Tex

by Tex Perkins

  Paul Mac approached me about singing a song on his album. I didn’t know much about Paul but I remember he was in a noisy electronic band in the ’80s called Smash Mac Mac. I said, ‘Give me a CD and I’ll give the demo a listen.’ The song was ‘Heat Seeking Pleasure Machine’, a sleazy techno grinder of a thing. I thought it was hilarious and it kicked arse. It felt like it should be played in a leather club, but this was way too heavy for those boys; anyway I think they’d rather fist-fuck to Kylie Minogue

  Corroboration was an album of various black and white Australian artists collaborating. The Cruel Sea teamed up with hip hop group Native Rhyme, with Magoo producing and Martin Lee, ex of Regurgitator, programming the drum machine. The song ‘Together’ was written and recorded in a day and is remarkable. The final touch is the appearance of Kev Carmody, who happened to be visiting me at the time, at the end of the track. Kev lends his considerable skills as a poet but also as a vocal performer. His very presence gives this track a sense of authenticity.

  A few years ago I received an email from a band called Cookin on 3 Burners. Attached to the email was the demo of a song called ‘Flat on my back’ and an invitation to record the vocal for the track. It was a stripped-back funk track with plenty of chicken in its strut, so I immediately agreed.

  Jake, Ivan and Dan are a ‘crack unit’ as they say. They’re a really great instrumental band and I’ve had the pleasure of playing with them live many times now. Sometimes it reminds me of another instrumental band I played with many moons ago . . .

  My dear friend, actor and musician, Justine Clarke is the queen of ABC television’s kids’ show Play School. Her album I Like To Sing revolutionised kids’ music, as it was attractive to children but could be enjoyed by parents as well (unlike some other ‘artists’ who will remain nameless). The king to her queen of Play School is/was Rhys Muldoon. I’ve known Rhys for many years, and was delighted when he asked me to help out with his album of music for kids. Produced by Kram, I’m Not Singing is the counter balance to Justine’s I Like To Sing. Possessing lots of great tunes that are tolerable to adults, it’s wilder, edgier and harder-rocking than kids’ music usually is. But personally, I would’ve only put one song about poo on the album.

  CAREER DIVERSITY BLUES

  There was always going to be a price to pay for a career as musically all over the place as mine was.

  It definitely wasn’t planned that way. I know audiences get confused, others have felt betrayed. I can understand. If you have a certain audience and they’ve gotten used to, for instance, hard rock’n’rolling from me and then I do something SENSITIVE and ACOUSTIC they feel betrayed, and vice versa. They might see me with a funk band one time, and next time they see me it’s with a country band.

  It drives some people crazy, but hey . . .

  You win some, you lose some.

  On reflection I wouldn’t have really wanted it any other way. I’m not sure I’d have wanted to do just The Beasts Of Bourbon for the past 30 years. I wouldn’t be here.

  All my life, as a kid and as an adult, I’ve always enjoyed doing different things. That philosophy and the approach to the way I work really solidified in the Black Eye period where I made a band up, did a gig and then a week later I put together a completely different thing to do one show or a few. I guess I got used to being in five different bands at once.

  In the early ’90s I was seriously playing in The Beasts Of Bourbon and The Cruel Sea, touring at home and abroad, and recording with both bands. Then Tex, Don & Charlie came along and I fit those shows into the mix too. That was the way I worked – and it’s still the way I work. I act on what is around and presenting itself and that triggers my ability and desire to work. It’s simply a case of my seeing opportunities and saying ‘THAT LOOKS LIKE FUN – I’LL DO IT!’

  It’s why I’ve been able to look after my family and have a life I love without having to go back to sweeping floors or selling foam mattresses to supplement a music career.

  There’s not a lot of other Australian musicians from the early 1980s who are still out there doing it consistently like I am. There’s a lot who had a good couple of years – maybe a good decade – and then they had to get a ‘real job’. I’ve been at it for over three-and-a-half decades without having to have a day job in the traditional sense. Like all working musicians, it can be feast followed by famine. Sometimes there’s no money for a frighteningly long time. But I make it work. Music is my job. But it’s not only my job. It’s not only my career. It’s my love. It’s my obsession.

  It’s what I am and it’s why I am.

  The reality is that if you’re in just one band AND you’re successful you still only have maybe 10 years at it – if you’re VERY lucky. That’s 10 years of operating at the proper touring, recording and making money level. Even less the way music is today.

  Tex, Don & Charlie, we only do every 12 years but it’s always there and when those dozen years roll around again it’s ‘Hey, time to do another record’, just like always.

  Actually, between this TDC record and the last, I’ve worked with Tim Rogers, the West Australian Symphony Orchestra, the Sydney Youth Orchestra, made a Beasts record for Alberts, unleashed The Ladyboyz, made three Dark Horses albums, formed a new band, The Ape, released a country standards album, recorded and toured with funk soul specialists Cookin on 3 Burners, done hundreds of solo and duo gigs all round the world with Charlie Owen or Murray Paterson, done voiceovers for cartoons, ads and documentaries, worked with Doc Neeson, Justine Clarke, Chad Morgan, Jimmy Barnes, Ron Barassi, Lydia Lunch and Brian Cadd, sung 5000 Johnny Cash songs, scored several film soundtracks, worked in theatre, revived The Cruel Sea for what we now realise was a farewell tour and have lost count of how many times I’ve appeared on Rockwiz. It’s a lot to figure out, but it’s a lot of fun.

  I do my damnedest to make everything I’m involved in work, but the two really successful projects I’ve been involved with, The Cruel Sea and The Man In Black, have made me feel trapped. Because if something is successful you are logically obliged to keep doing it, and doing it. Successful bands do long tours, successful theatre shows do long seasons. After a while it’s difficult to feel engaged in what you’re doing, and that can be dangerous, as you grapple with ways of battling the monotony. It’s not just sharks that die if they stop moving.

  I change things up constantly. So if, as they say, a change is as good as holiday, then I’m permanently on vacation.

  Anyway, I kinda operate in my own alternate universe where I can sell out a 700-seat venue with The Ape in Adelaide and run into someone at the airport the next day who says, ‘You’re Tex Perkins aren’t you? Do you still play music?’ And that for me is perfect, getting the job done but flying under the radar.

  As a wise man once said, ‘There’s a difference between scratching your arse and ripping it to shreds’. My arse was only a little itchy, but it’s still itchy.

  As I said before, I think I did all this back then so I had something to put in this fucking book. When you’re old you gotta have a few crazy stories to tell about yourself.

  The trick is remembering them.

  OUTRO

  Some of you might be wondering why is there a book about THIS guy?

  I mean let’s break it down to facts and stats.

  I’m a white Australian male.

  I’m a musician, primarily a singer.

  I write songs, but I don’t see myself as a songwriter. I’m a singer in need of something to sing.

  My career equates to one number one album and six ARIA awards, and all totalled, probably a little over a million albums sold across 34 years and with more than 20 different bands. My biggest selling record was only about 250,000. These are not impressive figures, when compared to Barbra Streisand or U2 or even the Hoodoo Gurus.

  I admit I didn’t have much interest in my story myself. Not until I started telling it. That’s when I realised it’s not the big picture that’s interesting, it’s the little ones –
all the fuck-ups that hurt at the time, but now are wonderful memories that make me laugh. (Most of them anyway.) And all those unique individuals I’ve met and all the wonderful stupid things we’ve done together.

  It’s also all the great music that has moved me over that time. Moved me, not only emotionally, but moved me along with my life. The songs that got me going, fuelled my imagination and taught me how to live. Why to live.

  This book all started when I got an email from Stuart Coupe in April 2016.

  It was titled ‘Life and Projects’.

  Hmmm, bit weird.

  Haven’t really had much to do with Stuart for a few years.

  But he was always someone I respected and never had a problem with, so I not only opened the email, but I also read it!

  These days Stuart is a writer, a weekly DJ on two Sydney independent radio stations, a father and a husband, and he pretends to be a football coach.

  But when I first met him he was one half of record label Green Records, a band manager, journalist and sometime promoter.

  So ‘Life and Projects’ could’ve meant anything.

  ‘Would love to get together for a chat,’ he wrote.

  Hmmm, what are you up to Coupes?

  I answered and agreed ‘to have a chat’.

  Anyway turns out he wants to write a book, about me!

  Well, actually he wants me to write it, with him pushing me along.

  Oh fuck.

  Really?

  Are you sure?

  Yeah, says he’s ‘got a publisher and everything, actually they came to me with the idea’.

  Hmmm, really?

  No. Thanks anyway.

  Those rock books (of which I’ve read a few) are usually about how much money they made, how many ladies they ‘knew’, how many drugs they took, and there’s an avalanche of name-dropping along the way.

  And yes, I have done all those things, but not in any great numbers that seemed worthy of a tell-all rock bio.

  Somewhere along the line Stuart tried to assure me that this wouldn’t be like that and that we could (together) take it in any direction I liked.

  Still I was not totally convinced.

  I mean what’s the angle?

  What’s interesting?

  What’s the scoop Coupe?

  The story of an awkward skinny kid from the northern suburbs of Brisbane who grows up to be in lots of bands with silly names, one of which sold a few albums a few years ago . . . back when people gave a shit.

  Hmmmm. Nah. I don’t think I need a thorough examination of my . . . what?

  The advance is how much?

  Really?

  Do we have to split that?

  No?

  That’s just for me?

  Hmmm, well I suppose . . .

  And then Stuart said the words that always get me.

  ‘We’ll have fun!’

  And I was in.

  Prick!

  THANK YOUS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  From Tex

  First of all, I’d like to acknowledge those we’ve loved who have gone before us. Bob Perkins, Shane Walsh, Peter Read, Speedy, Tony Carmona and James Cruickshank. Wish you were here.

  I’d like to thank all my comrades over the years, but especially Brian Hooper, Tony Pola, Danny Rumour, Stuart Grey and Spencer Jones. Thanks for letting me tell everyone how much fun we had and how stupid we were.

  Special thanks to Jules Normington and John Foy.

  Eternal thanks to Iggy Pop.

  I want to thank my best friend and partner, Kristyna, for giving me the time and space to write.

  I’d like to thank Andrea for reading the thing and suggesting changes. Big thanks to my brother Rob for jogging my memory on a few of the details. Also thanks to Juan Mari Iturrarte for his relentless enthusiasm.

  Thanks to Angus Fontaine for starting this whole process, and Georgia Douglas at Macmillan, you were great to work with. Thanks also to Ingrid Ohlsson and Alex Craig.

  I’d like to thank Stuart Coupe for pushing me into this thing and telling me it would be fun. It was.

  But really I’d like to thank everyone for all the adventures we’ve shared and giving me some meat to put in the sandwich. (I’m talking about this book.)

  From Stuart

  When this book was first mooted by Angus Fontaine, little did I realise what a long, occasionally fraught and frequently fun and illuminating year-and-a-half it would be.

  Tex knocked on my door when he first arrived in Sydney in the early 1980s, and three-and-a-half decades later I still consider him a good buddy. At the beginning I promised him a fun time with this book, and for the majority of the time our working relationship has been exactly that. He’s also maintained a consistent domination in our frequent stress-relieving table-tennis matches. So to Tex – thanks for the table tennis, candid chats and laughs.

  Along the way I received valuable assistance from John Willsteed, Greg Manson, Murray Bennett, Patrick Emery, Robert Dunstan, John Foy and Rob Fadaely. Thank you all.

  As the book progressed, Georgia Douglas at Pan Macmillan did an amazing job of pulling everything together. My favourite line: ‘Stuart, we’re working from five different versions of the manuscript – let’s consolidate them into one, can we?’ And a further big nod of gratitude to Heather Rose, who gets the award for Tough But Fair Diplomatic Negotiator (TBFDN).

  Susan Lynch was along for the whole ride. She’s my heart, soul, best friend and companion in all the adventures, crazy times and experiences that we embark on.

  Thank you to everyone – and thank you again, Susan.

  OK, as Tex says, ‘That’ll do.’

  TOP TEN ALBUMS BY PERKO

  1. THE AXEMAN’S JAZZ / THE BEASTS OF BOURBON

  2. SAD BUT TRUE / TEX, DON & CHARLIE

  3. WHERE THERE’S SMOKE / THE CRUEL SEA

  4. DARK HORSES / TEX PERKINS

  5. THE APE / THE APE

  6. BEAUTIFUL KATE / TEX PERKINS, MURRAY PATERSON

  7. ALL IS FORGIVEN / TEX, DON & CHARLIE

  8. THREE LEGGED DOG / THE CRUEL SEA

  9. TEX PERKINS AND THE BAND OF GOLD / TEX PERKINS AND THE BAND OF GOLD

  10. YOU DONT KNOW LONELY / TEX, DON & CHARLIE

  TEX’S PLAYLIST

  To enhance your reading experience

  ‘Born On A Bayou’, Creedence Clearwater Revival

  ‘I’m Eighteen’, Alice Cooper

  ‘I’m Branded’, Link Wray

  ‘Rock Island Line’, Johnny Cash

  ‘Runaway Boys’, Stray Cats

  ‘Garbageman’, The Cramps

  ‘Set It On Fire’, The Scientists

  ‘Feel The Pain’, The Damned

  ‘Nightclubbing’, Iggy Pop

  ‘She Said’, Hasil Adkins

  ‘Zoo Music Girl’, The Birthday Party

  ‘Nothing Grows In Texas’, Sacred Cowboys

  ‘Sex Beat’, The Gun Club

  ‘Crawfish’, Elvis Presley

  ‘Psychotic Reaction’, The Count Five

  ‘Double Talkin’ Baby’, Gene Vincent

  ‘Planet Claire’, The B52s

  ‘Jump Sturdy’, Dr John

  ‘Warren Smith’, Uranium Rock

  ‘Dead Flowers’, The Rolling Stones

  ‘Swamp Witch’, Jim Stafford

  ‘Jolene’, Dolly Parton

  ‘Louie Louie’, The Sonics

  ‘Paralysed’, Legendary Stardust Cowboy

  ‘The Fatal Wedding’, Chad Morgan

  ‘All By Myself’, Johnny Burnette

  ‘Train Round The Bend’, The Velvet Underground

  ‘You’re Driving Me Insane’, The Missing Links

  ‘I’ve Had It’, Alex Chilton

  ‘Hot Head’, Captain Beefheart

  ‘Jukebox Baby’, Alan Vega

  ‘The Man With The Harmonica’, Ennio Morricone

  ‘Mushroom’, Can

  ‘The Fish Needs A Bike’, Blurt

  ‘In Dark Trees’, Brian E
no

  ‘Pablo Picasso’, Modern Lovers

  ‘30 Seconds Over Tokyo’, Pere Ubu

  ‘Nova Feedback’, Chrome

  ‘Dead Men Walks’, Jad Fair

  ‘Lady Scarface’, Lydia Lunch

  ‘Ich Bin’s’, Einstürzende Neubauten

  ‘Yellow Black And Rectangular’, Negativland

  ‘You’ll See Glimpses’, Ian Dury & The Blockheads

  ‘Hello Skinny’, The Residents

  ‘You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)’, The Beatles

  ‘Boogie Stop Shuffle’, Charles Mingus

  ‘Morbius’ Study’, Louis and Bebe Barron

  ‘Cruenta Voluptas’, Non

  ‘This Bloke Came Up To Me’, Derek and Clive

  ‘Performance’, Jack Nitzsche

  ‘Contort Yourself’, James Chance and the Contortions

  ‘Thing With A Hook’, Half Japanese

  ‘What Do You Know About Music, You’re Not A Lawyer’, John Lurie

  ‘Shore Leave’, Tom Waits

  ‘Loser’, Beck

  ‘Gimme Back My Wig’, Hound Dog Taylor

  ‘Sophisticated Cissy’, The Meters

  ‘Crazy Baldhead’, Bob Marley

  ‘Bron-Yr-Aur’, Led Zeppelin

  ‘The Partisan’, Leonard Cohen

  ‘Big Eyed Beans From Venus’, Captain Beefheart

  ‘Hush Hush’, Jimmy Reed

  ‘Welcome To The Terrordome’, Public Enemy

  ‘Little Doll’, The Stooges

  ‘Moonlight Mile’, The Rolling Stones

  ‘Fire And Brimstone’, Link Wray

  ‘Everything Is Free’, Gillian Welch

  ‘Witchy Woman’, The Eagles

  ‘The Chain’, Fleetwood Mac

  ‘Don’t Want To Know’, John Martyn

  ‘Journey In Satchidananda’, Alice Coltrane

  ‘They Say I’m Different’, Betty Davis