Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “Last night... Drew told me that he found Brody practically confessing his love for you.”

  “And I’m sure that Drew explained to you that I told him no, right?” I ask.

  “Yeah. But I just wanted to make sure.”

  “I am absolutely sure, Sebastian.”

  He seems to accept my answer. “Okay. Good.”

  “Was that what you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask.

  “No. There was one more—”

  Sebastian is cut off by my phone ringing. I look at the caller ID and see that it’s Caleb calling.

  Oh, my gosh, how could I have forgotten about him calling tonight.

  “It’s my brother,” I tell Sebastian. “I have to take this.”

  Sebastian nods and I slide to answer.

  “Caleb, hey!”

  “Hey yourself,” Caleb says. “How are you? I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” I tell him. “And I think I’m the one supposed to be asking how you are.”

  “I’m fine,” he says. “Rehab is... well, it’s actually not bad. My therapist has let me get involved with a lot of activities and group session. I’ve really been dealing with some stuff and I feel like I’m getting better.”

  “That’s great!”

  “How is boarding school?”

  “Boarding school is surprisingly awesome,” I answer. “I’ve made some really good friends, and I can’t wait for you to get out so you can meet them all.”

  “That’s good. Tell me about your friends.”

  I smile, because I am excited to tell him about everybody. And because I actually have friends. “Well, today is my friend’s birthday.”

  “What’s her name?” he asks.

  “Him, actually,” I say. “It’s Sebastian.”

  “A guy... hmm... am I going to have to talk to him about how to treat my baby sister?” he asks.

  “Nah, Sebastian’s a good guy.”

  “Are you... more than friends?”

  “Ummm...”

  “So you are? Tell me. I need details, because God knows I’m not getting any action in here.”

  I laugh. “Sebastian is sitting right beside me. We just came from his birthday dinner.”

  “So you can’t tell me how good the sex is?” Caleb asks.

  I gasp, jokingly. “Caleb! You’re my brother! Don’t ask me questions like that. Besides, I’m at boarding school. I’m here to get an education, not get laid.”

  I hear Sebastian laugh, and I look over, feeling mortified.

  I actually forgot that I was with him for a second.

  Crap.

  “I can’t believe I just said that out loud. Thanks, Caleb,” I say sarcastically.

  “You’re welcome,” he says. “Though you’re not saying, you’re definitely in a better mood than you’ve been in a long time. Either you had sex, or boarding school is good for you. Either way, I am proud.”

  “Thanks,” I say. “Me too.”

  “I’m going to let you get back to your birthday date. Our time is almost up anyway. But I’ll talk to you next week!”

  “Okay. Can’t wait!” I say. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I hit end on my phone and turn to Sebastian.

  “I am so sorry,” I tell him. “My brother is... well... my brother. There are no words to describe him.”

  “Don’t apologize,” Sebastian says. “Besides, it was fun listening to you talk to him. You’re really close to him, I can tell.”

  “We are close, but it’s a recent thing. I’ve never... shown him my scars. And I’ve definitely never talked to him about being suicidal,” I say. “I mean, one suicidal person in the family is enough, right? I figure it’s better to just deal with it on my own, than risk making him worse.”

  “I think you should open up to him,” he says. “Maybe not over the phone. But don’t you get to see him for Thanksgiving break?”

  I nod.

  I can’t wait for break.

  We are going to have a lot of fun in Greece.

  “Maybe I will talk to him,” I say. “I mean, telling you has kind of been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Maybe I should open up to him, too.”

  “Definitely,” he agrees.

  “So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask.

  “You know what? It can wait,” he says.

  “Are you sure?” I ask.

  He nods. “Yeah.”

  Well, great.

  Now I’m never going to know what he wanted to say.

  And it’s going to drive me freaking crazy.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me?” I ask. “Because it’s going to drive me crazy if I don’t know. It’s like saying something and then the person didn’t hear you, so the other person just says never mind. I seriously hate that. I need to know.”

  Sebastian laughs. “You’re funny.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “Fine,” he says. “I’ll tell you.”

  We drive though the security gates after showing them our ID’s. Sebastian heads towards the dorms and parks his car. Then, he turns towards me.

  He opens his mouth, like he’s going to talk, and then he shuts it.

  “We’re friends, right?” he asks.

  I nod.

  There’s that word again.

  Friends.

  Now, here is the part where he is going to tell me that when I stared at him last night it was creepy. And that friends don’t have romantic feelings for each other. And that we probably shouldn’t be friends anymore.

  But, before he can say anything, I hear a loud knock. I look over to see Drew knocking on the window of Sebastian’s car.

  “You two better not be making out in there,” I hear him yell through the window.

  I’m going to kill him.

  Not really.

  But I’m going to think about killing him. With my mind.

  The moment is officially ruined.

  I look over at Sebastian. “We should... get out of the car...”

  So we do.

  But then he goes into his dorm with Drew.

  And I go to my dorm with Hope.

  I will never know what he was going to say. Ugh...

  Friday, September 20

  Keep telling yourself that.

  I haven’t had a chance to talk to Sebastian, yet, about what he was going to tell me last night, and it’s driving me crazy. I want to know. No, I need to know. Hopefully, at the football game, or after the game, we will get a chance to talk. Not knowing sucks.

  Hope and I get ready for the game together. She says she wants to straighten my hair, since I never straighten it myself. So, I let her. Mostly because I know that if I don’t, she would bug me until I caved.

  I put on a pair of skinny jeans with my orange New Haven Academy hoodie. I also found a pair of orange Vans online yesterday and I had them shipped overnight to me. I slip them on and wait for Hope to finish getting ready.

  Hope is currently running her hair straightener over her bangs. She keeps doing the same spot over and over again, even though it’s already straight. When I ask her about it, she just says it’s not perfect yet. Whatever. I will never understand her girly ways.

  When we get to the stands by the football field, Sebastian, Isaac, and Bryce are waiting on us. Beside Bryce, there is a really pretty blonde girl. I’ve never seen her before. Right now, she’s talking to Sebastian, laughing over something he said. I want to hate her, but then I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I’m not going to be jealous of her.

  “Hey,” Hope says, as we walk up to them.

  “Hope. Hey,” Bryce says to her, completely ignoring the fact that I’m here.

  “Hey,” the blonde girl says to me. “I’m Bryce’s twin sister, Bianca. I’ve heard a lot about you from Bryce.”

  “Hey, I’m Jinger,” I say. “And I’ve heard nothing about you from Bryce.”

  She laughs. “That doesn’t surp
rise me.”

  “I haven’t seen you around,” I say.

  “I’m a cheerleader, so, at the games I’m usually cheering. The dance team is performing tonight, so they have the B-squad cheering. I’m on the A-squad, so I have the night off,” she explains. “I’ve seen you at lunch, but I haven’t had to opportunity to say hi yet. Bryce says you have awesome ideas for the newspaper and that you’re awesome at web design.”

  I nod. “I’m kind of a nerd.”

  “We should go sit,” Bryce says.

  All six of us take a seat towards the top of the bleachers. I end up sitting between Sebastian and Hope.

  Everybody falls into an easy conversation, so I decide it’s the perfect time to talk to Sebastian.

  “We never finished out conversation from last night,” I tell him.

  “I was kind of hoping you would forget,” he says.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “Well, yeah, I do know. I kind of got scared. So now, I don’t want to tell you what I was going to. Or, at least, not until the timing is perfect. I should’ve just come to your dorm on Wednesday night, and told you then.

  I frown, but I know that’s the only answer that I will be getting out of him for now.

  “You were kind of awesome on Wednesday,” I say. “I didn’t doubt your skills or anything, but you always talk about how awesome you are at lacrosse. I guess I didn’t expect you to be awesome at soccer too.”

  “Thanks,” he says. “I’m really not that good at soccer. I do it mostly to stay in shape. And so that I have something to do when it’s not lacrosse season. I think I just did well because you were there to wish me luck.”

  I grin. “Well, then, you will do well all season, because I am going to be at every game to cheer you on.”

  “Good,” he says. “I would like that a lot.”

  Hope makes a gagging noise. “You two are so sweet. It makes me sick.”

  “You’re just jealous,” Drew says to her.

  “A little,” Hope says, sighing. “I miss having a gir... umm... you know... a relationship.”

  Was Hope about to say girlfriend?

  I quickly shake it off. I’ve said stuff like that before when I wasn’t paying attention.

  “You know we’re just friends,” I tell them.

  Hope rolls her eyes. “Keep telling yourself that.”

  I feel my face grow warm, but I don’t say anything else. But, when we get back to our dorm room, I am going to have a talk with Hope.

  Sebastian, who doesn’t seem effected at all by their comments, changes the subject.

  Thankfully, the subject of relationships is not mentioned again.

  Saturday, September 21

  Four minutes.

  The football game last night was close, but somebody on our team ended up scoring a touchdown in the last few seconds of the game, so we won. Everybody was super pumped, and there was a party in the fields—though, I think there would’ve been a party either way. People here don’t need an excuse to party.

  Last night, I wasn’t really in a party mood, so I just went back to my dorm. I wrote on my blog, which made me feel extremely lame. So tonight, I decided I definitely would go to the party. If nothing else, for the human interaction.

  Sebastian has another soccer game today, so all of us go there to support him and hang out. I am sitting on the bleachers between Hope and Drew when Brody walks up to us.

  “What do you want?” Drew asks him, not nicely.

  “I need to talk to Jinger,” Brody says.

  “She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Drew tells him. “You need to leave.”

  I look up at Brody and see that he’s frowning.

  Maybe I shouldn’t want to talk to him, but seeing how sad he looks, I kind of feel bad for him.

  I stand up. “I’ll be right back,” I tell Drew.

  “Come on, Jinger. Just... ignore him,” he says.

  I turn to Brody. “Give me two minutes.”

  He walks down the bleachers and waits for me at the bottom.

  I turn to Drew. “Look, he’s obviously not going to leave me alone until I talk to him. Let me just hear what he has to say. I’ll tell him to get lost, then I will be right back. If I’m not back in like five minutes, I give you permission to come after me.”

  He sighs. “Fine. Four minutes. That’s my limit.”

  “Okay.”

  I walk down the stairs and meet Brody at the bottom.

  “I need to talk to you somewhere private,” he says.

  I shake my head. “No. Talk to me here.”

  “Fine,” he sighs. “I’m sorry. Okay. I’m really freaking sorry. About everything. I know I didn’t treat you right. But I was freaked out.”

  “I get it,” I tell him. “But it’s obvious you’re not over your ex-girlfriend. I just can’t help you get over her.”

  “It’s more than that,” he says, not bothering to keep the frustration out of his voice. His leans closer and lowers his voice. “I saw something that I wasn’t supposed to see. I know something big about Dean Tolken and his death. And it really freaked me out, okay?”

  “Why haven’t you gone to the police?” I ask. “What did you see?”

  He shakes his head. “I can’t... tell you, Jinger. I won’t put you in danger too. I shouldn’t have even told you this much. Just... promise me you won’t tell anybody what I said. About Dean Tolken.”

  I look at him, not sure what to say. How can I agree not to tell? This is kind of a big deal.

  “Please, Jinger,” he says, when he sees my hesitation.

  I open my mouth to protest, but when I see the look on his face, I can’t.

  Brody is scared.

  Like really, really scared.

  I nod my head. “I promise.”

  He looks relieved. “I should go. I just... needed you to know that I am sorry. And that I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met. I swear that I will make this up to you some day.”

  With that, Brody turns and walks away.

  I walk back up the bleachers and sit by my friends.

  I try to focus on the game, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about what happened with Brody. He genuinely looks scared, and I am worried about him. I decide that tonight, at the party, I will go out of my way to try and talk to him. He could obviously use a friend right now.

  11 p.m.

  Don’t overthink it.

  After the game, Bryce and I meet at the student center to work on the website for the newspaper. I already had a lot done, but with his help, I was able to get a lot more done. I definitely won’t have a problem making deadline. We worked on it for quite a few hours, and stopped once we realized it was dark outside. Pretty soon, we would be heading to the field for the party.

  We were so busy today that I didn’t even have time to think about what Brody said to me earlier. Which is good. I don’t exactly know what to do with what he told me.

  I go back to my dorm and get ready with Hope. Much to my surprise, she ends up wearing jeans and a hoodie to the party. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her wear jeans, so it’s kind of a shock. She’s so girly, I assumed she always wore dresses.

  After curfew, Hope and I sneak out of the designated window downstairs. I am happy to say that I climbed out without tripping and falling on my face. In fact, I landed gracefully on my feet.

  Sebastian and Bryce are waiting there for us. My guess is Drew is already at the party. And possibly drunk. Isaac isn’t going to the party because he has to be at work at the radio station early in the morning.

  We lost the soccer game, earlier, and I figured that Sebastian would be in a bad mood because of it, but he isn’t. He actually seems to be in a really good mood. He has a huge smile on his face.

  “You look really pretty tonight,” he says when he sees me.

  I look down at my hot pink skinny jeans, black Vans, and black Star Wars hoodie. It’s pretty much my normal attire when I’m not in
my school uniform. My hair, as usual, is down. It’s a little bit messy.

  “Thanks,” I say, trying not to read too much into it. Sebastian is just a nice guy giving me a compliment.

  “What about me?” Hope asks him.

  He turns his head to look at her. Most guys, when asked how a girl looks, would take the opportunity to check a girl out. But not Sebastian.

  “You look good, too,” he says.

  “Of course, I do,” she says, grinning.

  “You look hot,” Bryce says, obviously having no issues with checking her out.

  Hope clears her throat awkwardly. “So, are you guys ready to go party?”

  “Definitely,” Bryce says.

  Bryce and Hope walk ahead of us and Sebastian and I follow.

  I look over at Sebastian as we walk and see that he’s watching me.

  When he looks at me, I feel like he’s not actually seeing the outside. He’s seeing what is on the inside—like he can see into my soul. And the things he knows about me... things that would make most people run... doesn’t even faze him.

  I mean, he was obviously shocked when he saw my scars. It freaked him out, as it should. Especially considering his older sister committed suicide. But he’s still here. And he’s still my friend, even though it would probably be easier for him to pretend I don’t exist.

  Though, maybe he’s just my friend because of his sister. He wants to save me from the same tragic fate. Maybe I am his way of coping.

  As we walk towards the fields, Sebastian’s dark eyes catch mine. He isn’t looking at me sympathetically, like one would think—poor, depressed girl. No, he’s looking at me like he genuinely thinks I’m beautiful, which is obviously ridiculous. He can do so much better than me.

  Bryce and Hope are now about five feet ahead of us and are having their own conversation, I don’t know what they’re talking about, but Hope is laughing at whatever Bryce is saying. It makes me think there might be a chance for them after all.

  “What are you thinking?” Sebastian asks me. “You look like you’re a hundred miles away.”

  “Just life,” I answer vaguely. “Why do you always tell me I look beautiful?”

  He seems shocked by my question. “Because you are. I’ve never met anybody as beautiful as you are.”