Everything Changes

by Shey Stahl

  A cloud of dust and rocks shot towards us. Justin tipped his head forward to avoid the spray in his eyes, and I did the same since my goggles were in my hand. Parker stood there for a moment watching Dusty and Wesley ride away. The loud rumble of their four-strokes at full throttle echoed throughout the canyons.

  “Come on, Parker, let’s go!” Justin shouted over the noise before starting his bike.

  That was when Parker withdrew again and didn’t say anything. The rest of the night, he was quiet but nodded when asked a question.

  “What happened out there today?” Addy asked, noticing the change when we sat around the fire that night after dinner. She had stayed back at the condo earlier and sat by the pool. I almost wished that I had done the same.

  I shrugged, sinking back into my chair with a bottle of water in hand. “I don’t know.” I felt defeated. I felt like everything I had worked to obtain with Parker was gone now because of this Dusty guy.

  At least I wasn’t lying to Addy either. I had no idea what was said between Parker and Dusty, therefore I had no idea what was bothering him.

  I had a feeling Justin knew by the change in his demeanor as well, but he was also Parker’s brother. He wasn’t about to push the issue or give me any details without Parker’s consent.

  When we eventually went to bed that night, Parker didn’t say a word to me. I never understood how he could turn so quickly. It was almost as if there was two sides to him. I knew then that I didn’t really know either one of those sides. Parker tried not to be that way. You could see the conflict in his face and those eyes.

  July 3, 1997

  The next morning when I woke up in his arms, I peeked up to see him staring at the ceiling, the same expression of irritation and anxiety drowning him. When I stirred, he looked down at me and smiled halfheartedly.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” he offered. “I didn’t mean to take that out on you.”

  I didn’t say anything, just smiled. “Let’s go for a hike.”

  “Wow.” Parker chuckled as the morning light rose over his shoulder and hit my eyes, blinding me. I squinted and he moved his shoulder to block it for me. “I don’t have to do anything special like make you breakfast in bed or anything?”

  “Why would you need to do that?” I propped myself up on my elbow to look down at him.

  “I was a jerk.” His eyes focused on mine for just a brief moment before looking at the wall behind me.

  “People are jerks sometimes.”

  His eyes closed as he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine once. “Don’t let people treat you like that,” he demanded. “You deserve better.”

  “Okay…so don’t treat me like that.” Sitting up, I pulled the covers back and looked out the window to see the sun rising over the rocks. “Let’s go.”

  We went for a hike and ignored what happened last night with Dusty. I knew enough to know whatever it was between them was still brewing, but I also knew enough about Parker over the last three weeks that you didn’t ask questions. If he wanted you to know, he would tell you. If you asked and he wasn’t ready, he would ignore the question as if you never asked.

  At the canyons that afternoon, Parker opened up to me. “Sometimes, I don’t know how to say what I want to say, so I don’t say anything at all,” he admitted as we sat by the pool after the hike.

  I knew the feeling.

  “I always end up saying the opposite when I get angry.” I was trying to sympathize with him, but I also completely understood where he was coming from. When I was in the second grade, there was this little boy who constantly pulled my hair and kicked me. I got to the point where I was so flustered with the kid, I intended to yell at him at ended up shouting, ‘I want to kiss you!’ as opposed to ‘I want to kick you!’”

  The entire class laughed at me too.

  I told Parker the story as we sat there with our legs in the water watching the ripples. He laughed and then told me about the time he peed his pants in kindergarten because he was afraid of public bathrooms.

  “Are you still afraid of public bathrooms?” I couldn’t help but let a giggle slip.

  Parker found no amusement in my giggles and glared. “Maybe.”

  I felt increasingly comfortable around Parker, and that day wasn’t any different. Our relationship was moving fast, but it was also exactly what I wanted. My life felt boring before, but now I was living in the fast lane whether it was intended or not.

  CHAPTER 7

  Rowan Jensen

  Podium

  This is a three-tiered platform where the top three finishers celebrate their performances after the race. The winner is placed centrally and higher than the second and third place riders.

  July 4, 1997

  The sun filtering in through the curtains woke me. Though I didn’t want to get up, I did despite my lackluster motivation. I could hear voices coming from downstairs, so I assumed the clan had arrived. The clan being the guys from Anaheim Justin couldn’t stop talking about last night.

  On the morning of the Fourth of July, a few of Justin’s and Parker’s buddies from Anaheim arrived for the party they were throwing that night. This was their tradition since they usually left after the fourth. We were informed this was a rager of a party as well, resulting in the police being called every year. Part of me was looking forward to it. Other than a few parties back home, I had never been into the whole social scene, but I wasn’t opposed to it. It actually sounded fun to me.

  Parker wasn’t in the room when I woke up, but I could hear the faint scream of a two-stroke in the distance. I assumed he was outside. That gave me time to shower before the condo would be crowded with people I didn’t know, or didn’t want to know.

  While I was in the shower, Addy came in as if there was nothing wrong with walking in on someone in the shower.

  “Hey, sugar snap,” she said, sitting on the counter. “What’s up with your boy?”

  “I’m naked you know.”

  “So what? I’ve seen you before.” She giggled, her eyes amused as she peeked through the curtain. “At least you have boobs now. I was a little worried they’d never arrive.”

  “Addy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Stop talking about my boobs.” I sighed, rinsing the shampoo from my hair, the water streaming down the side of my neck. “What do you want?”

  “Oh right, so a bunch of guys just arrived and Parker is acting strange.”

  “Strange? Like how?”

  I tried to recall his mood last night. It wasn’t strange. In fact, we spent most of the night watching movies in his room while I lounged around in his arms. It was a nice change from the previous night when he hadn’t said a word to me.

  “He’s happy.”

  I felt a pressure lift as she said the word happy. “That’s not strange, Addy. That’s a good thing.”

  “Yes it is. He’s moodier than a shark.”

  “Shark?” I poked my head out from out behind the curtain, wiping water from my eyes. “Why is a shark moody?”

  “It’s just an analogy.” Addy rolled her eyes, reaching for my lotion by the sink.

  “You shouldn’t use an animal you know nothing about as an analogy.”

  “Whatever.” With a dab of lotion in the palm of her hand, she went about lathering up her bare legs. “Like you know anything about them either.”

  Rolling my eyes, I closed the curtain, letting the hot soothing water run over my back as I thought about Parker being happy. I felt a certain stitch of jealously that someone else could make him happy. I wanted to see the smiles for myself. I wanted to look into those eyes and be the only one. Selfish, I know, but that never changed for me. Maybe that was part of my problem. I wanted too much. I wanted parts of him he could never give me.

  “Do you love him, Rowan?” Addy asked, taking her medication for the morning. She preferred doing it alone in the bathroom rather than in front of an audience, assuming there was an audience out there now. If you didn’t kno
w Addy was diabetic, you’d think she was shooting crack into her stomach.

  “Why would you ask me that? I barely know him.” I felt something very strong for Parker. I was sure of that. But I always felt love was a strong word and one that should never just be said because you felt you needed to say it. If I was honest, I was fooling myself. I was madly in love with him. I just didn’t want to admit it.

  Addy shrugged, tossing the needle in the garbage and placing the vial insulin in her pocket. “You seem to love him.”

  Turning off the water, I reached my arm out to snag a towel from the white shelf next to the shower. “Do you love Justin?” I took in a deep breath, bunching the towel up by my face. It smelled like Parker: fresh laundry mixed with subtle hints of honey and pine. This entire condo smelled like him, and I never wanted to leave.

  “I do,” Addy replied, but her face wasn’t glowing like I thought it would be.

  “That doesn’t seem very convincing.”

  She shrugged, standing up to balance herself against the wall. She always got dizzy after talking her medicine. “I’ll see you downstairs. I’m going to eat something.”

  “Be careful,” I warned, watching her exit the bathroom. Addy had a handle on her diabetes, but every now and then it had a tendency to control her at times.

  Once I was out of the shower, I thought for sure I’d see Parker in the room since I didn’t hear his bike anymore, but he wasn’t there. Instead, I saw him setting up chairs and tables outside by the pool with Justin.

  Addy was waiting for me again, sitting on Parker’s bed with her legs crossed.

  “What’s up?” I asked, adjusting my towel. I knew something was up. I could see it all over her face, but I was a little nervous that Parker would show up. Then Addy wouldn’t tell me what she clearly needed to.

  Addy closed her eyes with a sigh. “Justin and I had sex last night,” she whispered into the air.

  “What? Really?”

  She lowered her head and looked at me with wide eyes. “Yes.”

  “And?”

  “It hurt but it wasn’t horrible,” she said, looking at me with the same wide eyes. “He was sweet about it.”

  “Was he a virgin too?”

  Addy rolled her eyes. “No, he’s almost nineteen. He’s had sex with a few different girls.” She kind of cringed. “He’s been in love before too.”

  “Oh.”

  I eyed her when her eyes glossed over. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded. “I am…it’s just that I’m scared. It’s terrifying to think about it.”

  I knew that feeling for sure.

  “I think Justin is a good guy, Addy.” I was offering her the advice she came for. She smiled up at me as I adjusted the towel again. “If you’re worried that you’re just another notch, I don’t think he’s like that.”

  “Have you and Parker had sex yet?”

  I felt weird knowing Addy lost her virginity, but I felt better knowing mine was barely hanging on. I knew Parker wanted to have sex with me. He made that clear.

  Before I could answer Addy spoke again. “Justin said Parker’s a virgin.”

  I knew that.

  “He also told Justin it’s been really hard waiting with you sleeping next to him.”

  Parker was seventeen. He had wants just as did I. “We almost did that first night here…but he stopped us…or maybe we both stopped.”

  Then Addy turned girlie on me with a giggle. “Is he big? Justin is huge!”

  I smiled and she knew.

  Our conversations that morning were like that of any teenage girls, full of shared secrets and giggles. It felt good to have her here with me, but I also knew I would have never come along if it hadn’t been for Addy, and for that I was grateful.

  “Do you think you guys will do it tonight?”

  I shrugged, trying to conceal my nerves, but there was no way around it. Addy knew me well. “What if it sucks for him and he doesn’t like it?”

  “He’s never had sex before. If his dick is inside you, I’m fairly certain it won’t suck for him.”

  “Addy…” I groaned, suddenly tempted to knock her off the toilet. “Thanks for the advice, dolly.”

  She knew I was being sarcastic and took pity on me. “It’ll be fine.”

  I wasn’t so convinced of that.

  When Addy left I spent a few hours alone applying lotion to my entire body, painting my toe nails, and then drying my hair. Dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a black tank top with flip-flops, I felt good and refreshed once I went downstairs. It was nice not to have that thick layer of sand all over me for once.

  The afternoon moved quickly, and soon, their friends started arriving.

  In a sweet gesture, Parker pulled me aside when a group of girls made their way inside the condo. I knew instantly they were the girls from Anaheim from their bleached blond hair, flawless tanned skin, and expensive brand name clothing. Here I was, plain chocolate brown hair, average body, and clothes purchased from Target.

  I stood against a bar they had outside, sipping on my drink, when Parker came over. The girls eyed him like he was a piece of meat they were about to devour.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, leaning into my side. His right hand brushed the hair from my neck to kiss me. It made me smile because a beautiful meat devouring redhead was watching us intently. I wanted to lick the side of his face and tell her just how good his seasoning was. The thought made me smile and Parker noticed.

  Parker let out a little laugh. “What’s that giggle for?” He looked down at me, and his hand gripped mine a little tighter, pulling me into his chest.

  I eyed him. “Those girls seem to pay a lot of attention to you.”

  “What?” he asked, like he had no idea what I was referring to.

  He looked over his shoulder towards the girls and then turned his gaze back to me, eying me cautiously.

  “Do you know them?” My eyes dropped from his to the red plastic cup in my hand.

  His hand rose to touch my cheek before he leaned in, kissing me softly. “I do…but I couldn’t care less if they pay attention.” He cracked a smile when he pulled back. “I think you know who has my attention here.” His eyes softened like he was going to be sincere until Justin approached us, throwing his arm around Parker.

  Justin grinned. “You two ready to get this party started?”

  “Oh, I think it’s already started,” Addy added, walking past with an arm full of empty beer cans.

  Parker pulled away after that and went to another group gathered by the fence, all drinking too.

  I hadn’t seen Parker drink with any of them. Every time I saw him, he had a bottle of water in his hand. I wasn’t much of a drinker. The summer before I turned seventeen, I had my first beer, compliments of Ben and Joey. I spent the rest of the night drinking one right after another, and the following morning I wished I was dead. I haven’t touched alcohol since and really didn’t plan to. I just didn’t see the appeal. That might have had something to do with my mom as well, but that was another story all together.

  I liked that Parker wasn’t drinking. It made me feel more comfortable.

  What didn’t make me comfortable were all the girls. I was constantly comparing myself to them. Silly, but I did.

  I didn’t know anyone aside from Parker, Addy, and Justin. Of course that left me by myself as Parker mingled with friends he hadn’t seen all year. He did look my direction more often than not and touched me in some way every time he passed.

  I liked that. I liked that a lot.

  Addy kept busy cleaning up after everyone. One empty beer can left on a table and she nearly had a shit fit. I found entertainment just watching her tiny little ass run around that much.

  Around six everyone started eating, aside from the Anaheim stick girls as I liked to call them. I had a feeling they never ate. I also had this strange feeling that if I peeked at the tags of their two hundred dollar jeans, they probably wouldn’t even have sizes. I once got a
pair of hand-me-down jeans from a girl in school that frequently shopped in Seattle. They didn’t fit because they were a zero. To me, that wasn’t even a size, and I had an assumption these girls wore zero. I could out eat most men in the shop and enjoyed my size four jeans. That was small too, but given my short size, it was irrelevant. These girls were almost as tall as Parker. When they turned sideways, you couldn’t see them.

  Despite my usually hefty appetite, my hunger escaped me, along with any comforting thoughts I had of Parker only having eyes for me. I couldn’t compare to these girls, no way. I also had no reason to think I needed to compete with them, but that didn’t stop me.

  Just about the time Ice Cube came over the stereo, I stared at the hamburger in front of me, unable to eat. I couldn’t understand why either. It was either because I was so worked up over these girls surrounding him or my own internal lunacy. Whatever it was, it felt like butterflies were attacking every organ I had.

  “You okay?” Justin asked, seeming to notice my lack of appetite or maybe he noticed the way I stared endlessly at Parker as he spoke to Lucy Johnson. I didn’t know her and the only reason I knew her name was from everyone else asking her questions. She was more muscular than the rest of the sticks, but still skinny. Turns out, she was an AMA Pro WMX rider.

  I shrugged, picking at the sesame seeds on the bun, trying not to make eye contact with Justin since I was close to tears.

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “Just tired,” I lied, thinking sleepiness was always a good excuse for anything out of the normal.

  “She’s nothing to him,” Justin said, leaning into my shoulder. “Actually, he’s hated her since he first met her.”

  I groaned, feeling a pain in my chest when she reached out and ran her hand down his back. Parker’s body tensed. The muscles in his arms flexed, but the smile on his face remained.

  “Yeah, appears that way.” I pushed my hair out of my face and stood from the chair.

  “He feels a lot for you,” Justin said, still sitting beside me. “You know that, right?”