The Order of Nature

by Josh Scheinert

  “You’re going to make me take my shoes off?”

  Andrew turned slowly before walking to meet him. They made their way mostly in silence in an attempt to put off the conversation neither was particularly keen on having.

  “How was work this week?” Andrew asked.

  “It was fine,” Thomas answered. “The same really. Not many guests.”

  “That’s good, I guess.”

  “Yes. And your students? They behaved?”

  “Yeah.”

  When they arrived at their spot it was empty as usual. Andrew began to sit as Thomas stepped out to the water, turning his head side to side on alert, staring out into the dark night.

  “No one’s here,” Andrew said as he walked up, gently taking Thomas’s hand into his. “There’s no one out now. Let’s sit down.” He wasn’t trying to be reckless, and he was secretly happy Thomas was being extra vigilant. But he also just wanted to relax, even if it meant letting his guard down, if only to ready himself for the conversation he knew they were about to have.

  Thomas started. He said he thought they needed to be more careful. The whole population was consumed with who the other members of the LGBT group were. On television, radio, and in newspaper articles, everyone was speculating about who they might be, where they might be hiding, and who was supporting them. “And even though they say there were other gay groups in Africa supporting them, people are also very suspicious about support from the West.”

  Thomas worried in this climate of heightened suspicion, he and Andrew were at a bigger risk than before.

  “Some person can see us walking together and decide they don’t like how we look. They could report us to the police and that would be it. You could be this Westerner bringing homosexuality, or at least coming to support our gay-rights groups.”

  Andrew questioned how realistic something like that actually was. “It seems far fetched to me. You said yourself, about my little screw-up, that we needed to separate the real threats from fake ones.”

  “You’re right. And maybe some months ago I would agree with you. Back then I also would question someone who said that this was a country where your neighbors would turn you into the police. But now I’m not so sure.”

  “Apparently the organization Liv was talking about, Pure Gambia, has a sign in front of the house.”

  “I’ve seen it. I pass it on my way to and from work. It says in big black letters, KEEP OUR COUNTRY PURE. Underneath it says PURE GAMBIA – AN ORGANIZATION OF CONCERNED CITIZENS.”

  “So we’ll be more careful,” Andrew announced resolutely. “But I don’t know how we can be more careful. We’re only in public twice a week – on Fridays I’m sitting at the bar like a customer and on Sundays we play soccer. We’ve agreed there’s nothing risky about that. Unless you’ve changed your mind.”

  “I don’t think we should come back here,” Thomas said, looking around at their surroundings. Andrew’s face turned surprised. “At least not at night, when it’s dark and us being here is more suspicious. Wandering along after playing football is one thing, but like this, I don’t think it’s smart when everyone is so alarmed.”

  “Okay,” Andrew said. Thomas’s seriousness was making him nervous. Maybe he himself had become less aware of what was around him.

  Thomas looked at Andrew through long eyes before apologizing. “I’m sorry I have put you into this mess.” It was the first time Andrew saw him looking sad.

  “You didn’t,” he said before thinking to himself for a second. “And it’s not a mess,” he wanted to believe. “At least not between us.”

  Andrew, seeing how distressed Thomas was, thought to reassure him. Impulsively, he decided to tell him something he hadn’t been planning on telling him yet, because it wasn’t for sure. “I asked Mr. Jalloh about staying another year.”

  Thomas didn’t immediately react. His face wore no emotion as he processed what Andrew had just disclosed.

  “He was very happy to hear I was thinking about it. He said I was doing a great job and the school would certainly take me back. But he wanted to speak to Haddy at the placement organization about maybe finding me a role with more responsibility, for at least part of the time, on things like curriculum development for more than just one school.”

  With Thomas still slow to react, it didn’t take much for Andrew to sense how surprised he was. “You weren’t expecting this were you?”

  “No. Not at all,” he said, still keeping his emotions in check while they sorted themselves out.

  Andrew wasn’t sure he was going to stay. He explained that regardless of what happened, he had to go home over the summer and see his family. It was the only way he could pull it off. But the thought of moving home permanently frightened him.

  “I just wouldn’t want to be alone like that. I’ve done it before already. I don’t need to do it again.” He liked being there. “With you.”

  When Thomas’s reaction didn’t manifest into outward exuberance, Andrew grew suspicious. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong. Honestly, I’m thrilled.” He said, though still not showing it. “Nothing would make me happier. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this lucky. I don’t want you to go, and the thought of being alone isn’t one I want to think about either,” he said through a guarded expression. “But if you stay, then what?”

  “What do you mean then what?”

  “You will again stay for another year? Or you will go home then? And when you come back after the summer, if things are worse than they are now?”

  Andrew hadn’t thought about any of that. Nor did he particularly want to. At least not then.

  “For the past while I started to prepare my mind for us to say goodbye. As difficult as that may be to think about, I think, at least for me, it’s important. When we’re together it is the greatest thing I can ask for. But that’s also why I have to keep in my mind that you will leave one day. Because if I don’t, when you do leave – and you will,” Thomas paused, “it would be too difficult for me to handle if it came out of nowhere.”

  Andrew nodded slowly to demonstrate he was paying attention, while he thought about what Thomas was saying, what it all meant.

  “You can’t stay here forever can you?” Thomas asked gently. “Okay, so maybe you will stay a little bit longer, but still, you have to leave, right? And I have to remain behind. Maybe this is being too negative? I’m not sure.”

  Andrew’s face turned blank.

  “What if something happens to you?” Thomas asked.

  “What about if something happened to you?” Andrew shot back defensively. It bothered him how Thomas felt he needed to protect him, as if he wasn’t able to on his own.

  “This is my country, Andrew. It’s my life, and I have no choice but to continue trying to live it the way I can in this place. I can’t get on a plane and fly away someplace safe. But you can,” he said earnestly. “You don’t have to be trapped in this craziness. And if you stay, because of me, and something should happen to you when you could be safe at home in America, I’m not sure I would ever forgive myself for it.”

  He stared up at Andrew and his face looked strained and torn. His eyes welled up. Andrew saw him look out towards the sea to hide them from him while he brought his knees to his chest and his chin to his knees for a moment, as if to steady himself and stop himself from crying.

  Andrew reached over and took Thomas’s hand but still said nothing. Their hands fit perfectly into each other’s. Both their heads were rested up against the earth and faced out. Shimmering waves rocked in and out, illuminated by the moonlight. The sound of them crashing into the sand carried directly towards the two of them, and together with the wind, disturbed the otherwise silent night. Andrew was listening intently, trying to find words to say next when Thomas spoke.

  “I love you, Andrew.”

  “I love you too.”

  It was late when Andrew got home. He and Thomas continued sitting for some time before they
each started dozing off and realized it was time to go before they fell asleep. He was hyper and tingly as he tiptoed into his dark house and made his way quietly to his room. He shut the door and fell onto his bed. On the one hand, he and Thomas had resolved nothing. On the other, he thought to himself, didn’t they just resolve everything?

  He knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep as he was, so he opened his computer and logged into Skype. Lindsay’s mood with her brother ebbed and flowed with time. Some of their conversations were normal, as they’d been before Thomas entered the picture. She was again his big sister. He was the little brother. They joked about their parents and friends, coworkers, and whatever stupid story was in the news. He told her about adventures he was having – day or overnight trips to different parts of the country. She was jealous he spotted hippos on a boat trip up the River Gambia.

  “Go to the zoo,” he suggested snarkily.

  He treaded a fine line during those conversations. Andrew tried not to bring up Thomas. His sister didn’t ask about him directly either, and only made a vague inquiry checking up that things were going okay, probably, he figured, because she didn’t want to be rude. But there were certain times when she couldn’t resist and followed up her question asking what he and Thomas had done together lately. The answer, and she knew this, was always the same. They’d spent Friday evening at the bar, Andrew pretending to be a patron, followed by a walk up the beach where they sat together for a while. On Sunday they spent a bit of time together at the beach, occasionally going for a swim before playing soccer and pretending to be friends. And then again they walked up the beach and sat alone against the rocks. If Thomas came by to watch a movie, he’d also tell her that.

  Lindsay used the monotony of their relationship to advance her displeasure. She was happy Andrew was finally beginning to fall for someone, a feeling Andrew believed was genuine. But shouldn’t the way they had to conduct themselves indicate that the relationship couldn’t work? What are you expecting?

  But Andrew didn’t care anymore after that night. He was in love and he could think of no one he felt he needed to tell more than his sister. And despite whatever disapproval she harbored towards his relationship with Thomas, she’d want to hear it too.

  He was right. It was as if she knew what he was going to say, and as soon as he started telling her he loved Thomas and that they’d said I love you to each other, she broke out into the big-sister smile.

  “I know you don’t approve, Linds,” he said, wanting to mollify whatever inclination she might’ve had to interject.

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for you, though,” she said in a way that made Andrew feel like she was in the room with him instead of his screen.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  “Who said it first?”

  “He did.”

  “And how did it happen? Was this just today?”

  “Yeah, it was just now. It was nothing crazy,” he said. “We were sitting on the beach where we usually do, having a conversation. There was a pause. He told me he loved me. I said it back,” he continued, omitting the tense build up. “There was no dramatic announcement or anything, just an affirmation really,” he added, slightly fudging the story to better suit her. “It was a relief to finally get it out.”

  “I’m sure. It was quick, too! Jeff took over a year to tell me he loved me.”

  “You were younger.”

  “True.”

  “And, I don’t know, I think we both kind of knew it. Things are kind of getting a bit intense maybe.”

  “But Andrew, it’s May already.” She hesitated. “You’re supposed to come home at the end of July.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you?”

  He must’ve paused for a second too long.

  “You’re thinking of staying,” she said, as if she was piecing together a puzzle.

  “I’m not sure. I might want to.” He could see her expression changing.

  “Andrew, you can’t move to Gambia and marry him.”

  “We can’t move to the States and get married either.”

  “Touché. But you know what I mean.”

  “I do.”

  Andrew was also excited to share what happened with Alex. But when he walked out of his bedroom the next morning before he could say anything, Alex asked him if he wanted to take a trip for a week.

  “Where?”

  “I think Sierra Leone. I was talking to Liv about it. Before I go back to the U.S. at the end of the month. It would be a fun last hurrah. They have beaches that are supposed to be gorgeous, nicer than here. We could go, find cheap places to stay. Eat seafood, swim, have a good time.” He presented it like a no-brainer.

  “Okay. Sure,” Andrew answered without giving it a thought. “Count me in.”

  “Great. Do you want to invite Thomas?”

  “What?”

  “Yeah. Bring Thomas. It might be a good escape. I mentioned the idea to Liv. At first she didn’t think it was a good one, obviously, but now she’s cool with it.” Alex saw Andrew’s skepticism. “You don’t have to bring him, but no one’s suspecting anything – we’d be a group of four, two Americas, a Brit, and a Gambian. We can say we all work together. And none of the shit that goes on here goes on there.”

  As Alex spoke Andrew was thinking. He wasn’t convinced it made total sense. But maybe it made just enough sense.

  19

  Andrew sent Thomas a text the next day.

  Alex and Liv are going to Sierra Leone. Want to go with?

  Thomas normally responded quickly to Andrew’s texts, but after half an hour there was still no answer. Like Andrew, he was initially hard-pressed to imagine how traveling together in public might be a good idea. He didn’t know anything about Sierra Leone and its attitudes towards homosexuality, but doubted that anywhere in West Africa would offer them a welcoming environment. When he lay in bed or daydreamed behind the bar and imagined them somewhere else, it was never in Africa. They were always somewhere far away, where he knew he’d never have to look back over his shoulder. But when was that ever going to happen? This might be their only break from the tiresome routine of masking their relationship. Thomas would finally be away from his family’s reach, even though they’d have to come up with an excuse. Surely they could come up with something? He started warming to the idea. An hour after Andrew sent his text he got a reply.

  Yes. I would :-)

  Thomas told his boss a relative had fallen ill and he needed to return with his family to their village. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. His boss didn’t think twice about it and gave him the week off. Thomas decided it would be best not to tell his family at all that he was leaving. They would leave on a Monday and come back Saturday. He would be back in time to visit his family the next day if he needed. After a few days he would email his brother pretending his mobile was broken to explain any ignored messages. It was the most believable idea he could come up with.

  They planned to spend their first night in Freetown, the capital city, before moving to some of the nearby beaches. Sierra Leone’s beaches were unspoiled, devoid of Gambia’s mass-packaged tourism. If anyone asked, they would tell the truth – the four of them had become close friends in Gambia and decided to travel together before Alex returned home. It was highly unlikely, they thought, anyone would suspect two of them were an interracial same-sex couple. The concept was too foreign to register with anyone who wasn’t already suspicious. And they were right. For five days Andrew and Thomas would be just two people. No one would know them or pay them any attention. For the first time they were gifted with true anonymity and the privacy that came with it.

  When the plane door opened in Freetown, Andrew turned across the aisle to Thomas, put his head back against the headrest and let off a subtle smile. He turned back to Alex and Liv, and smiled at them. Across the aisle, the moment hit Thomas even harder. It was, like so much in his life, bittersweet. Just like the teenage boy on the back of a motorbike l
eaving the mud-trailed village, Thomas’s pursuit of love meant being someplace else. He wondered to himself how far he’d have to go one day to truly be free, and if he’d ever succeed in getting there.

  The four of them made their way from the city’s island airport to the mainland via ferry. As they approached land, the horizon revealed a stark change from the flatness and empty space of Gambia. They sailed over dark blue water towards a lush, green mountainside, at whose base sat a city of tightly packed buildings, roofs of corrugated iron seemingly stuck together into one. The anticipation and excitement built as they grew nearer.

  In Freetown they navigated jam-packed streets – motorbikes, cars, vans, pedestrians, and vendors competed for limited space and blurred the line between street and sidewalk. Carts and trays of DVDs, sunglasses, and currency traders popped up everywhere, creating a zig-zag effect for those trying to get by. Music blared, like in Gambia it was local Afro hip hop, but here it competed with constant car horns enhancing an already dizzying pace of life. Together, it was all simultaneously disorienting, exhausting, and overwhelming. But for Thomas, it was also liberating. The pace and congestion of life on the streets swallowed them up and hid them.

  Crawling through the Freetown traffic, Thomas was amazed at the differences between the Gambian capital and Freetown. The sheer volume got to him, never-ending cars made driving and crossing roads potentially treacherous. Making one’s way on foot required strong shoulders to withstand the inevitable brush ups with people pushing through the other way. The buildings framing this picture were worn and pockmarked. Fifteen years after Sierra Leone’s civil war ended, Freetown still bore the mark of fresh wounds. Selfishly, Thomas was relieved. As underdeveloped as he thought his home was, the chaos around him reassured him it was not as exceptional as he once believed.

  They arrived at their small guesthouse without incident. The middle-aged woman behind the broken-down desk didn’t flinch as she reached for a room key hanging from the wall before handing it to Thomas. The four of them walked up two flights of creaking stairs and parted ways down a narrow, poorly lit hallway. Thomas and Andrew found their room silently. Thomas opened the door and Andrew followed him in before he closed it, sliding the deadbolt through. The noise from the street, still present, slowly receded as they stood motionless, surveying pale and mismatched furnishings and upholstery, slightly dusty, giving the room a distinct smell of neglect. Andrew moved closer to Thomas and paused for a brief second before they embraced and fell on top of one another on one of the room’s two beds.