Junk

by Julia Eccleshare

  That was it for me – the thought that they were up there with junk and I was down here without it…

  I went and got Carol and I said, ‘We’ve got to go.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I’ve just got to go.’

  She could see I was in a mess. She got her coat and we went, even though it was a good party. We walked round the block and she said, ‘Okay, what is it?’ So I told her.

  She already knew about the smack, about Gemma and everything. She said, ‘You’re not as clean as you said you were, are you? You’ve been ambushed.’

  Carol’s really good. I don’t know how I’d have coped if it wasn’t for her. I’d have been back on junk for sure. After getting offered some at that party I started getting these terrible cravings, like I hadn’t had for over a year. It was knowing it was there, see? It was the first time since before I was inside that I knew I could walk out of the door, walk down the road and score. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went to see the doctor and told him about it, but he wouldn’t give me any methadone because I hadn’t done any junk. So I went away and had a think about it. I knew I wasn’t going to make it without help. The next day I went back and told him I’d lied, I had done some. Which was true, actually, although that was another time. It was on a visit to Bristol. It wasn’t important, it was like a holiday romance, you know? You forget it all when you get back home. I didn’t worry about it because I was in control. So I used that, told a few fibs, told him it was just the other week when in fact it was over two months back. But it worked. I got my script. All in a good cause, getting me clean again.

  I’m coming off really slowly. A little bit at a time. I wanted to come off it really fast, get it over with. I was impatient to get on with it, but the doc said that’s not a good way to do it. You have to do it real slow, so that you barely notice.

  It’s going to be okay. I’m doing all the right things. It would have been pretty surprising for someone with my history if I hadn’t had a couple of setbacks when you think what’s happened lately. The thing to avoid is those ambushes. Sometimes I take a handful of methadone – you know, as a drug. I don’t tell Carol about that, though! Wow, I wouldn’t dare. You have to be careful with Carol: she’s great, she doesn’t take any stick. But she’s never been on it, so she doesn’t really understand. You can’t talk to her about it.

  I’m doing my best, that’s what’s important. I try to be positive about it. I’m doing the right things. I’m not pulling the wool over my eyes. It isn’t all easy going, I can admit that. I’ve slipped up a couple of times. I don’t dare tell Carol about that, either. And I certainly don’t tell Gemma. She might stop me seeing Oona if she knows I’m using. She has no right to do that. I’m her dad, I’ve got a right to see her… and she’s got a right to see me.

  With my history you can’t rush it. It’s so easy to think, Oh God, here I am, I’m back on methadone, I slipped up again, I’m just a junkie. Once you get a low opinion of yourself, you’ve had it. You have to think, the methadone is going down, I’m seeing the doctor once a week, I’ve not got a junk habit. I’m doing the right things. And I think – it’s a bit like the carrot on a stick, you know? – that maybe if I get off, I’ll get back with Gemma again.

  I know, I know. She didn’t chuck me because I was using… I was as clean as a whistle at the time, more or less. But you have to hope. Like the doctor says, you have to be positive before you can get anywhere.