Arissa's Destiny (Redemption Trilogy)

by Amanda Daul

  A cold rush washed over Arissa as she took in his words, repeating them to herself several times. When he had told her of the General’s bizarre decision to eliminate all other lawful entities besides himself, the fact that all marriages would be dissolved had not even occurred to her.

  Though she had tried to convince herself not to, she did feel guilty about leaving Cayl. She knew he loved her, perhaps too much for his own good, but they didn’t belong together anymore. Her feelings for Cayl had diminished, she had realized and accepted that a long time ago, but she still felt attached to him, simply because of the bonds of marriage. Now that was gone and instead of feeling upset like she knew she should...she felt relieved. It made her feel even worse inside.

  “Arissa?”

  Not knowing how much time had passed, only now did she remember she wasn’t alone. Trax’s grip was back on her wrist and his voice was more worried than Arissa wanted to hear.

  She shook her head quickly as if to clear it. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course, it matters! We’re not talking about the weather conditions, Arissa, this is your marriage! You may have walked away from him, but as far as you knew, you were still married. I would think you would at least be sad that the commitment you’ve spent ten years in is now gone. There’s something you’re not telling me and it’s bothering you. I know because I’ve worn that look on my face, too, Arissa,” he urged. “Personally, I don’t think Cayl even deserved someone like you in the first place, but your life together still meant something and I don’t want you feeling guilty or anything else other than relief about this, if that is what you want!”

  “Why do you even care?”

  “Why don’t you?” he fired back just as harshly.

  “Don’t tell me I don’t care about my family! Cayl and I may be over and I may not be as devastated as I should be about this, but that doesn’t mean I stopped caring! What he and I had was...complicated and...so messed up. You don’t understand!”

  “Then help me to!” Their words had been exchanged so rapidly that she could feel tension rising between them. His darkened eyes burned in the low light of the setting sun and his breath was quicker than it had been a few moments ago.

  Arissa could feel herself trembling, dangerously close to tears caused by frustration and tension and the utter emotional strain of the argument. She didn’t know what she wanted, because what she needed she couldn’t allow herself to have.

  “I am not doing this, Trax...” she choked out, intending to turn abruptly and storm away. Far enough that she could let down the wall holding back the flood of impending tears and nobody could hear her. She wanted to let go.

  He didn’t physically stop her this time, but she had only taken three quick steps before his shouted words halted her. “Where are you going to go, Arissa? Are you going to run away all your life? You can’t! Sometimes you have to stand and fight, you know that! You’re afraid of what could happen if you just let yourself feel for once!”

  “You don’t know anything about me, so don’t pretend like you care!” she yelled back, not turning around because she didn’t trust that the moisture in her eyes wasn’t visible.

  “I know that you’re hurting. You’re trying to hide everything behind your walls and you’re scared because you can feel those walls breaking as we speak. Love and trust have been so rare in your life that the possibility of it is terrifying you!”

  She was shaking her head, but all it did was encourage the pooling tears in her eyes to fall onto her cheeks. “You’re wrong.”

  Neither had moved. “Then prove it! I recognize a broken heart when I see one, Arissa.”

  She wanted to scream, but she was afraid that if she raised her voice any higher than the slightly pitched tone she possessed now, it would reveal too much of her inner turmoil. Of course, the fresh track of tears on her face might have already given that away. The last streams of the settling sun caught the dampness of her bronzed skin, highlighting the tears like diamonds when she turned sharply to face Trax. Her dark hair whipped around her, several strands getting tangled over her eyes, but she didn’t bother to fix them.

  “What do you want from me?” she shouted as loudly as she could without it reaching the rest of the camp that she had completely forgotten about. “Why are you so obsessed with convincing me of something that I already know?”

  “If you know it, then what is so hard about accepting it? You’re torturing yourself, Arissa and it kills me to watch you do it, because whether you believe me or not, you have become more important to me than either of us wished. I do care about you.” It was evident that he was trying to keep his voice somewhat reasonable as well, but even with the short distance between them, she could hear his heavy breathing. She had been too worried about keeping her own voice reasonable that she had neglected to hear the undeniable concern in his voice.

  He was telling the truth. There was no way he was faking the sheer sincerity in his eyes, his posture as he leaned invitingly toward her, as if he wanted to advance, but didn’t. How had she not heard it until now? She probably had, but had spent too much energy convincing herself that she didn’t notice.

  What the hell was wrong with her? She did not get this upset, she did not let herself get so caught up in ridiculously confusing situations that it drove her insane simply trying to sort it out. All she was accomplishing was making herself sick.

  “Something is hurting you,” Trax stated, confidently. “You don’t have to hide from me anymore, Arissa.”

  She was crying. Silent tears were flowing profusely over her face and she didn’t even try to stop it. Her shaded eyes locked on Trax’s blue gaze and read nothing except longing in his expression. It only caused an extra flood of tears to surge forward. Nobody had ever seen her cry before.

  “I can’t.” Her words sounded strangled as she at least attempted to pull back the overwhelming urge to break into sobs, but the frustration was only builder up faster.

  In one smooth instant, Trax closed the space between them again and he was gripping her wrist with one hand while he raised the other gently to her face, lightly brushing away the tears that were still cutting through the dust from the day’s travel. His words were little more than a whisper, “You can trust me. I swore my allegiance to you once, Arissa, and I stand by it now. I will do anything within my power to help you, if it is what you wish. You needn’t doubt that.”

  She hated him for pushing her this far into the conversation, but at the same time, all she could feel was the soothing way his touch felt on her skin and how she just wanted to sink into that strong feeling of safety.

  Trax wasn’t lying. Could his attraction to her explain the inexplicable emotions she had constantly been feeling around him? She had wanted to deny it simply for the sake of not having to confront it, but now she had no choice. Now, she was far too deep and it felt like she may never be able to climb out.

  Her marriage was over. She had left Cayl before she had even known that, but Trax was not the reason. The last thing she needed to be worrying about right now was the current state of her relationships, but something was telling her that Trax was not going to let this go until she cooperated, and suddenly, she wanted to. Not so the conversation could be over, but because Trax deserved to know.

  He had been right about so much, maybe she did need to take a major leap of faith and let herself trust him. She couldn’t allow herself to think anything else about him beyond that. Not yet.

  “You want to know?” she asked, bitterly, her teeth nearly chattering from the strain of holding back. “I’ll tell you.”

  Arissa punctuated her words by quickly swiping away his hand so that their contact broke. Immediately, she felt colder and less comforted and the feeling of extreme loneliness only urged her to spit out the words she had kept a secret for over ten years. It was the one truth that she had told no other person since the day it had happened. She didn’t entirely understand it, yet it explained so much. The thought that
Trax was the first to hear it echoed around in her mind, distractingly.

  She took a huge breath first, forcing herself to keep her eyes trained on his as he waited. Her heart was pounding painfully hard against her ribs with anticipation, but it was harder than she had expected to say the actual words. It took a moment, but suddenly she heard the words herself before she realized they had fallen from her lips.

  “I never wanted to marry Cayl. I didn’t choose it, I was forced to marry him and I don’t even know why.”

  He didn’t answer, only replied with a confused and equally apprehensive look before she continued. She had to talk before her brain kicked in and told her to shut up before she could bare the most personal secret she had held onto for so many years to the one man she did not want to be feeling this way about.

  “We met in the General’s prison, eleven years ago. It was before I worked for the General and I was captured and arrested. He was in the cell next to me on an assault charge. I thought I was going to die in the morning so I didn’t bother finding out who he was, but then he started talking to me.

  “Not long after, I met with the General and that’s when he told me that the only way to spare my life was to work for him, because he knew what I was capable of. I told him he had to release Cayl as well, because a part of me couldn’t leave an innocent in the General’s grasp. I don’t know why or what made him do it, but the only way he allowed either of us to walk out of the reformatories was if I agreed to marry him. He knew that Cayl had taken interest in me immediately and it wasn’t long before we were married and given the house in Daer.”

  Even as she heard her own words, she knew it explained nothing, but so much at the same time. It made her even more confused and the clouded, concentrated look on Trax’s face read the same.

  “You didn’t marry him because you wanted to,” he mused quietly and disbelieving.

  She shook her head, slowly. “I never loved Cayl. I grew to depend on him in a way, but it was never real to me. I was just a pawn in another one of the General’s ploys.”

  “And Cayl played along?”

  Another heavy pause. They were still within reach, but since Arissa had swatted away his hand, he had not advanced since. The air around them was thick, though, and every time she met his eyes, she felt a bit lighter as everything around them seemed to fade.

  “Cayl doesn’t know.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “As far as he knows, I fell in love with him when I saw him in the cell next to me and it was a somewhat happily ever after for us. That is, if you don’t take into account that I killed people for a living and it took a few years for me to even tolerate Cayl. He’s a good man, Trax, and he loves his family. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth,” her voice dropped noticeably. Arissa wanted to be angry, it was the easiest way for her to cover the true emotion in her words, but she lacked the energy to remain visibly upset. “I couldn’t even if I had wanted to. The General forbade me from telling anyone the truth of our marriage. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

  “I...I don’t understand,” Trax eventually replied, looking completely lost in bewilderment.

  “Neither do I.”

  She felt cold, but oddly relieved. Like she had just told Trax, the secret of her marriage and the threat attached to it had been weighing on her for over ten years. It had taken a long time for her to be able to forget that the marriage she had to play along in meant absolutely nothing. She had never even wanted to get married or have children, because she knew the world they lived in was not the type of place where families belonged. She was better off alone, but Cayl had loved her so completely that all she ever felt was guilt.

  Trax was still trying to put together words. “Why would the General want you to marry Cayl? They didn’t even know each other, did they?”

  Arissa shook her head. “It was the first time I met either of them. If there was a connection, I didn’t know about it. All I knew was that it was the only way to save both of our lives and I’ve had to let Cayl think I’m idiotically in love with him ever since.”

  “What about Janelle?” He spoke with caution, obviously remembering the way Arissa had reacted the last time he had mentioned her secret daughter by name, but this time she didn’t explode the way she had then. She only clenched her teeth together for a moment, inhaling sharply to prevent the flow of tears from becoming any heavier.

  “I never wanted to be a mother. I couldn’t. Not the way I lived. Janelle was very unexpected and keeping her a secret nearly killed me, but I couldn’t let anything happen to her because of me.” Another tear slipped from each eye. It seemed now that she had finally let herself feel, the flood of emotion wouldn’t stop. “I don’t even know my own daughter, Trax.”

  He looked like he wanted to comfort her in some way, but knew better than to advance again. When Arissa turned away, simply to have a moment to breathe deeply and swipe quickly at her eyes, he seemed to ghost behind her, hesitantly. They now stood on the edge of a high embankment, smooth white trees surrounding them. Arissa leaned her palm against one and continued breathing evenly, not exactly sure how to advance.

  This entire conversation with Trax had been everything she didn’t want to face thrown at her at one time. The truth about her marriage, all of the apprehension and remorse she had felt ever since Janelle was born and her annoyingly persistent feelings for Trax that he apparently reciprocated...

  She wanted to run.

  Trax was right, though. Where was she going to run to? She had walked out on the only excuse of a home she had ever had, they were perhaps hours away from finding the General again and she had absolutely no clue how to handle it. Everything was falling apart around her suddenly and it was like all of the horrors of her life were rushing forward and she needed to say them for the first time ever. Voicing them aloud was something she never thought she would be able to do, but now the dark haired, assertive and completely unpredictable man at her side was the one drawing them out from her.

  Her life was a complete disaster.

  “You may not want to hear this, love, but I do understand what you must be feeling. The sense of loss.”

  “No, you don’t,” she retorted, too quickly. She sounded more sad than angry. “You don’t know what it’s like to be alone all your life and just when you finally have something to cling to, you have to give up and walk away from everything you’ve ever had. I’ve spent my entire life with so much pain and anger and humiliation and more pain, that one day you just cannot live another day feeling this way. A very long time ago, after the death of my family and the only friend I ever knew, I vowed to never let myself care about anything and anyone ever again. When you love something so much that you’re afraid to lose it, that makes you vulnerable and weak and I couldn’t be.”

  They were still in sight of the path, but it had remained vacant and empty since their conversation had started. It felt like hours ago. She couldn’t look at Trax this time as she spoke. Revealing her darkest feelings and fears made her feel extremely exposed, but she was tired of battling the wars in her head anymore. She wanted it to stop, and if facing it was the only way to do that, she would rather just get it over with, whatever the outcome.

  Her breath was shaking again, but at least she was able to keep her tears at bay. “No matter what I feel, Trax, for you or Janelle or anybody else...I can’t let myself love. I never have been able to. So, no, I seriously doubt you know what it’s like to have to lie to your own family every day and not even allow yourself to love your own daughter because you’re too afraid of love hurting you again, like it always does.”

  Biting her lip, Arissa was silently pretending she had just imagined actually speaking the words. Speaking them out loud had made it too real, confirming what she had not fully accepted for years.

  Love? Is that what she just said? She had basically just told Trax she could be in love with him if she wasn’t so insanely messed up, but was that true? Was that what that
unexplainable reaction she had been feeling for him ever since she had met him? Beneath his attractive features and everything she hated about him, there was still that one lingering sense that always pulled her to him. Maybe the reason she had hated being around him so much was because on some level, she had known it had been attraction and she had subconsciously pushed it away before she realized it.

  She was even more messed up than she had thought she was an hour ago.

  Only then, minutes after her last words, did she finally look up from the blank area in the darkness that her eyes had been pointlessly trained on. A subtle flicker to her right caught her eye and she swivelled quickly with a gasp in her throat to see Trax had retreated several paces behind her, a small fire lit before him. It was only bright enough to illuminate a few feet around, but wasn’t visible through the dense trees surrounding them. The fluttering orange light drew out every angle and scar on Trax’s skin as he knelt on one knee next to the flames, not acknowledging Arissa at all even when she shuffled over enough to be standing within the heat of the fire. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest, the filmy sleeves of her dark undershirt slipping against each other whenever she moved. She still wore the heavy, dark leather apparel she had brought from the house in Daer and Trax was always dressed similarly.

  No one spoke, but it wasn’t awkward. Actually, Arissa could physically feel that the tension between them had decreased drastically since her surprising, startling and depressing declaration. Still, she felt too ashamed to look at him, even when he rose to his full height and spoke her name, quietly. He repeated it, without moving, but this time his voice was strained, sounding so pained with constrained emotion, that she couldn’t help but to flick her gaze up enough to see him through her damp lashes.