Destiny (Waiting for Forever)

by Mayfield, Jamie

  “Oh my God, I heard about that!” His eyes were wide, and his breathing had gotten faster. “They called Leo, and we went to a nearby shelter to talk to them about it. I thought you might have been the one killed. I felt sick about it.” Brian pulled me to him then and held me for a long time. It felt like maybe he was trying to reassure himself that I’d survived and I was okay.

  “Anyway, the next day I was cleaning up in a fast-food restroom. I remember I was crying. George’s murder had terrified me. If a guy as tough as George could be killed, I knew I didn’t stand a chance. I’d just washed out my shirt with the hand soap and was drying it under the hand dryer when Steven came in. He watched me as he went into the stall but didn’t say anything. When he came out, I was washing my upper body with the soap and a bit of paper towel. I was still crying as I dried off and reached for my dry shirt. He asked me if I was okay, and I just looked at him. I wasn’t okay, and I couldn’t think of any reason to lie to him. I don’t know what was wrong with me. My whole life, my mother had drilled into my head never to go with a stranger. But I was so scared, I didn’t know what else to do. All I could see was George’s dead eyes,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Jamie, you were alone and terrified. You probably thought that whatever that ‘stranger’ wanted couldn’t have been as bad as being beaten to death in an alley. There weren’t a lot of options for you,” Brian said gently as he continued to hold me against him. “What happened then?”

  “He said he would take me somewhere safe where I could eat and clean up. I thought he meant a shelter, but instead he took me home with him. Steven bought me clothes and fed me; I thought it was a dream come true. His parents were gone and he was all alone in the world, just like me. I believed all of it.” My face flushed, and I felt the burn of humiliation. “One night when I was upset about my parents, he gave me some coke and told me that it would make me feel better. He said it would make me forget about everything and just be happy. He was right, but then after a few weeks, he told me that I owed him for the drugs and I had to find a way to pay him back. At first, it was… it was just sex. I didn’t want to sleep with him, but I was terrified of being back on the street. After that he started charging me for rent and food. I got so far behind. I thought he would throw me out and I’d go back to eating out of dumpsters. But then he said he knew of someone that could help me get a job.” I snorted in disgust. “I was still so grateful that he wanted to help me. I thought he was talking about flipping burgers or something. I was so stupid. He took me to Nick, and everything went downhill from there.”

  I could still remember that first solo, when I had to take off my clothes and bare my body for the cameras. The shame had overpowered everything else, even the E Steven had started me on. I had such a hard time getting an erection that it took sheer will and a long fantasy about Brian. Whenever I was hurt or scared, I always conjured an image of Brian in my head to be with me.

  “Oh, baby,” Brian said and kissed me on the forehead. We sat in silence for several long minutes, and I tried not to think about just how bad things had gotten living with Steven. I had no doubt that one day he would lose control and kill me, but if I left, he would find me and hurt anyone I was with. I couldn’t afford to take that chance, so I had to stay.

  Brian looked at his watch and then pulled away. “I have to go. My shoot with Em is coming up.” I tried not to let my stomach churn at the thought of Brian having sex with another guy, but it happened anyway.

  “I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to go,” I told him with a shrug, and he kissed me lightly. My lips tingled from the contact, and I sighed. Staying in the blue room forever seems like a much better option. I bet we can even get Alex and Mike to bring us food every now and then.

  “Which room are you shooting in?” I asked out of idle curiosity. The soft curve of his lips distracted me, and I was thrilled to see that the dark shadows under his eyes had lessened.

  “The green room,” he replied as he stood up. “You heading back downstairs?” My shoot had been early that morning. I’d been able to hang around to be with Brian because Steven wouldn’t be picking me up until later in the afternoon.

  “Yeah, I guess. I would tell you to have fun, but…,” I half joked, and he chuckled under his breath.

  “NICK wants to have some kind of meeting. It should only be a few minutes,” I told Steven when he showed up later that afternoon. He looked tired and irritated, and I hoped filming for the day would finish soon so we could get out of there. I needed to get Steven home and fed before things turned ugly. “I could just have someone bring me home, if….” I stopped dead at the look on his face. Faint circles ringed his bloodshot eyes, and he hadn’t shaved, giving him an almost sinister appearance.

  “I drove out here to get you. I’m sure as hell not wasting my time…,” he started, but before he could finish, Nick walked into the room and told us all to shut up. Steven sat in one of the plush leather chairs with his arms folded. Trying not to think about how it would make Brian feel, I sat in Steven’s lap and put an arm around his shoulders. I nuzzled lightly into his neck and felt him relax as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

  He smelled like a combination of sweat, spice… and pot.

  “I’ve decided to mix things up a little and do a location shoot in New Orleans. The subscribers need some variety, and I’m sick of shooting the same three rooms. We’ll promote it like a party and head down in a few weeks. With the limited schedule, I’m only taking the top-five most popular models and a couple others that I choose. I don’t want to hear any whining or bitching. If you want to be on the next shoot, figure out a way to bring up your rating. Okay, I’m going to call out your name. Tell me if you can go. Got it?” Nick asked, and everyone nodded. A quiet murmuring had broken out; some of the newer guys were excited about the idea of going to New Orleans for a week-long party.

  “Brandon, you in?” Nick asked, looking at the muscled blond leaning against the kitchen doorframe. Brandon looked pensive for a moment.

  “You’re covering the flight?” he asked, and his voice sounded casual, but I could hear a bit of bite to it.

  “Flight, hotel, and meals,” Hartley said, rolling his eyes. “Anything else is yours.”

  “When?” Brandon asked, pulling out a smartphone. It looked like he was checking his schedule.

  “We’ll fly out on Sunday the twenty-fourth and come back on Saturday, July thirtieth,” Nick told him after consulting his computer. “We’ll do about three shoots with each model at your regular rate.”

  “I’m in,” Brandon said and started typing on his phone, probably to tell his wife.

  “Okay, Corey, Jesse, and Scott, how about you guys?” Brian, Mike, and Emilio glanced at each other and almost simultaneously nodded their agreement.

  “Yeah, we’re in. We should be able to square things with the boss,” Mike told Nick, who nodded.

  “Great, okay. Taylor?” Nick asked, going down his list. Alex glanced at me, and I gave him one quick nod. With that few models and Brian being a top, it was likely that he and Alex would have a scene together. Alex could always refuse, but he needed the cash just like the rest of us.

  “Dylan?” Nick’s voice sounded hesitant, almost resigned, when he got to me. I looked down at Steven because I knew I couldn’t answer for myself. He rubbed my thigh and looked up at me.

  “I doubt I can get the week off,” he said slowly. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he thought about the prospect of making the money for three shoots in such a short time. His greed finally won out over having me out of his control for a week. Whispering, he added, “You know you won’t be able to get any blow on the plane. You’ll have to go without it.”

  “I know. If you want me to go, I’ll deal,” I whispered back, trying not to sound too excited at the idea of being away from him for a week.

  “Dylan is in,” Steven told Nick, and I buried my face in his neck to hide my excitement about a week with Brian and t
he other guys in New Orleans. It was the perfect opportunity to run. I’d have to check and see how much money I’d stashed over the last few months; maybe it would be enough.

  “Okay, I just have to call Josh and I think we have a full boat.” Nick looked over his list, distracted, and Steven shifted beneath me.

  “Hey, is he done? I want to take off,” he barked at Hartley, who waved him off. I stood up, and Steven slid his hand into mine. Again, I didn’t look at Brian because I knew his face would be angry, and I just didn’t want to see it.

  Traffic was light, and it didn’t take long for us to get back to Steven’s apartment. As soon as we walked in through the door, I headed for the kitchen to make dinner. Even after the last few months living with Steven, it still felt strange to come back to the apartment and cook every night like someone’s wife. My mom had cooked when I lived at home, but it wasn’t something I remembered my dad ever doing. Maybe if I were cooking for Brian and me, it wouldn’t feel so much like a chore.

  I started breaking up the hamburger in the skillet. That morning when I’d picked it up, I had planned to make tacos. With Steven’s mood at the studio, I decided that maybe a comfort food like spaghetti might be a better option. Well, except that he liked tacos more than pasta. The debate raged in my head as I tried desperately not to make a mistake. After the hamburger browned, I stood staring at it for several minutes, trying to stick with one of the choices. Finally, I left it in the strainer and went into the living room where Steven was watching television.

  “Babe,” I started gently as I walked up behind where he sat on the sofa. I didn’t want to be close enough for him to throw a punch. “I can make tacos or spaghetti. Is there one you’d rather have?”

  “Tacos,” he said, taking a huge pull of his beer, his eyes never leaving the baseball game. Without another word, I went back into the kitchen to make dinner and dream about grabbing Brian, taking my little bit of savings, and running away. At least I’d finally be able to make my own decisions for once.

  “WHAT time do we need to leave for the airport tomorrow morning?” Steven asked as we crawled into bed the night before my trip to New Orleans. I’d finished packing while he sat on the balcony drinking a beer. Taking all the clothes that I dared, I tried to pack everything I could into my new suitcase without making it look too obvious that I planned to be gone for a lot longer than a week. I stuffed my cash, a little over five hundred dollars, into the bottom of the backpack I was taking for my carry-on. Nick would give me my check at the end of the week, and I’d have that money too.

  “Alex will be here around five thirty, and our flight leaves at seven twenty-six,” I told him even as I felt his arm wrap around my waist. As his hard cock pressed against the cleft of my ass, I wasn’t surprised to feel his hand slide down between my legs.

  “I know it’s late, but let’s do a little blow and have sex. I’m not going to see you for a week, and I want to watch that hot little body riding me,” he murmured against my neck. I rolled my eyes because I knew he couldn’t see me. Still, getting high sounded like a great idea, and I knew better than to argue with him about sex. “I want to make my boy feel good.”

  “Sure,” I said, and he rolled me halfway toward him where we lay side by side on the bed. His kiss stayed slow but deep as he stroked my face with his fingers.

  “I’ll be right back,” he said quietly with one last soft kiss. I lay back down with my back to the door, dreading the sex but anticipating the high. I heard him rummaging around in the first drawer of his dresser, where I knew he kept his personal stash of coke. He’d locked the stuff he had to sell in the bedroom safe. He trusted me around his stuff, but only to a point. After a few minutes, he came back with a small mirror, a bag of white powder, and a couple of cut straws. From his pocket, he pulled out a small razor blade and got to work. He cut and arranged the powder into three short, straight lines. I was disappointed when I saw that there were only three. Usually we had two apiece when we did them together. I guessed I’d only earned one.

  “You do these, and I’ll set another one up for me,” he said, and I looked up at him quickly. Three lines at a time were more than I’d ever done before. He nodded and handed me the mirror and a straw. With poorly concealed excitement, I did what he told me. The euphoric rush of the drugs hitting my system felt like the best orgasm I’d ever had.

  “Lay down,” Steven said, even as I started to fall back against the pillows. The drugs made everything so much better. I didn’t have to be scared or hurt when I was high. I didn’t have to be depressed or lost. I could be free.

  The drugged-out sex took me higher and higher, spiraling until we both exploded like fireworks, bright and exciting in the sky.

  “I’m going to miss you while you’re gone,” he whispered as he toyed with the light hair on my chest.

  “Mmmhmmm…,” I said again because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I would miss him. I wouldn’t… ever. Once I got away from him, I’d never miss him, his apartment, or his cruelty.

  “I’ll be right there when you get off the plane on Saturday,” he whispered. His lips moved to the back of my shoulder, and he trailed tender kisses from my neck to my arm. But after a moment, he stopped, and his fingers dug into my chest. “If you’re going to miss your flight, call me. I don’t want to have to… persuade your friend Alex to tell me where you are.” His voice was calm, and my whole body went cold as a violent shiver ran through me.

  “Yeah, he’s a little prissy, but I’ve been watching that hot ass for months.”

  Oh God, he can’t be serious. Deep down, though, I knew he was. He would hurt Alex, maybe in the worst way possible, if I didn’t come back. God, it would be my one chance, and he knew it. He slammed the door closed before I could even see what lay on the other side. For a moment, I couldn’t say anything. My throat had closed around my voice at the thought of Alex’s terrified face. I swallowed, finally getting air into my lungs, and answered.

  “I’ll be there.”

  Twenty-One

  “WHAT’S wrong, Jamie?” Alex asked when we passed through the airport security checkpoint and left Steven standing on the other side with a deep scowl. The confession teetered on the edge of my lips, but when I looked up into his face, I couldn’t tell him what Steven had said. Alex was already terrified of Steven, and I refused to make that worse. All morning, I had considered telling him, to see if maybe he’d come with me wherever I went, but Alex had a life in San Diego. He had a job, an apartment, and friends I couldn’t ask him to leave just because I’d messed up my life so badly. It wasn’t fair to Alex to sacrifice him to the horror of my life.

  “Steven and I had a fight last night. It’s nothing major,” I lied. Ever since I had figured out I was gay, I’d become better and better at lying. While there were certain people close to me who could see right through me, Alex wasn’t one of them. Either he couldn’t see my lies or he didn’t want to, but either way, he believed me.

  “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Alex asked in a rush, looking me over to make sure I didn’t have any cuts or bruises he hadn’t seen. His concern, the way he cared about me: that was why I just couldn’t leave.

  “It wasn’t that kind of fight,” I said quietly and looked around under the pretense of finding our terminal, but really I just couldn’t look him in the eye and lie. He was one of the only people who cared what happened to me, and I couldn’t feel good about the lie even if I thought it was best for him. But right then, another thought occurred to me. Steven said he’d been watching Alex for a while. What if he found another reason to try to hurt Alex? Alex, Brian… if they knew what was good for them, they would get as far away from me as they could. I sighed, and the sound came out deep and frustrated because I knew I had to warn him.

  “What happened, Jamie?”

  I looked at my watch and saw we still had almost an hour before takeoff. Looking to my right, I saw a coffee stand with some tables that were away from the crowds. Alex t
ended toward the dramatic, and I didn’t want to draw anyone’s attention. As I pulled him toward the coffee stand, I took a twenty out of my pocket and ordered two small lattes.

  “Let’s sit over there and talk,” I whispered when the bored-looking teenage guy handed us two steaming paper cups full of strong-smelling coffee. Alex followed as I led him to a partially secluded area. When I sat across from him at the mostly clean lunch table, I stared at the cup and tried to decide how to start.

  “When Steven said that he wouldn’t be able to go to New Orleans with us, I knew that it was probably my only chance to get away from him,” I said quietly, and Alex started to get excited. I could practically see the helpful suggestions and encouragement trying to burst from behind the hand over his smiling mouth. I held a hand up, asking him to wait until I finished, and his hands dropped back to the table. “I had some money saved. I’d have had the check from Nick for the week in New Orleans, and you know my family is from Alabama. I’m thinking my Aunt Peg and Uncle Glenn might have been able to help. They’re more open than my parents.”

  “So, what happened?”

  “Either he thought the same thing, or I packed too much or something because he said….” I faltered. I really didn’t want to lay this on him.

  “He said what?” Alex asked as he reached under the table to put a comforting hand on my knee.

  “He said if I didn’t come back, he’d have to… to… persuade someone to tell him where I was,” I finished, looking up into his eyes, willing him to understand.

  “He meant me,” Alex said, his voice flat. I nodded, and he sat back in the chair and watched me. My heart hurt; I was sick of having no choices. “And you’re going to stay there and let him beat you so that he doesn’t come after me?” The question didn’t sound like an accusation, but more like wonder. I nodded, and he launched himself out of the chair to hug me.