Destiny (Waiting for Forever)

by Mayfield, Jamie

  “But if you don’t know the guy that you’re… working with, how can you have that kind of connection?”

  “I don’t need a connection. If I’m not into the guy, I just think about someone I am into, like you,” he said with a wink. “Once I’m hard, I do what the director tells me, get off, and go home.”

  “You mean there’s a guy standing there telling you how to have sex?”

  “Sometimes he tells you what to do during a scene. Usually he tells you what to do before the scene starts. If you screw something up or he doesn’t like it, he’ll cut the scene, but generally you just go until you both come,” he said matter-of-factly, with that same casual attitude.

  “And can you?” I asked, feeling a little stupid for my lack of knowledge. Aside from that few minutes watching it on Richard’s computer with Jamie, I’d never sat and watched porn.

  “Can I what? Get off?” Mike asked, and when I nodded, he started to laugh. “Sure I can. I like sex. I get paid for sex. It’s a win-win for me.” He winked, and I saw the underlying tension in his face. He was only partially kidding.

  One question burned inside me as we fell silent in the Jeep. I thought about Richard and Carolyn, about that small, dumpy town I would be going back to. I thought about Leo and all my friends at the boardinghouse. Finally, I thought about Jamie, lost and desperate, trying to fight his way through life all alone, and that question bubbled out of my mouth before I could stop it.

  “Do you think I could do it?”

  If we hadn’t been stopped at a red light, I’m sure Mike would have crashed into the car in front of him, because he turned to gape at me. He didn’t speak; he just stared at me in shock. When the car behind him laid on its horn, Mike finally turned his attention back to the road and kept driving.

  “Brian, we didn’t bring you on this road trip to try and convince you to do porn,” Mike said slowly, his eyes not leaving the pavement just ahead of the Jeep. “In fact, I’m surprised that Em even let it slip, as scared as he was for you to find out.”

  “Why was he scared for me to find out?” I asked, not sure what that had to do with the conversation we were having.

  “Because you were always so uptight about sex,” he said gently. “I don’t think you’ve realized just how much you’ve changed since you’ve been with us, Brian. You never laughed at our dirty jokes, you’d hide whenever someone flirted with you, and your face was almost constantly red. I thought you might actually have a permanent blush.” Mike laughed, but his eyes were serious. “Em and I were both afraid that you’d find out about the porn. Especially me, since we started hooking up. I should have told you, I know that. I just couldn’t stand the thought of us not being friends.”

  “You guys are my friends.” The truth of that simple statement filled my chest as I said it. Mike and Emilio had been there for me since my very first week at the boardinghouse. They had helped me, cared about me, and taught me things about myself I may have never known otherwise.

  THE rest of the weekend seemed to drag as we talked about the pros and cons of me applying to work with Nick Hartley, the guy who ran the porn studio where Mike and Emilio worked. When I got back to the house, I talked to almost every guy in the house, including Leo. No one seemed to want to advise me, but each time I thought about getting back on that bus, the decision became easier. I kept searching for a job but came up empty.

  Finally, on the last day of April, as I was putting my last bit of rent money into an envelope for Leo, I decided I didn’t want to go back to Alabama, and with Mike and Emilio’s help, I would make one last ditch effort to stay. I would apply to work for Hartley.

  With sweaty palms, I watched Mike dial the phone. I could feel the blood pounding in my ears as I sat on the arm of a chair in the common room. Emilio soothingly stroked my leg as he talked to Mike, saying words I didn’t pay much attention to. My focus remained on waiting for Hartley to pick up.

  “Hey, Nick, it’s Mike Burrows. I got your e-mail,” he said, sounding more professional than I had ever heard him. Mike listened for a while, nodding as he scribbled on a piece of paper. “Yeah, we can do that. Then you just want me to send you an e-mail and let you know when we submit the stuff?” He listened a little longer and then said good-bye. He hit the end button on his phone and looked up at me.

  “He wants us to go ahead and submit the application through the website but call him to let him know when it’s there so he can pull it to look at himself.”

  “So, what do we have to do?” I asked, feeling a little better with the conversation over.

  “Let’s go up to your room. Em will bring his camera,” Mike said as he stood up and grabbed my hand. “We’re going to fill out the app, take some pictures, and see what happens.”

  I swallowed back the fear and squeezed his hand as he led me upstairs.

  “I’ve got the camera and Pete’s tape measure,” Emilio said as he opened the door to my room and stepped inside. “Do you want to do pictures first, or….”

  “Tape measure?” I asked as a parade of butterflies on steroids bounced around my stomach.

  “Yeah, baby, we just need to take some of your measurements for the application,” Emilio told me, his voice carefully easy.

  “Good call, I’d forgotten about that,” Mike said. “Let’s do what we can of the app first while we get him ready. I’ll type.” Emilio instantly began to bounce and clap. I looked at him as if he’d lost his mind.

  “You need to be hard in your pictures,” Emilio explained. “If Mike’s typing, that means I get to play with you and get you all ready.” My eyes widened, and I swallowed hard. I guess if I was going to have sex with other guys, Emilio touching me would have to be okay. If I couldn’t do that, there was no way I would be able to work for Hartley. I nodded, and he leaned forward, putting his hand on my cheek.

  “That’s a good boy,” he whispered against my lips just before he kissed me. The taste of chocolate and his morning coffee filled my mouth. The slow, erotic kiss made my body tingle, delicious anticipation igniting a fire in my belly.

  It died somewhat when I remembered why we were playing. I was applying to be a gay porn star.

  Twelve

  I HAD not expected the porn studio to be a house.

  When Mike pulled up into the huge circular driveway of a large house about twenty minutes outside the city, I thought maybe we were at Hartley’s home, because it looked like a place where movie stars might live. Lush, green trees encircled by rust-colored rocks lined the brick walkway that led up to the house. The low porch extended out several feet from the darkly varnished door, and the pale wood gleamed in the light. Six horizontal windows covered in individual bamboo shades ran nearly the entire height and width of the entryway. Floor-to-ceiling windows next to the door were thrown open to catch the spring breeze. The house itself was the color of hot desert sand.

  “I thought I was going to do a solo scene?” I asked as Mike opened his door and started to get out.

  “You are. Why, are you getting cold feet?” he asked, the concern in his voice touching me. No matter what happened, whether or not I jacked off on camera or I had sex with another guy, Mike would stand by me.

  “No, but it’s…. Whose house is this?”

  “It’s not someone’s house; this is where we film. There are a bunch of bedrooms set up for scenes and a pool in the backyard where they shoot stills. I’ve even had a few scenes back there.”

  As we approached the house, a guy rounded the corner from the backyard wearing nothing but a pair of cutoff shorts and sandals. The world seemed to stop spinning for a moment to watch. His golden skin, the color of warm honey, glimmered in the early morning sun, and his blond hair clung to his head. He looked like he’d either stepped out of a pool or a centerfold, because he was gorgeous.

  “Hey, Brandon,” Mike said with a casual wave.

  “Hey, Corey!” I looked around to see who the guy was talking to, then realized that “Corey” must be Mike’s porn na
me. I’d been so preoccupied with the pictures on his profile that I hadn’t noticed the name. “Is it bring-your-kid-brother-to-work day?”

  Mike snickered. “Nah, he’s here to audition for Nick, and I’ve got a shoot with the new kid. Taylor, I think,” Mike said as he opened the door and gestured for me to go in. Brandon followed us into a large, open living room where a couple of guys were playing video games on a huge flat screen that hung on the wall just above an unused fireplace.

  The guys lounged on leather theater-style seats, and other, smaller leather chairs were scattered around a low table where the players propped their bare feet.

  “Hey, Corey,” one of the guys said, glancing over for a second while the game loaded a different scene.

  “Hey, guys. Nick upstairs?” Mike asked, not wasting any time on pleasantries.

  “I think he’s in the kitchen.” The two guys, one with jet-black hair and broad shoulders, the other slender with long blond hair, barely noticed we were standing there. A third with close-cropped brown hair looked massive and almost too big for the chair he sat reading in. When I looked closer, I saw two white buds in his ears, their wires almost invisible against his white T-shirt.

  Mike reached back and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the room. When we got into the kitchen, I saw a man sitting at the breakfast bar, dressed casually in a T-shirt and cargo shorts. Something on the screen of a laptop held his attention. As we got closer, I heard low moaning coming from the machine and realized what it was.

  “Hey, Nick,” Mike said, dropping onto a stool across the bar from the man, and I stood next to him, not feeling comfortable enough to sit.

  “Hey, kid,” Nick said, clicking a wireless mouse to stop the video. “Dylan, Brandon, and Josh—hot scene.” He indicated the laptop. “Want to see?” Immediately, I shook my head. Watching the video would just remind me why I was standing in the freakishly expensive house with shaking hands and a racing pulse.

  “Maybe later. I think he’s a little nervous,” Mike said with a laugh, and Nick looked over at me.

  “You still up for this?” he asked seriously, his blue eyes boring into me. A slight sheen of sweat glistened on his high forehead, and he ran a hand through his thinning hair, revealing a large bald spot before he rubbed the hair back over it.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed, choking the word out of my suddenly dry mouth. He studied me, probably waiting for me to change my mind and leave.

  “Okay. You got a name?”

  “Brian,” I said automatically, and he smiled, leaning back away from the bar to reveal the front of his T-shirt, which read “All-Star Pitcher.”

  “No, kid, do you have a name you want to use on screen?”

  “Oh, I… I guess I hadn’t really thought about it.”

  Hartley opened up a window on his laptop and typed in a few things, scanning over every few entries like he was putting in stuff about me.

  “Danny is going to school to be a programmer, and he wrote this for me. It’s a pretty sweet little program. It takes the hair color and texture, eye color, and a few other characteristics of a guy and matches it up with a name. I think he uses an algorithm based on nationality and ethnicity, but it gives a list of five possible names. I like it because I’m sick of making up names.” The computer beeped, and he looked at the screen.

  “Okay,” he said. “Your choices are… Trent, Rudy, Thomas, Scott, and Taylor, but we already have a Taylor.”

  “I like Scott,” Mike offered, and out of that list, I agreed.

  “Sure, I’ll take Scott,” I said in almost a whisper, feeling very far away from my body. Some stranger had just helped me pick the name I would use when having sex on the Internet. I started to feel a little light-headed.

  “Take him up to the red room,” Nick told Mike. “He’s ready to shoot, right?”

  Mike must have understood what he meant by that. “He’s shooting a solo, so I didn’t go over douching with him. I figured we’d wait to see if he makes it through today,” Mike said, and the older man nodded.

  “I’ll be up in a few, and we’ll get started.”

  I was sure Mike could feel my trembling hand as he took it to lead me up the stairs. My heart pounded, and I wondered what Carolyn would think if she could see me. She would probably regret ever adopting me if she saw a video with me in it.

  I was risking everything.

  When we got up to the room, I saw the walls were painted a deep burgundy color. In the middle of the room sat a large bed with white sheets. Two cameras stood in the room; one near the end of the bed and one off to the right, while near the foot of the bed were large lights on stands. Ready to get it over with, I started to take off my shirt, but Mike stopped me.

  “They’re going to have you do that once the cameras are rolling,” he said quietly, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, putting my head between my knees.

  “Brian,” Mike said gently, kneeling in front of me on the cream-colored carpeting. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “Yeah, I do, because I don’t want to go back.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second, trying to center myself. I’d nearly forgotten those techniques Sensei taught me the year before. Opening my eyes again, I took Mike’s face between my hands and pulled him forward into a deep kiss. He moaned against my lips.

  “Yeah, just like that,” I whispered. “Make me want it.” Pushing off his knees, he stood slowly, not breaking the kiss. I leaned back on the bed, hitting the mattress as he crawled on top of me.

  “That feels good,” he groaned as I reached down and cupped his ass, holding him close, almost clinging to him.

  “Hey, if you’d rather do this than a solo, I’m good with that. He’s been tested?” Nick’s voice said over Mike’s shoulder, and Mike kissed me one more time before rolling off. I looked over to see Nick and another guy.

  “No, but I’m good with it. We can do that before the next shoot,” Mike assured him.

  “Hey, Julio,” I said, recognizing the guy from the door at the bar.

  “I have a scene with Taylor or Tyler or whatever his name is later today. I’m good, but I can’t film more than once a day, man,” Mike said, laughing as he crawled off the bed and stood near the camera.

  “Screw Taylor,” Nick said as Julio checked a camera with a grin on his face. “You’re a bigger draw, and this kid will be, too, if we can keep him from bolting. He’s adorable.”

  “You okay with this?” Mike asked quietly while the other two men set up the scene.

  “It will keep me distracted, focusing on you rather than the camera, and I’ll be less nervous. So, yeah, I’m okay with it,” I told him as the thought seared itself into my head: I was about to bang Mike on camera.

  “Okay, here’s what I want you to do. Start with kissing, so that Scott here feels more comfortable, then move on to oral. Doesn’t matter who goes first, just go with whatever feels more natural. Give Corey a good rimming and then do him. Scott has a great ass, so definitely missionary, then move to your hands and knees. Let’s hold off on riding him this time. Got it?” Nick asked Mike, sounding like he’d just ordered dinner rather than described an act of intimacy.

  “Brian, you know what he means by rimming, right?” Mike asked, and I nodded. Then he looked at Hartley. “I don’t think Brian’s ever done that before.”

  “It’s all right. If he freaks or doesn’t want to, we can cut and move to something else.”

  “How do you want us to start?”

  “Just sit on the edge of the bed and wait for me to give you the go. I think Julio is almost ready. Oh, and kid, make sure you take off the rubber to spend your load on Corey’s ass.”

  I just stared at him.

  Mike stroked me through my jeans while we waited for the cameras to roll. He whispered that he wanted to get me hard, to get me into it before things started, but no matter how much I tried to concentrate on the feeling of his hand, all I could see were the cameras. The lights came on, and I jumped, almos
t blinded by them.

  “Brian, you need to relax,” Mike said as he rubbed my back. “This isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.”

  I nodded, wanting to tell him that I understood, but no words would come out.

  “Nick, hang on a minute,” Mike called, holding his hand up toward Nick and Julio. They appeared to be ready to start.

  “What’s up?” Nick asked, coming over from where he had been instructing Julio.

  “Not our boy,” Mike said with a chuckle, and I glared at him.

  “Screw you,” I said as he got to his knees on the carpet in front of me.

  “That’s what we’re all hoping for,” he replied with a smirk as he reached for the button on my jeans. I pushed his hand away, and he grabbed it.

  “We’re not starting yet. I’m just going to fluff you and get you hard. Lie back and close your eyes. Don’t think about anything except the feeling of my mouth on you.”

  I looked at him, and he made a “hurry up” motion with his hand, so I closed my eyes and lay back. Usually the mere thought of Mike sucking me off would make me hard, but I just couldn’t make it happen. His hands felt steady and sure as he opened my fly, pulling my jeans down just enough to fish my limp dick from where it was nestled in my briefs.

  At first, I didn’t think I’d be able to get hard, but Mike just continued to touch and tease me until they deemed me ready.

  “Okay, zip him up and let’s get started.”

  IN THE aftermath of an orgasm it felt took years to achieve, I looked over at Mike, who was quietly getting dressed next to the bed. Julio had shut off the blinding lights and taken the raw video from the camera to editing. Nick had gone downstairs after taking what felt like a million still images of me for the site. I remained on the bed, naked and shivering slightly as a cool breeze blew over my sweat-drenched skin. The exhausting afternoon weighed on me, both mentally and physically. I just wanted to sleep.

  The reality of porn wasn’t as sexy as it appeared on screen.