Destiny (Waiting for Forever)

by Mayfield, Jamie

  “Goddamn, that stings,” I whispered as the makeup went into the barely closed gash on my head. All of it had to be concealed because every part of my body would be on camera, naked and exposed for anyone who could afford to pay for a membership.

  “Okay, babe, sit here next to the light so I can do your eye,” Alex said, and I sat up, careful not to smudge the stuff on my back. As he applied foundation to my face, someone knocked softly on the door.

  “Who is it?” Alex called, and I prayed it wasn’t Brian. I had to get myself under control before I saw him again. I knew it wasn’t Steven because he wouldn’t have knocked.

  “It’s Corey,” a voice said through the door, and Alex got up. Apparently, he had locked the door behind him, maybe to keep Steven out. I could have warned him that wouldn’t work and that he’d been foolish to try. I’d gotten my head shaved last week doing that very same thing. Steven had been high and joking about wanting to fist me, so I locked myself in the bathroom. He was so unpredictable when he was high. I only intended to stay in there until he came down. Instead, he broke down the door and pinned me to the bathroom floor. Threatening to cut my face with the scissors in his hand if I resisted, he cut my hair brutally short because I had “defied” him. He wanted to demonstrate the power he held over me, as if I could forget. When Alex saw me the next day, he’d done the best he could with my hair, but in the end, he just buzzed it, telling me it would grow back out. Hartley’d had a fit.

  Alex came back to the bed and picked up the bottle again, putting a little on his fingers. Corey stood in front of me. I got the impression that he wanted to intimidate me, but it wouldn’t work. After Steven O’Dell, taking potshots from this kid would be a picnic.

  “Jamie,” he said quietly, and I looked up at him, not sure why hearing that guy say my real name bothered me. “I don’t have a lot of time. Nick just sent me in here to check how long until you’re ready to shoot.”

  “Then why don’t you say what you have to and leave?” I told him, and even Alex shivered a little at the coldness in my voice. I didn’t want to talk to him, not if he and Brian… if they were…. I felt a small measure of satisfaction when Corey winced at my tone.

  “We’re going to see what we can do to help you, but until then, you have to pretend like you don’t know him,” he begged. I just looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. Why did everyone think I was stupid? Jesus, and what did he mean they were going to see what they could do to help me? They couldn’t help me. No one could. They were just going to get Brian killed if they tried.

  “Tell him if he wants to help me, he’ll go home,” I told him, and his eyes narrowed. Corey took a deep breath, as if he were trying to keep himself calm.

  “I’m not telling him that; it would break his goddamned heart. He risked so much to come out here and find you, because you mean everything to him.” He took a step toward the door, getting ready to leave. Apparently, once he’d dictated my instructions, he had finished with me. But I hadn’t finished with him.

  “Then the next time you guys are in bed whispering sweet nothings in the dark, tell him he wasted his time,” I told him, my voice low and deadly.

  “Yeah, you’re a real joy. I can see why he blew off college to chase after you,” he said and turned to leave. Alex just watched the exchange with a look of shock on his face. He didn’t even try to deny that he… he’d slept with Brian.

  “Screw you, candy ass! You don’t know a goddamned thing about me!” I screamed at him and started to stand up, but Alex held me against the bed as he knelt next to me. “Let me go! Dammit! He’s… he’s sleeping with my Brian.” Then I really did lose it, and I tried to throw Alex off me, but he held firm. “My Brian,” I whispered. Alex stood quickly and wrapped his arms around me while I fought against him.

  “You need to go,” Alex told Corey in a low voice. “Shh… Jamie, hon, we need to finish.” Corey didn’t move. He just stood watching the exchange with a neutral expression.

  “He’s going to find out,” I choked against Alex’s shoulder. “He’s going to find out, and he’s going to kill Brian. I don’t care anymore if he kills me, but Brian… I can’t….”

  “Jamie, we’re going to try—” Corey started, but I didn’t let him finish, and his face flushed with anger.

  “Please, if you care about him at all, you will get him the hell away from here. I am begging you,” I said, trying to hold in my useless tears.

  “He won’t go, not now that he’s seen you. He’s absolutely determined to save you,” Corey said as he walked to the door. “I’ll let Nick know you’re almost ready.”

  “He can’t save me,” I said quietly as he closed the door behind him.

  The E just wasn’t doing a damned thing for me, and I thought about asking Steven for another hit, maybe one of the pills—anything to take the edge off the pain in my back and in my heart. I didn’t want to think anymore.

  Alex took me into the adjoining bathroom and sat me down on the closed toilet. He grabbed a rag from the linen closet and wet it with cold water before wringing it thoroughly and patting my face and neck. Murmuring words of comfort I didn’t deserve, he helped me calm down so he could finish covering the black eye. It didn’t look perfect when he was done, but so long as Nick kept the camera on my left side, it wouldn’t show up on screen. Alex hugged me again just once before we went back into the room to shoot.

  “Taylor, I’m keeping you,” Nick said as he looked over my face. When I turned around to show him my back, he clapped Alex on the shoulder. “Damn, you did his back too? I was just going to have him lay on it. Thanks, kid.” Alex mumbled something and went to stand out of the way. He was worried about me; I could see it in his face. He wanted to see how I’d handle being in a scene with Brian. I wondered that myself.

  I didn’t look at anyone when I entered the room. I just stared at the floor, hoping it would swallow me before I had to go through with the scene.

  “Let’s start out with the four of you on the bed. Scott can start out with Corey, and Brandon with Dylan. I want you to undress each other, do some oral side by side, and then we’ll break to move a couple over to the couch.” Brian looked up, catching my eye briefly before he looked away, and I felt nauseated. If Brian was determined to save me, then he would feel compelled to go through with the shoot. Being on the crew and in the studio would keep him closer to me. If he wouldn’t stop the shoot, and I couldn’t stop it, he would be screwing another guy, forcing me to watch.

  “Come here, baby,” Corey said to Brian and pulled him over to the bed. I noticed that he positioned Brian so Brian couldn’t see me. Unfortunately, I could see them as Corey started to kiss Brian, and my heart ached in my chest. For several long minutes, I couldn’t stop myself from watching another guy kiss the man I loved. It was like a train wreck. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. So, I did the only thing I could. I grabbed Brandon and pushed him to a sitting position on the foot of the bed a few feet from where Corey pulled Brian’s shirt over his head. I straddled Brandon’s lap and kept my balance by holding his shoulders. Just like every other time I had to sleep with some guy, I closed my eyes and imagined Brian’s smile. The soft curve of his lips, the way his face lit up, I tried to remember every detail as I kissed Brandon, but all I could see when I closed my eyes was the horror on Brian’s face.

  I pulled away, and Brandon, who must have felt my hesitation, kissed down my neck instead. He tried to give me a few seconds to breathe because the room just didn’t seem to have enough oxygen. I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to see Brian, but I could hear them, and that broke me even further. Stroking Brandon’s short blond hair, I felt him moving down toward my chest, so I pulled his shirt up and rubbed his chest. It was all perfunctory. By that point, I’d done this so many times I could put my body on autopilot and just tune out. Unfortunately, when I did that, I focused on Brian and had to swallow past the fiery lump in my throat.

  More than anything, I wished I could just take
his hand, pull him out of that bastard’s arms, and run. But I had nothing—no home, no money, no support, and Steven stood guard just downstairs. Even though I’d been under his thumb for months, I’d never felt as trapped as I did then—Brian had been caught too, and I was to blame.

  Brandon suddenly moved closer to me on the bed, and I pulled myself out of my thoughts. I had a job to do. Chancing a glance up at Brian and Corey, I dug my fingers into the bedding to hide my clenched fists. I hated the way Brian stroked the back of Corey’s hair. I hated how comfortable they looked with each other. Most of all, I hated wondering if Corey turned Brian on better than I ever had. Those sweet, tender moments in the tree house probably didn’t hold a candle to a full-fledged porn star.

  I’d never hated myself more than I did in that moment.

  “Guys, hold up a minute,” Hartley said. Immediately, Brandon dropped his arm from around me and sat up. I sat up, too, looking over to see that Brian and Corey stopped a little more slowly. Corey talked quietly to Brian, who continued to look at the bed and nod. God, I wanted to be the one comforting him. “Okay, let’s keep Scott topping in this scene and switch him up with Brandon. So, Scott, stay on the bed with Dylan. Corey and Brandon, you guys can take the chaise.” Wait… Brian is a top? Oh God, I just assumed Corey was the top and I’d do the scene with him. Oh Jesus. I can’t make love with Brian on camera. I just… I can’t.

  Everything in the room suddenly had a kind of heat haze around it as Brian walked to the foot of the bed and stood next to me. He didn’t look at me; he just stood quietly and waited for instructions. I felt like I was suffocating and I took deep, slow breaths so I wouldn’t pass out. Steven would be furious if the scene stopped because I couldn’t finish.

  “Corey, why don’t you start out on top, and then Brandon can get you on your hands and knees. Dylan, turn around so I can see your back,” Nick said and moved in closer. “The makeup is still okay. Why don’t we start you out on top, too, and then on your back? When you start to sweat, the makeup might run.” I couldn’t even think about what would cause me to sweat because it ripped me raw.

  Brian and I watched for a minute while Corey climbed up onto Brandon’s lap and waited for Nick to give the signal to start. Brian’s hand slid into mine, and I couldn’t help but remember sitting in the movie theater holding hands with him. It felt like a lifetime since I’d touched him. He pulled me up to the head of the bed and lay down on his side, scooting back so I could lie with him. His head rested on one of the pillows, so I rested my head on the other and we just stayed there. It was the first time I was able to look into his face in so long. He looked the same, but different, older. The boyish roundness in his face had sharpened into more defined angles. His freckles had been replaced with a strong, even tan, like he spent a lot of time outdoors. Curiosity burned in my chest. Before we had been separated, I’d known everything about his life; we’d been together each and every day. But as he lay in front of me, he was like a pond reflection of the boy I’d loved all my life.

  Not waiting for Nick, Brian cupped my face with strong hands. He stroked my forehead, my cheek, my lips. I thought he was going to touch the bruise under my eye, but he simply passed over it. Under the pretense of kissing my cheek and then my ear, he whispered, “You’re so beautiful.”

  His voice trembled, and the reverence I heard made me hate myself even more. How could he still believe that? Knowing the cameras weren’t rolling yet, I shook my head minutely. I wasn’t beautiful. He had an idealized picture of the boy I had been back home, and it clouded his perception of the mess I had turned into.

  “Jamie, I—” he started, but I cut him off. I couldn’t stand it if he told me he loved me. There’s no way I would be able to keep myself together.

  “Please, don’t say it,” I whispered. I felt him nod, and when I took a chance and glanced at Brian’s face, his expression tore at me. I saw tears welling in his red-rimmed eyes. Staring at the sheet just above my shoulder, he refused to meet my eyes again. He looked so lost, so broken, that I just couldn’t stop myself from pushing him onto his back and holding him in my arms. He responded with a small whimper against my lips as he held me. Putting his legs around my waist, he held me as tight as he could.

  He trembled as if he were terrified of letting go.

  Fifteen

  “NO, NO, just start filming.” The voice was quiet, almost whispering, but I didn’t think about it. I didn’t worry about the cameras, the lights, or anyone else in the room. My mind focused solely on Brian, on having him in my arms again after so long. I would take my one way to be with him and be incredibly thankful I’d been given the chance. Whenever Steven rolled over on top of me in the middle of the night, or I had to sleep with another guy for money, I’d hang onto this moment. With Brian in my heart, I could live through just about anything.

  Holding myself up with my left arm, which brushed the outside of his shoulder, I used my right hand to stroke his face. With each small but distinct stroke, I tried to memorize all the subtle changes and burn this new image of him into my memory. When I could no longer hold myself back from it, I let my mouth descend to his, capturing his lips in a tender kiss. Again and again our mouths came together, searching, and I infused every meeting of our lips with my overflowing emotions.

  “You’re the one who’s beautiful,” I whispered almost half to myself, the soft timbre of my voice against his ear making him suck in a sharp breath against my hair. His arms, which had been resting at my sides, wrapped around my back, and he held me.

  “I missed you so much,” Brian whispered with his face turned away from the camera. I wanted to tell him that half of me had been missing and there was a hole in me nothing could fill, but I couldn’t. Encouraging him would only make him stay. If he stayed, neither of us would make it through alive. Instead of telling him all the things I might have, I simply nodded so he would know I’d heard.

  Breaking the kiss, I moved my lips down over his neck. The tendons stood out as he pushed his head back into the pillow, offering me his skin. He offered everything to me freely; I only had to reach out and take it to have Brian back. The temptation overwhelmed me, and I touched him and teased him while he writhed. That’s it, baby. Feel how much I love you even if I can’t tell you. A high-pitched, breathless moan burst from him.

  I looked up at him, smiling. Brian’s back arched slightly as his hand came to rest on the back of my head. For just a moment, I lamented my butchered hair because I used to love the feeling of his fingers there. The way they would tighten in it, pulling as he got more and more excited, made me throb. He bit his bottom lip hard, and it looked as if he were trying to keep from saying something, maybe my name. Of course, we were circus animals performing for the crowd, so he couldn’t let any of his true emotions show.

  His hand tightened on the back of my neck as I moved my lips lower, slowly kissing his sculpted abdomen. Brian had such a gorgeous body. When I last saw it on that beautiful night we spent making love, his body was soft and boyish. Since then, he had developed hard, muscled abs and strong, defined arms. The changes weren’t enough to call him muscular, but I noticed the difference. As I nuzzled his skin, I wondered what he had been doing the last eighteen months to cause that kind of transformation. His stomach clenched under my open-mouthed kisses.

  “Ja… Jesus…,” Brian breathed and caught himself before he could moan my name. For a split second, I felt the sting of disappointment because I so loved hearing him say it. Then I remembered my place, and I stroked his hipbone while I moved my lips below his navel. I noticed a scar on his side, something that had not been there when I’d seen him last. Curiosity burned in me, and I wanted to ask him about it. There were so many things about him I wanted to know, but I couldn’t ask, at least not right then. I’d probably never get the chance to ask.

  My eyes closed, blocking out the lights and the cameras as I concentrated on the feeling of him beneath me. I ghosted my fingers down the perfect planes of his abdomen,
then took him into my hand and stroked him lightly, opening my eyes to watch the pleasure playing out on his face. It didn’t feel forced or shameful as it did with any of the other faceless men I’d been with in the last few months. It felt like coming home, because I belonged with Brian.

  He kissed me once, long and deep, before propping himself against the pillows. When he looked up at me, his expression was calm and happy, like there was nothing in the world he’d rather see in that moment than me. I straddled his thighs, leaned up, and grabbed the condom and lube from under the pillow, making short work of putting them on him. I needed to know I still held some part of him. I wanted him inside me more than I’d ever wanted anything.

  With one hand on his chest and one to guide him into me, I sank slowly down, feeling him enter me. I groaned at the burn and watched as the pleasure stole over his face. His hands fell to my hips, stroking them with his callused thumbs. Holding off for just a moment to calm myself, I slid my body forward and backward and made love to my Brian. Torn, I wanted to close my eyes and bury myself in our lovemaking, but I also wanted to watch his face, to see the emotion in his eyes. In the end, I kept my eyes open, not wanting to miss a moment of being able to see him. I’d had only that single worn picture to look at.

  His hand came up to caress my cheek, and I looked down into his face. Even after all that time, he was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Wrapping one hand around the back of my neck, he pulled me forward and kissed me, whimpering softly into my mouth. When I sat up, I arched my back and dropped my hands to his thighs as he stroked me, making me flush all over.