Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  “Well, if not Gordy, then who is? Who do you think is the hottest guy in school?”

  “Cut it out, Meghan,” Shelley says. “I don’t necessarily think in superlatives.”

  “You’re going to tell me you’ve never noticed this guy? You’ve never noticed how hot he is?” Meghan grabs Gordy around the waist and rests her chin on his shoulder.

  “It’s all right, Shelley,” Gordy says, extracting himself from Meghan’s arms. “That’s enough, Meg. I’m not a politician or a rock star. I don’t need to be universally loved.”

  “Who would you pick, if not Gordon?” Meghan asks, pressing her head next to Gordy’s.

  Pick someone else. You have to pick someone. Shelley feels her face burn in confusion.

  “Of course Gordon is cute,” Shelley says. “He’s adorable.”

  “All right, then,” Gordy says. He pushes Meghan off him gently. “There you have it.”

  “And you know what his best feature is?” Shelley continues.

  “What? He’s so cute, how could anyone choose just one?” Meghan asks. Gabler is in the room now. It’s one of their last rehearsals.

  “His lips. Dani always said he had these well-developed lips from playing the horn.”

  “She said that?” Gordy asks, looking at her sideways while he organizes his music.

  “She always said that,” Shelley replies. “Even before you guys were dating.”

  “Sweet,” Gordon says, smiling.

  91

  Shelley describes her situation to her friends in the chat room Global Youth:

  “I really like this girl. I don’t know if she’s gay or straight or bi or what. She seems to like me too . . . sometimes she even seems to be pursuing me . . . but then she also flirts with boys.”

  “Let her go she merely toys with you,” says someone from Denmark.

  “Sounds a little manipulative,” says someone from South Africa.

  “ENJOY HER—ENJOY IT—THEN MOVE ON. HOW OLD ARE YOU, ANYWAY? LIVE A LITTLE AND DON’T BE SUCH A SAD FACE,” says someone from Montreal.

  If only Dani were here to bounce this off of, Shelley thinks, logging off for the night. Dani. Oh, Dani, I’m in over my head.

  92

  A hand strokes Dani’s hair. She wakes up and shines her flashlight in the intruder’s face.

  “God, I’m sorry,” Gordy says, shielding his eyes. “I freaked you out.”

  Dani turns off the flashlight. “This is surreal,” she says.

  Seeing Gordy now is like being on a class field trip when she was little. She didn’t believe all those other kids existed outside of her classroom. She didn’t know Gordy existed in the middle of the night.

  “Nathan told me where to find you,” Gordy says. “Do you mind that I’m here? You told me to stay away, but I thought I could help. I don’t want to seem like a stalker.”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re not a stalker.” She sits up and makes a space beside her, but Gordy remains standing.

  “I can sneak you out right now. I’ve been checking the parking lot every hour. It’s two a.m. and all the cars and trucks are gone. The searchers or rescuers or whoever they are must be resting. I hid my truck behind an abandoned house on the side road. If we go now and stay close to that edge of the woods, no one will see us. This is the time to leave. We have to start walking now, before it gets light and the cars come back.”

  “I’m not leaving,” Dani says, pulling the blanket around her.

  “You’re not? But it’s been a couple of nights already. How long do you think you can stay here?”

  She takes a deep breath. “As long as I can survive. I have to figure out a way to live here. I can’t return to Hawthorne. I came here by accident, but I’ve decided I’m better off.”

  Gordy stares at her a minute before speaking. “Excuse me for saying this, but that’s kind of ridiculous.”

  “If I go back, I might hurt someone,” Dani says, as clearly as possible.

  “Like that little kid?” he asks. His voice softens.

  “Yes.” He doesn’t disbelieve it anymore. He knows I’m crazy. Just like everyone in Hawthorne knows.

  Gordy moves closer, no longer so eager to be on the move. “It seems like you did the right thing by quitting babysitting. You really liked that kid, didn’t you?”

  “I guess I would say I loved him.”

  “That must have been rough. Will you tell me what it was like?”

  Dani slides over some more so Gordy can sit beside her. “I got these thoughts, and I didn’t want to have them. And the harder I tried to get rid of them, the more I had.”

  “I know what you mean,” Gordy says. His smile seems inappropriate.

  “You do?” Dani asks.

  “Yes. I’ve been trying not to think of you since you told me to go away, but the more I tried, the more you were on my mind. I think I’m falling in love with you. Is that all right?”

  “It’s all right,” Dani echoes. She thinks again how bad the timing is. If this was six months ago, she’d be overjoyed. “I was in love with you, too, even before we knew each other.”

  I could kill Gordon. I could bury his body out here and no one would find it.

  “Was? You’re not in love with me now?”

  “I have to put it on hold. There are too many problems.”

  Gordy pulls leaves from Dani’s hair. “Dani, tell me what you’re thinking right now. Go ahead and tell me. I don’t care how nasty it is.”

  She watches his face, knowing what the response will be. “I’m thinking I could kill you. I could bury your body out here and no one would find it.”

  Gordon’s face pulls back and his eyebrows shoot up. “You think about hurting me, too?”

  People always look that way when they hear her thoughts. Like they’ve been shot in the face with an air rifle.

  “Whew,” Gordy says. He gets to his feet.

  “You’re going back to your car, aren’t you?” Dani says. A spider walks across her thigh, but she doesn’t care. “Now that you know.”

  “Actually, no,” Gordy says, grabbing the small pack he brought with him. “Remember when I said that I don’t care if I end up getting hurt? When I say something like that, I generally mean it. I’m going to patrol the perimeter and make sure you’re still safe.”

  Dani lies back and closes her eyes. In a few minutes Gordy returns. He stands over her, drinking from a Boy Scout canteen.

  “Dani,” he says, more emphatically this time. “Do you know what I used to say to myself when I saw you on the tennis court?”

  “What?”

  “Man, that girl isn’t afraid of anything.”

  “Nice pep talk,” Dani says. The answer seems obvious. She can’t get away from what she’s afraid of, because she’s afraid of herself.

  “Look, I’ve discussed it with my dad. You can stay at our house if you want. He’ll get you a bodyguard, or a doctor or a lawyer or anything else you need. We have a place in Maine, too. You can stay there if you want to get away.”

  Gordy is lingering too long. Dani doesn’t care if the camouflage people find her, but she doesn’t want them to find Gordy. “You should get out now,” she tells him. “You’re too nice a guy to get messed up in this.”

  Gordy doesn’t appear to listen. He sits on a nearby granite ledge for a long, quiet moment. He studies the stars, the way Nathan did. Dani is already sick of the stars.

  “Did you know your mother was on TV?” Gordy says finally, without looking at her.

  “She was?” Mom on TV. How truly strange life was becoming.

  “She was begging you to come home.”

  “I didn’t know that,” Dani says.

  “She looked like the living dead. There’s more than one way to hurt someone, you know.”

  Dani gets up. She squeezes her hands together, thinking about her mother’s distress. She shakes the blanket and starts stuffing it into one of the grocery bags.

  “You’ll come with me, then?�
�� Gordy asks.

  “Yes.”

  “You should leave all this,” he suggests.

  “Why?”

  “To throw them off track. Let’s make it look like you plan to stay another night. Keep them busy while we get you out of here.”

  93

  National Envestigator News Online

  SICKO SITTER SMILED WHEN FESSING KILL THOUGHTS

  “Made My Skin Crawl,” Declares Tot’s Mom

  94

  “Put me in, Coach,” Dani says to Gordy as they arrive at her house before sunrise. She’s been hiding on the floor of the Lexus while Gordy drove back to town.

  “I feel really rude not coming in to meet your mom,” Gordy says. “Is that stupid?”

  “She’d love to meet you. But this isn’t the time.”

  “Good luck,” Gordy says, watching the rearview mirror in case the camouflage people have seen them. Dani climbs over the pool fence. She crosses the patio. On the back door is a sign:

  NO PRESS

  NO GAWKING

  NO KIDDING

  TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED

  A new, heavier door covers their old screen door. Dani bangs. Sean opens the door.

  “Beth,” he says, staring at Dani with a stony face. “Your daughter is home.”

  “Dani!” Beth screams, coming up behind him. “You made it home!” In the kitchen, Beth presses into Dani so forcefully, Dani feels like she might become part of her. She cries so hard that it’s a minute before she can talk. “I thought I might never see you again. My God, you look so filthy! Your friend from the music group told me you were all right.”

  “Nathan,” Dani says. “I hid in the woods. He helped me.”

  “I went into the woods myself to look for you. Did anyone touch you, Dani? Did anyone hurt you? I can take you to the hospital. You might be dehydrated.”

  “No one hurt me. I got out in time. I need food and a bath and a bed, but I don’t think I should stay.”

  “We’ll take care of you, Dani. Sean and I will. But you’re right. You’re not staying.”

  95

  The Dogg House

  Sniffing Out That Babysitter

  Your blog host: Sheepdogg

  She’s Ba-a-ack!

  There’s no place like home for Miss Mayhem the Blade Babe.

  Increased activity around the heavily vandalized home suggests that this predator has returned to the nest. BetSo made a rare trip to the town shopping center for provisions, and a delivery was made from DD’s favorite Thai restaurant. Who will be first to welcome her home? Just watch out for the big rent-a-cop stationed in the driveway.

  96

  After Dani takes a shower and a nap, she goes into the living room. A sheet of plywood covers the plate-glass window, which has been replaced. The curtains on all the other windows are closed, so the lights are on even though it’s morning.

  Beth’s laptop is open on the coffee table. The inbox is loaded with e-mails that have threats right in the subject line. Beth shows Dani a message that she has saved. The sender is named MMandel. The message is only one line: “I think I can help your daughter.”

  “You’re going to Boston for a while,” Beth says.

  “By myself?”

  “Sean is taking you this afternoon. I’ll join you later. Now come into the bathroom.”

  Beth ignores Dani’s questions and sets her on the toilet lid. She takes a pair of long scissors from the cabinet and starts chopping off big sections of Dani’s damp hair.

  “I don’t know how to cut hair. I’ve never done it before. I need to wrap some things up here, then I’ll come stay with you. You’re getting your phone back and I want you to call me every hour on the hour to let me know you’re all right. Oh my God. This looks awful. I have no idea how to do this.” She starts crying again.

  Sean stands awkwardly in the doorway of the bathroom. “Why don’t we call a professional hairdresser, Beth? Lots of them will come to the house.”

  “I don’t care how I look,” says Dani. “I just want to get out of town.”

  “I want to do it,” Beth says. “I’m doing it. Go away, Sean. Just go away for an hour and leave us alone.”

  “Where will I stay in Boston?” Dani asks, flinching from her mother’s ravaging hands.

  “In a hotel. We’ll be there together.”

  “For how long?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  Beth opens a box and mixes one bottle with another. She pours the stuff over Dani’s head. It runs onto a towel around Dani’s shoulders.

  “We’ll have to toss this T-shirt,” Beth says. “I’m not being very careful right now.” Her hands move roughly on Dani’s scalp, lathering the dye into her hair.

  97

  Beth believes people have been following her car, so she doesn’t want Dani to ride in it. She arranges for Sean to take Dani into Boston in a borrowed truck marked NORTH SHORE LANDSCAPING. The rent-a-cop sits in the passenger seat. Sitting in the back of the truck doesn’t feel much friendlier than the day the cops drove Dani home. Dani doesn’t feel like spending ten minutes with Sean. He acts okay when Beth is around, like he’s putting up with Dani. But when they’re alone, resentment radiates off him. She bets he wishes she hadn’t come back from the woods.

  “I hope you know what you’re putting your mom through,” he says after paying the toll at the Tobin Bridge. “How do you think she can hold her head up with all the people she has to meet? What kinds of things do you think they’re saying?”

  “I’m really sorry about Mom,” Dani says, making clear that her apology is limited to Beth. Although Sean acts mournful, Dani believes he’s glad he has more reasons to take a side against her.

  “So this is where you two will stay,” he says, pointing to a narrow brick building. Only a small brass plaque by the door identifies it as a hotel. He drives a few more blocks and stops at a brownstone on Commonwealth Avenue. “And this is where your mother thinks you’ll get better.”

  part 5

  INSIDE OUT

  98

  Hawthorne Beacon-Times

  PD: SOLOMON “GONE”

  Dani Solomon has left Hawthorne for an unspecified period to receive intensive psychological treatment, the Beacon-Times has learned. A spokesman for the Hawthorne Police confirmed that the troubled teen has moved to an undisclosed location after surviving for several days in Havenswood. Public information officer Sergeant Philip Mason emphasized that Solomon is undergoing treatment voluntarily and is not wanted for any crime. “There is no crime, there is no case, and we wish her the best,” Mason stated. “Case closed.”

  99

  Rowdie wrote:

  You see, Dogg, she slipped away. Once again, local law enforcement exposed as ineffectual pantywaists.

  100

  Malcolm goes to the back porch to help his father stare at the yard. His father used to drink a lot of beer and rant and rave. Now he drinks soda and simmers quietly.

  101

  Protect Our Kids

  Member Alerts

  New message from: Rowdie

  Protect our kids by determining where potential kiddie killer Dani Solomon has been institutionalized and for how long. This is the time to activate any contacts with hospital employees. Not just doctors, nurses, health aides, and technicians but security, food service, and maintenance workers. Distribute photo of Dani Solomon to everyone you know in the health industry, especially hospitals with big psych units such as McLean and Mass General. Offer cash reward if need be. Send any and all leads to operative Sheepdogg.

  POK over police

  We care about community.

  102

  “Tell me about these intrusive thoughts.”

  Dr. Mandel is a petite, white-blond woman in a brown leather armchair. She wants Dani to call her Mathilde, but her European accent makes her seem inaccessible, as if to call her by her first name would mean crossing an entire ocean.

  “They’re kind of embarrassing. I mean, I
’m ashamed of them.”

  “Just tell me. Say them. Whether they’re embarrassing or not.”

  “Some of them are so weird and ridiculous.”

  “Go ahead.”

  Dani tells Dr. Mandel her thoughts about stabbing Alex, yelling homophobic remarks to Shelley, grabbing Mr. Gabler’s testicles, knocking her mother off the ladder and calling her a dried-up twat, cutting Gordy to pieces, and leaving Nathan’s body in the woods.

  “Are there any others?” Dr. Mandel asks.

  Dani describes her fear of telling the neighbors that they’re going to die soon and hitting Mrs. Alex with a tennis racket.

  “I know you’ve just met me, but do you think I’m going to do any of those things?” Dani asks. She pulls her striped dress down to cover her knees. Beth packed her a bag with good dresses and sandals, a Coach purse, even lip gloss. Dr. Mandel’s office is so fancy that Dani’s glad she dressed up.

  “I don’t know. Nothing is a hundred percent sure in life, is it?”

  Dani is disappointed. She had hoped that Dr. Mandel would tell her the thoughts were ridiculous and that she was a nice, caring person who would never hurt anyone.

  “So I might really do those things I thought about?”

  “There’s a chance that you might. I’m not in the business of giving reassurance.”

  “Does that mean that you’re afraid of me?”

  “No,” says Dr. Mandel. “Let me ask you another question. When you had upsetting thoughts, what did you do?”

  Dani doesn’t understand. “Not enough, I guess, because I tried to make the thoughts go away, but I couldn’t.”

  “Did you have any routines or rituals?”

  “No.”

  “Was there anything you would regularly do to try to make yourself feel better?”