A moment later he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, a loving kiss that spoke of contentment and happiness. “What did the doctor say?”
“The doctor says everything is fine.” She pointed to the large gift-wrapped package in the middle of the floor. “I have a present for you.”
“A present for me? What’s the occasion?”
“Oh, let’s just say it’s because I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mrs. Collier.” He placed his hand on her burgeoning belly. “So much has happened. It took us all of three days to get married, then we found this house and now in a couple more months we’ll have a new life to share our love with. I’ve never been happier.”
Their Child? Page 53