Destiny (Waiting for Forever)

by Mayfield, Jamie

  “Okay, I’ll do that now,” I said, wanting to get away from the image of Mike and Brian cuddling in bed. After taking the phone from Alex, I walked into the small bathroom and shut the door. God, I hated that he wanted to make me check in like a five-year-old kid. But then I thought about Brian. If Brian were my lover, I’d want him to call me every day if we weren’t together. With a sigh, I dialed.

  “Jay?” Steven’s voice sounded so close, as if he stood over my shoulder and breathed against my skin. Even though I knew he was on the other side of the country, I shivered.

  “Hi, Steven. Alex said you called?” I flipped the lid down on the toilet and sat there like a puppy waiting for its next command.

  “Yeah, I thought you’d call last night and let me know you got there okay. I was worried when I didn’t hear from you this morning.” The edge in his voice sounded more like annoyance than fear. I decided to stick to the truth, at least as close to the truth as I could.

  “A couple of the guys picked us up at the airport. They wanted to go visit somebody’s parents, so we said we’d go. It’s not as if we had anything else to do. We drove out there, said hi, had dinner, drove back, got to the hotel, and went to sleep. It was a party,” I said, infusing my voice with sarcasm so he thought I hated being there away from him. It worked; he laughed.

  “Sounds like it. I’ll let you finish getting ready. Call me tonight,” he warned. Damn, I didn’t want to call him with Brian in the room. Knowing Steven, he’d want to have phone sex, just so he could humiliate me and get off. Those were the games he liked to play. I refused to make Brian listen.

  “I’ll call sometime tonight,” I promised. “I don’t know what the plan is.”

  “Be good.”

  “I will, Steven.”

  I hung up before he could say he loved me or he missed me because I just couldn’t return the sentiments. I didn’t think “I hope you fall off the balcony and then get hit by a truck” carried the same meaning.

  When I came back out into the main room, Mike, Alex, and Brian were in the middle of an epic pillow battle. Mike could be a real child, but Brian was laughing so hard he could barely breathe, and it felt so good just to see him happy that I didn’t care about the cause. When they knocked over a lamp, however, I thought maybe things had gotten out of hand. Grabbing the back of Alex’s shirt, I pulled him off the bed and handed him the cell phone.

  “Guys!” I yelled, and immediately they both froze with their pillows held high, ready for another assault. “Brian and I need to shower and stuff.” Mike tossed his pillow back on the bed with a grumble about “no fun at all.” Pulling out a cell phone, he looked at it and moved toward the edge of the bed.

  “Yeah, I need to go pick up Em and Brandon. Their flight will be in soon,” he said and stood up quickly. He hesitated a minute but then asked Alex, “You want to come?”

  I was surprised when Alex looked torn. He hated Brandon, and bring trapped in a car with him couldn’t be a pleasant idea. Brian and I watched, shocked, as Mike wrapped his fingers tenderly around the back of Alex’s neck.

  “He’s not going to mess with you anymore. I’ll tear him to pieces,” Mike said quietly before leaning in to capture Alex’s lips with his own. I looked at Brian, who appeared just as stunned as I felt.

  “I’ll go,” Alex offered with a shy smile.

  “Don’t you think for one second that you and I aren’t going to talk about this later,” I told Alex as he and Mike headed for the door. Alex just turned around and winked.

  “What the hell was that?” Brian asked in wonder as the door closed behind them.

  “I have no idea, but he better not hurt Alex,” I said in a low growl. “He’s had enough stuff to deal with in his life.” Brian looked thoughtfully, almost sadly, at the door while I gathered my stuff up for a shower.

  “Mike’s a good guy,” he said quietly. “He’s helped me so much since I got here. Jobs, food, company. It didn’t matter what I needed. He and Em were always there to help me. It’s just like him to go to bat for a friend like that.”

  “I think Alex has more than a quick screw on his mind, though. He’s so lonely lately.”

  “I know that feeling,” he whispered, and I reached out to take his hand and pull him into the bathroom with me for our shower.

  NICK set up a schedule so the seven of us—including Emilio, Brandon, and Josh, who had arrived that morning—would shoot for five straight days and then fly home. A group scene was scheduled every morning, followed by a duo scene in the afternoon, and we each got at least one day off. When I checked the schedule, I saw that my days off coincided with Mike on Monday and Brian on Thursday. Alex was off with Brandon and Josh. I’m sure he would have rather worked.

  Some of the shoots would take place in Nick’s opulent suite, some by the pool, and others in a courtyard. Apparently, Nick knew the owner of the hotel, who had arranged for everything he needed, including the ability to have naked men strolling around the hotel pool. The way Nick operated would never cease to amaze me.

  I didn’t want to stick around to watch Brandon and Brian banging Emilio for the first threesome of the week, so while they were filming in Nick’s suite, I took my book and went to the pool. I was surprised Alex didn’t offer to come down with me during the morning session because Mike had stayed to hang out with Brian and Em. I couldn’t help but feel depressed and alone, and more than anything right then, I wanted a drink. I wanted a hit so bad, but I’d have to settle for booze.

  Luck must have been on my side. because the bartender at the poolside bar either didn’t think I was nineteen or didn’t care. I’d just finished my third rum and Coke and had gotten into the fifth chapter of my book when Brian came down alone.

  “Hey,” he said, pulling up a lounge chair next to mine. He was shirtless and in the same cargo shorts he’d worn to the shoot. Before he collapsed onto the chair, he kissed me lightly on the forehead.

  “Hey,” I replied, marked my page, and set my book down on the small table next to the chair. There wasn’t much space with the three empty plastic cups, so I stacked them into each other to make more room and settled back in my chair.

  “I called my mom,” he said without opening his eyes. “You were right. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about it.” The sun beat down over his skin, and for a moment I got lost in the hard lines of his chest. I swallowed hard and fought the instinct to crawl into the chair with him.

  “One of these days, you’re going to realize that I’m always right,” I told him, trying to keep the grin from my voice. His laughter and the alcohol in my blood lifted my spirit. So I gave in and sat with him in the lounge chair, resting back against his chest as he nuzzled my neck.

  New Orleans felt like paradise.

  Twenty-Three

  THE next few days went much the same as that first day. To keep him happy, I made sure to call Steven every night from the lobby. He’d become increasingly sentimental with each call, and while I tried to act my part, I felt like dirt talking to Steven only to then go upstairs and crawl in bed with Brian, but I had no other choice and Brian never appeared upset. I didn’t know how he could be so calm about it. Brian and I spent all our off-hours together eating, drinking, lounging by the pool, or exploring a little bit of the city. During the times one of us was shooting a scene, I felt cold and alone without his light and his warmth. On Thursday, the day I had been waiting for all week, we were both free. I could be with him for the whole day and not have to deal with Mike or Emilio, or even Alex. It would be our last chance to be together that way for a very long time.

  Early Thursday morning, I went to a small bistro just down the block from our hotel and picked up coffee, croissants, and some fresh-cut fruit. When I came back, Brian was still in bed. He looked younger when he was relaxed in sleep, and a picture filled my mind of the boy I’d fallen in love with. I remembered that first night we had slept together in the tree house, the first night he had spent in my arms. His hair had tickled
my bare chest, and I must have kissed his head a hundred times while he slept. The love I had felt as he nuzzled my neck and moaned softly before falling back to sleep. Those were the things I would always remember about my Brian.

  “Come back to bed,” he mumbled as I set everything out on the small table in our room. I looked over to see he hadn’t even opened his eyes, just thrown the covers next to him back in invitation. After covering the food back up, I went over to the bed and sat on the edge.

  “I’ve got breakfast,” I whispered and ran my fingers through his tangled curls. When I moved my hand down to his face, he grabbed it and kissed my palm. Unable to stop it, I shivered at the contact.

  “Mmmmmm…. Take off your clothes and come back to bed? Please?” The plea in his voice, subtle but sweet, won me over, and I took off everything, including my briefs and socks, to crawl into bed with him. He sighed as I wrapped my body around his, and the feeling of his skin against mine was a balm for my abused soul.

  “I missed this so much,” he whispered, and I kissed his shoulder. God, I had missed it too, just the simple pleasure of lying in bed and holding him. I’d spend my sleepless nights bringing this image, this feeling, up in my head once I was back in Steven’s bed. We didn’t even have to have sex; I just wanted to be close to him.

  We stayed in bed, warmed by the rays of the morning sun, for another hour before I pulled him on top of me and we made love. I wanted to keep him inside me forever, but our time had nearly run out. We would have two more nights in each other’s arms before going back to California, before going back to having no future together. For the moment, we could continue to pretend everything would be okay.

  “What would you like to do today?” Brian asked as we sat at the small table drinking microwave-heated coffee and nibbling on fruit. His hair, a complete mess from sleep and sex, stood out in more directions than I could count. I was sure if my hair were longer, it would’ve been in the same state. I ran a hand ruefully over it anyway and thought about his question. I didn’t know anything about New Orleans. My only plan when I got on the plane had been to be with Brian and do my shoots. I hadn’t thought much about sightseeing.

  “Do you know anything about the city?” I asked and took another bite of sweet watermelon before reaching for a croissant. Brian bit into a huge strawberry, dribbling red juice down his chin. I felt an urge to taste the sweet juice on his skin, but if we started with that, we’d never get out of the hotel room. While the thought of spending the day in bed with Brian did have its appeal, I’d never been to New Orleans before and wanted to look around. Being able to share it with Brian was something I’d always remember.

  “I’ve been asking around,” he said as he wiped his chin with the back of his hand, “and I’d like to go down to Frenchmen Street tonight and get dinner somewhere. Other than that, I have no idea. Let’s check it out.” He got up from the table, went to his bag, and pulled out a little laptop computer. Opening it up, he set it on the table between us and hit the power button. It took him no time at all to get on the hotel’s Wi-Fi, and I started to wonder if this was the same guy I’d gone to high school with. Inside the browser, he searched for New Orleans tourism and started checking sites.

  “I love the architecture here, so we could go check out some of the old houses and buildings,” he said, clicking on another link and reading the page. The excitement shone in his eyes, and his leg bounced as he went from one page to the next. “Oh hey, look! A gay guide to New Orleans.” He looked puzzled for a minute and then rolled his eyes. “It’s all bars and shopping. Hey, here’s something. Want to go to the zoo?”

  “What?” I asked with a laugh.

  “I’ve never really been to one. It was one of those things I’d always wanted to do, but I felt stupid asking Richard and Carolyn. They’d done so much for me already,” he said with a shrug. I’d been to the zoo once or twice before Brian had come to live with the Schreibers, but I liked the idea of walking through the zoo holding hands. It was a relaxing, carefree kind of day.

  “I think that sounds like a great idea,” I agreed, and then leaned over to kiss his strawberry-flavored lips.

  The streetcar took us all the way to Audubon Park, which had to be the biggest park I’d ever seen. Living in San Diego for the last two years, I’d nearly forgotten how beautiful a canopy of leaves over your head and a patchwork of grass under your feet could be. As we wandered in the direction of the zoo through shadows and sunlight filtering down from the towering trees, Brian took hold of my hand. It was peaceful, though not quiet because I could hear kids playing nearby. Surrounded by the beautiful, natural setting, I felt alive. After a while, a sign guided us in the right direction. Without the expected lines, the main entrance stood relatively empty behind a series of guardian trees.

  Brian and I paid for our tickets, grabbed a map, and headed inside. A sweet spark of happiness flared inside me at the look of wonder on his face. As he tried to look everywhere at once, I checked the map and saw that the zoo encompassed several square miles. We would never be able to see everything in one day.

  “Brian, baby, what do you want to do? There’s too much stuff to see in one day, and it’s already noon,” I explained as I handed him the map. It consisted of a huge, cartoonish drawing of the layout of the zoo with ten main areas to explore. His eyes went wide as they scoured the map from top to bottom. Every time he saw something new, his eyes lit up, and just seeing him so happy made me happy too.

  “Dinosaurs, Jamie! They have dinosaurs! How cool is that? Okay, so dinosaurs, the Asian Domain… uhm, unless you want to go, we can skip the petting zoo,” he rattled off, still staring at the map with fascination.

  “We can skip the petting zoo. What about the monkeys?’ I asked, resting my chin on his shoulder so I could see the map. He turned his head and kissed my cheek.

  “Monkeys are cool, but I’d like to check out the African Savanna and Louisiana Swamp too.” Checking the locations of the places he named, I wrapped my arms around his waist, and we made a quick plan of the route we needed to take to see what Brian wanted to see. I heard a noise to my left and looked over. A couple were herding two small children in the other direction and looking at us like we were naked and having sex in the middle of the entranceway. I started to pull away from Brian, feeling awkward about our display, when he noticed the couple.

  “Today is about me and you. I’m not ashamed of us, Jamie,” he said, and kissed me again gently. When the couple had moved on, he took my hand and led me forward, his smile radiant once again. We walked for a while, just taking in all the sights, like whooping cranes and flamingos, until we reached a big circular area called Elephant Plaza, where we turned to head for the Asian Domain. Brian’s eyes grew round as we came upon an enclosure with a huge lion standing on a boulder as he looked down regally over the grass and plants around him. Off to the left in a patch of tall grass sat a lioness with two small cubs that were rolling and playing near their mother. Brian pulled out his phone and took a picture.

  The elephant paddock impressed him even more because there were several huge animals wandering around inside. Unlike the lion’s area, the elephant’s area consisted mostly of rock and water with very little grass. The sheer size of the animals intimidated me, and I found myself fascinated by their enormous ears, which looked like they could have been as thin as paper. Massive tusks and incredibly long, wrinkled trunks made them such beautiful creatures. We finished the area by going to see the tigers, which had always fascinated me. Watching them run and pounce on each other in a playful romp didn’t remotely downplay how dangerous they could be. I loved all the intricacies of their colors and stripes—black, brown, orange, and white all delicately woven to make a distinct pattern.

  Coming out of the Asian Domain, we saw some restaurants and food courts across the way. The fruit and coffee had been hours before, so we stopped in and picked up a quick lunch of sandwiches and sodas, which we ate as we walked toward the Louisiana Swamp. We spent the aft
ernoon looking at alligators, bears, and monkeys before we finally got to the area Brian really wanted to see: the animatronic dinosaurs. We had to look at the names for most of the figures, except for the triceratops and the T. rex. To me, they looked like huge plastic action figures, but Brian was captivated. The dinosaurs moved and roared in their prehistoric habitats, and I had to laugh at how cute he looked as he took it all in. We stopped at the gift shop on the way out so I could buy him a stuffed dinosaur to remember the day. He hugged me tightly and tried to get me one, too, but I reminded him I didn’t want to have to explain this day to anyone. I’d remember because I got to be with him.

  As we walked back through the park hand in hand, I thought about how lucky I was to be able to spend the day with Brian like that. I’d spent the previous two years asking permission for everything I did, and to have the freedom to just walk through the park holding hands with the guy I loved was monumental. When we stopped under a towering oak to let a bike pass us on the trail, I leaned over and kissed him gently to show how much I appreciated spending that time with him.

  On the ride back, we watched a slide show on his phone that included all the pictures he’d taken that day. When he got to the end, he looked around the streetcar and then spoke to two girls sitting in the seat just ahead of us.

  “Excuse me, would you take our picture?” he asked sweetly, with a killer smile that would get me to do anything he wanted. The shorter girl, a shy-looking blonde, giggled and looked at her friend. The second girl, also blonde, held out her hand for the phone.

  “Sure, just press here?” she asked, indicating a button in the front of the phone. Brian nodded and settled back into the seat with his temple pressed to mine and his hand wrapped around my fingers. As the girl hit the button, I turned quickly and kissed his cheek, making the girls giggle again. Brian rolled his eyes and asked the girl to take another picture, one for which I behaved myself. Afterward, he thanked both girls and took the phone back. When I looked at the picture of us without the kiss, the one where we were just smiling at the camera, it shocked me that I could have looked so happy. The image was a complete change from the way I usually saw myself—as an angry, broken man.